Author pr-girl Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Sounds canned to me. He should have called at that point. After all, he had the phone in his hand already He just called me. He was getting ready for work and called me on his way in. He said he needed to talk about this and make it right. He apologized again and said he has no excuse, but he wants to make it up to me. He also happened to mention my "casual" hug I gave him last night that upset him. Also, he mentioned his coworker and I whispering a few times when he came around us (that was only because we were speaking of K and I dating and I didn't want to make K uncomfortable). Apparently, he felt uncomfortable. I just explained that it was a conversation about HIM and he was fine. But, he swears that's not the reason he blew off lunch today. (He also said his cell phone really died last night and he would never lie about that.) I explained that he was "at work" and I didn't want to be all over him. He'd then learn to resent me and not want me to visit if I was inappropriate. I respect him and his job. He said he appreciates that. Aye... I do agree with you. It's a challenge going from friends to dating. I think he and I are just trying to get to know each other on a completely different level and we're both unsure on how to proceed. I'm used to hugging him a certain way. A friendly way. I'm used to talking to him a certain way. These things grow and change with time, right? Not overnight. I told him to TALK to me when he has an issue. That I'll usually understand where he's coming from and we can figure out any challenge. He's been such a great friend to me - an important person in my life. I don't want us dating to change that.
carhill Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 The key is, IMO, when expressing reasonable needs and making reasonable requests, that he (and you) respect and validate those dynamics. OK, he talked a lot. I would have said "I'm sorry; I feel awful. I'd like to take you out to dinner tonight to make up for it. What time would you like for me to pick you up?"
loveslife Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 People are complicated. You don't really know what he's responding to with this. How long ago did he get divorced? Maybe his ex-wife constantly flirted with people? Sounds to me like he's responding to insecurity. Whatever this is though, it's his issue. Trying to make sense of it will drive you a bit batty. Have an open conversation with him. IN nicer words perhaps say, what the heck was THAT?
New Again Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 The key is, IMO, when expressing reasonable needs and making reasonable requests, that he (and you) respect and validate those dynamics. OK, he talked a lot. I would have said "I'm sorry; I feel awful. I'd like to take you out to dinner tonight to make up for it. What time would you like for me to pick you up?" I hope this isn't totally threadjacking - Carhill can you elaborate on your point that he talked a lot when a simple offer of a solution/making it up to her would have sufficed? I thought the same thing, but because of my experiences I took it as not the best thing. Like all the talk is sort of defensive and nonproductive. Just fess up and fix it instead of blah blah blah about it. I feel like this applies to a thread I started that you responded in, but I can't PM you :(
Author pr-girl Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 OK, he talked a lot. I would have said "I'm sorry; I feel awful. I'd like to take you out to dinner tonight to make up for it. What time would you like for me to pick you up?" That would've been great, Carhill, but he had to work.
Author pr-girl Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 People are complicated. You don't really know what he's responding to with this. How long ago did he get divorced? Maybe his ex-wife constantly flirted with people? Sounds to me like he's responding to insecurity. Whatever this is though, it's his issue. Trying to make sense of it will drive you a bit batty. Have an open conversation with him. IN nicer words perhaps say, what the heck was THAT? He got divorced 7 years ago. He got his girlfriend pregnant when they were 17 years old. He married her at 18, had another child and stayed married for 10 years. He's been single for quite awhile. I don't think he had an issue with his ex flirting. Apparently, she didn't even like intimacy. Hmmm... Maybe THAT's it. Hmmm... now you have me thinking. His ex was molested by her brother when young, so she never liked to be touched in their relationship. Maybe he thinks by my "casual" hug, that I'm lacking intimacy as well? It seems as though he's wanting more affection from me. Do you agree?
New Again Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 He got divorced 7 years ago. He got his girlfriend pregnant when they were 17 years old. He married her at 18, had another child and stayed married for 10 years. He's been single for quite awhile. I don't think he had an issue with his ex flirting. Apparently, she didn't even like intimacy. Hmmm... Maybe THAT's it. Hmmm... now you have me thinking. His ex was molested by her brother when young, so she never liked to be touched in their relationship. Maybe he thinks by my "casual" hug, that I'm lacking intimacy as well? It seems as though he's wanting more affection from me. Do you agree? When I read your post about the hug and his jealousy over the friend, my impression was that his issue was he needed ALL your attention, which would include affection. My impression is colored by my experience with an ex like that, so I took your post as the "casual" hug wasn't the problem so much as since you were paying more attention to someone else, he's either putting emphasis on the hug, when that's not the real issue, OR he wanted/needed more affection/attention cuz he was mad/jealous/insecure/fill in the blank over your attention to your friend. Sorry, I know I'm not loveslife. Just my $.02
Author pr-girl Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I thought the same thing, but because of my experiences I took it as not the best thing. Like all the talk is sort of defensive and nonproductive. Just fess up and fix it instead of blah blah blah about it. Maybe you and Carhill are right. The crazy thing here is that we're both friends AND neither one of us has been in a relationship for awhile. Granted, I dated a guy in LA (the one you know about, Carhill) for a few months about a year and a half ago, but I haven't had a REAL relationship for almost 4 years. I was hoping - because he and I have been alone for so long - that we have matured on our own to the point of independence; that we don't NEED to be with someone else, but WANT to be with someone else. I'm getting the feeling that he craves affection - which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, I'm slow with that. The 5 love languages... I think I have to realize not everyone is like me and maybe he needs things I don't necessarily crave right away. I just think he needs to TALK to me about it instead of assuming I already know.
