Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I find it interesting that a lot of the people that come here who have cheated say they love the person they cheated on, and many posters say "well if you cheated then you obviously don't love that person". Yet when other people post how they're in love and chasing after someone, or with someone, no matter how messed up the relationship is, no one questions whether that person is just infatuated or really in love. Lets agree love is that feeling where you're well in love, and thinking about someone all the time, care about them, and definitely don't want to live without them. I question whether someone can cheat even if they are in love because I've seen so many men cheat whilst in love. A couple of years ago I went to a bachelors party and most of the guys have steady girlfriends and wives, and all of the guys had a stripper fully naked on them, and most of the guys paid for sex. Most of the guys were expats from the UK, US working in Asia, some were locals, from various backgrounds, various personalities, and very few of them were actually players or men that treated women badly. Yet all of them cheated because over here it's so common for men to pay for sex or women. The culture is simply different, and what is acceptable is different. But are they in love or not? Well, they all say they are, just the way you would view them would differ depending on where you're brought up and how you view fidelity. So is it impossible to love someone and cheat? Hmm......
Lizzie60 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I only read the subject line and the last question... There is, IMO, as many reasons to cheat as there are affairs.. I'm quite sure that some people do love their W and cheat.. Some don't love their wife, cheat, but they love their kids most.. etc.. etc.. It's very complex.. never all black or all white..
Author Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I only read the subject line and the last question... There is, IMO, as many reasons to cheat as there are affairs.. I'm quite sure that some people do love their W and cheat.. Some don't love their wife, cheat, but they love their kids most.. etc.. etc.. It's very complex.. never all black or all white.. Yeah I would agree with you. Btw, forgot to put in the OP, it was 20 guys involved at the party.
frustrated&sad Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Well this is sure to get some interesting responses! And I do agree that the answer depends on the individual's upbringing and cultural background. In my world, cheating is a sign that the love is gone. Why? Respect and admiration are part of love, and when your partner cheats those two things are immediately thrown out the door. Plus, trust evaporates. And, if someone really loved you and thought about the repurcussions it would have on his or her partner, why would they cheat? If they loved you, they would take our feelings into account. By cheating, cheaters think only about themselves. Now, maybe a person's spouse is abusive and someone seeks solace in another person's arms. OK. I'm not trying to judge people's actions. But as for love: once the cheating has happened, love starts to get erased. Perhaps others will disagree with me.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Ha, I just like to provoke interesting response. I agree with you though, once you cheat on someone: 1) It's easier to cheat again. 2) Many people will lose at least part of their loving feeling. A relationship is a damaged product once cheating has occured. However, I've seen people, mainly men, that have cheated and insist they are definitely in love.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I wonder why that is...guys? any ideas? Ever done drugs or anything bad in your life? Once you've done it once, it's easier to do it again. Half the attraction in someone is your fantasy of that person. If you cheat on them you ruin your own fantasy. To be honest I don't get how those guys cheat and say they're still in love. If I was in love I wouldn't cheat. But, I don't doubt people can be in love and cheat.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 There are people in this world who will cheat and others who won't. The ones who cheat tend to be very selfish people who have no strength to back up their core values, if they're even raised with or have any core values.
AlektraClementine Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I think you can have love for someone and be a cheater. But not the kind of love that makes relationships last. Typically, when people come here, the words are "I love my GF/BF more than anything in the world". Not possible. The love they have is a selfish love. I've loved many a people in my life but never enough to really see it through. Until I met my current SO. When I was faced with an attraction to someone else, I dealt with that. And only that. Which saved me from having to deal with an affair. I love him more than I love my need for additional sexual or emotional fulfillment. I thought of him more than I thought of me. It is possible to not cheat.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I think you can have love for someone and be a cheater. But not the kind of love that makes relationships last. Typically, when people come here, the words are "I love my GF/BF more than anything in the world". Not possible. The love they have is a selfish love. I've loved many a people in my life but never enough to really see it through. Until I met my current SO. When I was faced with an attraction to someone else, I dealt with that. And only that. Which saved me from having to deal with an affair. I love him more than I love my need for additional sexual or emotional fulfillment. I thought of him more than I thought of me. It is possible to not cheat.Cheating is a selfish choice. It's all about self-love of "what have you done for me lately", instead of "I love you for who you are and are willing to do whatever I can, to fuel a healthy relationship between the two of us. Of course this includes you also doing the same thing for US".
