ladydesigner Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Sadly I am posting again with what I know I should be doing. My affair ended 1 year ago and I still keep in contact with OM as a friend. I truly thought I could do this as we were friends before, but I realize I can't. I know it is not fair to my husband and I need to do this and no my husband does not know about the affair. I do not have plans on telling him. Now why if the OM ended things with me (which in hindsight I am very happy about because deep down inside I know things never would have worked with him) would he still need to contact me. Is this an ego boost for him, does he really see me as a friend. He contacts me only via email, but why waste his time. I just don't understand. I really want to just go NC. Do I send a NC letter or just never respond?
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 The fact that you have maintained contact is one reason WS are encouraged to tell the BS. It makes it harder for the EA, which you are having, to continue and thrive. You have chosen not to be completely honest, so any advice you are given probably won't have too much of an affect on your actions. May I ask why you haven't told your H? Doesn't he have the right to chose what direction he wants his life to go in?
Author ladydesigner Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 The fact that you have maintained contact is one reason WS are encouraged to tell the BS. It makes it harder for the EA, which you are having, to continue and thrive. I really do understand this and wish I had the strength to do this. My husband had an affair before I started mine although it was not what fueled mine. I believe mine began out of my own vulnerability and it was WRONG. My therapist suggests not bringing the affair into the open and doesn't see how that would help me move on or our marriage better. i don't know...I guess it's what many have said on this forum "you reap what you sow." I just don't understand why the OM would still want to contact me if he is the one who ended things? I know it doesn't really matter. I know what I need to do.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Even though the A is over, keeping intouch as friends still feeds the feelings. You owe your husband the truth - You know about his A, respectfully, you need to tell him so he can decide to work on the marriage with you, or end it. To take away his power and him not having a say isn't really fair.. The OM is only thinking of himself. He probably is confused and not sure what he wants, and is too weak to end it completely, so hanging on, saying it's a friendship, is just feeding his feelings as well as yours. Send him a note telling him it would be best if all contacted ended. You don't need to explain yourself either, just tell him you don't want to continue this way. Then, block him and if tries to contact you in other ways, ignore him. Focus on fixing your marriage.
eyeswide Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I know you haven't sent a letter, but have you told your xOM that you don't want to have further contact yet at all? Have you previously replied to all/most of his attempts to contact you and now you are starting/trying to ignore them? I think this makes a difference... I finally wrote the OM a NC letter, even though we hadn't had any contact in over 4 months and what contact we did have was him asking me for a favor which, even though it didn't involve my seeing him, I said I couldn't help him with. Sending the NC letter seemed like kind of a weird thing to do at the time since he'd not tried to have contact in a while, but it was in response to my H's request that I do it because I had asked him to write one to his OW. I was terrified I would just stir the pot and make him surface more than he had in a long time and thereby create a new problem for me and my H -- but it didn't, at least not for another 3 months. Then I got a stupid Facebook friend request from him the other day. I'm ignoring it, but now I'm not too worried about it. Maybe he was just testing me. However, if I had started ignoring everything without sending the NC letter then he might have tried again. And again. And he might have showed up at the door wondering if I was okay. THAT would be a nightmare. But I really don't think at this point I should do ANYTHING to acknowledge him in my life. I'd say send the letter if you haven't done anything like it and if he's used to you being semi-responsive. Otherwise, if you have been clear already, just let it lie...
Author ladydesigner Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Thank you for such wonderful responses. LS has been such a help to me. Whichwayisup I believe you are right in what you say about exposing the affair as other have said and I appreciate this advice. I am working on my marriage and my marriage is getting better. Part of me wants to say something but part of me doesn't for obvious reasons. Eyeswide thank you. Your words are priceless to me and I know I need to write this letter even after all this time and yes I have previously replied to his emails. I just got one today
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Dont you want the absolute truth in your marriage, why can you not even the playing field to know who you both are in your marriage? I would want to know. Your husband would probably forgive you for the affair, but not for the lies behind it.
Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Lady...trust me...you must maintain NC if you really want to heal. I know how hard it is...trust me. However, you are only keeping things alive by even being a friend. These little emails her throws out occasionally are called pinging. When he feels empty and alone he sends out his signal to see if you are still there. You probably have done it too. I know I have sent my xOW an email only to wish the second after it's sent that I could take it back. I agree that you should keep an NC email short and sweet. Just make sure it's clear that you are done with all contact, forever, then block his email or get a new email. I know it will hurt, but you will never get over him if you don't do this. If you feel the urge to contact him come here and post instead...it has helped me. It has even helped to get "tough love" from other people that have lived through similar situations...they keep my head on straight. Good luck...if anything I'll always comment on your posts...we are in the same boat in this one. My W does not know either...and I am struggling with telling her or not.
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Whichwayisup I believe you are right in what you say about exposing the affair as other have said and I appreciate this advice. I am working on my marriage and my marriage is getting better. Part of me wants to say something but part of me doesn't for obvious reasons. The thing is, it'll be much worse later if he finds out on his own. You forgave him and worked through it..Give him the same chance. And, do marriage counselling.
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