make lemonade Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 There is so much good info on here....thank you. My question tho.... Has anyone been here?? He leaves....and is unhappy and desperately missing his 3 kids. He stays....and is unhappy and missing me. I don't want the typical, if he loved you he would leave, we all know its more complicated than that...its a serious question. Faced with those options, what do i do???
torranceshipman Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I know it is hard but the man is way too mixed up to be able to commit to a serious R with you at the moment. The 100% right thing to do would be to tell him that he is too mixed up, that you can only be with a guy who is capable of treating you with love, and respect, and who is 100% ready for a R and who can make you happy, and then you leave him and go NC. He gets his space and you get to get off this hideous miserable emotional rollercoaster. If you two are meant to be, he will come and find you when he is in a better emotional place. Right now sounds like he is flip flopping emotionally. The A dynamic is a weird one - you (and probably the W) have become conditioned to allowing this guy to go to another woman often, and to have feelings for another woman, and to be able to 'choose'. You need to remove this part of the dynamic as it is COMPLETELY unacceptable. Make him know you aren't just always there regardless of his dithering-if he wants to be with you, fine, commit to it and make you happy. If he doesn't, then go, if he isn't sure, then you're leaving until he is damn sure that he values you and wants to be with you, then you'll think about coming back... This can all be said with love and grace, but it needs to be said!
jennie-jennie Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 He needs to understand that it is not his kids he is divorcing. They will always be in his life. Unfortunately it might take a long time, if ever, for him to realize this. Are you willing to wait and see, even if in the end he never leaves his wife?
MistyK Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Not too long ago, I started a thread on exactly this topic. Thought you might want to see it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195720/
jwi71 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 He needs to understand that it is not his kids he is divorcing. They will always be in his life. Unfortunately it might take a long time, if ever, for him to realize this. Jennie...speaking as a divorced man with two kids myself...its an agonizing period of time. I initiated the D from my WS and STILL had thoughts of "maybe I could tolerate her for the kids". The loss of 24x7 daily interaction is the problem, not his W. And its a POWERFUL draw. Yes, it does fade and a new normal settles in for him and the kids...but it takes TIME. I think your off the mark in saying he is divorcing his W and not the kids...and the correction is some advice to the OP as well...you are witnessing very normal divorce behavior. NOTHING you can do but give him time. EXCEPT. HE hasn't filed for divorce has he? Care to post more details so that myself and smarter members can give you some advice? JW
Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I am a WS that recently ended an A. I couldn't bear the thought of putting my kids through a D and the messy custody battle that would ensue. I also was devastated to imagine my future without my xOW, the one woman I had been with that I knew I was 100% happy with. In the end I think never left because of the guilt I felt. My dad left my mom after several divorces. He then got sole custody of us and I grew up after the age of ten without my mother, she was in another states, dealing with her own stuff, and only visiting like twice a year. The issues with abandonement and other relationship crap I believe stems from this. I couldn't do the same to my kids. I know that divorcing the W does not mean divorcing the kids...but my relationship with them would be forever changed...no matter what anyone says. Your MM is in a tough place. Sometimes when you're in a tough place you just stay put. I would say that you should tell him you can't put yourself through the agony and have him call youif he gets a divorce. It will provide him the chance to really do what he needs to do either way...and more importantly will give you a chance to heal. I kow all this because my xOW ended our A over two months ago. It was one of the worst days of my life...but I admire her strength.
