NOTSURE7 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I just wanted to ask a general question how long did it or does it take after dday for the bs to get to that place where they can start to forgive and heal? i know there are alot of factors involved and there are no real exact timetables as each situation is unique, so i guess im just looking to hear from people who have been through it.. in my case i am a wh who confessed to my w...i am 1 month since dday and i am doing all the right things..but its some roller coaster ride of emotions..
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 You aren't even close. If you are starting to think of how long it will take, then you are starting to wane in your commitment to a better marriage. The forgiveness factor isn't really for you, but her. Are you starting to check out already?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 You aren't even close. If you are starting to think of how long it will take, then you are starting to wane in your commitment to a better marriage. The forgiveness factor isn't really for you, but her. Are you starting to check out already? no not at all like that, i was just wondering...
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Everyone is different, some heal quicker than others, some take longer. Depends on the person, the affair itself etc.. The one good thing you have going for you is the complete NC with the exOW. If you were still intouch with her and your wife found out, recovery and regaining trust takes alot longer.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 It takes for ever and then some. That's if it can happen. In a situation like yours where your wife loved, adored, trusted and respected you it will take the longest, and you will never really get all of that back from her if that really matters to you. You have to understand that that is also part of what she is greiving. It seems like what you want is not to relive this everyday. Can't say as I blame you. Maybe you could ask your wife to keep her feelings to her self for awhile, to give you a break. Seriously, your wife needs IC. I thought you said that she would see the MC alone. Did they talk about IC for her? I completely understand why she is refusing it and why you are not pushing it. Look NS, you've had this board to rely on, you've called the shots in your M and with your OW, yet you are seeing an IC for your problems. She doesn't have a large sounding board. Because SHE is trying to protect your families reputation, yours, as well as her own. Only having the one who has betrayed to work through this with is unhealthy. I wish you would go back and read your initial thread from the beginning. People shared a lot on there about what you could expect. "An adoring spouse is a terrible thing to waste"
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 no not at all like that, i was just wondering... As WWIU said, it varies. Strap on your set belt and grip the bar tight. It will go a long way toward a speedier healing.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I just wanted to ask a general question how long did it or does it take after dday for the bs to get to that place where they can start to forgive and heal? as long as it takes. are you looking for answers that you don't have to put up with grief very much longer? what you did scars bad, and your wife will NEVER forget it. As far as when her anger will start to subside, my guess is the anger could start to subside close to a year. Doesn't mean that your cheating won't come up in conversation after that. But she will be angry for a loooooong time...as long as its all still very fresh in her mind. 1 month aint s##t.
PhoenixRise Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Notsure It will take as long as it takes. It varies from person to person. But with only one month since dday you are not even close. I suggest you Look at some of Owl's old threads about his recovery, he gives a good roadmap for what a BS goes through over time. For the first year after dday your wife could be still in the process of figuring out what is real in her life and whether she tells you or not, figuring out if she can stay with you. After that things might get better but as milestones apporach, if you were ever away during holidays, or on business trips or, specific times when she needed you and you were not there for her due to your engagement in the affair, as those milestones approach on the calendar she may be triggered. Or if/when another politician cheats on his wife she may be triggered. It could take months Notsure or it could take years. If you don't think you can deal with this leave now. Don't make your wife go through the process of even making an effort to rebuild the marriage if YOU think this is too hard.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Notsure It will take as long as it takes. It varies from person to person. But with only one month since dday you are not even close. I suggest you Look at some of Owl's old threads about his recovery, he gives a good roadmap for what a BS goes through over time. For the first year after dday your wife could be still in the process of figuring out what is real in her life and whether she tells you or not, figuring out if she can stay with you. After that things might get better but as milestones apporach, if you were ever away during holidays, or on business trips or, specific times when she needed you and you were not there for her due to your engagement in the affair, as those milestones approach on the calendar she may be triggered. Or if/when another politician cheats on his wife she may be triggered. It could take months Notsure or it could take years. If you don't think you can deal with this leave now. Don't make your wife go through the process of even making an effort to rebuild the marriage if YOU think this is too hard. i am in this for the duration, i was really just looking to hear from people how long it took them... i know the hurt is unimaginable and i dont expect quick results...
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Everyone is different, some heal quicker than others, some take longer. Depends on the person, the affair itself etc.. The one good thing you have going for you is the complete NC with the exOW. If you were still intouch with her and your wife found out, recovery and regaining trust takes alot longer. i am in full nc and will not break that...
