newsguy Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I feel that my marriage of over 25 years may be about to end. I want to send this e-mail to the "other" man....I am posting it for reaction. and what you feel might happen if I send it. Incidently our daughter is 13 our son is 17. I have no proof there is adultery involved. Dear John I am writing this e-mail to you as a husband and father who is trying to keep his marriage from falling apart. I know that you are seeing Jane frequently and probably talk with her on the phone almost daily. I also believe that she has developed a bond with your children. The last year or so has become extremely difficult for me as Jane is going through a change in her life. I see her struggling to cope with those changes . All efforts to discuss her situation and to seek outside help have been refused by her. I don't know where else to turn...so I am turning to you as a last resort. This e-mail could very well be the death knell for our relationship, but I'm willing to take that chance. I realize you will call her with this information and it may set up a confrontation here at home. But please I ask you to make some hard choices. You have already chosen to see a married woman knowing full well the possible consquences it may bring. If you are in love with my wife and she is in love with you..then so be it. I will have to live with the results But please understand this.....I truly believe that our son and daughter, especially Lisa, have an idea of what is going on. My research on the subject shows that they don't say much, but that they are well in tune with the situation. I have said nothing to them...but they have eyes...they have a mind...they understand John...I have tried on my end to no avail. Please..make a choice
lupa Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I would rewrite it, and make it a little more aggressive. Not like you are going to kill him, but that his actions are selfish and detrimental to a family and children. Then I'd punch him in the brain.
phineas Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 If he's sleeping with your wife & knows you, then he knows what he's doing & doesn't care. In all honesty he isn't the one to be confronting. Your wife is. Why would he care about anything you say? He's getting the milk for free. Tell your wife you want a divorce then OM will have to decide if he wants to buy the cow.
Author newsguy Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Oh I totally understand it's my wife whom I will have the confrontation with. I'm only wondering should I send the e-mail?
SRV Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 No need to send the email. Write it for you to vent and get your thoughts on paper, but do not send it. In most likelihood, if you send it, it will push her further from you and closer to him, they might even get a chuckle from it. He does not care about you or your marriage, you are directing it at the wrong person.
Owl Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Have you confronted HER yet? I haven't looked...do you have a thread here with your full story already posted?
Author newsguy Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Its an old post and circumstances have changed a bit. There is only one man. As I said in the note, she refuses to discuss our situation or go to counselling.
carhill Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169938/ Owl was the first respondent OP, great to journal your thoughts. That's healthy. Sending them to a stranger won't really help your situation. Take positive steps for yourself. What becomes of her is beyond your control.
Owl Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 And interestingly enough...my questions and advice from then STILL stand. Did you ever confront her point blank, and insist on changes? What ACTION have you taken (within your marriage) to resolve this? Have you point blank confronted your wife, have you set boundaries and established consequences for when she violates these boundaries? Have you enforced them if you have? What REASON does your wife have to end her relationship with OM? What does she stand to lose if she doesn't, and does she fully understand what it is she's gonna lose?
Author newsguy Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Well, the deed is done. I confronted my wife about her almost nightly outings. I confronted her about her e-mails from/to the OM. I confronted her about finding her vehicle at OM house. She denies she has been cheating. He's only a friend. But in the end she said she is not happy and wants out of the relationship. We are now working on an exit strategy. This is as tough as it gets. Any suggestions for how to begin this?
LisaUk Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Have you asked that she attend MC with you first? I'm really hoping one of the vets will be along shortly to advise you, I know what they would say but find it hard to say it to you myself!
MrMayI Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 i'm just about to drive down the road and have a confrontation of my own. this mother****er better hope he's not home, and i use the time to cool down.
Owl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Newsguy...here's my suggestion to you. Do NOTHING to facilitate her actions. Don't support her efforts to seperate, don't support her efforts to cheat on you, don't do ANYTHING unless it's something YOU want to do. Seriously...think about that. Don't support her choice to seperate just because she wants it. If it's what YOU want...then by all means proceed post tic. If it's NOT what YOU want...then tell her she's welcome to do what she wants...but you're not going to assist in any fashion. If she wants to seperate/leave...she can. But you're not going to finance her doing so, you're not going to facilitate this at all. You're not going to apartment hunt for her, pay her bills, or pack her bags. She can leave with what belongs to HER directly...joint marital assets stay in the marital residence until a lawyer says otherwise. MAN THE HECK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE CHARGE...DO NOT LET HER CALL ALL THE SHOTS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! One last thought...have you exposed her affair to family and friends who you know would support your marriage and pressure her to end the affair?
Author newsguy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 The trouble is she denies an affair or that she has been cheating. So if I bring such an accusation up I have to back it up with proof. Her being at OM house doesn't constitute proof.....it's really damning....but not real proof. Thanks for the advice....you're right...she's been in control far too long.
