Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I never meant for him to control his sex drive, I was very open with him and what I wanted in order for me to feel more intimate with him. Maybe this was too much work for him? He would also masturbate twice a day and I had no issues with that, if I was not able to have sex with him and he wanted to do that, that is fine with me if it makes him happy. He would masturbate even on the days that we did have sex too.Don't get tangled into a discussion about biological drives. It's not about biology. If you had more energy due to carrying less of the domestic load, sex wouldn't be an issue. Sex is the side issue.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Nope. He's working you through emotional manipulation. I would almost bet money that he'll want to really twist the guilt, then try to come back. If you decide to take him back, things have got to change. He's going to have to pull his weight so you're not the one left dragging the lions share of the burden. Because you're human and still love him. But, no one deserves to be treated like a domestic slave. Why doesn't this surprise me? Right in character with the boy he is. WOW, you are pretty dead on with alot of your stuff. He has actually the last couple of weeks turned everything around saying that it is all my fault that we are apart, but he is also saying that he will never be with me again so I don't see him comming back. He has turned the guilt onto me and it does make me feel pretty ****ty. I just need to keep reminding myself that it is not all my fault. Yes unfortunatley I do still love him love is blind.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Don't get tangled into a discussion about biological drives. It's not about biology. If you had more energy due to carrying less of the domestic load, sex wouldn't be an issue. Sex is the side issue. No, sex is not about biology. People have sex drives because it's fun, and the storks deliver babies to their mums........
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 WOW, you are pretty dead on with alot of your stuff. He has actually the last couple of weeks turned everything around saying that it is all my fault that we are apart, but he is also saying that he will never be with me again so I don't see him comming back.Well, most definitely, he wants something from you. Money maybe? Or for you to make his life smooth again, without him having to take any responsibility, like being a good partner and father. Maybe he wants you to be the one to trek the kids back and forth between the two of you. He has turned the guilt onto me and it does make me feel pretty ****ty. I just need to keep reminding myself that it is not all my fault. Yes unfortunatley I do still love him love is blind. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you like that. The minute he starts to pull that crap, shut him down. If he wants to see the kids, he can come see them. Don't give him any money and let him learn to live without your loving care.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Well, most definitely, he wants something from you. Money maybe? Or for you to make his life smooth again, without him having to take any responsibility, like being a good partner and father. Maybe he wants you to be the one to trek the kids back and forth between the two of you. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you like that. The minute he starts to pull that crap, shut him down. If he wants to see the kids, he can come see them. Don't give him any money and let him learn to live without your loving care. I guess this sheds some light into why, when he picks up our daughter he always lingers around the house. Asks if he can have coffee, he wants to stay and talk about himself and whine about his situation. Yes because I do still love him I just sit there and listen to him and give him good advice on what he should or should not do and I have given him money too. Jeez I have been manipulated and he knows I still love him, he is smart he knows what he is doing and he knows I would do anything for him. I need to stop doing this.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 No, sex is not about biology. People have sex drives because it's fun, and the storks deliver babies to their mums........ Yes sex is fun I do miss that aspect very much being single now... The storks do deliver babies, I was delivered to my mom by the stork! hehehe
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I guess this sheds some light into why, when he picks up our daughter he always lingers around the house. Asks if he can have coffee, he wants to stay and talk about himself and whine about his situation. Yes because I do still love him I just sit there and listen to him and give him good advice on what he should or should not do and I have given him money too. Jeez I have been manipulated and he knows I still love him, he is smart he knows what he is doing and he knows I would do anything for him. I need to stop doing this.The next time he comes over and asks for coffee, tell him you've got to leave so he can't stay. Don't give him an explanation of where or what you're doing. He's given up any rights to know, since he left.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 The next time he comes over and asks for coffee, tell him you've got to leave so he can't stay. Don't give him an explanation of where or what you're doing. He's given up any rights to know, since he left. I have known for awhile that I shouldn't do that but yeah I love him and I have been really stupid with our break up, I have begged him several times over the last few months to just work things out and he wont, so I continued to give him what he does want from me. Going forward I am going to stop all of this, that's it no more! I need to be strong! thank you
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I have known for awhile that I shouldn't do that but yeah I love him and I have been really stupid with our break up, I have begged him several times over the last few months to just work things out and he wont, so I continued to give him what he does want from me. Going forward I am going to stop all of this, that's it no more! I need to be strong! thank you You're welcome. Now stay strong and if you need to talk about it, keep on posting on LS. You owe him nothing beyond civility for the sake of your mutual child. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and realize that he can't just have the good parts of you and not be willing to be a man and shoulder the responsibilities that go along with being a good father and partner. And yes, sex is just the side issue and the excuse for him to bolt. Don't let him manipulate you with it. I'm off to bed now. ((hugs))
bean1 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I think childless women and in general, men, really underestimate the mental and physical drain that happens to a woman after childbirth. The sex drive DOES come back (for healthy women, post-birth depression is a different story) but men really have to be patient and understanding that it can take time. I think being able to understand and adapt to this really separates the men from the boys.
Woggle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Of course sex is important. I am not going to live like a catholic priest for any long period of time. There is a reason why that profession tends to attract mostly weirdos and pedophiles.
utterer of lies Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Is sex really that important? Yes. Why would a guy leave his fiance, kids and the whole family life, when we had plans of a future together and got along very well in every other aspect, just because of sex? is it really that important? Would anyone here leave their SO because they felt they were not intimate enough? Not necessarily, if both parties can agree to sexual non-exclusivity. I view marriage primarily as a economic contract to raise kids and give them stability and safety when they are the weakest, and to assure a good 'nurturing' environment for their mental and emotional development. Sexual exclusivity is way less important than being able to give the offspring a good, stable family home.
