Obsessed with separation

[mamie]

My husband and I have been together for five years, and married for 2 and a half. About 10 months before we were married, I started an affair that lasted four months. I felt a true connection with that person, and came very close to calling off the wedding. However, my husband is a good man, and my family urged me to go through with it. I went to counseling at the time and decided that going forward with the marriage was the best decision for me. (To clarify, my family [sisters] knew about the affair, but not my husband. He has no clue that I have ever been unfaithful.)

 

As we got closer to the wedding date, I was caught up in the excitement of the plans, and eventually was able to push out of my mind the man with whom I had the affair. I had stopped all contact with him about six months prior to the wedding. After six months of marriage, I started thinking about this other man again, and had vivid dreams about him. I forced myself to stop thinking about him, and didn't contact him. He has intermittently popped into my head for weeks at a time since then, and this April my thoughts of him became very intense. I e-mailed him during a weak moment, and he said he wanted to see me. I ended up not going to see him, but the temptation has been there ever since.

 

I think a lot of my obsession with this other man has to do with a lack of passion in my relationship with my husband. Truth be told, he is more like a roommate or platonic best friend than the object of my affection. I feel terrible admitting this, because from the outside, our marriage looks perfect. We get along great and he is very supportive of me. By all accounts, he is the perfect man. I just don't know if I have what it takes to sustain this marriage.

 

I am currently in counseling about this, and I would love to flick a switch that would make me become satisfied with my current relationship.

But I simply cannot stop obsessing over this other man -- despite the fact that (other than the time in April) I haven't spoken to him in almost three years. When I think about this other man, it feels like that situation has broken my heart.

 

I am currently thinking about trying a trial separation from my husband, with the idea that once I can step away from the situation, I will appreciate what I have. Is this realistic at all? I realize I am being spoiled and selfish. I just don't want to constantly feel like my marriage is a sham because I have no passion for my husband. I also don't want to spend the next 50 years wondering if I made the right choice by getting married.

(By the way, we have no children. I am 26, he is 28.)

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

The feelings you are experiencing are very normal for an individual in a marriage lacking passion and intimacy... In my humble opinion, leaving, seperating, divorcing, or cheating will not resolve the issue(s) here.

 

You need to be 100% open and honest with your husband. As a married couple you are entitled to share passion and love with one another. Both of you should enjoy those moments. I assure you it will be a long road, but one worth travelling, if you choose to.

 

Otherwise, honestly, why get into another relationship? As you have not even begun to stratch the surface in this relationship. Once you have worked through all of your issues as a couple, if at that point you can still say you have no feelings and no love for him - only then will you have earned the right to move on and consider future relationships.

 

Oh, by the way - you also need to cut off contact with the OM completely! 100% no contact with the other man!!!!!

[joybean72]

Truth be told...you went into this marriage built on a lie. You owe it to your NOW husband to be honest. Yes, it will be hard for him to swallow this pill that you so knowingly & willingly shoved down his throat....but better he find out now than years...months...days...before you decide to cheat. That is the reality. (Sorry to sound harsh.)

[Chrome Barracuda]

So in essence your whole marriage is a total and complete lie. because not only you cheated on your now husband before you got married. You only did it out of convience???

 

Yeah....

 

So my advice is divorce him, go and chase the other man and be true to thyself but dont live a lie. dont be fraudulent to yourself and dont give me crap saying you was forced into the wedding, and you love him and blah,blah,blah.

 

You made the choice to marry , you could have told him the truth and saved him a slice of his life marrying a liar.

 

That isnt fair to him.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with joybean. You knew he wasn't the one for you, yet you married him anyway due to family pressure.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and for your husband is divorce him. He deserves a woman who is going to truly love and adore him.

 

Forget what your family and friends think, do what's right and fair, otherwise you WILL end up cheating on him again.

[SansSouci]

Wondering if a separation is the best thing or not has now been taken firmly out of your hands and into your husbands.

This is because you have had an affair and not been honest with him.

 

The first thing you MUST do is sit down with him and tell him what you have done. You may find out that he does not want to continue with YOU - and your quandry about the marriage will be over.

 

If he is willing to forgive - then you could consider talking about your 'issues' with lack of passion & intimacy etc - then & only then.

Please do not give him th edouble whammy of 'I have had an affair' AND it's because I feel like you are my roomate. He would be crushed. Anyone would.

 

Do not continue this based on a lie. As someone has pointed out - your entire marriage is based on a lie.

There is never an excuse for cheating. It's mean & selfish, and shows an utter lack of respect for your partner.

 

Show him a bit of respect now - and tell him.

