Chemistry, how important is it?

[Hkizzle]

A lot of people, especially women use the terms chemistry /sparks /connection.

 

People generally feel chemistry though because they've fallen for someone that creates perceived high value in their minds. The thing is the way in which we judge value is from our evolutionary past and highly unrealiable to achieving happiness.

 

For example, a high value man is generally a man that's confident and fun to be with, but that has very little correlation to whether he is going to be a good partner or not. A high value female is a woman that's generally physically attractive and seen as hard to get, again traits that have almost zero correlation to whether she will be a good partner.

 

How do you view chemistry, and when you think about it how does it positively or negatively impact your love life?

[MSUE]

chemistry to me is the ability to have a deep conversation, laughing at the same things, similar sense of humor, similar or equal beliefs and values in life...things that I say OMG me too...that connection that attraction both personality and physicallywise

[Hkizzle]

chemistry to me is the ability to have a deep conversation, laughing at the same things, similar sense of humor, similar or equal beliefs and values in life...things that I say OMG me too...that connection that attraction both personality and physicallywise

 

You know that some men are very good at creating chemistry? They find out what you like in the conversation itself and then model themselves based on the information they have gained.

[leap83]

I actually never knew the definition of chemistry until I met a man who was completely in sync with my personality. Then it hit me. Chemistry, to me, is on a deeper level, not superficial. You feel the connection through all 3 levels: emotional, physical, and mind without actually knowing too much about the other person.

 

Let me give an example. It'll help explain what I mean. Let's say you were at a restaurant with your mate and you were ordering in 2 different lines which were far apart. After ordering your food, you realize that they have ordered the exact same thing (no difference with your food). Your eyes were the whole time on your mate. The lines were far apart.

 

Or.... you come on a date, and you're wearing the same coloured shirt, same coloured flip flops and jeans. It's weird... I know. But it happened to me on more than one occasion and it wasn't like we planned it. Haha...

 

So again... we don't have to say much to each other because we already know sort of what we're thinking/feeling. That's at least chemistry for me.

 

Do I believe it is necessary? Yes. I have dated a guy with whom I had no chemistry whatsoever and that didn't go well. I'm not saying that with chemistry there aren't bad relationships... all I'm saying is that at a fundamental level, it is better to have chemistry than not have it.

[Thornton]

I often have chemistry with the most unsuitable guys

 

The guy who cheated on me and dumped me, I had chemistry with him. The guy who asked me to marry him? Nope, not a bit of chemistry at all. Perhaps it's simply that I tend to feel attracted to the alpha male, the confident charismatic and handsome guy who is most likely to treat me badly and cheat. The quiet, less attractive guy who would actually make a loyal partner - I don't feel that raw attraction for him. I can only assume it's instinctual for women to go for the alpha male so they will be well protected and produce strong healthy children; society has changed but our instinctual drives haven't.

[Hkizzle]

I often have chemistry with the most unsuitable guys

 

The guy who cheated on me and dumped me, I had chemistry with him. The guy who asked me to marry him? Nope, not a bit of chemistry at all. Perhaps it's simply that I tend to feel attracted to the alpha male, the confident charismatic and handsome guy who is most likely to treat me badly and cheat. The quiet, less attractive guy who would actually make a loyal partner - I don't feel that raw attraction for him. I can only assume it's instinctual for women to go for the alpha male so they will be well protected and produce strong healthy children; society has changed but our instinctual drives haven't.

 

Yes that's completely true, not many people realize this though.

 

I also find it interesting that way more women than men put the importance on chemistry. Without realizing it, chemistry is just the feeling a woman gets when she finds a high valued male, but whether that then brings happiness or not is independent.

[fabulousgal]

Yes that's completely true, not many people realize this though.

 

I also find it interesting that way more women than men put the importance on chemistry. Without realizing it, chemistry is just the feeling a woman gets when she finds a high valued male, but whether that then brings happiness or not is independent.

 

I agree with what you said, but I need both. The "chemistry" gets me in the game and then I want to see if he is a good match beyond the spark.

 

Sometimes I think I am passing up really good guys because of this. Everytime I've tried to see if anything develops, I just get annoyed.