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 as long as it takes. are you looking for answers that you don't have to put up with grief very much longer? what you did scars bad, and your wife will NEVER forget it. As far as when her anger will start to subside, my guess is the anger could start to subside close to a year. Doesn't mean that your cheating won't come up in conversation after that. But she will be angry for a loooooong time...as long as its all still very fresh in her mind. 1 month aint s##t. i know 1 month is nothing and i dont expect her to ever forget it..i am just trying to learn from others experiences..
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 It takes for ever and then some. That's if it can happen. In a situation like yours where your wife loved, adored, trusted and respected you it will take the longest, and you will never really get all of that back from her if that really matters to you. You have to understand that that is also part of what she is greiving. It seems like what you want is not to relive this everyday. Can't say as I blame you. Maybe you could ask your wife to keep her feelings to her self for awhile, to give you a break. Seriously, your wife needs IC. I thought you said that she would see the MC alone. Did they talk about IC for her? I completely understand why she is refusing it and why you are not pushing it. Look NS, you've had this board to rely on, you've called the shots in your M and with your OW, yet you are seeing an IC for your problems. She doesn't have a large sounding board. Because SHE is trying to protect your families reputation, yours, as well as her own. Only having the one who has betrayed to work through this with is unhealthy. I wish you would go back and read your initial thread from the beginning. People shared a lot on there about what you could expect. "An adoring spouse is a terrible thing to waste" we went to mc together and i have been going to ic, we both met individually with the mc and it was very helpful to her to be alone and she came home feeling good about it...i suggested to her that she should start to see her for ic as well..i think she will take me up on that and it will be beneficial all around.. this weekend we will take a vacation with kids and hopefully a much needed temporary break..
Gamine Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 If you are in the right frame of mind, get why you did what you did and are ready for complete and utter atonement, then your wife has a chance at healing. Some do in a few years, some may never. In other words, some may never be fully restored. The published time frame is 2-5 years.
2sure Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Took me, a good 2 years. But my H would probably tell you it was a lot less than that. A big thing for me was ...before I found out I was the most confident and secure woman in the world. Not bothered by anyone flirting with him, never nosy, nothing. And thats the way I was when he found me. Afterwards, I was naturally less self confident in myself and my judgment. I was paranoid. It took me much much less time to forgive him for the OW than it did me for me to get over the fact that what he did CHANGED me. Eventually I was able to verbalize it to him one day: I trust you now, but I resent that when I get paranoid , even irrationally so, that its MY problem. I know its my paranoia, and it isnt your problem. I need it to be OUR problem. When he understood that it helped us move forward.
PhoenixRise Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 i am in this for the duration, i was really just looking to hear from people how long it took them... i know the hurt is unimaginable and i dont expect quick results... OK. I think most say it takes about 5 years to recover. Maybe in your case it won't take this long since you confessed and asked your wife to work on the marriage with you instead of waiting to be discovered. I would imagine the fact that you confessed will go a long way toward restoring her trust. I agree with the other posters that your wife could probaly benefit from IC. I also understand why she says she doesn't need it.
Spark1111 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 For me, the uncertainty lasted for at least a year; not knowing if I even wanted to stay with this man because I, too, loved, adored and trusted him. It was hard to truly work on the marriage with one foot out the door. I never thought I could/would trust him again. I was wrong. There are/were triggers that rendered me helpless and out of control emotionally. I didn't like who I was, but I couldn't help or prevent the storms. He didn't confess. He was busted. He also did not go NC for several months after DDay. I kept throwing him out. He kept trying to return, begging for forgiveness. I told him early on that I would always love him, needed to forgive him, but that the hardest part would be if I ever could respect him again. I am, and have always been, one of the strongest people I know. It took me a full two years and a lot of grief to go from we'll see to yes, I am in this relationship and am willing to work toward a future with you. And yet, there are some days I am still unsure. And, I am no longer the strongest person I know. Quite the opposite, I think. Somewhat paranoid, insecure and certainly never as trusting of him, or anyone, ever again.
2sure Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I am, and have always been, one of the strongest people I know. ... I am no longer the strongest person I know. Quite the opposite, I think. Somewhat paranoid, insecure and certainly never as trusting of him, or anyone, ever again. Spark, I am heading out the door...I would like to talk to you about this. For the moment, I can so relate to this....and wanted to share with you something from my experience....It doesnt last forever, this change. I thought it would but it didnt. I dont know if I will ever trust him 100% really...but I have found huge huge relief in that : I trust myself again, me, my judgment, everything. And...like anything else "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger"...it did.
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