vertical Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Latley i hav been getting really bad insecurity problems. It is all because of past girlfriends. I have had many girls in the past, but the last two (excluding the one i have now) have decided to only date me because of my "image", and they really didnt like me at all. So they would just play like they liked me and when i would fall deep for them they would get scared and run away, like i would expect them too if they werent really in it for me you know? But now im with a girl and she is amazing. We have had problems which i have voiced before on here, but right now we are set and totally into each other. Nothing could be more perfect. But i am falling really really deep for this girl. It is the hardest i have fallen, and i am getting really scared. I keep asking, what if she finds someone better? Or what if she is just dating me for my image aswell? I know she isnt because she doesnt act anything like the last two, but it is still on my mind. What can i do to get over this? I dont want to scare her away because i really really like her, but i dont want a relationship where i end up getting so bad that i worry when she is not with me that she is with other people, you know? Can anyone help? I dont want to ruin something so perfect.
Birdy Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Latley i hav been getting really bad insecurity problems. It is all because of past girlfriends. I have had many girls in the past, but the last two (excluding the one i have now) have decided to only date me because of my "image", and they really didnt like me at all. So they would just play like they liked me and when i would fall deep for them they would get scared and run away, like i would expect them too if they werent really in it for me you know? But now im with a girl and she is amazing. We have had problems which i have voiced before on here, but right now we are set and totally into each other. Nothing could be more perfect. But i am falling really really deep for this girl. It is the hardest i have fallen, and i am getting really scared. I keep asking, what if she finds someone better? Or what if she is just dating me for my image aswell? I know she isnt because she doesnt act anything like the last two, but it is still on my mind. What can i do to get over this? I dont want to scare her away because i really really like her, but i dont want a relationship where i end up getting so bad that i worry when she is not with me that she is with other people, you know? Can anyone help? I dont want to ruin something so perfect. A, is that you?
Birdy Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Sorry, the stuff you said, it could have been my boyfriend talking. Then I checked your other posts and you're a few years younger than him, so no.
Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Buy a big plastic dildo and wack your head real hard in the morning, and say "Thou Shalt not fall too hard!" The way you asked the questions show know all the theory behind it all, to deal with this requires willpower. No one can teach you that...........
Author vertical Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 But how can you get the willpower back once you had it and got it smashed by two different girls?
Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Vertical...brother...come on now...chin up. You said yourself this is a great girl and she is into you. Stop second guessing yourself. I know it is hard to be vulnerable...down right scary. However, if you know that you are worthy of love step up and be the man this girl dreams of. Nothing is less attractive then insecurity. There are no garuntees that relationships work out...so believe in yourself.
hoping2heal Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Latley i hav been getting really bad insecurity problems. It is all because of past girlfriends. I have had many girls in the past, but the last two (excluding the one i have now) have decided to only date me because of my "image", and they really didnt like me at all. So they would just play like they liked me and when i would fall deep for them they would get scared and run away, like i would expect them too if they werent really in it for me you know? But now im with a girl and she is amazing. We have had problems which i have voiced before on here, but right now we are set and totally into each other. Nothing could be more perfect. But i am falling really really deep for this girl. It is the hardest i have fallen, and i am getting really scared. I keep asking, what if she finds someone better? Or what if she is just dating me for my image aswell? I know she isnt because she doesnt act anything like the last two, but it is still on my mind. What can i do to get over this? I dont want to scare her away because i really really like her, but i dont want a relationship where i end up getting so bad that i worry when she is not with me that she is with other people, you know? Can anyone help? I dont want to ruin something so perfect. What is this "image" you alude to? As someone wise helped me understand (IslandGirl again) although I have had terrible things happen in the past, it wasn't the past scaring me, it was the thought of losing something so important to me. What can you do? Start communicating with your gf what you need from her, to feel secure. Be vulnerable with her and open, this will give her some assurance as well, and make it not as scary to put herself out there and meet your needs.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 @Devil - Thanks man. I am in need of this kind of thing, and i guess i will have to get my security on my own and realize that i have something special. @hoping - The "image" as they had said was that i was the kind of guy girls wanted to go out with in order to make their social status improve. I dissaprove hole heartedly, but that was their reason. She is different though and she is not in it for that, because she doesnt need to improve her social status. I love how you said it was the fear of losing something so important to me, because that is exactly it. I just thought it was my past that made me think that i was going to lose her. I fear though that if i go and be vulnerable with her that she will get scared off, thinking im a mushy kind of guy. I dont want her to know i have insecurity problems, because i fear she will get turned off by it, like someone else had said. So what can i do?