 

Your entire post seems to be about yourself. You cannot want a separation to see if you can appreciate what you have - because by your very actions - you have done exactly the opposite - not appreciated him.

 

This is WAY out of your hands now.

[carhill]

OP, assuming you're in IC, does your H know you're in counseling? If so, what do you tell him it's for?

 

IMO, MC would be a great place to share your revelation and begin to work through it. The advantage is that, at the moment, you have a loving and willing partner.

 

What do you think will happen if you 'trial separate'?

[Jonesey]

This is very simple....

 

1. Tell your H about the affair.

2. Separate from your H. Meaning, you leave the marital home and everything but the basics and what you brought to the home in the beginning that was yours.

3. Continue IC

4. Re-evaluate once you get a handle on your feelings and emotions.

 

You do not deserve to have a H that gives you everything you could ask for, including emotional support and stability. You broke the rules before the game even started and your husband should have the choice of whether or not the marriage continues once you get yourself straight. I would bet he will tell you to hit the bricks and never return to the marriage.

 

It sounds like you are getting ready to put that 1st bite of cake in your mouth and chew.

 

I hope this does not come off as too harsh, but I do not give sympathy to you or you're situation.

 

Good Luck

 

J

[WTFO]

This is very simple....

 

1. Tell your H about the affair.

2. Separate from your H. Meaning, you leave the marital home and everything but the basics and what you brought to the home in the beginning that was yours.

3. Continue IC

4. Re-evaluate once you get a handle on your feelings and emotions.

 

You do not deserve to have a H that gives you everything you could ask for, including emotional support and stability. You broke the rules before the game even started and your husband should have the choice of whether or not the marriage continues once you get yourself straight. I would bet he will tell you to hit the bricks and never return to the marriage.

 

It sounds like you are getting ready to put that 1st bite of cake in your mouth and chew.

 

I hope this does not come off as too harsh, but I do not give sympathy to you or you're situation.

 

Good Luck

 

J

 

 

Jonesey is right. Wow, I thought I had some problems. Poor bastard never had a chance. I hope you know what you are doing. This is a big gamble. Good luck.

[Nomad1]

'trial' separation? You have already made the decision when you had the affair. The decent thing to do is tell your so-called husband. It's simple. Undo the knot and chase the OM. Everyone will be happy. Your husband will be shocked, for sure, but he will appreciate being told the truth.

 

Be brave! Unburden yourself. Tell him and let him be with someone who will really appreciate a decent honest man.

[mark982]

you will not appreciate what you have after a trial seperation. the way you feel now,you'll just go do the other man w/ no regrets(hey i'm seperated) there's really only 1 thing to do and damn near everyone is in agreement,just tell your husband and move on. he deserves a loving,faithful wife,and even though so far in your married life(not counting before)you've been faithful,it's only a matter of time.

[mamie]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this subject. Now here I am, almost two months later and we are still living under the same roof. We haven't slept in the same bedroom for about a month though, and went to our first MC session this week. I ran into the OM and have gone to see him twice since then. I am now sleeping with the OM and think I am in love with him. I don't expect any sympathy, but please go easy on me. I have not told H anything about this, but he knows I want to separate. He has asked that I stay for several more MC sessions before moving out. I can't believe I am being such a terrible person and I am probably going to hell. I really cannot tell H about OM because it would hurt him unnecessarily. I understand why you guys are saying I should tell him, but I just cannot. I did tell him that I am no longer in love with him and would like to divorce. I am not going to see the OM again until divorce papers are filed.

 

I am correct in thinking that, at this point, there is no other option than separation, right?

[Bobby2010]

I am correct in thinking that, at this point, there is no other option than separation, right?

 

Is this a joke?

 

You're a complete coward.

 

Your husband knows you are with somebody else, how couldn't he? I doubt he's that big a moron.

 

What's stopped you from telling him something he will inevitably find out? You know waiting makes things worse for him right?

 

Unbelievably selfish.

[SRV]

You need to dig up the story on this board about the guy from New Zealand that moved to SoCal and see how that story ends.

 

He even updated his thread a year later.

 

Similar theme to yours.

 

Unbelievable.

[mamie]

Where can I find that post? I searched "New Zealand" on here but couldn't find it.

[mamie]

My husband does not know I am seeing someone else. I would like an amicable split, even though it is selfish. I am trying to protect him. Knowing that I am having an affair would kill him. I am in love with this other man.

[Bobby2010]

It will kill him much worse when he inevitably finds out.

 

You aren't protecting anything.

 

You should be honest, now.

 

He deserves the truth.

 

By not telling him you are taking the coward's way out, and it will end up worse. He will find out, if he already doesn't know.