 

This probably explains why I am still single

[Thornton]

It depends how you define a "high valued male". Logically I would tell you that a "high valued male" is someone who will take care of me and support me, someone who genuinely loves me and wants to make me happy, someone who I have things in common with and who I can trust and rely on. However, instinctually I would probably define a "high valued male" as one who's tall and muscular and able to fight off a bear, who's big and strong and would therefore produce big strong children, whose pheromones smell right because they complement mine, the charismatic and confident alpha male.

 

This is borne out by my experience - the 6ft tall muscle man with the alpha male attitude got me all hot under the collar, as did another guy with the same attitude, while the 5ft6 quiet guy who adored me and wanted to marry me did nothing for me at all, and neither did the skinny guy who was my closest friend but who didn't push the right buttons in a physical sense.

 

I certainly think that an emotional connection plays a part in chemistry, but I also know that without that unpredictable physical connection the emotional connection is worthless. An emotional connection means someone is a friend, and a physical connection means that someone is a lover... without that physical chemistry all you have is a friendship.

[MSUE]

to me that "chemistry" is crucial i need it I crave it and I love it and its a part of what keeps my R fresh

[Thornton]

I see loads of posts on here from people who dated someone because they had an emotional connection, but eventually they become resentful because the physical connection is lacking, and it ends up with all these posts saying "I love him but I'm not IN LOVE with him", "My wife doesn't want sex any more", etc. Physical chemistry is the only thing that makes a difference between a friendship and a relationship; if you haven't got physical chemistry with someone then all you should have at most is a friendship.

[Hkizzle]

It depends how you define a "high valued male". Logically I would tell you that a "high valued male" is someone who will take care of me and support me, someone who genuinely loves me and wants to make me happy, someone who I have things in common with and who I can trust and rely on. However, instinctually I would probably define a "high valued male" as one who's tall and muscular and able to fight off a bear, who's big and strong and would therefore produce big strong children, whose pheromones smell right because they complement mine, the charismatic and confident alpha male.

 

A high valued individual is always someone that your mind finds instinctively attractive. Otherwise there wouldn't be a conflict between what people say they want and what they end up with.

 

Many people will friend zone those people they find nice but not attracted to.

 

In other words, if I was to increase my success rate to attracting the opposite sex, I don't bother focusing on being nice, I would focus on learning how to appeal to the instinctive side.

[dreamergrl]

I often have chemistry with the most unsuitable guys

 

The guy who cheated on me and dumped me, I had chemistry with him. The guy who asked me to marry him? Nope, not a bit of chemistry at all. Perhaps it's simply that I tend to feel attracted to the alpha male, the confident charismatic and handsome guy who is most likely to treat me badly and cheat. The quiet, less attractive guy who would actually make a loyal partner - I don't feel that raw attraction for him. I can only assume it's instinctual for women to go for the alpha male so they will be well protected and produce strong healthy children; society has changed but our instinctual drives haven't.

 

I've had this problem in the past.

 

But still chemistry is very important. How can you develop an intimate relationship with someone you don't have that spark with?

[Hkizzle]

I've had this problem in the past.

 

But still chemistry is very important. How can you develop an intimate relationship with someone you don't have that spark with?

 

People used to get married all the time without that spark. Many people in many countries also get married without that spark.

 

The way we qualify our mates now is ironically more primal and caveman like that say 50 years ago.

[Thornton]

Yep... arranged marriages usually make common sense in terms of merging two families, sometimes in terms of business prospects or whatever... the couple have a lot of things to keep them together, things that aren't as fickle as "chemistry". Relationships based on chemistry are mostly reliant on that chemistry continuing - if the chemistry goes away then the relationship is over, because the couple usually have nothing else keeping them together. Perhaps relying on an animal attraction for choosing a life partner isn't the best idea... seems that people used to be aware of that but have lost that awareness in recent years... nowadays it's all about romance...

[dreamergrl]

I would never get married unless there was that spark. How could one imagine living the rest of their life with someone they can't feel special being with?

