BWLoca Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 My boyfriend (about 9 months) and I had a fight on Monday. He wanted some time to cool off which was fine. He sent me an email today just kind of stating that he wanted to try to work things out. I said I would give him a call tonight, but when I called, he didn't pick up the phone. He hasn't called back, no email, no text...anybody have any insight? My sister says he's testing me. Btw, I definitely don't plan to call him or answer his calls until I get a written apology.
vertical Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 1. Maybe he is busy. Give him a few days, if he made the attempt to work things out then let him do it on his own time. 2. Written apology? Why not a face to face apology? If he writes it then it could be an apology which states exactly what you want to hear. This is not always possible in face to face situations. 3. Why does he have to apologize? Was he in the wrong?
Author BWLoca Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 The only thing he said he might be doing is playing pool, and even said that he would answer if he was and let me know if he could talk or not. I'm fine with that, I don't expect him to change his plans. I wouldn't. But if he still needs time, he should have the courtesy to say so. We live about an hour and a half away from each other so talking face to face won't be that easy. The reason I want an apology is because I flat out asked him earlier that day if he wanted to talk that night. He replied that he would, and that he would answer his phone. I know for a fact that his phone is always on him.
loveslife Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Seems he needs more time to cool off. Or maybe he's changed his mind about wanting to work things out and needs to figure out what he really wants. Give him some time and space.
Author BWLoca Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Oh, no worries, he'll get plenty of that
Author BWLoca Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 How much time should I give him before I just say "screw it"? I'm thinking a week...
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 If he is "testing" you, he's being passive aggressive and that is not a rut you two want to get stuck in. I would tell him how you feel, and hear from him, if you genuinely feel that he's trying to test you or get a reaction, let him know that it is not going to be acceptable to you.
Author BWLoca Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Well, so far I still haven't heard from him. Earlier this week we talked about trying to have a face to face conversation but after the unreturned phone call, I don't know if that's still going to happen. I'm still open to working it out because I think overall the relationship is good, but I'm not going to wait around for very long.
vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Why not just contact him again? Dont do it too much so you dont look needy, but by contacting one more time you would know if he was just feeding you bs or if something really did happen.
Author BWLoca Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 I'm considering it as the waiting around not knowing anything is driving me crazy...but my first instinct is to let him make the next move. I'm just wondering how long is too long for me to wait around before just moving on and considering it a break up?
vertical Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 My opinion is that you will know when its too long. If you think that this isnt working out, and he isnt making any effort, then you will know when to move on and find someone new. But i still stand by the contacting him one more time. But do as your gut tells you.
TaraMaiden Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I'm sorry. I find mind-games stupid. Just text him, for goodness' sake, and say, "please contact me, even if it's to tell me it's over. I'm a big girl, I can take it." This constant planning and chess-playing is a waste of time, and power games like this have no place in a constructive relationship. To whit, they're childish. if you want to be in a relationship be a big girl, and grow up. if you have sex, you're an adult. Act like one...... Truly, I am sorry, but it sounds really immature to me to be behaving this way.
Author BWLoca Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 No, I'm giving him the space he requested. I'm not playing a game; I'm just not going to go chasing after him. He already knows how I feel.
loveslife Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 What was the argument about? I thought the last contact from him was that he wanted to work on the relationship?
Author BWLoca Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 Hard to say, really. I think I'm still trying to figure that out myself. It started off with me being upset about something he'd done and trying to express that, and it blew up. At one point, we were even arguing about how we should argue! I think he thought I was attacking him and he just completely shut down.
dreamergrl Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 After nine months, I think the mind game is a little silly. There's a bunch of reasons of why he didn't answer or call, but there's only one reason for playing this game with him.....
TaraMaiden Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hard to say, really. I think I'm still trying to figure that out myself. It started off with me being upset about something he'd done and trying to express that, and it blew up. At one point, we were even arguing about how we should argue! I think he thought I was attacking him and he just completely shut down. All the more reason to stop messing around. You're not sure, you think he thinks... if he's acting like a jerk (and only you know that, but it sounds very much as if he is ) is he worth the effort? How hard do you want to work to pacify his petulant ego? There must be an easier way to exist in a fulfilling, mutually satisfying and mature relationship. Send him a (better) text. Tell him to take his ego, put it where the sun don't shine, and find yourself an adult to date. One who will respect you and treat you like an equal. Not bring you down to his level.
Author BWLoca Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 All the more reason to stop messing around. You're not sure, you think he thinks... if he's acting like a jerk (and only you know that, but it sounds very much as if he is ) is he worth the effort? How hard do you want to work to pacify his petulant ego? There must be an easier way to exist in a fulfilling, mutually satisfying and mature relationship. Send him a (better) text. Tell him to take his ego, put it where the sun don't shine, and find yourself an adult to date. One who will respect you and treat you like an equal. Not bring you down to his level. I see your point. I guess I will have to be the grown up in this situation. The problem is I do think he's worth the effort because this is really the only time I've had a real problem with anything he's done. I'm going to send him one last email.
Author BWLoca Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Okay, he ended up emailing me first claiming he never got my call Also, he wants to meet up to give back each other's things...can this be salvaged or is it already over in his mind?
loveslife Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Okay, he ended up emailing me first claiming he never got my call Also, he wants to meet up to give back each other's things...can this be salvaged or is it already over in his mind? You should ask him that question.
Author BWLoca Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 I did. No reply so far...guess I want to be prepared for the worst.
loveslife Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Good for you for asking. No matter what you do, if it's over it's going to take some time to accept and move on. Keep us posted on what happens. Good luck.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I agree that you'll have to ask him, but I'm leaning towards "over." Especially with the phone call thing. Either he truly didn't get it (then why didn't he call YOU if it was important?) or he's full of crap and ignored it. Either way - I don't think he IS "worth it." But that's JMO. Besides the fact - he knew you wanted to talk about it to work on things and the call never occurred. He's not even trying at this point - let's just meet and give back each other's things. OK - have your stuff back. I wouldn't give this guy another shot. To work things out when stuff like this comes up, there needs to be an equal amount of effort being put in by both parties. He seems content to give up.
Author BWLoca Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 I agree that you'll have to ask him, but I'm leaning towards "over." Especially with the phone call thing. Either he truly didn't get it (then why didn't he call YOU if it was important?) or he's full of crap and ignored it. Either way - I don't think he IS "worth it." But that's JMO. Besides the fact - he knew you wanted to talk about it to work on things and the call never occurred. He's not even trying at this point - let's just meet and give back each other's things. OK - have your stuff back. I wouldn't give this guy another shot. To work things out when stuff like this comes up, there needs to be an equal amount of effort being put in by both parties. He seems content to give up. So I'm finding out I don't understand why he didn't just say so. It's not like I didn't ask. Well, thanks for all the advice, everyone! Guess I'm the idiot who didn't see it happening
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