Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 [COLOR=#008000]Ok, this is the first time posting on this thread and really need some direction. To make a long story short, my wife and I have been separated for approximately 4 months after 5 1/2 years of marriage. There was no singular event that preceded her asking me to leave (kicking me out), but a lot of arguing over house work, lack of affection etc. There was a lot of angry outbursts on my part and I have been in counseling the last four months to address my anger. Two weeks after our separation, our house sold in like three days and my wife and four year old daughter recently moved into a new home and I am living in an apartment in a nearby town. I responded to the separation in a typical fashion- begging, pleading, showering her with gifts with no effect. My wife was adamant that she wanted a divorce but we still stayed in contact to discuss issues that concern our daughter. I even helped her move into her new house which was extremely uncomfortable for me. The only constant contact we have at this point is that we sit by eachother in church together each Sunday. After about two months into the separation, my wife told me that she did not no what she wanted to happen, and that she was confused. I have attempted several times to engage her in a conversation about what we need to do to save our marriage but she responds, "I am not at that place yet". About month three into this separation, I decided to institute no contact with my wife for my own emotional stability and to give her an opportunity to experience life without me. I told her that I was going to do this to give her the space that she wants and because I did not want our relationship reduced to two minute conversations when I am calling to tell my daughter goodnight. I made it clear what I wanted in our relationship and told her I loved her and said goodbye. She reacted the first week of NC by either not answering the phone at all when I called to wish our 4 year old daughter goodnight or answering the phone herself to ask how my day was. When she would call when I had my daughter, I would simply hand the phone to my daughter and hang it up after she was done without speaking to my wife. During this period, some of my wife's passive aggressive tendencies really started to manifest. She would text message me to tell me about what a great time she was having on vacation or send me pictures from her vacation. She would also keep me updated on the status of her remodeling projects in her new home which always felt like I was getting stuck with a dagger. I generally reacted by not reacting at all even though it was hurtful to hear about her life without me. A couple of days ago my wife expressed to me that she feels like I am trying to control the situation by not talking to her when I call my daughter. She stated that if there is any hope of us working things out we need to talk to eachother-which I agree on- but she says that she is still too angry to talk about "us". We agreed to make time each Wednesday night to talk to eachother but the topic of our relationship is off limits because she says that I am not respecting her if I try to talk about it. Last night was our first night talking. We talked for an hour and a half about work but nothing of any real substance. My wife seems to have problems with intimacy, expressing her emotions, and forgiveness and wonder if it is a good idea to have this weekly conversation or go back to No Contact. Also, our anniversary is later this month and I don't know if I should acknowledge it or not. thanks in advance for any help [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] [/COLOR]
MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 parts of this i thought i wrote. i have a 4 year old daughter, and do the same thing when the wife calls to tell her goodnight. let her answer, and then hang it up. when i call there, the wife lets her answer, but always gets the phone to ask how my day was. now, she doesn't dagger me when i initiate no contact. she just doesn't contact me, and then when we see one another she points out that the phone works both ways. i always tell her that SHE is the one who walked out on us. we tried the whole "20 minutes a day" on the phone, and i think it lasted 3 days, and then blew up into me handing her divorce papers that she still hasn't signed, because she's "not sure what she wants". oh. you wanted tips. i don't know. i'd say if no contact is making YOU feel better than talking to her, then stick with no contact.
phineas Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 From my own personal experiance I have to ask if you are 100% positive there isn't another man. I think NC is the way to go. Forget the weekly "chat" sessions. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready to talk about the marriage & work on the marriage for real. She seems to have a cruel streak in her, trying to get a rise out of you or maybe attention by sending you texts & such. There should be a law that allows one partner to seek an anulment if the other partner moves out or kicks the other out for a period of more than one month.
Author Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 From my own personal experiance I have to ask if you are 100% positive there isn't another man. I think NC is the way to go. Forget the weekly "chat" sessions. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready to talk about the marriage & work on the marriage for real. She seems to have a cruel streak in her, trying to get a rise out of you or maybe attention by sending you texts & such. There should be a law that allows one partner to seek an anulment if the other partner moves out or kicks the other out for a period of more than one month. I honestly don't think she is involved with anyone else. I have had those thoughts before, but wonder why she would not just file for divorce if she was... I don't think I'm being naive-she just doesn't strike me as that kind of person. She definitely does have a way of getting under my skin in very subtle ways-which I do not understand. In my mind either communicate with me about our relationship or leave me alone
Ronni_W Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I agree with phineas. Sounds as if SHE is trying to control the situation...even down to what you guys can and cannot talk about! As if YOU don't have any rights to decide what YOU want to talk about. And as if YOUR needs/wants to talk about whatever YOU want to talk about aren't important. If you're not talking about your relationship or possible future scenarios, what is the purpose of these "weekly chats" -- let her go and join a freakin' "chat circle" if that's all she needs. You deserve to be able to choose and express what YOU want and need, as well. If she doesn't like that then she will just have to learn to live with the 'no contact', IMO.