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 @Devil - Thanks man. I am in need of this kind of thing, and i guess i will have to get my security on my own and realize that i have something special. @hoping - The "image" as they had said was that i was the kind of guy girls wanted to go out with in order to make their social status improve. I dissaprove hole heartedly, but that was their reason. She is different though and she is not in it for that, because she doesnt need to improve her social status. I love how you said it was the fear of losing something so important to me, because that is exactly it. I just thought it was my past that made me think that i was going to lose her. I fear though that if i go and be vulnerable with her that she will get scared off, thinking im a mushy kind of guy. I dont want her to know i have insecurity problems, because i fear she will get turned off by it, like someone else had said. So what can i do? OK Vertical...don't misunderstand me. Communicating with your woman is not insecurity. Freaking out when things are good is insecurity. I agree that you need to let her know a little of what is inside for her to feel close. Just tell her that you have been hurt in the past and that you really have feelings for her. If she is a keeper she will reach out, give you a hug, and let you know it's all good. Once she validates you...let the past be the past. I know you got it in you.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 @Devil - Thanks man. I am in need of this kind of thing, and i guess i will have to get my security on my own and realize that i have something special. @hoping - The "image" as they had said was that i was the kind of guy girls wanted to go out with in order to make their social status improve. I dissaprove hole heartedly, but that was their reason. She is different though and she is not in it for that, because she doesnt need to improve her social status. I love how you said it was the fear of losing something so important to me, because that is exactly it. I just thought it was my past that made me think that i was going to lose her. I fear though that if i go and be vulnerable with her that she will get scared off, thinking im a mushy kind of guy. I dont want her to know i have insecurity problems, because i fear she will get turned off by it, like someone else had said. So what can i do? The only way to really grow and nuture your relationship is to be honest and vulnerable with one another. There is no other way. If she loves you; she will UNDERSTAND your insecurities and do what she can to meet your needs. She will love and accept you. That's what you need, if this one is going to run because you're expressing some honest thoughts or feelings with her, it's much better she runs and you get it over with, otherwise you're going to spend your relationship building upon a lie.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Alright, i get it now. Well thanks guys, i will take this to heart. I do love her, so i will open up and see what she thinks about the whole thing.
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Alright, i get it now. Well thanks guys, i will take this to heart. I do love her, so i will open up and see what she thinks about the whole thing. Good luck...let us know how it goes.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Thanks, and i will. She doesnt get home until monday morning, so it will be a while. But i will let you know.
