lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 My ex-fiance, whom I have mentioned several times in here. We have 1 child together, I also have an older daughter from my ex-husbond in which he jumped in almost right away and raised her as his own. We were together for 6 years and ultimatley he left because he felt that I had issues with sex and we were not intimate enough. During the first few years of our relationship we were intimate together every chance we had! usually 4-5 times a week if not more. After we had our child together I went through depression and fatigue. I just could not keep up with it like we used too, it got to the point after our daughter was born that we were intimate about 2 times a week and that was on a good week, but we would also have spurts throughout our relationship when I was feeling really good and it would be alot more than that. My fiance and I got along great, very compatible, alot of love for one another, we were best friends! of course we had our hard times and fights who doesent. Why would a guy leave his fiance, kids and the whole family life, when we had plans of a future together and got along very well in every other aspect, just because of sex? is it really that important? Would anyone here leave their SO because they felt they were not intimate enough?
dreamergrl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 My ex fiance and I split up, and one of the reasons was we weren't being intimate like that anymore. He didn't feel I felt the same, because I wasn't showing it in that area. And honestly, I wasn't giving it up all that much, and it was because I started distancing myself from him. And honestly, sex is important to me, I like that physical connection. It's not the only thing that is important, but it is important, to me.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 It's not that I didn't want too, I did but by the time I got home from work the kids were in bed and my homework was done I was exhausted and all I could think of was just going to sleep. I did notice the last year we were together I did find it more difficult to be with him because I also felt that he started to treat me like an object. He only showed interest in me if he just wanted to have sex, and it made me feel cheap and I told him this several times but it just never sank in.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Everyone's different. Some people don't have big sex drives, others do and can't do without it. If you wonder can men marry, everything is good apart from the sex and they stay? Sure they can, I see it all the time. But many of those men go out and pay for sex outside or go and hit on other women. You can't remove animal nature. I mean I posted the chemistry thread, and all the women said they can't be with someone without chemistry...... Well some people can't be without sex.
dreamergrl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 It's not that I didn't want too, I did but by the time I got home from work the kids were in bed and my homework was done I was exhausted and all I could think of was just going to sleep. I did notice the last year we were together I did find it more difficult to be with him because I also felt that he started to treat me like an object. He only showed interest in me if he just wanted to have sex, and it made me feel cheap and I told him this several times but it just never sank in. This would bother me too, even though I have a high sex drive. We don't want to be just objects, it's not a good feeling. I didn't mean to say you don't want it, I just was giving an example.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Feeling like you're being treated like a sex object is a complaint many people have when they don't feel the urge for sex and pushed to have sex. It's not the intention of the person with higher sex drive to do this. It's just that people naturally react badly to being pushed to do something they don't want to do.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 What was your fiance doing, after he came home from work? Were the domestic chores, cooking and caregiving an even split?
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 This would bother me too, even though I have a high sex drive. We don't want to be just objects, it's not a good feeling. I didn't mean to say you don't want it, I just was giving an example. Yeah I know what you meant I really enjoy sex too, I often thought of him during the day when my energy was it it's highest, but by the time the kids were in bed and we could do anything I would just fall asleep from exhaustion. There were times I did not even remember falling asleep and he would be upset the next day that I passed out. I just don't understand if he really wanted to have sex and I told him that they way he approached me made me feel cheap why wouldn't he just stop doing that? I don't know it is just frustrating! I gave him several ideas on how to come onto me so I would feel more wanted and relaxed into having sex but he just wouldn't do it.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 What was your fiance doing, after he came home from work? Were the domestic chores, cooking and caregiving an even split? No the chores were not evenly split, he would help out occassionaly and you know what I can honestly say that I did not bitch too badly about that. The only thing I would ask him to do was take out the trash, yes he would help with cleanning the cars on the weekends and do an occassional load of laundry but for the most part it was 85% me and 15% him as far as domestic chores go.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I just don't understand if he really wanted to have sex and I told him that they way he approached me made me feel cheap why wouldn't he just stop doing that? I don't know it is just frustrating! I gave him several ideas on how to come onto me so I would feel more wanted and relaxed into having sex but he just wouldn't do it. Ah you had the classic male/female difference problem. See men can have and want sex at any time, just need to flip a switch. Women generally need to get into the mood, and warmed up like an oven. You need to communicate this point to the guy, and if he doesn't take the time to go through foreplay then forget it. If the guy doesn't want to do it, then really what can you do? Laziness is a character flaw........
