broken hearted Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Ugh, where to start! Currently my life is straight out of a Jerry Springer episode! Update: Since my husband walked out on me on January 31st (yes, I remember the exact day), I have been alone day and night with our 2 year old son, pregnant, taking care of house, dog, bills, etc. He came home July 2nd professing that he loved me more than anything, we were going to be okay, he would never leave another day in his life, and that he needed help from a counselor to heal past hurt from things he says made him unhappy in the marriage. I found out on July 9th (yes, I remember this day as well) that my husband had been having an affair for a few of these 6 months that he was gone! The night I found this out, I told him I hated him, and that I hoped he rotted in hell! The next day I went straight down to the lawyers and filled out paperwork but wasn't ready to officially submit it. It's been almost a month since this and I truly believe that my husband needs to see a psychiatrist bc I think he's got something going on. I've got a degree in psychology, I'm not just trying to make excuses! One night, he'll call me begging for help before it's too late, he loses me and his family, begs me to go back to counseling and says he doesn't know if he can live with himself with what he's done and has thought of suicide and the next day he punches holes in walls and tells me he loves me but doesn't want to be with me anymore. He can't seem to grasp the reality of the things he's put everyone through over the last 6 months and is still blaming me for EVERYTHING! My brother committed suicide on July 25th, a shock to all because he was happier than he has ever been! I called my husband at 4 in the morning when I found out and he came over to my parent's house to be with me! He spent the entire day here with me, calling me babe and honey! After this initial day, I didn't see him again for 3 days! He decided he would be my husband again when the public part came (wake and funeral) and put on a really good portrayal of a supportive loving husband! He spent the day of the funeral at my parent's house and left that night! The very next day, he went back to his old ways of yelling and screaming at me blaming me for everything in the marriage. Tonight, he even told me that he had the affair because of things I've done in the marriage that made him unhappy! I replied, "I don't remember helping you take your f###ing pants off!" I know I should let go, I know this...but my heart can't seem to do it! My heart is holding onto the man I married and the man I have loved for so long! I know he is not him right now but I am still praying for him to come back. I really thought the death of my brother was going to wake him up and allow him to see reality! Our baby is due in just a couple weeks and again, I'm holding on and praying that the baby will be his wake up call! Why the hell can't I let go? Everytime he calls for help or says he doesn't want to lose me, I get sucked back in! Those calls are coming much less now and I am getting more calls that are angry, yelling, swearing, and blaming!
Reggie Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Sounds like he may have a personality disorder or is Bi-polar. That is some really bizzare behavior. Could he be on drugs?
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Change your number. If he wants to get hold of you, I am sure he will find you. There is something else going. Could it be drugs, alcohol? Has he had issues with depression or mood swings before? I think you need to put you and your children first. You need to take care of yourself for your children and your won sanity. He isn't the man your remember. God bless you and your babies.
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Hey Reg, I post crossed, but I can see we are thinking the same thing.
Author broken hearted Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I wholeheartedly believe something more is going on! I believe he is either depressed or is bipolar. These illnesses follow a family history and he has both of them in his family! I have expressed my concern to him about this and one day he tells me he knows he needs help, wants help, and begs me to help him before he loses me and his family and the next day he swears, yells, and tells me he doesn't have a problem or need help and it is just me playing with his head and manipulating him! I absolutely do not believe there are drugs involved but he is drinking a lot and has been drinking A LOT over the last couple of months! I am assuming it is to help him deal with what he's done! He had been drinking on the way home from work everyday for months but says he doesn't do that everyday anymore.
Reggie Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Yeah, sounds like he is self medicating the pain of his disease. You have a good heart to be able to see he is messed up vs just an a-hole. Can his family intervene?
Author broken hearted Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I have tried emailing his mother about my concerns and she blows it off! It infuriates me because with the recent suicide of my brother, this is all too close for me right now and I cannot bare to lose my husband as a result of depression or something else. His mother basically ignored my email! I spoke with her a couple months back and her exact words to me were, "I don't know who my son is anymore or which person I am going to get from day to day". The day after I found out about the affair, he called me talking suicide and I called his mother because he wouldn't speak to me! She called me later that night and told me she had just talked him out of suicide. She had a brother that committed suicide about 15 years ago and it infuriates me that she can't see the same red flags in her son right now! She either can't see or is ignoring these mood changes and cries for help.
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Yeah, sounds like he is self medicating the pain of his disease. You have a good heart to be able to see he is messed up vs just an a-hole. Can his family intervene? I am aware of the self medicating with alcohol. Reg is right, can the his family help?