New Again Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Maybe you and Carhill are right. The crazy thing here is that we're both friends AND neither one of us has been in a relationship for awhile. Granted, I dated a guy in LA (the one you know about, Carhill) for a few months about a year and a half ago, but I haven't had a REAL relationship for almost 4 years. I was hoping - because he and I have been alone for so long - that we have matured on our own to the point of independence; that we don't NEED to be with someone else, but WANT to be with someone else. I'm getting the feeling that he craves affection - which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, I'm slow with that. The 5 love languages... I think I have to realize not everyone is like me and maybe he needs things I don't necessarily crave right away. I just think he needs to TALK to me about it instead of assuming I already know. You sound insightful, reflective, and self-aware, which makes me think things will work out for you Not everyone is as self-aware as you appear to be, so while I say you should talk to him about the bolded part of your post, it might also not be a very productive conversation - especially since he's already demonstrated that he has a (IMO not very effective) different communication style than you do.
Author pr-girl Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 When I read your post about the hug and his jealousy over the friend, my impression was that his issue was he needed ALL your attention, which would include affection. My impression is colored by my experience with an ex like that, so I took your post as the "casual" hug wasn't the problem so much as since you were paying more attention to someone else, he's either putting emphasis on the hug, when that's not the real issue, OR he wanted/needed more affection/attention cuz he was mad/jealous/insecure/fill in the blank over your attention to your friend. Sorry, I know I'm not loveslife. Just my $.02 You do have a point. I think he's always been a bit jealous of the coworker, "C." He's young and beautiful and hit on me a few times. BUT, C knows I'm seeing K and is alright with it. I've told K that I have no interest in C except for friendship. We are all going on a friendly trip to Mexico together in a month (a group of about 8 of us). It was planned prior to K and I dating. I've never forgotten a comment made a month or so ago... K has a vasectomy. I've never really wanted kids, but never wanted the option to be "taken" away from me. This is part of the reason I wouldn't date him before. But, he has so many unique gifts and wonderful attributes, I couldn't help but want to try. (He won't ever have a reversal. I can respect that.) BUT, when I asked him if he'd ever be willing to adopt (which is something I HAVE thought about doing many times) or do surrogacy, he said YES - but the surrogacy CANNOT be with C. Wow. I think he has an issue with this particular friend.
Author pr-girl Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 You sound insightful, reflective, and self-aware, which makes me think things will work out for you Not everyone is as self-aware as you appear to be, so while I say you should talk to him about the bolded part of your post, it might also not be a very productive conversation - especially since he's already demonstrated that he has a (IMO not very effective) different communication style than you do. I think I'll eventually talk to him about it. When we're face to face. He's a prideful man. We're both Taurus (I don't know if you're into atrology) and we're both a bit stubborn. But, I'm willing to hear him out - what he's feeling. I just hope he's willing to hear me out as well. I think he will be.
loveslife Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 When I read your post about the hug and his jealousy over the friend, my impression was that his issue was he needed ALL your attention, which would include affection. My impression is colored by my experience with an ex like that, so I took your post as the "casual" hug wasn't the problem so much as since you were paying more attention to someone else, he's either putting emphasis on the hug, when that's not the real issue, OR he wanted/needed more affection/attention cuz he was mad/jealous/insecure/fill in the blank over your attention to your friend. Sorry, I know I'm not loveslife. Just my $.02 That was my impression, too, actually.
carhill Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 That would've been great, Carhill, but he had to work. Perhaps that's the difference between he and myself. I choose what I want to do and prioritize accordingly. If I wanted to take you to dinner tonight, even if there were jobs in the shop waiting, I'd fit it in. Different man, different psychology. My motto is there's always a way.
zicke Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 His dismissive "blah blah blah" text was very, very rude. In addition, he KNEW you two had lunch plans, he PURPOSELY blew them off to go golfing. His "oh snap, did I forget??" innocent/sorry text was also dismissive. Your time is valuable. I wouldn't waste anymore of it on some guy who sent me a blah blah blah text, and THEN blew off our lunch plans. And his passive aggressive nature because you *gasp* talked to his co-worker. Think long and hard if these are the actions of a man who not only into you, but ready for a committed relationship. These are HUGE red flags when first starting to date someone. HUGE. Let me put it this way, the beginning of a relationship/dating thing is supposed to be fun. And both parties need to be on their best behavior. Period. This is when you weed out the "yeah, not gonna happens". Once you start analyzing their behavior and making excuses for disrespect, it's all lost IMO. This is how co-dependancy starts. His past at this point it NOT your problem. We all have baggage. All of us. If he can't get it together enough, he shouldn't be dating. Other than that, his actions speak of some one just not that into you. Go find someone who doesn't blow you off after 2 WEEKS. It's two weeks! If this is the best he has to give, I'd hate to see his worst. Ugh. Also wanted to add, be thankful he showed you who he is. BELIEVE HIM.
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