[mamie]

No, he is never going to find out. The OM lives 3 hours away and we don't have any mutual friends. I know the OM from college & my H went to a different school. I don't plan to start seeing OM again until the D is finalized, and he will not be coming to my city at any point.

 

There is no way the H will find out.

 

I'm sorry, but I am not going to tell him and I think it would be stupid and pointless to do so. Don't people always say that cheaters only make confessions so they can relieve themselves of guilt? Well, I don't need to be relieved of my guilt because it protects my H. I am afraid my H might try to take his own life.

[dazedandconfused2008]

I just wanted to say that your husband WILL find out. Coming from experience and from a lot of people on here will tell you....the truth always has a way of coming out in the end. You and your husband have been married for awhile now and have family and mutual friends do you not? Do you plan on stopping all contact with these people so that your husband will never find out? I promise you and i put my life on that....that he WILL find out the truth in the end. Your husband is hurting already and he feels it in his gut that somethings not right. All you are doing is prolonging his healing process because he doesnt know exactly what he needs to heal from. Think about that.

 

I also want to say that you are doing THE BEST thing for your husband and for yourself by leaving even as cowardly as you are doing it. Your husband does not deserve this betrayal and you dont deserve him. You and this OM do deserve each other and if you think that sneaking around for 4 months constitutes a foundation for a happy ever after your in for an awakening in the next few years if it lasts that long.

 

Maybe instead of trying to look for happiness through other people you should be looking for the happiness within yourself before you should even be in any kind of relationship. You will NEVER find peace and happiness if you think that love is based on passion and strong feelings. How can you possibly give and take when you dont have any for yourself? Passion never lasts but the love and relationship you have with yourself will last a lifetime if you can learn to do that first. Just coming from my own experiences....but i hope you do the right thing for once and take some responsibility for your actions.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You can say whatever you want to make yourself feel better but your wrong. Everything about you is wrong!!!

 

Fact of the matter remains, your a liar , a cheater and continued to see the OM even after you had a chance to end it! Your gonna go back on your word because that's your nature. You say one thing and do something else. Dont you care if you have an std from the OM? or your husband, should HE deserve the same respect to know the truth about his life as well. or are you gonna make a million and one excuses to deflect, point fingers, or not be held accountable for your actions.

 

You want an amicable divorce because you dont want to get dragged through the mud. What if OM's girlfriend or wife calls your husband? Then the cat is outta the bag, then what?

 

Stop being a coward and own up to what your doing!

 

What your good enough to cheat but not good enough to be a real woman and own up to it???

 

I mean you say he will kill himself, aint no woman aint worth commiting suicide over! including you!

[Aksion]

While I know I'm still in the begginings of my own problems -- this one just jumped right out at me.

 

How can you even begin to THINK that YOU'RE PROTECTING your H by not telling him what is going on? You're not protecting him, you're just flat out lying to him. I love my wife to death -- but I'll be damned if she comes to me and says that she is fully committed to ending our marriage because she wants another man would I ever consider killing myself. Yes, its going to hurt your H. Yes, you're going to feel like crap for having to tell him, but its much better that you do. Maybe not in your eyes, but for him.

 

However, be selfish -- don't tell him. You've been lying thus far, whats one more huge lie?

[seibert253]

Sad, indeed sad.

 

I'm sorry, but here it goes:

You are very selfish and self centered. You have serious issues that need to be addressed before you will ever be happy. I suggest you start counseling today.

 

There's your 2X4.

 

Now, if you have any respect for your STBXH you'll do the right thing; you will tell him THE TRUTH, Everything, including your affair, and you will divorce him. Your excuses about hurting him isn't about hurting him, it's about you. Live up to it. At least admit that.

[SRV]

Where can I find that post? I searched "New Zealand" on here but couldn't find it.

 

 

Here is the story, wish you luck

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=154695&page=2

[mamie]

I read that and it was very disturbing. But that man was in a 30 year relationship, and I've only been married two years with no kids. I'm still in my 20s. I've known the OM for 7 years and had a previous friendship and relationship with him. So I think my case is different. I knew the OM before I knew my H and I was in love with the OM first. I should have married the OM but we lost touch because we lived in different parts of the country. Sounds cheesy, but when I saw the OM, all my feelings for him started flooding back. I have never thought of cheating on H with anyone other than OM.

 

My family is still giving me crap and telling me I need to wait things out and give my M more time. But I feel like that would be stringing H along.

[mamie]

Also, that guy was dumb for moving in with his girlfriend right away. After making this big mistake, I don't plan on moving in with the OM or even living in the same city with him.