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I am sorry about your brother. My thoughts are with you.. Rely on your own family and friends, not your sleazy-azzed liar/cheater/a-hole of a husband of yours. He has no remorse for his selfish and cruel actions and it seems he's playing a very cruel game with you. DON'T play. Don't let yourself get sucked in. For your own sanity and health of your pregnancy, cut him out of your life. Sooner or later your heart will catch up to reality. HIS LOSS, not yours. One day you'll see and believe this! Stay strong. I know right now you feel alone and scared, but for the sake of your kid(s), life will be easier and heathier for ALL of you to get him out of your life.
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I just copied and pasted this from your other thread.. Reading your update now - Honestly, if he is BP or having some sort of breakdown, he needs to be in the hospital so he can be assessed. He is going to hurt someone badly one day, let alone possibly hurt himself. Driving when drunk or doing drugs is going to land him in jail..
Author broken hearted Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I believe he does need to be assessed but how do I get him to realize that if I am the only one who is willing to say something to him? He doesn't want to hear it from me, he is blaming me for everything...I am not the person who can get through to him. I have tried contacting his mother and his cousins who have been through depression and anxiety disorders themselves! His one cousin who needed to have the whole psychiatric eval herself and ended up on medication said she would call him and speak to him about it all but I don't know if she ever did. WHAT DO I DO!? I am genuinely concerned!
bentnotbroken Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I believe he does need to be assessed but how do I get him to realize that if I am the only one who is willing to say something to him? He doesn't want to hear it from me, he is blaming me for everything...I am not the person who can get through to him. I have tried contacting his mother and his cousins who have been through depression and anxiety disorders themselves! His one cousin who needed to have the whole psychiatric eval herself and ended up on medication said she would call him and speak to him about it all but I don't know if she ever did. WHAT DO I DO!? I am genuinely concerned! Call the family one more time. Then you might have to back off until you are stronger. I hate to keep saying this, but you need to take care of yourself. This stress and upset isn't good for you.
Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Yikes! This sounds like a potentially dangerous situation. It seems that he may be on a path of self destruction. He is reaching out to you...but in a very hurtful and abusive way. I don't think that you alone can help him. Tell him that you care about him and that you really feel that he should get some professional help. Just remember...you can only do so much. You have a little one and another on the way to worry about...hopefully for their sake their father will get the help he needs to be healthy. As for continuing a relationship I would put that on hold until you have a healthy partner. Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with positive, empathic, and supportive people. Sorry for your loss...I've never lost a sibling...it must be devastating.
Impudent Oyster Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Ugh, where to start! Currently my life is straight out of a Jerry Springer episode! Update: Since my husband walked out on me on January 31st (yes, I remember the exact day), I have been alone day and night with our 2 year old son, pregnant, taking care of house, dog, bills, etc. He came home July 2nd professing that he loved me more than anything, we were going to be okay, he would never leave another day in his life, and that he needed help from a counselor to heal past hurt from things he says made him unhappy in the marriage. I found out on July 9th (yes, I remember this day as well) that my husband had been having an affair for a few of these 6 months that he was gone! The night I found this out, I told him I hated him, and that I hoped he rotted in hell! The next day I went straight down to the lawyers and filled out paperwork but wasn't ready to officially submit it. It's been almost a month since this and I truly believe that my husband needs to see a psychiatrist bc I think he's got something going on. I've got a degree in psychology, I'm not just trying to make excuses! One night, he'll call me begging for help before it's too late, he loses me and his family, begs me to go back to counseling and says he doesn't know if he can live with himself with what he's done and has thought of suicide and the next day he punches holes in walls and tells me he loves me but doesn't want to be with me anymore. He can't seem to grasp the reality of the things he's put everyone through over the last 6 months and is still blaming me for EVERYTHING! My brother committed suicide on July 25th, a shock to all because he was happier than he has ever been! I called my husband at 4 in the morning when I found out and he came over to my parent's house to be with me! He spent the entire day here with me, calling me babe and honey! After this initial day, I didn't see him again for 3 days! He decided he would be my husband again when the public part came (wake and funeral) and put on a really good portrayal of a supportive loving husband! He spent the day of the funeral at my parent's house and left that night! The very next day, he went back to his old ways of yelling and screaming at me blaming me for everything in the marriage. Tonight, he even told me that he had the affair because of things I've done in the marriage that made him unhappy! I replied, "I don't remember helping you take your f###ing pants off!" I know I should let go, I know this...but my heart can't seem to do it! My heart is holding onto the man I married and the man I have loved for so long! I know he is not him right now but I am still praying for him to come back. I really thought the death of my brother was going to wake him up and allow him to see reality! Our baby is due in just a couple weeks and again, I'm holding on and praying that the baby will be his wake up call! Why the hell can't I let go? Everytime he calls for help or says he doesn't want to lose me, I get sucked back in! Those calls are coming much less now and I am getting more calls that are angry, yelling, swearing, and blaming! Oh honey, first of all I'm sorry that your husband has lost his mind. Let's hope it's temporary. DO NOT listen to his tirades. When he begins yelling, calmly tell him that you refuse to be yelled at and will not speak to him until he's ready to discuss things like an adult, then say good bye and hang up. None of this is your fault, even if you weren't getting along, that's no excuse for him to cheat. You're about to give birth, please please please make that your only focus. He screwed up BIG TIME. A lot of expectant fathers freak out from the pressure and reality that they have a huge responsibility of a child, did you know it's one of the most common triggers for having an affair, believe it or not? When their wife is pregnant? He needs help, tell him to get counseling, tell him you'll even make the appointment but he has no right to berate or upset you when you're about to give birth to his child. Have you spoken to your OB about this? I think you should, you need support, maybe your doctor can speak to your idiot husband (sorry, but that's what he is right now) and tell him to grow up or stay away, his behavior is toxic to you and the baby. Good luck and keep posting, and please confide in a close relative or friend, you need help.