Sam Spade Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 It is not that important in a sense that it doesn't have to be a mind blowing thing; Good enough is well, good enough. So I wouldn't leave just because it could be marginally better someplace, if everything else in the relationship is satisfying. Now, bad or no sex is different story. If your partner has no interest in sex that signifies major relationship issues, so unless they are resolved, then yes - it is a cause to leave. Staying under these corcumstances would simply mean ignoring these issues/burying your head in the sand.
Shygirl15 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 You of course need to look at age as well, so a woman around 30-35 will have higher sex drive than a woman around 20, or say a man over 50. Seems like my BF (52yrs) has a much higher sex drive than me (32yrs) so we need to be careful because these theories are not always right.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I've broken up with a girl over a similar issue. We had only been dating for about 6 months, and we had sex pretty much every day. About 5 months in the sex began to slow down a little to maybe 3-4 times in a bad week. I asked her if there was something wrong and she said no. After a few weeks of this she turned me down two days in a row, the third day she said no and I left. I wasn't being shallow, I wasn't being a baby, I just felt like she was distancing herself from me and she didn't want to talk about it. I would wonder all day what I was doing wrong, and why she was less attracted to me. Your situation is very different, but he is probably feeling inferior and thinks you're falling out of love or something.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I've broken up with a girl over a similar issue. We had only been dating for about 6 months, and we had sex pretty much every day. About 5 months in the sex began to slow down a little to maybe 3-4 times in a bad week. I asked her if there was something wrong and she said no. After a few weeks of this she turned me down two days in a row, the third day she said no and I left. I wasn't being shallow, I wasn't being a baby, I just felt like she was distancing herself from me and she didn't want to talk about it. I would wonder all day what I was doing wrong, and why she was less attracted to me. Your situation is very different, but he is probably feeling inferior and thinks you're falling out of love or something. He did mention when he left me that he felt like I wasn't in love with him anymore. I told him alot how much I loved him, and I would do nice things for him to show how much I cared for him. He also said that I made him feel like a bitch of a man, that hurt because I didn't think that is what I was doing. It's not like we never had sex, it just wasn't as much during the first few years of our relationship and having children can change things with anyone. He did not understand that, and I just can't understand why someone would leave for this reason without trying to work things out?
Birdy Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Would anyone here leave their SO because they felt they were not intimate enough? Well, the thing is, it's not the lack of sex in and of itself that would get to me... it's the negative thoughts that would stem from it, that would ultimately kill my relationship. If my SO had less and less sex with me, I would eventually feel like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, or he wasn't interested in me, and then resentment would kick in... I would start having jealous thoughts, like "I wonder if there's someone else he's more attracted to" or "If I looked/acted/forked like person XYZ, he would want me more" and things like that. I might subconsciously start to feel neglected, undervalued, etc. and those resentments take their toll on the relationship. They would eventually make me shut him out or drive me nuts. Even just not having frequent sex with my guy would just make me feel "far away" from him. But I'm a physical person, so... yeah.
Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Sex is very important...not everything...but when someone is not feeling satisfied it feels like the only thing that matters. I think a lot of men equate sex with intimacy. Women are much more skilled at creating a close loving bond through other means, sex is an avenue, but not the only one. Us guys are much more limited and the connection derived from sex is like love. That being said, any marriage or LTR is going to have its ebbs and flows. He will find that no relationship will stay in the three times a day stage forever.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Sex is very important...not everything...but when someone is not feeling satisfied it feels like the only thing that matters. I think a lot of men equate sex with intimacy. Women are much more skilled at creating a close loving bond through other means, sex is an avenue, but not the only one. Us guys are much more limited and the connection derived from sex is like love. That being said, any marriage or LTR is going to have its ebbs and flows. He will find that no relationship will stay in the three times a day stage forever. I did not even know that this was how he preceived sex until he told me when he left. That he didn't feel there was a connection because we did not have sex enough. If I had known that it caused him such an emotional strain, I would have done something about it. Yes it was about 2 times a week for us but we still did have spurts about every month or so, where we would have sex 2-3 times a day for about a week. He would travel for work and usually be gone for about a week, so when he came home is when we would become more intimate. I had no idea what it was doing to him
Sam Spade Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I don't think that the actual frequency is what matters that much, but rather if there is rejection ("I'm not in the mood" etc.). Well, you'd beter get in the mood ! (And it works both ways. I've had sex with my gf even when I wasn't feling to excited about it, just so not to unnecesarily hurt her feelings etc.) I wouldn't care if during some stressful perio or something we ended up havin sex every other week or month, that's not the point. But i will instantly notice being turned down, and it will take only a couple of instances of that until i suggest a conversation, and if there is no mutual understanding and efforts to see what's going on thereafter, then I'd be out for sure.
Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I did not even know that this was how he preceived sex until he told me when he left. That he didn't feel there was a connection because we did not have sex enough. If I had known that it caused him such an emotional strain, I would have done something about it. Yes it was about 2 times a week for us but we still did have spurts about every month or so, where we would have sex 2-3 times a day for about a week. He would travel for work and usually be gone for about a week, so when he came home is when we would become more intimate. I had no idea what it was doing to him Hey Lucy...hold up. There are two people in a relationship. i was just trying to give insight into why some people, men especially, feel a strong need for sex. I happen to have a very healthy sex drive...like do many others. However, you also have needs. You need to feel rested. You need to not be stressed. You need to not feel like a piece of meat. One thing that many have to learn is how to be mature in a relationship. A real mature and loving relationship involves a lot of growth. Men have to learn how to feel emotional connection through non-sexual ways. I struggle with this...but it is the key to being in a long term relationship, married or not. Do not beat yourself up.
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