[Hkizzle]

I would never get married unless there was that spark. How could one imagine living the rest of their life with someone they can't feel special being with?

 

Thing is and this is what I'm getting at.

 

That's spark because it's biologically enhanced goes away after a few months to a few years in the vast majority of relationships.

 

It's not meant to be for the rest of their life. But

[pandagirl]

Chemistry is very important to me, but for me, it is define not by the physical, but more mental. It's being able to carry on an effortless conversation with laughter; it's being comfortable in the silence; it's a vibe that is natural and feels good.

 

Of course, there is a physical component, too, but the more the mental and emotional chemistry there is, the attraction grows and grows for me.

 

This is what I find frustrating about relationships for me. If there is a decent amount of chemistry (doesn't have to be off-the-charts), I am willing to see what develops and grows, because I know it takes time for me to really nurture a relationship. However, most people I date don't have this same outlook as me and I'm often left in the dust with the common words of, "you're not the one" after one or two months.

 

For me, I simply don't know if someone is The One for me after that amount of time. Of course, if there was zero chemistry, I wouldn't bother, but if there is enough, I like to see what could develop.

[lucy9216]

Chemistry is reallly ones own perception of it. One person may find similiarities with another individual and see that as a connection, but another person may find someone that is an opposite of their own personality but still find chemistry with eachother because they have ideas and beleifs to debate about and some people like this.

 

I really don't think one could describe exactly chemistry, connection, etc. One can call it whatever they want, but in actuality it is just compatibility and thinking to yourself "is this person, someone I could enjoy spending my life with?"

[Trialbyfire]

My definition of chemistry is, when all three cylinders are firing, where there's intellectual, emotional and physical connection. Without all three, there is no chemistry, thus no relationship.

[torranceshipman]

There is some scientific literature on this that I remember reading a while ago: apparently our brain chemistry responds very positively to someone who has a different but strong (i.e. complimentary) immune system from our own, meaning that we'd maximize our chances of having very strong & healthy offspring with that person if we mated.

 

These chemical/hormonal etc signals can be given off via pheromones, etc, and gives subconscious signals to both parties, and that is when you can feel that amazing, unexplainable feeling when you meet someone - a 'spark'...then of course there are all the other biological characteristics: for a man, a deep voice, mature characteristics, height and symmetrical features are apparently indicative of higher levels of attractiveness to many women, likely because they are also primeval indicators (in the 'alpha male' mould) of the guy who can give you the most healthy offspring. All of these things can signal amazing chemistry, because that is what it really is - brain chemistry telling you something clearly about your complimentary physical make up, and saying 'get together, you'd have really healthy kids'!!!.

 

Of course this type of chemical attraction is unrelated to whether the man has the capacity to be reliable and stick around - all chemistry in this context tells you is what is good for immediate procreation!-not what is good afterwards. Maybe some women get this physical feeling so strong sometimes that it leads to them ending up with the unreliable alpha male as they get such a strong attraction to them...of course we all need both things....

[Hkizzle]

Yup someone who's immune system is very different will be more attractive than someone with a very similar immune system.

 

Generally you can't but sometimes you can literally smell it.

 

I don't know why but I've sometimes been around women that gave me an awful smell and feeling.

[N.Colony]

My definition of chemistry is, when all three cylinders are firing, where there's intellectual, emotional and physical connection. Without all three, there is no chemistry, thus no relationship.

 

But the question is, how long will this chemistry last?

[Trialbyfire]

But the question is, how long will this chemistry last?

It will last as long as the two of you are willing to fuel it.

 

There are no safe harbours in life and requires two-way effort. It also requires a lot of unselfish acts, which is why it's a good thing the overly-selfish ones get left out of the gene pool...

[dreamergrl]

It will last as long as the two of you are willing to fuel it.

 

There are no safe harbours in life and requires two-way effort. It also requires a lot of unselfish acts, which is why it's a good thing the overly-selfish ones get left out of the gene pool...

 

Exactly. Like any relationship wont last or wont work if both people aren't will to do their parts.

[Hkizzle]

A relationship can work based on effort. But I would like to know how effort maintains chemistry when chemistry is proven to fade after roughly two years?