Author broken hearted Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 My husband has been going to an individual counselor for at least 3 months now every week! Throughout the course of the time he's seen the counselor, he has progressively gotten more and more angry, more and more volatile, and more and more hurtful towards me! After I expressed my concerns to my husband that I was worried about him and thought he needed some help, he said he asked his counselor about it and his counselor doesn't feel he needs help. I'm so lost, I was with this man for 11 years, I know who he is and what type of man he is. I know what that he is an amazing father and an amazing lover, friend, and husband! This person he is now is the polar opposite in every way possible! He is only thinking of himself! He did mention to me a couple weeks ago that when he found out I was pregnant with our second child (not an accident, his idea to try for another and it took a couple months to conceive) that he freaked out and was extremely overwhelmed and stressed about another child to take care of in this economy. He is only 28 so I did understand that it could be a little overwhelming. He said this is why he ran to his parents house where he could have less responsibility and could be the "child" again. This same night, he told me he wanted help and asked me not to turn my back on him bc he didn't want to lose me or his family! Two days after he told me this, he told me he didn't know why he said it because he didn't need help and was just searching for answers of why he did what he did! I think my husband knows that the person he is right now is not the person he really is or the person he wants to be but is so lost and ashamed at what he's done that he doesn't know how to get himself back. He has said several times to me, "what if I am sick, what if I do need help, what will I do". I think he is terrified that there is a stigma attached to getting psychological help!
PhoenixRise Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 BH I think you are going to have to take a deep breath and as hard as it is, accept the fact that the man you are dealing with now is not the same man you married. But it is WHO he is right now. You can't change it. You can't fix it. Only he can do that and only if he wants to. There might be many factors contributing to his erratic behavior; drug abuse, alchohol abuse, emotional issues, an ongoing affair, etc. I know you love him and have loved him for a long time but you need to focus your energy and attention on things that you can control. You have a child and a baby on the way. Don't let your H yell at you or berate you. Tell him to speak calmly or not at all. If he continues to yell, walk away or hang up the phone. Don't let your H punch holes in your walls. Tell him to behave like an adult or you will call the police to have him removed. And if he doesn't stop, follow through. This is not behavior that your child should be witnessing. I think your husband may have some real issues to work through but he may also be using his issues to control you and to keep all attention focused on himself. Take care of yourself and take care of your children.
hopesndreams Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 There is nothing more you can do to "save" your H. Let's break it down. He left after finding out you were pregnant with 2nd child, even though, it was a planned pregnancy. He went to go live with his mum so she could take care of him, so at this point in time, his mum knows him better than anyone else, including you. He has been carrying on with another woman that frequents his workplace and has admitted to it and has not told you he no longer sees this woman, but for months and months he has been lying to you and filling your head with bs so there is no way you could believe what comes out of his mouth. He treats you horribly and doesn't have any concern of the stress you are under. He is only looking out for number 1. Sometimes he treats you semi-nicely and at other times treats you like garbage. He hasn't admitted to any of his faults and threatens suicide for attention. Could this H of yours have a mental illness or could he have turned into just the biggest ahole on earth? If he doesn't check ito a hospital, it could be because he knows there is nothing wrong with him? He shirks the responsibilities of his family and reverts to being a teenage dumba** and he has you and everyone else so concerned for his well-being. So, all the sh*t he has put you through can be written off as him being mentally disturbed? He gets away with it? Yeah, he's troubled no doubt, but if you carry on being consumed with this man at the expense of yourself and your kids, you will be the one to end up mentally deranged. He is not worth it, Broken. No man is. He's at his mums, let her deal with him, you have far more important things to deal with.
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