MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I don't know if it's hormones or if it's from being around exH's family last weekend but I filed for divorce a couple months ago and in the last week I've been feeling like I need to talk to him about all the issues we never discussed when we decided to end the marriage nearly 5 years go. (separated Jan/05) Everytime I think about it I get a huge lump in my throat. I don't know if it's because I am seeing what my former MM and his W are going through, the pain she is feeling, and the anxiety he is having, is bringing back memories. MM and his W are having discussions my exH and I completely avoided. We just "ended" it and never talked about issues, ever. We've always been amicable. Then today the lawyers office called and have the papers ready for him to sign. He can just go there and sign, then in a few weeks it is done. I feel like signing a piece of paper doesn't really seem like "closure". Why do I suddenly feel like I need this closure? I told him the papers are ready, but if he wanted to talk about anything before he signed, I am open to that. I think he thought I meant talking about the content of the divorce, which really is nothing, just asking for the D. He came by to go over some paperwork for one of the kids today, and I wanted to say something, but the kids were here, but even if they weren't, as in the past, I don't even know how to begin such a conversation. I really don't want to avoid this. It's not because I want him back. I rarely make a decision to do something unless I am 100% sure it is what I want. What is up with me? Should I try to have this talk after all this time?
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 What is up with me? Should I try to have this talk after all this time? I mentioned something in a post to you years ago about how you feel differently and real moving on doesn't start to happen until the divorce is final. What you are feeling is normal and you are now starting/finishing your healing and placing what happened in your marriage and moving on. Should you talk with him ?.. that is up to you.. if you feel that things need to be said then a conversation couldn't hurt.. I had one with my exw a year after the divorce was final.. we cleared the air and it was a good thing for both of us.. Good things are in your future
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I'm sorry but you should just leave him alone... If he knows about your affair and has moved on from that, I doubt he wants closure he has already come to that point himself and is content about it. You was so emeshed with this MM and your affair did you not think about the life you just threw away? Why are you thinking about this now? is your ex dating someone, are you jealous or something?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I remember your post AC, it stuck with me, telling me how my life will change. I don't believe that the men will be lining up at my door just because I have a divorce certificate. I now believe it was me who needed to make the changes within myself for things to change. "Be love, and love will find you" I read somewhere recently. I am in a better place, even with the slip up as the OW recently, and whether or not that is completely over I am not posting on LS anymore about it. I want to tell him how I never knew how to put my emotions and needs into works, and how to ask for what I needed. I want to just say "well you know I was unfaithful" because I'm sure he knew even though I never confirmed it. And I also wanted to tell him about that original purchase I made and how I still feel that is when it all started. I think I am going to have to start writing it all down first. and then i'll probably chicken out.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I'm sorry but you should just leave him alone... If he knows about your affair and has moved on from that, I doubt he wants closure he has already come to that point himself and is content about it. You was so emeshed with this MM and your affair did you not think about the life you just threw away? Why are you thinking about this now? is your ex dating someone, are you jealous or something? Huh? I didn't throw away anything to be with the MM. My marriage ended years ago for other reasons. I also want to tell him how I was feeling all those nights when I needed affection (not just sex) and he got up to view live porn cams. I want to ask him about his porn addiction he had before we were married. There is no bitterness, no vengefulness, I am not a jealous person, and we still do alot of things together as a family with the kids. His girlfriend of 2 1/2 years moved away, and although I don't ask, I am curious as to how the LDR is going because I care about him and want him to be happy. I like her, she is a cutie, my kids like her, and I wish she didn't move so far away from him. I just wonder sometimes what he is thinking, if he's having the same thoughts I have. It is not about whether or not we made a mistake or getting back together. I know a marriage between us would not work again.
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I'll tell you that when we had our talk that we glossed over all the deep emotional stuff that would just bring up hurt feelings and instead we talked about stuff relating to moving on.. we talked about why the marriage failed and stuff like that but again it was in a finger pointing blaming way.. more of a haha.. boy we really eff'd that marriage up kinda way.. We talked like we were 2 old frineds talking about somehting we did when we were kids.. I would suggest that if you talk with him that you choose your words and make the conversation more focused on moving on and how your past has made the path to your future.. Talk with him about some of the crap you guys dealt with about raising kids.. then the rest of the conversation will just happen.. But then again... you could just not say anything and just save it for a better day too !!.. Good luck. and although guys won't in reality be lining up the quality of guys that stick around now will change.. trust me...