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 No the chores were not evenly split, he would help out occassionaly and you know what I can honestly say that I did not bitch too badly about that. The only thing I would ask him to do was take out the trash, yes he would help with cleanning the cars on the weekends and do an occassional load of laundry but for the most part it was 85% me and 15% him as far as domestic chores go.Perhaps this was something that should have been corrected, so you had more energy to think about sex. No one wants to be under-appreciated and used, then made to feel like they have a lower sex drive. Are you sure that your fiance leaving, wasn't a blessing in disguise? You might have signed into a lifetime of this type of ungrateful treatment.
dreamergrl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Well, I think too, when there's kids, and running a full household, it's gotta be harder to keep the sexual flame going. I can't even fathom that one, as I don't have kids. Don't feel to frustrated though. While sex is important, it's not the only thing. And if you felt like he was coming at you as an object, then there was something wrong with his approach.
dreamergrl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Ah you had the classic male/female difference problem. See men can have and want sex at any time, just need to flip a switch. Women generally need to get into the mood, and warmed up like an oven. You need to communicate this point to the guy, and if he doesn't take the time to go through foreplay then forget it. If the guy doesn't want to do it, then really what can you do? Laziness is a character flaw........ I disagree. I've had relationships where I've had a higher sex drive. I've had relationships where I was asking for sex and only getting it when he wanted it.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 While sex is important, it's not the only thing. Yeah but see that's the woman's way of seeing things. A man's with a higher sex drive will see things differently. Again this post, as well as the chemistry post is subtle reminders of why relationships are so hard. Much of it is biolgocially drive. You can't reason past it. I could tell you to just accept a man that treats you well and really in love with you. But then if you don't feel the chemistry you won't be interested.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I disagree. I've had relationships where I've had a higher sex drive. I've had relationships where I was asking for sex and only getting it when he wanted it. Ok the statment "Men are taller than women" Is that a true or false statement? Most people will accept it's true. Yet there are plenty of women taller than very short men. General statements are used to describe trends in behaviors that cover large percentages of populations. Generally men can want sex on a switch and have higher sex drives than women. You of course need to look at age as well, so a woman around 30-35 will have higher sex drive than a woman around 20, or say a man over 50.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Perhaps this was something that should have been corrected, so you had more energy to think about sex. No one wants to be under-appreciated and used, then made to feel like they have a lower sex drive. Are you sure that your fiance leaving, wasn't a blessing in disguise? You might have signed into a lifetime of this type of ungrateful treatment. It is definatley hard to see it as a blessing right now but that is why it is in disguise right? Maybe for me right now it has been difficult to adjust with all of the new changes in my life since he is gone and it doesent help when I see him he complains about not being able to see the kids everyday, and he hates sleeping on his friends sofa, and he doesent have any money. I tell him this was your choice, you know he didn't have to do this. I was willing to work things out. Someday I hope I can thank him for this.
dreamergrl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Ok the statment "Men are taller than women" Is that a true or false statement? Most people will accept it's true. Yet there are plenty of women taller than very short men. General statements are used to describe trends in behaviors that cover large percentages of populations. Generally men can want sex on a switch and have higher sex drives than women. You of course need to look at age as well, so a woman around 30-35 will have higher sex drive than a woman around 20, or say a man over 50. I'm 27. And I've been like that through out my 20's.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 It is definatley hard to see it as a blessing right now but that is why it is in disguise right? Maybe for me right now it has been difficult to adjust with all of the new changes in my life since he is gone and it doesent help when I see him he complains about not being able to see the kids everyday, and he hates sleeping on his friends sofa, and he doesent have any money. I tell him this was your choice, you know he didn't have to do this. I was willing to work things out. Someday I hope I can thank him for this.It sounds to me like he's accustomed to being taken care of, by you. Now reality sets in and notice how it's all about him? I think you're starting to see this guy for real now, someone who's neither respectful or considerate of you. Don't you want a real man and father, who shoulders his share of the responsibilities v. a boy, who wants to be taken care of, who whines about not getting sex?