bac Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 You should figure out why your girls left you. It is strange that girls would leave a guy unless there is something clearly wrong with him like he is old, have no erection, selfish, or some other bad stuff. You have the right to ask the girls, who left you, why they did that. You feel insecure because you do not know what is wrong with you. The only way to find out the reasons is to ask the girls. They are not going to tell you that easily, so you should put some effort and explain them that you really need to know what they think about you.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 No i have asked them. Every girl ive broken up with i atleast know why we are breaking up. The last two that i had mentioned broke it off because they just werent into me. I just wasnt a guy they thought that was going to go the distance. They told me they only dated me to improve their social status, and then they wanted to move on from there. I took this as a half compliment but a total rejection at the same time. She though, is in a good clique and wont likely date me for the same reasons.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 You should figure out why your girls left you. It is strange that girls would leave a guy unless there is something clearly wrong with him like he is old, have no erection, selfish, or some other bad stuff. You have the right to ask the girls, who left you, why they did that. You feel insecure because you do not know what is wrong with you. The only way to find out the reasons is to ask the girls. They are not going to tell you that easily, so you should put some effort and explain them that you really need to know what they think about you. BAC, girls leave perfectly good men all of the time. ESPECIALLY when their motives for the relationship weren't honorable. I.e dating for money, status, dating a rebound because you're hurting. It sounds like OP dated a lot of women after superficial things, and to be fair OP, you were probably originally willing to accomodate them based on a superficial reason ALSO. But, it doesn't need to be that way always, and it sounds like you have found yourself a good girl now.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Yeah, exactly. I will admit to that, no harm there. But this time im in it for the real thing you know? No more playing around. I have something amazing and i want to keep her.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Yeah, exactly. I will admit to that, no harm there. But this time im in it for the real thing you know? No more playing around. I have something amazing and i want to keep her. Good. It will get MORE amazing when you're vulnerable with her, and she's still there. It will really deepen your love, and appreciation. It will also make you feel more secure. You will be thinking "wow, she really really knows me, and she's still here." It will just make things better, and better. It will really deepen the intimacy between you two. Don't listen to people who tell you not to show your weakness or insecurity to a woman, because it will scare her off. EVERYONE has vulnerabilities and insecurites, EVERYONE. If a woman deeply cares for you she will not only want to know all of you; it will make her love you more and help her understand YOU and how to meet your needs. You just can't deepen intimacy and strengthen bonds by trying to put on a front about your thoughts/feelings/emotions.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Alright, thanks. So i havent really been open with any girl before about this sort of thing. I thought i had it all figured out but i dont know if i do? What i was going to say to her was "hey, i need to tell you something. I have been getting these really weird feelings of insecurity latley, and i think its because of my past girlfriends and how badly they treated me". Is this recommended or would you want me to try something different? I have almost 3 days to make this perfect so i would like to take it.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Alright, thanks. So i havent really been open with any girl before about this sort of thing. I thought i had it all figured out but i dont know if i do? What i was going to say to her was "hey, i need to tell you something. I have been getting these really weird feelings of insecurity latley, and i think its because of my past girlfriends and how badly they treated me". Is this recommended or would you want me to try something different? I have almost 3 days to make this perfect so i would like to take it. I don't reccomend that. You need to be HONEST, HONESTY is the key word here. I would say something more accurate like "This isn't easy for me, but I really care about you, so I want to be open with you. I just want you to know, I think you're amazing and I care deeply for you. I'm afraid of losing you, I haven't really been open with anyone in my past, but I want to let you in. I sometimes get insecure that maybe you're with me for image- that isn't something I'm accusing you of, I just want you to know some of my insecurities. Women have been with me for that in the past, also; again I'm just plain scared of losing you, because you're wonderful and special to me!" And then she'll be really touched, and probably share some of her insecurities with you, and that alone is going to help you put some of those thoughts to bed.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 It takes much more strength to show your vulnerabilities, than to hide them. She'll have a lot of respect for you, for doing that.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Wow, that made me feel good about the situation. Thank you, i will definately try that. I have already told her about the other women in the past so i can just remind her of it i suppose. I will just do as i say and really open up with her. It will be really hard since i am not really good at it, but im hoping it will come to me as i do so.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Wow, that made me feel good about the situation. Thank you, i will definately try that. I have already told her about the other women in the past so i can just remind her of it i suppose. I will just do as i say and really open up with her. It will be really hard since i am not really good at it, but im hoping it will come to me as i do so. The first time I did it iwth my partner, was the first time i'd done that with ANYONE, I was litterally SHAKING, I kid you not. BUT, it was the BEST thing I ever did. I love that man so much.
Author vertical Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Im excited. If it means this much to you then i hope that i get the same reaction. She already means the world to me, but to have more would be insane.
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