PandaStillLovesBunny Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I was sitting here, relaxing after work, waiting to call my current love interest when I began thinking about my ex. I thought about who she was, and the things that she did, and how her recent ex managed to lose her, too. I thought about how some guys agree to everything a girl says, and how they pretend to be interested in what she's interested in. They think that this will have her thinking that they have a lot in common, when, in actuality, this makes the girl see the guy as uninteresting and unchallenging. I know that I had a problem with this before. Then I probed a little deeper, and thought about my ex specifically -- her family has a history of borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and numerous other psychological issues. Now, BPD sufferers typically experience a lack of identity -- and I surely saw this in my ex. She would pretend to be into whatever I was into, and her attitude and dress always took on whatever the majority of people she found herself around happened to have adopted. Think of it as voluntary peer-pressure -- they don't do it consciously. So, I thought about this some more and put the two together, and I saw, sadly, why our relationship, and why hers as it would seem, were ill-fated: she has no personality of her own, and adopts the trappings of others. This makes her very popular in social circles. But in an intimate relationship with a guy who's trying constantly to please her, he's trying to emulate a personality that simply does not exist - he may as well be buying her best friend's favorite chocolates for her, because that is what she will like -- even if she gets a new best friend! In effect, the relationship will be a continuous feedback loop - like two mirrors stationed across from each other, each reinforcing its own image -- he'll buy her tickets for some band, she'll get into it because she wants him to like her, and he'll think that she likes it... and neither of them will ever really communicate what the other feels or wants. In addition, her interests will be subject to whatever whims dominate her society at the moment. I observed this when she switched from a gothic look to a punk look, literally overnight -- I liked the gothic look, so she went with that. Some other dude liked the punk look. Later on, she met a guy who liked her in jeans and tank tops, and - guess what? It's even affected her diet! She's a carnivore around her family, but at home she eats "organic vegan." This type of relationship is a race in which the finish line keeps moving. In order to be successful, you have to assert YOURSELF, and not be afraid of losing someone because they think that you have "nothing in common." Stop trying to get her to like herself by proxy -- get her to like YOU. Anyway, those were just some thoughts that popped into my mind that had to be written down.
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