Gamine Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 There is so much good info on here....thank you. My question tho.... Has anyone been here?? He leaves....and is unhappy and desperately missing his 3 kids. He stays....and is unhappy and missing me. I don't want the typical, if he loved you he would leave, we all know its more complicated than that...its a serious question. Faced with those options, what do i do??? Yeah, but you know what? You get through all of the complicated questions and it all still boils down to the same thing. Why doesn't he leave? Why doesn't he choose? Why doesn't he make up his mind? A FWS, a man, posted on another thread... that men want affairs not divorces. I don't know if that is the case here or not... you will have to pin him down on that one. However, if you aren't getting what you want or need from a relationship then it is up to you (and only you) to decide what is right for you. His sitting on the fence pretty well lays it out for you. It is as if he wants it both ways. If you don't think both ways work for you, then tell him so. Then make the appropriate choice yourself and take that decision away from him.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I don't want the typical, if he loved you he would leave, we all know its more complicated than that...its a serious question. Faced with those options, what do i do??? I guess faced with those options you just stay the OW, right? That's what your MM wants you to do. That way he doesn't have to split marital assets, pay child and/or spousal support, admit that he's *gasp* done something wrong. He has the best of both worlds here and he doesn't want to lose that. What do you think you should do? What do you want? You didn't say much about your R with him. You sound like you're going to be an understanding OW and accept that from him. Don't. Send him home to his W and kids. He's already made his choice. GEL I just hate when grown men *hide* behind their children.
FromI Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 It think most of us WS are sitting on the fence like the MM in this case... We don't know which way to go, because we lose both ways, something/someone we care for so much (the OM/OW or the kids and family) And we just stay there, on that stupid fence.... and wait until someone/something decides for us and pushes us and we fall on one of the sides... and when we do fall it hurts so much... (but we deserve it!) So your MM is on the same fence and whichever part of the fence he falls he is unhappy and there is no way out (well, there was... not getting on that fence, but that's another story)
OWoman Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 There is so much good info on here....thank you. My question tho.... Has anyone been here?? He leaves....and is unhappy and desperately missing his 3 kids. He stays....and is unhappy and missing me. I don't want the typical, if he loved you he would leave, we all know its more complicated than that...its a serious question. Faced with those options, what do i do??? Tell him to get a better lawyer if he's serious. Shared custody is pretty standard - he can have the kids 50% of the time, and that 50% of the time won't be shared with a W he no longer wants to be with, so it will be quality time with the kids, a far better arrangement than he currently has where time with the kids is "contaminated" with her presence (IF he no longer loves her or wants to be with her - big IF). I understand that things don't always work out wonderfully, but in my case my H's R with his kids became better, closer and less fraught once he dumped his xW. It doesn't have to be a loss.
norajane Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 He leaves....and is unhappy and desperately missing his 3 kids. He stays....and is unhappy and missing me. Well, of course, because it's all about him and his happiness and who he's missing and how he's affected by his wants, right? Don't buy into his drama. What do you want? Is he capable of giving it to you...now, not in some fantasy time and space? No? Then you have a choice as to what to do with your life. You can choose to move on, or you can choose to stick around for his vacillation, with all the attendant anxiety. It's that simple - there is nothing else you can do.
jennie-jennie Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Jennie...speaking as a divorced man with two kids myself...its an agonizing period of time. I initiated the D from my WS and STILL had thoughts of "maybe I could tolerate her for the kids". The loss of 24x7 daily interaction is the problem, not his W. And its a POWERFUL draw. Yes, it does fade and a new normal settles in for him and the kids...but it takes TIME. I think your off the mark in saying he is divorcing his W and not the kids...and the correction is some advice to the OP as well...you are witnessing very normal divorce behavior. NOTHING you can do but give him time. EXCEPT. HE hasn't filed for divorce has he? Care to post more details so that myself and smarter members can give you some advice? JW I hear you. I appreciate this post from a man who has lived through divorce himself.
Meaplus3 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I don't want the typical, if he loved you he would leave, we all know its more complicated than that...its a serious question. Faced with those options, what do i do??? But the simple fact remains ML, that if he loves you than he would leave it's just true. Can you see that? Yes, it's complicated but.. he'd move moutains to be with you.. if it was what he really wanted. Mea:)
NoIDidn't Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Make Lemonade, where did you go? Did you want him to leave or were you fine with being an OW forever? It sounds like he isn't going to leave if it means not seeing his children everyday. Sounds like he needs to speak with a lawyer before he lays the "I can't leave because of my kids" excuse on you.