Author Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 I am afraid that cutting off this Wed night thing because may be the opportunity to say to herself that she tried to communicate with me again and that I was being selfish by saying that I will only talk to her if it is about what I want to talk about. I'm kind of scared to go back to NC if I have already agreed to talk once a week. What about giving the Wed. chats a chance for a few weeks until after our anniversary just to see how things develop. I don't want to be weak and could honestly handle not talking to her (its better in a lot of ways) but feel likeI could communicate respect by giving her a little bit more time-at the same time, I don't want to be a doormat or someone that she can call on at any time once she is done hurting me or having her fun. She actually asked me to attend a wedding reception last week to see my daughter be the flower girl in the wedding. I attended the wedding and left before the family photos. My wife did not ask me to go to the reception at the time so I had no intention of going. I text messaged her later to say that it was awesome to see our daughter in the wedding and how beautiful our daughter looked. It was at that point that my wife texted back and said I could come by the reception if I was bored. I waited about an hour after the reception started and showed up. I had really positive interactions with her family and I haven't seen alot of them since the reception started. At the end of the night, I asked my wife to slow dance. She agreed but assumed the more traditional/less intimate slow dance position-left hand extended. My daughter saw us dancing and immediately ran up and wanted to be part of it. I am sure it is because she misses seeing us together and being a family. It was a good moment to be with them. It was funny at one point because my daughter told her mom to "kiss daddy on the lips". My wife responded by kissing my daughter on the lips and kissing me on the cheek. It was nice being together as a family but my wife seems hot and cold from day to day.
LisaUk Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Hi, I would reiterate that you want to work on the marriage and although you like having chats, where is it getting you both? Say you respect that she is angry, but you have been getting help for your own anger issues and you would like it if she would agree to MC. If she refuses, personally I would say again how you don't see how you can work on the marriage by having chats and tell her you are going back to NC, not to influence her, but to self preserve.
LisaUk Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Sorry, our posts crossed, maybe you are right, try the wed night convo's but put a time linit on it in your own mind, otherwise you could end up in a very painful limbo situation.
MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 handle not talking to her (its better in a lot of ways) It was funny at one point because my daughter told her mom to "kiss daddy on the lips". QUOTE] my daughter did this when i dropped her off at her mommy's a few weeks ago, only it wasn't funny at all. my wife acted like a t*at about it, and my poor daughter cried and cried. god, i'm tearing up just thinking about it. i told my daughter to wait there, and mommy would kiss me outside at my car. all she had to do was pretend she did, but no, she couldn't even do that. uh-oh. i feel anger onsetting.
Author Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Sorry, our posts crossed, maybe you are right, try the wed night convo's but put a time linit on it in your own mind, otherwise you could end up in a very painful limbo situation. Limbo has been my life for sometime, but I like your suggestion on re-enforcing that I am working on myself through counseling and introduce marriage counseling. Excellent post-thx
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 stay nc until there is a definite decision... let her be angry, make your new life for the better. i sense a whole lot of resentment. have you told her your still in love with her and want to make it work?
Ronni_W Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I think Lisa's Post #7 is sound -- you can express that, and suggest marriage counseling, and let your wife know that you're happy to continue the "weekly chats" but, if YOU don't notice real progress after another 4 weeks (or whatever), then you'll need to go n/c again (for reason that Lisa said, in #7.) I totally get your heart being tugged at, at the wedding reception. Big hugs. I do hope things will work out for all of you.
Author Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Has she told her family whats going on? All she has told them is that she is done. I don't even think she has told them that she doesn't know what she wants. Her mother recently told my mother in church that my wife isn't talking to anyone in the family about it and they have no idea what is going on! My wife has always had feelings expressing herself.
