sandy12345678993 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I have a 3 year old son. His father has only ever seen him once when he was 2 months old. I haven't heard from him in over a year. He lives in Missouri the last I had heard. I have filed for child support, but nothing has happened. He doesn't keep jobs or phones or even a place to live for very long. How do I tell my child that his father isn't going to come around, that essentially he doesn't have one? Lately, he's been talking about "Daddy". I've kind of brushed it off for now because I don't know the best way to tell him. He has a grandpa and uncles for male influences in his life. I just don't know what to say to him that won't scar him. Advice?
whimsical_memory Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 As kindly as possible. Telling a child that their other parent wants nothing to do with them is the hardest thing in the world. I can tell you that I know how you feel and that I am sorry you and your child are going through this. Right now, there is nothing you can say to your child that will not confuse them, so when your son begins speaking about Daddy, divert his attention -which should not be hard considering how young he is. When you feel he has reached an age that he can grasp the concept, simply explain to him that Daddy had to go away, but that you are here for him and you love him very, very much. Remind him of how many others in his life love him. As he gets older, you can explain in more detail about the situation.
sally4sara Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 My mother never explained anything to me. It was just how thing were and I didn't think much of it till I was some years older. I think you should wonder more as to why your child if asking. Like I said, I never thought anything weird about it because having no father around was normal to me. My mom remarried when I was near age seven. However, when I was 6 a neighbor kid told me "my father said you're a bastard" and I had a reason to ask. My mom told me I wasn't a bastard, she had married my father, but he had to go away and didn't return.
Author sandy12345678993 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I think he's probably asking because he's around my brothers and sisters a lot and they say "Dad" to my father a lot. Maybe some of it comes from TV. I try and stay away from books that have a Dad in them just to avoid the subject. Telling him his dad had to go away is good. I hadn't really thought about that. My idea was telling him that some people have mommies and daddies to love them, and some people have just mommies and grandpas and grandmas and aunts and uncles to love them.
sally4sara Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I think he's probably asking because he's around my brothers and sisters a lot and they say "Dad" to my father a lot. Maybe some of it comes from TV. I try and stay away from books that have a Dad in them just to avoid the subject. Telling him his dad had to go away is good. I hadn't really thought about that. My idea was telling him that some people have mommies and daddies to love them, and some people have just mommies and grandpas and grandmas and aunts and uncles to love them. Don't avoid depictions of fathers as he will need to identify men as having a positive role in a families for his own development and adult future. If he asks where his dad is, you just tell him he had to go somewhere and wasn't able to return. He is too young to take this very personal and as he trusts you - it will satisfy him enough for a few years. You're idea of telling him that families come made up of many different members and not everyone has every type of family member is a good one too.
Author sandy12345678993 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 That's good advice. Thank you, sally4sara.
tinktronik Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I have a friend who's mother raised him without a father. She always told him that his father loved him but just was unable to be there with them and had to go away. He grew up completely without a father but was did not have the stigma attached to his father not loving him even though he was not there. I think my friend is much more well adjusted because of this.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I agree, your son is way too young to understand. If he asks where his dad is, you just tell him he had to go somewhere and wasn't able to return Later in life when he's older, then have that talk. No point in putting down the dad and saying daddy left us..All that will do is make your child hurt and more confused.
mammax3 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 It's ok to normalize the situation, and chat about different family compositions now so that there's no "Talk" when he's older which makes it feel like there is something wrong with not having the father around. Likely it sounds best that the dad is not in the picture. "Some mommies and daddies live together, sometimes it's just the mommy and the kids, sometimes it's just the daddy (and, if it fits your community, you can mention two mommies, two daddies etc). Families are made up in lots of different ways" And maybe you can go on to explain that sometimes, for grown up reasons, it's better that the mommy and the daddy don't live together. I've read it's important to stress that it has nothing to do with the child, just the grown ups.
bentnotbroken Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 With her type of thinking, standards, and behavior are the reasons why there are so many kids in this country growing up in single parent homes or dysfunctional families where step-parents, mama's boyfriends, etc. are the norm instead of an exception. But, I guess some of you don't see anything wrong with that. Ohhh it wouldn't have anything to do with responsibility of d*ic*kless wonders would it? Dysfunctional comes in all shapes, forms and families. Even the Ward Cleaver prototype. Get real.
onthebrinkofitall Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I'm in the same boat, except my son is only 19 months old. He says "daddy" a lot lately but I have 2 older children who do have contact with their father. He will point to any man at the grocery store and say "daddy". It's a hard thing to go through. I've often wondered what it will be like as he gets older. My son's father has never seen him at all. He left me when I told him I was pregnant. I still have pictures of him and my son sees these pictures and I tell him his daddy's name. I have no secrets with my children, it will only make it harder to explain later in life. I just tell my son [and my 2 older children] that his daddy lives far, far away and change the subject. I think as your son gets older, you'll be able to get more in depth with the explanation but for now, just quickly address it, being as honest as possible, without bashing dad. Your son will learn that just because he doesn't have a dad doesn't mean he's missing out because he's got a mommy who loves him enough for two parents.
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