Owl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You may never get her to confess without proof...I'll grant you that. But I'm not suggesting that, either. You can be convicted in court on a sufficient (overwhelming) amount of circumstantial evidence. And this isn't even a court case... Sum up your evidence here on this thread. Spell it out, add it up. Then go back and re-read it, looking at it from the perspective of those same friends/family I suggested you expose it to. Are they likely to believe you, or her, given the evidence you provide? If it's enough that you think that they're at least likely to help you gather more evidence...expose. If you think its enough to convince them to talk with her and get her to see that this "friendship" is destroying her marriage...and that no friendship should ever be more important than the one with your husband/wife...then expose. Heck...tell her that last part. Even if she doesn't consider it an affair...it's still destroying your marriage, and she needs to do something about that. Don't stop just because she won't admit the affair...she wouldn't admit to it if you walked in on them in the act. See what your family and friends say...and her family and friends.
Owl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 For example...her being at OM's house doesn't constitute proof that she's cheating. BUT... Her being there and lying/hiding it from you ABSOLUTELY constitutes inappropriate behavior that her family and friends should condemn and convince her to end.
LisaUk Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I'm so pleased Owl said that, that is what I thought one of the vets would say. I'm sorry I could not say it last night, I could hear your pain! I seriously need to WOMEN UP! He is compelety right in everything he says. Are you telling me people will think that your w putting "a friend" above your marriage is acceptable. Whether you have hard proof or not, all you have to say is you suspect her of cheating.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Private investigator, keylogger, nuclear expose, and serve her at work and name him co-defendant!!! I' bet that'll rile her up. If your gonna go out gotta go out with a bang. And trust she's cheating! dont be naive or stupid to think of anything else. She's lying cheating and it's been going on under your nose. Either she recommits or leaves the house and move in with him. Let the "friend" take care of her. Your marriage is over... effective immediately. The best way to begin things is to start taking control of your money, and all credit cards. I mean all financials. Dont leave her with a dime. Do not support the affair in any form. and dont leave your house. The next time she leaves change the locks if she aint being right. Oh and see a lawyer ASAP!
Author newsguy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Sound advice. As for MC....she has never wanted it...right from the beginning. Even when I asked in front of one of may children. She said no.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 So F-ing what, no MC, no remorse = No Marriage! Kick her azz to the curb! and let the new man take care of her!
TrustInYourself Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 The trouble is she denies an affair or that she has been cheating. So if I bring such an accusation up I have to back it up with proof. Her being at OM house doesn't constitute proof.....it's really damning....but not real proof. Thanks for the advice....you're right...she's been in control far too long. There does not need to be proof. The truth is she acknowledges there is problems in the marriage. What do you have to prove other than the fact that she's not 100% invested into your relationship. Both by refusing MC, refusing to end the relationship, and putting her feelings above yours. So what now? Create consequences for her actions. Expose her relationship, regardless if it's a friendship or not. You do not have to pull punches here. You do a dis-service to yourself, your wife, your family, your children by trying to understand and be a good husband to someone who doesn't respect or desire you. Man up, but you don't have to be an ass about it. Play it cool, play it smart, but have a damn plan and work it out. Take control. Good luck.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I wouldn't go the hard route on him. Nothing will come of it. He will simply smirk and think "who cares, I'm still going to bang your wife and there is nothing you can do about it". Now, her on the other hand. Since she refuses counseling or anything of the sort, I'd give her a real decision to make. I'd have divorce papers drawn up and sign them. Then sit her down and say "you have a choice, you can give up OM completely and go NC with him or you can sign these papers, pack your sh*t and get out immediately." Tell her that any contact with him means that she forfeits her right to be married to you and that you will file for a legal separation and then divorce her to the fullest extent of the law. Make it clear that she is the one cheating, so she will be the one leaving. Make sure you have hired a PI or have some other stealth way to keep tabs. Now, this sounds mean - but in a case where someone's adulterous head is up someone else's azz, you have to shock them and hard to get them to pop back out to reality. You have to hit them swift and hard, and moreover you have to mean it. Until she comes up for air from this affair, there is nothing you can do the save the marriage.
mark982 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 why do you two need a "exit stradagy(sp)? she's not happy,oh well you got to go.why let her drag you futher down? going to have to do some suffering before she sees the light.
Owl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Sound advice. As for MC....she has never wanted it...right from the beginning. Even when I asked in front of one of may children. She said no. Why does SHE get to call all the shots? Marriage is two way, about BOTH partners needs. Not just hers, not just yours. Don't accept no. Tell her it's non-negotiable...it's a requirement to continue. Tell her that while SHE may not want it, you feel the marriage NEEDS it desperately. You're not asking...you're telling her that if she wants to give the marriage a chance, it's going to happen. PERIOD. If she refuses to go...consider that a "deal breaker". She doesn't want to go because she likes the way things are...she doesn't want to have to change...and that should be totally unacceptable from your side of this.
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