Author Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 handle not talking to her (its better in a lot of ways) It was funny at one point because my daughter told her mom to "kiss daddy on the lips". QUOTE] my daughter did this when i dropped her off at her mommy's a few weeks ago, only it wasn't funny at all. my wife acted like a t*at about it, and my poor daughter cried and cried. god, i'm tearing up just thinking about it. i told my daughter to wait there, and mommy would kiss me outside at my car. all she had to do was pretend she did, but no, she couldn't even do that. uh-oh. i feel anger onsetting. I too have had alot of those heart wrenching moments with my daughter not understanding what is going on. It breaks my heart and I feel for you man.
Author Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 stay nc until there is a definite decision... let her be angry, make your new life for the better. i sense a whole lot of resentment. have you told her your still in love with her and want to make it work? Ive told her numerous times that I am willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile-even if that means giving her space by not talking about our relationship-but this we can't keep talking about everything except what matters!!
MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I too have had alot of those heart wrenching moments with my daughter not understanding what is going on. It breaks my heart and I feel for you man. same to you, man. i'm just feeling in the gutter today. that's all. i think i've latched onto your situation because with each post it reads more and more like mine. seems we both are just dealing with the limbo and seeing if it can pan out the way we want it. our little girls are the same age, and our wives seem to be saying a lot of the same things.
Author Prober1 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 same to you, man. i'm just feeling in the gutter today. that's all. i think i've latched onto your situation because with each post it reads more and more like mine. seems we both are just dealing with the limbo and seeing if it can pan out the way we want it. our little girls are the same age, and our wives seem to be saying a lot of the same things. Hey, in a weird way, its comforting to know I am not the only one that has ever experienced this though I wish neither one of us has. In some ways it has been a good thing in that I have really taken a look at my priorities in life and have been more attentive as a father because there is so much less contact I want every moment to count. I know everybody has an opinion and not all advice helps but I am trying to look at this as some sort of opportunity for growth even though it sucks hardcore
Author Prober1 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Just a quick update on my situation. My daughter ended up spending Saturday night with my parents. I text messaged my wife about 5:30pm to let her know where my daughter would be staying and asked if she wanted to do anything later. She text messaged that we could meet for dinner but that she had to mow later in the evening. I responded that I had already eaten and was thinking about something more along the lines of miniature golf or bowling but understood that she was busy. She called me about a half hour for no apparent reason and reiterated that she had to mow. I did not ask her to do anything again and we chit chatted for about twenty five minutes. About nine pm, I received a text message saying that she was done mowing. Not sure why she would text message me that update, I text messaged her to say that I would like to see her. She said that we (wife, daughter, myself) could do something after church. We did end up going out for lunch with her parents after church and everything went ok. No awkJust a quick update on my situation. My daughter ended up spending Saturday night with my parents. I text messaged my wife about 5:30pm to let her know where my daughter would be staying and asked if she wanted to do anything later. She text messaged that we could meet for dinner but that she had to mow later in the evening. I responded that I had already eaten and was thinking about something more along the lines of miniature golf or bowling but understood that she was busy. She called me about a half hour for no apparent reason and reiterated that she had to mow. I did not ask her to do anything again and we chit chatted for about twenty five minutes. About nine pm, I received a text message saying that she was done mowing. Not sure why she would text message me that update, I text messaged her to say that I would like to see her. She said that we (wife, daughter, myself) could do something after church. We did end up going out for lunch with her parents after church and everything went ok. No awkward silence or anything. My problem is that I feel like when we have contact that I slide back into being preoccupied with our relationship and it is hard to spend an hour or so with my family and then leave. Any thoughts on her behaviors in asking me to go to dinner and if I am handling things right? ward silence or anything. My problem is that I feel like when we have contact that I slide back into being preoccupied with our relationship and it is hard to spend an hour or so with my family and then leave. Any thoughts on her behaviors in asking me to go to dinner and if I am handling things right?
phineas Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Stop having contact seems to be the answer to your backsliding feeling. you said it yourself. you are just giving her the power to set you up then blow you off. Did she REALLY need to mow the lawn that night? As long as you keep asking her to do things she is going to be able to control you. Just stop asking. Your no longer a family. The longer you keep pretending for your kids benefit the longer it's going to take her to accept divorce if that happens. I tried really hard to do the family thing myself. But she was cheating on me the whole time. stringing me along. Only spending time with me when OM was busy. Knowing as long as we did "family" things she could go about her cheating. Don't fall into the trap. Besides, she can't learn to miss you if you keep spending time with her.
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