Hkizzle Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Reading some of the problems people complain about I was wondering if people realize that maybe their expectations are a bit too high. I think a lot of people expect their relationship to be like a chick flick, which is not hard in the first few months, but then for that to last for the rest of their lives. Relationships don't work that way. The first couple of years for most people is naturally easy, you treat each other well so there's a positive feedback, rather than the negative feedback in a relationship that's about to fail. The sex life is more interesting, and you've got the hormones to assist your feelings as well. Now of course a person shouldn't be in a relationship if they are not happy. But maybe they're not happy in the first place because their expectations are too high or unrealistic? For example if I'm used to a good lifestyle, say I make 250K USD a year, then a lifestyle that is acceptable to a normal person might not cut it for me. I think many people think a relationship is like a chick flick, and when reality and expectations don't match they get disappointed. Certainly partly explains why the divorce rate is so damn high.
torranceshipman Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I think the problem might actually be the other way round - that lots of people compromise and really want to be in a R...in the first year or two it's new and exciting enough to last, but long term, the passion and love is just not there as they weren't 'the one' for each other in the 1st place...they should have waited for the love of their life but instead they settled and compromised and are now with the wrong person, married. Then things start going bad... Better to just stay single if you don't meet the right person in my opinion...wait until the right person comes along even if it feels like you're waiting 10x longer than everyone else!!
leap83 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I think the problem might actually be the other way round - that lots of people compromise and really want to be in a R...in the first year or two it's new and exciting enough to last, but long term, the passion and love is just not there as they weren't 'the one' for each other in the 1st place...they should have waited for the love of their life but instead they settled and compromised and are now with the wrong person, married. Then things start going bad... Better to just stay single if you don't meet the right person in my opinion...wait until the right person comes along even if it feels like you're waiting 10x longer than everyone else!! Completely, 100% agreed. Why go through all of the emotional turmoil knowing that the person you're with is not the right person for you?! I never understood that. You meet them -> your gut goes "they're not right for me" = stick with them!?! That's called logical! In the end, you get so damaged that you don't see when a good thing comes your way.
Thornton Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I think that firstly, people compromise and settle for someone who is absolutely not right for them, so of course the relationship doesn't work. Secondly, even when people find someone who could be right for them, their expectations are too high. They expect the whole relationship to be movie-perfect and romantic, and they end it for the least little thing... and then when the honeymoon period is over they aren't prepared to work on the relationship, they think it should just happen by itself (again, like in the movies). People have completely unrealistic expectations of long-term relationships and marriage, and when confronted with the reality of normal everyday life with a partner they think something is wrong, because it isn't the absolute perfection that the media has led them to expect. People are far too quick to give up on a relationship when it doesn't quite meet their inflated expectations... Hollywood has a lot to answer for
GoodOnPaper Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Completely, 100% agreed. Why go through all of the emotional turmoil knowing that the person you're with is not the right person for you?! I never understood that. You meet them -> your gut goes "they're not right for me" = stick with them!?! That's called logical! In the end, you get so damaged that you don't see when a good thing comes your way. A number of factors can make it seem like a good idea at the time -- loneliness, the thought that you won't attract anyone better, faulty assumptions about how your feelings will grow, etc.
norajane Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Long term relationships are like chick flicks. Only it's the middle part of the movie - the part where the couple disagrees, fights, has problems to overcome, has communication issues, etc. - and it's not all romance and light like in the beginning and end of the movie. There is love and romance, of course, but it's not all "happily ever after" without dedication to each other and commitment and that takes work.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I think the problem might actually be the other way round - that lots of people compromise and really want to be in a R...in the first year or two it's new and exciting enough to last, but long term, the passion and love is just not there as they weren't 'the one' for each other in the 1st place...they should have waited for the love of their life but instead they settled and compromised and are now with the wrong person, married. Then things start going bad... Better to just stay single if you don't meet the right person in my opinion...wait until the right person comes along even if it feels like you're waiting 10x longer than everyone else!! That's true as well. I guess that's what I should have included in my OP with regard to chick flicks though. I think dating is now much more primal and instinctive than before. It used to be well you find someone decent and you settle down. Now, it's all about chemistry, but you can have chemistry with definitely the wrong person. That's why so many people are coming here for help regarding jerks and bitches.
lucy9216 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I wish my ex could read this haha. He left me after 6 years and a child together because he felt that we no longer had a connection. He actually expected us to be like a "chick flick" forever? these things do not come naturally, couples have to work at it on both ends over time. We were actually very much compatable, best friends, great intimacy, (whenever we found the time, or one wasn't exhausted) and same goals in life. I completely agree with you Hkizzle, in my case his expectations were way too high (he has even admitted to that) and he will regret what he did one day. Yes, now i am in here bitching about my dating experiences, and bitching about my ex . When if he never left me I would not even be in here.
Bayern Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I'd venture to say that most people's expectations are a bit high. Most humans simply believe they're at least better than average (lending them to the belief they deserve more than they should). At least that's my two...
pandagirl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 All in all, I think people should try to appreciate and love what they have, instead of thinking about what they want. This goes for all things in life.
forbin Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 The OP has some good points. It seems that the typical advice people get is: First date, no kiss, no second date. Instant chemistry or nothing. Now if you don't like the guy/girl, don't think he/she's cute, etc that's one thing. Some people are a bit slower on the physical side. Some people are fast. Hell, a friend of mine was a moderate player - didn't have too much of a problem finding dates, moving to third base, etc. The woman who'll likely be his fiance took six (six!) months for anything to move beyond casual flirting. He was dating other women at the time, and I'm sure she was dating other guys. For me, the shortest dating situations (2-3 month) were the ones where physical chemistry was instant - it's just the mental chemistry wasn't there. So those pre-relationships flamed out. The two long term relationships - I've had took a bit longer to get things going (six dates before a kiss.) I think that's because there was something more there than sex going on. If you don't like someone, don't feel like you have to stick around. But if you like the guy/girl, it could be a waste to outright dismiss someone. Hang out, play, have fun.
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