Ready to end 8 year relationship/1 year engagement, worth one last try or not?

[heartbreakkid]

I'm sure it's not exactly fair to my fiancee to put this on an internet forum, but I honestly don't know what to do, and I really don't have anyone I can confide in. Plus, hopefully you all have seen things like this before on this forum.

 

My fiancee and I met in college. We were young (1, had different interests, but there was a strong attraction.

 

We had our fights over the years on big and small things. As the years went by though, our "different interests" began to simply seem bigger than they originally were...more than likely because of the fact that we spent more time together:

 

For example:

 

-I love to have sex. I find her extremely physically attractive. She does NOT like sex. I explored the possibility of abuse in the past, etc. I tried to get her to go to sex counseling to find out the problem and she refused at least 10x. Whenever we have sex, it's always a "favor" to me and a "are you done yet?" or "finish" response by her. So it's tough for me to enjoy it.

 

-She is homebody. She never wants to go out anywhere. She even said she would prefer watching a movie on the couch in sweatpants over most activities. I on the other hand LOVE to go out. For the past 8 years I've limited that in order to spend time with her and because I know she didn't want to go out with me.

 

-She does not like to go on vacations. I've asked her probably 50x to go on vacation somewhere, even booked one once (and had to later cancel). Her claim is always that she doesn't feel like going since we can do the same things on vacation that we do at home. I LOVE to travel. I've had to travel with family to places I wanted me and her to go to. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's something I wanted to do with her.

 

-Her family is controlling. They are great people, but they won't let their little girl go. They regularly show up to the house and want to do things. Yes, her dad is retired and her mom doesn't work...but that doesn't mean their free time is our free time. Also, it's not as if she's an only child. She has 3 siblings who live in the area.

 

-She's a workaholic. I respect people who work a lot of hours. However, she is non-stop all the time. The house could be SPOTLESS, and she'll come home and start cleaning the sinks, countertops, etc. when they were cleaned at the beginning of the day. On Saturday/Sunday, there's no such thing as sitting out on the deck and enjoying it...or going to the beach. Heck, not even one day. It's all "work work work" both days. I'm not a lazy person, but I need at LEAST one of my weekend days to relax.

 

The reason I'm not sure what to do is on one hand, I know we're different people. But on the other, I see SO many couples who are different who end up working through their problems.

 

I don't know know what to do. Can this relationship be saved? Or is it really fine and I'm just being selfish?

 

Thank you in advance.

[reservoirdog1]

No, it's definitely not fine. And no, you're not just being selfish.

 

The things you've indicated as problems are all, individually, quite major obstacles, though they can be overcome in some cases. You're dealing with five of them, all at the same time.

 

From the descriptions of the problem areas, it sounds as though they've all been present basically throughout the relationship, i.e. they haven't simply developed in the last year or two. If they were more recent developments, I'd suspect that one of you had changed in some way and that the root of the change should be explored. But it sounds like her dislike of sex, travelling and going out, the family control issues, and her being a workaholic even on weekends when there's nothing that needs to be worked on, are all just part of "who she is."

 

And if that's the case, then, sorry to say, the relationship is probably doomed.

 

When two people are in a relationship, it goes without saying that they have to compromise and make accommodations for each other. You give up a bit of your "total freedom" in exchange for something that's, hopefully, even better (a great and fulfilling relationship with a loving partner).

 

But things like travelling, going out to do things, and sex are all things you really enjoy doing with your partner and which you value in a relationship. The price of keeping the relationship going, unfortunately, is that you basically have to say goodbye to the idea of doing any of those things with her. Which is totally unfair to you -- the requirement of being in the relationship is apparently that you give up things you love and become, in essence, "her with a d!ck". And you should never sacrifice who you are or the things that you're passionate about for another person -- once you do that, what's left? You sound like you're miserable in the relationship.

 

Having said all that, you have been with her a long time. And so I assume that you still love her. It's probably worth sitting her down and telling her that you're not happy in the relationship, and why. Don't make it out to be all her fault -- you can point out the differences between the two of you, and why you see them as problems.

 

If she expresses willingness to work on things, perhaps with a counsellor, then you should give that a try. But if she doesn't, or if she dismisses the issues you raise as being due to selfishness on your part, then that's probably all the answer you need.

 

I wish you the best, either way. Remember, you only have one shot at life. Don't waste it in a relationship that prevents you from being who you are and that makes you feel trapped and miserable.

[RedDevil66]

I don't think you're being selfish. You just want different things than she does.

And yes, the relationship can be saved if you talk to you about how you truly feel and ask her to compromise.

 

But I do have to add, the not liking the travel, going out and the constant cleaning and working says to me she may suffer from anxiety and or OCD?!

Have you ever maybe thought that.

These are all classic signs

[Lauriebell82]

My first thought is that she may be suffering from depression or an anxiety disorder or something. Does she have a past history of mental health issues?

[girl68]

As you said yourself these issues have magnifed since your first got together. Multiply that every 5 years for the rest of your life and you're going to be bitter, old, sexless, un traveled, with a spotless house. Is that what you imagine for yourself in your later years?

 

Also: red alert!!! She REFUSES to seek help (even in your request) for issues that are bugging you. For any problems to be fixed or worked out both parties have to want to figure them out. The mere fact she refuses to attend counselling is a red flag indeed.

[Vet]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she really needs to fix anything, nor does it sound like she will try to change (nor should she, nor should you ask her to).

 

You guys are obviously incompatible. She doesn't like sex, you do. She likes to stay around the house, you like to be out. She likes having a lot of contact with her family, you want want them to take a step back. You want to go on vacation, she doesn't. Do you see a pattern here?

 

Get out of this now, and stop delaying the inevitable. It will be much less painless to do it before you wind up married to her and miserable. No sex, staying in all the time, cleaning all weekend every weekend; she will drive you crazy. You wanting sex all the time, bugging her to go out and go on vacation, complaining about her parents coming over; you will drive her crazy. End this. There are so many people that want the same kind of life you do, and so many people that want the same kind of life she does. You both deserve to be happy with your respective partners.

[Shandy]

Leaving a 9 year relationship is hard. I left a 10 year relationship and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Before leaving, you should explore all your options to salvage it, because really, not many 9 year relationships are problem-free.

 

I agree with calmly talking to her about the issues. Only if she refuses to compromise should you leave. I tried salvaging my 10 year relationship by talking to him repeatedly for several months. When I left, I had no regrets, because I know there's not much more I can do.

[LucreziaBorgia]

End it now where it won't cost you the way a divorce will.

[RedDevil66]

yeah end it now, throw 9 yrs away even if she has underlying issues and just dump her because she may be suffereing an anxiety disorder!!!!!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!

 

Amazing how people can just suggest to throw her away.

 

talk to her and get to the bottom of the issues!

[Vet]

yeah end it now, throw 9 yrs away even if she has underlying issues and just dump her because she may be suffereing an anxiety disorder!!!!!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!

 

Amazing how people can just suggest to throw her away.

 

talk to her and get to the bottom of the issues!

 

Barring any new information provided by the OP, it doesn't sound like she has any issues to work through--she is just a homebody that isn't interested in the same things he is.