He's been gone one week :(

[some girl]

So, i've never done this before and i kinda feel like an idiot about the whole thing. I'm just looking for....well, actually i dont know? I guess i'm just looking for some input from some outsiders?

 

My world came crashing down last Thursday. It was very unexpected.

He and i have always had our problems, and of course we've tried to end it before. What it always comes down to is this, we love one another very much, we'll make up and things will be smooth sailing for awhile. I cant imagine my life without him and a thought of another man makes me want to be sick. Our story is much different from a lot of other stories out there. He has had a rough up bringing and so have i.

 

We were involved in terrible things for a longtime, we became pregnant and that changed our whole outlook on life, but because of the things that have happened to him in his past (massive, terrible and imaginable abuse) He suffers with anger and post traumatic stress and severe depression. He doesn't know how to properly diffuse his anger and often times he would take it out on me, by withholding love, by yelling, by destroying personal belongings, by ignoring, intimidation ect. I'm not saying he's always physical, he's only been physical twice in a 3 and half year span (some say that's too much).These are what we call red flags.

 

I have chosen to leave him twice already. One time ending up at my parents, the other time at a womans shelter. I went through extensive counselling and womans group therapy, he in turn checked himself into the hospital and got help there. The shelter found me affordable housing and i registered for school and i was on my way to recovery and a new life. He and i still talked regularly (afterall, he's the father of my child) but i was scared of him. We weren't sure if it was finished or not, we weren't talking about what needed to be talked about.

Hastily, i went out and found someone new. BIG MISTAKE!! It was really nothing at all. I just did it to spite my ex because he had called me one night to get a rise outta me. He told me he was going to go out and find the next skanky girl and f#ck her. It was terrible, i was devastated...all because i needed some extra time to think about things. In actuality, the screwed up thing about all of this is, apparently he was just sitting with his mother that night, laughing at me, because i wouldn't stop calling him. What kind of a person does that?

 

Two wrongs dont make a right and that's where the other guy came in. I dont know what i was thinking? I guess i was just hoping this new person would steal my heart away, so i could be done for good with my childs father.

It didn't turn out that way at all and in fact the whole time i was talking to this new person, i felt extremely messed up and out of place, it just didn't feel right. We were never intimate (thank God), we only shared one kiss and just a whole lot of empty conversation on the phone. I met up for coffee with him once and he came over to my house once to drop off a cell phone charger...that's it, that's the extent of it. I told him we couldn't talk anymore and that i wanted to work things out with my one true love, father of my child. I know...it's stupid, but i love him, more than words can express and without him i am lost...completely lost.

So we patched things up and things seemed better. He moved in with me and our son and we were living like a happy family. Until, he found out about this other guy. It all hit the fan. But we talked it out and i had thought we could move on from this. We have been living together (again) for the past 7 months and on occasion something arises and he'll have difficulty dealing with me "cheating" on him. I haven't done anything, i learned from my mistake. And, i would never do anything to hurt him again. As far as i know things were going well up until last week.

He basically was planning a trip to Toronto, to possibly start a new life there for himself and oneday i'd follow him, as soon as he planted his feet into the ground somewhere. It was suppose to be a long distance thing. We had no choice in the matter. He had to move cities, because there is no work where i am living currently. Drastic measures, y'know? We have a kid to feed and take care of. So, he left last Thursay and he hasn't called once (not even to talk to our son) He has msgd me, to let me know that he arrived alive.

And here is where it get's really weird. He msgd me several times this week, angry, uncaring, just being a real jerk. He said to me, that i "cheated" on him and that he's not coming back home ever. He wont tell me for sure if it's over, but i mean, come on...he's never coming back, so i think it's over?

 

I have no way of reaching him, i dont know where he is or who he is staying with. The only way i can reach him, is through facebook, but he never replies to my questions. I'm really hurt and confused right now about all of this. I have been so sick (throwing up) sick, i feel like i might be pregnant again (or maybe it's just stress?) and i just miss him so much. I feel like maybe he's met someone else...cause, how in the hell is it possible for someone to turn on a dime like that? I'm sorry this is long and drawn out, but if anyone out there has some input, i'd really be thankful.

[moo]

I'm so, so, sorry you had to go through all of that. He's done so much to you. I know you miss him. I know. But you have to focus on you. You have to figure out, why did you accept this behavior from someone. You shouldn't be in a relationship with an abuser...I know, easier said than done.

 

Stay strong and work on yourself. I suggest you go into therapy and get some support. I also suggest going to a group for battered women to get some extra support.

[nature]

Stay the hell away from this guy. And I'm serious. You have a child. Therefore, this isn't about you anymore, or what you want or feel. This is about your innocent child.

 

What you should be doing right now is getting a protective order for your child so that your ex does not get any sort of custody until he has received further intense counselling and is monitored.

 

Yes, it is very sad what he suffered as a child. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is, that people often repeat what was done to them. He has repeated it on you, and I have no doubt he will repeat it on your child. It is devestating to hear that he was hurt and suffered as a child. But when he starts repeating those behaviours as an adult, you can have compassion for his hurt....but have it from a distance. Because I guarantee you, if this man does not get further intense help, he will repeat the abusive behaviour on your child.

 

Yes, I am sure your ex can be sweet and loving at times. Of course he can, or you would not have fallen in love with him in the first place. So yes, he can be sweet and loving. So can serial killers who kill innocent people and pedophiles who sexually molest and torture innocent children. Yes, they too have a sweet, loving side at times. Often times, they too have families at home, yet have another side to them. Thus, your ex is the same. For the most part, everyone has a "human" side to them. But that does not mean you are supposed to be with them and excuse the abusive side.

 

Your ex is not in a state to be in a relationship wtih you, and especially not with your child. Think about this and stop making excuses to yourself. If you love your child, you will put your child first, get over your heartache this instant, and start focusing on what is best for your child.

[nature]

PS...be thankful if he really has left for good. Seriously. Statistics show that a child has a much better chance at a healthy childhood and adulthood if raised by one healthy parent, rather than two that are messed up. No, a two parent household isn't always the best. So get your head out of the clouds, and realize the dream of the white picket fence and perfect family unit is not going to happen with your ex. It just isn't. And you know that. So create that perfect family unit by yourself, and focus on your child.