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 When I think about how I “love” someone (my daughter and my partner come to mind)... I would step in front of a bullet to protect them. If I would gladly sacrifice my safety, well-being and life for someone I truly care about and love, I can’t fathom how I could possible set about consciously doing something that would injure or hurt them. No. I’d have to resent the heck out of someone in order to do something that awful to them. And having already been there, I STILL couldn’t do it. That’s when stubborn pride and self preservation comes in. I personally find it much easier to leave someone I no longer love or appreciate than to ever stoop to that level and degrade myself.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I personally find it much easier to leave someone I no longer love or appreciate than to ever stoop to that level and degrade myself.Yes, that's exactly how I feel which is why I've never cheated and won't ever cheat. I also won't get involved with a cheater, as a third party in their relationship woes. That's why I do my homework on whether someone's previously committed in another relationship, regardless of marriage or not. I don't need to steal my partners since there are more than enough freely single men of high quality around. For that matter, who wants a partner who can be stolen? Not me, something I learned from experience with my first marriage, not that I stole him.
Peanut9330 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 No I could never cheat, as long as I’m in a relationship with someone I will never step out whether or not I have a deep love form them or my feelings are just developing, I could never do it.
Chubbi Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 What's fun about cheating on someone? That doesn't sound fun to me at all.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 no, you can't. When you love someone, you think about the hurt your actions will cause. You can have feelings and cheat, but love them? no
Author Hkizzle Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 There are people in this world who will cheat and others who won't. The ones who cheat tend to be very selfish people who have no strength to back up their core values, if they're even raised with or have any core values. You just judged, you of course didn't answer the original question.
goatboytone Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Personally I havn't cheated on anybody I was in a relationship with since i was 16 and they cheated on me first (I'm now 33). I'm with hoping2heal on this matter.
Woggle Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 To me you don't cheat on somebody you love. You can be infatuated with somebody and still cheat on them but that is much different than love.
pandagirl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I suppose everyone has their own definitions and thoughts on love, but no -- I don't think you can cheat on someone you truly love. If you really love someone, you would never do something so selfish that would hurt that individual, or that would damage or degrade that relationship. It just goes to show that many people have no idea what real love is. And yes, I'm being judgmental.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I suppose everyone has their own definitions and thoughts on love, but no -- I don't think you can cheat on someone you truly love. If you really love someone, you would never do something so selfish that would hurt that individual, or that would damage or degrade that relationship. It just goes to show that many people have no idea what real love is. And yes, I'm being judgmental. Nah, that wasn't judgemental. Looking down and criticising someone is. Yeah I think the true definition of love is that. I think however many people seem to have a lower, corrupted version of love.
pandagirl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Nah, that wasn't judgemental. Looking down and criticising someone is. Yeah I think the true definition of love is that. I think however many people seem to have a lower, corrupted version of love. I honestly think not all people are capable or have the capacity to feel/experience what true love is, which is why I said not everyone has the same view on what love is. Two people who think cheating is status quo in a relationship, while probably drama-filled, could perhaps put up with each other if they both think it's not a "big deal." Whether is it nature or nurture, we are born with a certain personality and through our life experiences, family, and friends, we gradually build our own definition of love. Of course, I have always been around loving, honest, wonderful people, so of course, my views on love are on point!
Gamine Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 My husband went golfing every year with 30 or so men in their 40's to 60's. A majority of them were married. Some played golf, ate dinner and went to bed. Others hired hookers, tried to pick up girls, and spent hours checking out porn laughing. Some of these guys in their 60's hired 20 year old hookers... women who were probably younger than their own daughters.. In this men's club, "boys will be boys", middle aged pack of guys some of them would argue that they love their wives and that this extracurricular activity has nothing to do with it. It's just them feeling their oats and being men. As is the case with the bachelor party, they get into a pack mentality. The ones that don't do it... don't participate... will probably say they love their wives as well. I believe that true love includes honesty and integrity. The cheaters may 'love their wives' but I question whether it is truly love or an attachment to what they get from their wives. In other words, is it love... or is it that they 'love' what their wives give them... stability, home, nurturing, love, etc... These guys probably don't think much of themselves as men and see their sexuality as an extension of their 'manhood'. I had brothers who were skirt chasers and told me and my sisters about the bachelor parties they attended. They were single, but had girlfriends. It most definitely included paid for sex, live sex shows, and according to them (sickos) they participated. The men who participated, who were married... that you refer to... would probably blacken someone's eye for making a pass or disrespecting his wife. Do they love? Well, clearly these guys are sleazy, but in a Neanderthal type of way probably believe they do.
Lyssa Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I was involved in an event recently. One of the managers of the artists hooked up with a girl one night. All the while we talked, he kept telling me how much he loves his wife, that she is a great mother to his daughters... and when I found out about the girl he slept with that night.. I went WTF? I think for some people sleeping with someone else when their partners are not around is alright, they don't think it's cheating cause no emotions are involved. It works for them but it doesn't mean it works for everyone else. I know I couldn't do that. It will eat me up!
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