dreamergrl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Yeah but see that's the woman's way of seeing things. A man's with a higher sex drive will see things differently. Again this post, as well as the chemistry post is subtle reminders of why relationships are so hard. Much of it is biolgocially drive. You can't reason past it. I could tell you to just accept a man that treats you well and really in love with you. But then if you don't feel the chemistry you won't be interested. There's more to then being treated well and loved though. You need common interests. You need attraction. You need to feel something. What good would I be to this man if I didn't feel the same love for him? I would be holding him back from finding a girl that did have those feelings. Just as I wouldn't want a man to hold me back from finding someone who truly loved me.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 There's more to then being treated well and loved though. You need common interests. You need attraction. You need to feel something. What good would I be to this man if I didn't feel the same love for him? I would be holding him back from finding a girl that did have those feelings. Just as I wouldn't want a man to hold me back from finding someone who truly loved me. I don't think you get the point. The point is the theory behind it is sound, but the practical effects of what our bodies and psychology drive us to do is different. If our bodies were designed logically then there wouldn't be relationship problems, but they are not and that's why there are so many problems. There's no point getting opinions that reinforce your existing opinions. That's just to get validation. It's much better to understand why the other person does what they do so you can develope better strategies and common grounds. Telling a man he should love you and therefore control his sex drive is about as useful as me telling a girl she should love me because I'm a nice guy and will treat her well. At the end of the day biology in relationship decision making is so strong you can't ignore it.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 It sounds to me like he's accustomed to being taken care of, by you. Now reality sets in and notice how it's all about him? I think you're starting to see this guy for real now, someone who's neither respectful or considerate of you. Don't you want a real man and father, who shoulders his share of the responsibilities v. a boy, who wants to be taken care of, who whines about not getting sex? I think the hardest part for me has been that he is soooo unhappy with his situation now and he constantly whines about it, but he would rather be in that situation than have worked things out with me because he felt that he didn't get enough sex? It makes me feel like a horrible person. You are absoloutley right, I do deserve a man not a boy. I don't know why I fret over this one. Btw, he did actually pout everynight that we did not have sex, that was also a huge turn off as well. I told him that too, but he still wouldn't stop.
dreamergrl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Yeah... there is nothing sexy about a guy pouting because he's not getting his way, especially over sex.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I don't think you get the point. The point is the theory behind it is sound, but the practical effects of what our bodies and psychology drive us to do is different. If our bodies were designed logically then there wouldn't be relationship problems, but they are not and that's why there are so many problems. There's no point getting opinions that reinforce your existing opinions. That's just to get validation. It's much better to understand why the other person does what they do so you can develope better strategies and common grounds. Telling a man he should love you and therefore control his sex drive is about as useful as me telling a girl she should love me because I'm a nice guy and will treat her well. At the end of the day biology in relationship decision making is so strong you can't ignore it. I never meant for him to control his sex drive, I was very open with him and what I wanted in order for me to feel more intimate with him. Maybe this was too much work for him? He would also masturbate twice a day and I had no issues with that, if I was not able to have sex with him and he wanted to do that, that is fine with me if it makes him happy. He would masturbate even on the days that we did have sex too.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I think the hardest part for me has been that he is soooo unhappy with his situation now and he constantly whines about it, but he would rather be in that situation than have worked things out with me because he felt that he didn't get enough sex? It makes me feel like a horrible person.Nope. He's working you through emotional manipulation. I would almost bet money that he'll want to really twist the guilt, then try to come back. If you decide to take him back, things have got to change. He's going to have to pull his weight so you're not the one left dragging the lions share of the burden. You are absoloutley right, I do deserve a man not a boy. I don't know why I fret over this one. Because you're human and still love him. But, no one deserves to be treated like a domestic slave. Btw, he did actually pout everynight that we did not have sex, that was also a huge turn off as well. I told him that too, but he still wouldn't stop.Why doesn't this surprise me? Right in character with the boy he is.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I never meant for him to control his sex drive, I was very open with him and what I wanted in order for me to feel more intimate with him. Maybe this was too much work for him? He would also masturbate twice a day and I had no issues with that, if I was not able to have sex with him and he wanted to do that, that is fine with me if it makes him happy. He would masturbate even on the days that we did have sex too. Yeah well from what you've said about him he sounds pretty lazy. Going through all the foreplay requires effort, seems like he wasn't willing even to put in that effort. Well if he wouldn't that's his fault.
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