Author make lemonade Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 I know it is hard but the man is way too mixed up to be able to commit to a serious R with you at the moment. The 100% right thing to do would be to tell him that he is too mixed up, that you can only be with a guy who is capable of treating you with love, and respect, and who is 100% ready for a R and who can make you happy, and then you leave him and go NC. He gets his space and you get to get off this hideous miserable emotional rollercoaster. If you two are meant to be, he will come and find you when he is in a better emotional place. Right now sounds like he is flip flopping emotionally. The A dynamic is a weird one - you (and probably the W) have become conditioned to allowing this guy to go to another woman often, and to have feelings for another woman, and to be able to 'choose'. You need to remove this part of the dynamic as it is COMPLETELY unacceptable. Make him know you aren't just always there regardless of his dithering-if he wants to be with you, fine, commit to it and make you happy. If he doesn't, then go, if he isn't sure, then you're leaving until he is damn sure that he values you and wants to be with you, then you'll think about coming back... This can all be said with love and grace, but it needs to be said! Your right....i know it needs to be said. And i have learnt that when i back away is when he gets more 'attentive' (for want of a better word.) But the simple fact is, i cant say it. Im not ready to run the risk of losing him. Im still very much at 'this' is far better than nothing at all. He needs to understand that it is not his kids he is divorcing. They will always be in his life. Unfortunately it might take a long time, if ever, for him to realize this. Are you willing to wait and see, even if in the end he never leaves his wife? I have tried to explain this to him, but i also understand that until you have been there.... Not too long ago, I started a thread on exactly this topic. Thought you might want to see it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195720/ Thanks for that MistyK. It was very interesting to read. When i read what you wrote:- "My MM used to say that to end the M or end the R with me would be like cutting of one of his legs - he can't walk without either one. He often says that he has come to the conclusion that he can't be happy (unless he no longer has obligation to his W - she'd have to be dead) because he doesn't want to have to share his kids to be with me and yet knows he will "miss/pine for me for the rest of his life" if he returns to her. Arguably, the premise is flawed - he seems to look at it with an all-or-none view, but it is what he believes," I just about cried with relief that someone else knows exactly what i am talking about. Thats EXACTLY what has been said to me. But the simple fact remains ML, that if he loves you than he would leave it's just true. Can you see that? Yes, it's complicated but.. he'd move moutains to be with you.. if it was what he really wanted. Mea:) My heart sees that, yes. But im also old enough to realise life just isnt that simple and doesnt just fit into those boxes. In fact, if he wasnt struggling with the issue of the children, he wouldnt be the man i love.....if he was prepared to leave his kids without a backwards glance i would be very concerned. But i do appreciate your point. And in a perfect world.... Make Lemonade, where did you go? Did you want him to leave or were you fine with being an OW forever? It sounds like he isn't going to leave if it means not seeing his children everyday. Sounds like he needs to speak with a lawyer before he lays the "I can't leave because of my kids" excuse on you. Im still here....i've just been reading and thinking.... I do want him to leave....and i dont want to be the OW forever....but after a few years and lots of complications, many of which were my fault, I still love him, I'm still in love with him....and there is no way I am going to deliver any sort of ultimatum. Im not prepared to take the risk that I lose. Thank you all for your replies....i do appreciate it, its actually refrshingly nice to be somewhere where people do actually understand.
Author make lemonade Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 One other question...and its something that someone alluded to, i think he is happy to fence sit because its to hard to make a decision, i think he wants the decision made for him.....in fact i know he does.... I have her phone number....question is, do i use it?
jasminetea Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I don't think there's a right answer to that one. The consequences of telling her could be all and anything. She may kick him out and he may come to you as a result (but not necessarily), would you want a man who only came to you because he had no choice? Or, her pain maybe so great at finding out he's cheated on her, he may realise how awful he's been and attempt to fix his marriage and go NC with you. Or, maybe his wife will tell their children and they end up hating their father, would he forgive you that? And there another 1000 possibilities, but I can't think of very many that would result in you getting what you want. The only way to force his hand (which is what phoning his wife is all about) is to cut all contact with him.
Recommended Posts