Woggle Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Is he moving on with his life better than you expected? Does he seem to be okay with the marriage being over and ready to move on with his life? To be quite honest many women who leave men expect them to be sitting around depressed and pining for them and when the man seems to just want to get on with his life it throws her for a loop. After 6 years he probably just wants to be officially divorced already.
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I'll tell you that when we had our talk that we glossed over all the deep emotional stuff that would just bring up hurt feelings and instead we talked about stuff relating to moving on.. we talked about why the marriage failed and stuff like that but again it was in a finger pointing blaming way.. more of a haha.. boy we really eff'd that marriage up kinda way.. That was supposed to be wasn't..
Gunny376 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 For me it was Skip Ewing's song "Sign On The Doted Line" that brought it all home for me? It wasn't the finger-pointing, the accusing, the acquisitions ~ it was the mourning of what was, could have been, and what should have been ~ the PROMISE of us that I mourned the most! We should have ~ could have been bigger than we were! But in the end we ended up small and petty! We fell short of each other, of ourselves, of our full potential of who we could have been to and for each other! How in the beginning she would have done anything for me ~ and in the end? I would have done anything for her!
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Could it be because you and your MM aren't together that you're feeling more emotional about things? Would you still feel this way about your exH if you and your MM were still happily together? It isn't fair to him for you to get closure from him. It's been 5 years, why open those wounds for him?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I get the feeling he would like to talk as well. He kept hesitating last weekend ... not sure what about. Maybe the lump in my throat was PMS but I honestly feel we need to have a conversation as our D is almost final. Woggle, we both moved on fairly quickly. I think he wants to know I am okay. He knows I've been in and out of relationships, and he has had a few as well. Gunny, in the end neither of us wanted to do anything for each other. In fact we went out of our way to NOT to anything for each other. I don't think a talk about open any wounds. We talk almost every day and the conversation isn't always limited to the kids' current events. We can laugh and joke, and talk about common interests, what's going on with friends and family, our jobs, and just catching up on the news. We always seem to go out of our way to avoid talking about what happened between us. It gets a little uncomfortable sometimes. I'm worried that if we had a conflict to do with the kids that we won't know how to handle it, and I wouldn't want that wall between us to stop us from dealing with it in a mature way. One way to make sure of that is to open up a new line of communication, getting past an old issue would prepare us for new ones. We can easily sit and have a drink together on the patio, maybe one of these times we will after a few sips we can laugh at what happened, like AC said, not pointing fingers, just saying WTF was that?
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Maybe suggest counselling, so you two can learn how to co-parent together and have respecutful boundries, still be a 'force of two' when it comes to the kids. It couldn't hurt, plus that may be an opening for you two to talk and have closure so you both can move on in a better way.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 We are both totally involved in the co-parenting and very respectful to each other. We never fight or argue, but we did avoid all kinds of conflict in the past, and the issues grew, the resentment grew, and we grew apart and separated. My parents and other people often comment on how lucky we are to be in this situation compared to other divorced/divorcing couples. I've come a long way with learning how to deal with issues and solve problems in relationships, and knowing when to move on in a bad relationship. I'm not 100% where I want to be but I am still working on things. I want to know how far he has come as well, if he has grown or if he still resents me (it doesn't show however). I'm sure if he resented me he wouldn't come shovel my driveway in winter and not only help me carry in a new piece of furniture, but stayed for 2 hrs to help assemble it. I also don't think this means he wants me back. He is just being the good person that he is. Maybe he is feeling guilt, and if he is, I want to know why he feels he has to make up for something where we were both in the wrong. I just wanna talk about deeper issues, not to have an emotional connection, just to make sure that line of communication is open should we ever need it.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I just wanna talk about deeper issues, But he may not. If he didn't before, then he may not want to now. The most important thing is the co-parenting. He may not want to talk and be your friend, to know what you're thinking and feeling about other stuff in your life or past issues with him.
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