br0kinhart Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Sorry LS I'm becoming psychotic! lol! Honestly, I will post a "thats it im done with it" post then the next day "maybe theres a chance" then the next day "im done" and on and on in this vindictive circle. So my last post was a "im done with her" post and now I'm back to square one! So as you can imagine my ex and I are still contacting each other despite my attempts at NC. As soon as I see her reaching out a little, I begin to fall into the same mode of wanting her back and doing anything to get her back... What is wrong with human nature? We are a screwed up species! lol! OR maybe its me!?! im a sucker! One thing I'm beginning to realize when hanging with her is that she's falling into a lifestyle and mindset, that I was literally scared of falling into myself when she left me. I speak with her now and she constantly makes me think that she really dont care about ANYTHING anymore, and is stuck in a "I dont give a ****! attitude". I DESPISE that, and its a huge turn off to me! Especially when Im out there trying to IMPROVE my life and myself in every possible way. She's going out partying HARD every weekend, she tells me she's blowing money away recklessly and she's not saving and falling into debt. All this screams in my head is that, "SHES NOT TAKING CARE OF HERSELF! HOW CAN SHE EVER CARE FOR ANOTHER?" yet I still stand here like a tool! Whats also bothering me at the moment is the fact that I have to make an effort to NOT LOVE HER? What is that? What does that even mean? Im in a position where she shows love and affection then reinforces the opposite fact that she's "not ready" to get into a relationship. It just seems so unatural to me to "hide" my feelings for her, from her and myself... Is that what we are supposed to do to get over this? I wish there was an answer to all of this. Im just sick of thinking should i call her? should i text her? does she really still love me? is she lying to me? who, what, when, where, why! I cant take it anymore! My only rationale of her current position in life is as follows... She has been in 3 consecutive long term relationships since she was 21, me being the last obviously. She is now 29 years old and newly single... She's never got to experience the single life before because she is a loyal trustworthy person and always respected her relationship. I think she's partying like she's 18 again and it seems like she loves it a little too much. It kills me to think that she is a completely different person and her mindframe is becoming worse and worse. And this may just be the way I'm interpreting things with a biased opinion. I hate loving her.
Taucher Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Haha! Sorry for laughing, but you have summed up something I was feeling the other day. On Tuesday, I suddenly thought..."I'm over her...I'M REALLY OVER HER". Like some cheesy film. I wanted to sing it out my window and dance and meet a girl ASAP. The next day, all I could think was "Taucher, what WERE you thinking yesterday?" and I was SO miserable and just missed her, just like before. I totally feel what you are going through. When I felt like this though, I did stop myself posting on here because I thought that I might change my mind. I was right. However, be greatful that you think these positive things at all. 2 months ago, I thought I would NEVER feel like that ever again. It just seems so unatural to me to "hide" my feelings for her, from her and myself... Is that what we are supposed to do to get over this? I wish there was an answer to all of this. Im just sick of thinking should i call her? should i text her? does she really still love me? is she lying to me? who, what, when, where, why! I cant take it anymore! I think what you are MEANT to do is to go NC, then your feelings fade, so you dont have to hide them anymore. I dont think you CAN hide them. I met my GF once since she left me, in a bar. And not holding her hand and touching her felt so weird that if I cant do it, I would rather go NC. T
DustySaltus Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 After all the nasty things my ex did to me at the end of and after our broken engagement most people would say that I dodged a bullet. I went from being the love of her life to someone that she was thankful she was with because "it showed her exactly the type of man she didn't want to marry". Mind you, she was checking my private emails and phone for weeks, when everything was just fine. I may have done a few things to warrant an argument, maybe not even an argument but nothing work breaking an engagement over. Just like that she kicked me out of the apartment and it was over. On my 5000 mile plane ride back to America, I thought that it was a blessing in disguise. I could go back to my job and resume the good life I had over here. But the truth is that my life over here is what lead me to want to reconnect with her over there. Not only did we reconnect and have a great life together, we built something out of nothing and were engaged. It's like a giant sandcastle, you spend all day building it but then at some point in the day a huge wave comes and the castle totally diappears. It's only then when you say, "maybe I should've built it a little further back, a little stronger, a little higher.." And then you look where it used to be an there is nothing there. You tell everyone on the beach, "there was a great sandcastle here" but its gone and people on the beach look at you like you are crazy. Your friends try and convince you that it's gone but you refuse to accept it and try to build another one. You start building what you thought you had but another wave just makes it disappear, and you keep doing it over and over and over again. Then you begin to hate the sandcastle but you say to yourself, "tomorrow will be different" but it won't because the waves won't stop coming in. I know its a weird example but its all I can think of in my situation. One day eveything was there, the next day it was gone. I want to try and send emails and call her in hopes that it will change things. But you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. Time heals all wounds, but over that time it still hurts like hell.
Leveller Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Not weird at all, a great analogy. Sorry LS I'm becoming psychotic! lol! Honestly, I will post a "thats it im done with it" post then the next day "maybe theres a chance" then the next day "im done" and on and on in this vindictive circle. So my last post was a "im done with her" post and now I'm back to square one! I agree too with this. I'm at the point now that for my own physical and mental health I have to squash any idea of a fresh chance. I can't go on like this (doesn't mean I've got any thoughts about doing something stupid) but I just can't go on like this. The price is too high. I see her regularly though which doesn't help and will no doubt see her with her present bf soon (they've been seeing one another since before we split - and one of the reasons).
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