Just venting out of relief as much as anything!

[jasminetea]

Briefly - I was in a relationship with a guy for six years. All that time he was cheating on me with various women. D day occured five years into the relationship and I believed for the last year we were together he'd stopped fooling around. I finally finished with him a year and a half ago when I at last realised that I didn't deserve his treatment of me and I wasn't prepared to forgive him for it.

 

He contacted me continually for the next nine months after that via emails (I'd block his addresses, get a new email address, he'd track me down, use a new address, etc. etc.) in which he professesed his undying love, how he regretted his actions, how he was ready for us to live together, how he was going to propose, yadda yadda.

 

Well, yesterday I was given uncontrovertable proof that he was still cheating on me right up until the last minute we were together with at least one woman and is probably still seeing one of them now.

 

I also have proof that he has in the last year cheated on the woman he cheated on me with.

 

So, I feel relief that I made the right decision to dump him and not take him back. I feel rueful that I'd believed he'd stopped cheating (but also quite amused, strangely!) but I also feel very bad for the woman (women?) he's still cheating on because apart from anything else, he refuses to use condoms.

 

Anyway, I'm not necessarily asking for advice (although its always welcome), but I really needed to tell someone what I'd found out. Thanks for reading

[Gamine]

This guy sucks. All of his screwing around has left him lonely and probably broken. I wonder what he would do if one day he awakened and learned that his penis had to be surgically removed because of disease? He would probably have the catharsis of his life or end it.

 

Now before I get into the fact that this guy probably still loves you (genuinely), I want to give you a cyber hug for the grief he and his nonsense has put you through. It is deplorable, cruel and sick. The OW each walk around feeling like a cat who has a mouse in their mouth thinking they are the 'cat's meow'. When it is simply just an extension of his sickness. Yes, this guy is sick.

 

My husband became sick, or shall I say he was always sick. He went through his life denying abuse that occurred when he was a young boy. That combined with a mother who was extremely cold, inattentive, distant, and very stingy with affirmations. She was someone I didn't even bother to get to know while she was alive and I warned my husband that I believed he would implode when she died. Well, wasn't I correct? He imploded and the pseudo sexual turned into full blown porn addiction and when sex on a platter showed up... well, need I say more?

 

I didn't leave my husband because I was his friend. He wasn't much of a friend to me, but that has no bearing on what I am and the sort of friend I know I had to be. Someone had to help him or he would wind up self destructing. I didn't remain with him to save a marriage and frankly I made that perfectly clear to him and his IC. The IC was shocked. I didn't stick around trying to make him into the sort of fella who would make a good husband. I was his friend, not just his spouse and I couldn't walk away from someone who was sick and self destructive knowing that I was the only one who could help him get the help he needed. I literally kicked his ass.

 

I stuck around not for the 'prize' of winning a husband back or the 'prize' of getting him to turn around for me. I stuck around because there was no one else. No one else in the position of helping him find his true self. It is a sad day when you see a man or a woman yearning for love but without the means to live in a way to give or receive it. My husband believes that he would probably have wound up dead somewhere if he had been left to his own devices.

 

The OW rarely even get it. They think that some of these guys are healthy and 'normal' and that their allures and sexual prowess drive these men wild. What they don't get is that often they are already wild and disturbed... and/or broken... or filled with self doubt. Whatever it is ... some people act out sexually to the degree of the brokenness inside of them.

 

Sick, twisted and totally disgusting behavior. But it comes from a place that has nothing to do with sex whatsoever.... It comes from deeper darker recesses like a wolf with a rotting leg... limping through the forest trying to fend off attackers.

 

And when I read how some of the OW are filled with glee in adding to the destruction of the man's life it breaks my heart. There are some affairs that are actually genuine connections between people that come from a truly good place inside of them... their hearts. Guys like yours do not have this good place and it is not about love for them. It is about acting out a sickness that becomes a compulsion. It is no different than a drug addiction. This guy is a sex addict but he needs a foot up his rear to get him to address it. He is not worthy of any woman, let alone you, because all he is doing is using sexuality as a way to tear himself down and prove that he is disgusting and horrible... to himself. As strange as that sounds that is the truth of it.

 

I wouldn't give him any 'relationship', but if you have it in you kick him in the rear. He needs to see a pro who specializes in sex addictions, not just a general psychologist. Someone who knows what they are dealing with. If you care about him, even as a friend, and you can withstand it... see if you can do something for him in this regard.

 

I know what it feels like... I hope you find peace of mind amidst this mine field.

[jasminetea]

Firstly, thank you so, so much for the cyber hug. I've not had any sympathy before over this and I hadn't realised how much I've missed it. Its my own fault of course, everyone was rightly tired of the drama!

 

Yes, you're right that he's sick, I see that now. And I also believe that his sickness is also as a result of a very unhealthy relationship with his parents. It's probably the case the majority of the time with sex addicts like this, I would think.

 

I don't have it within me to have anything more to do with him. I was too badly damaged by him, not only his numerous affairs but all the other little hurts he would inflict, to be helpful in any way to him. I also think his narcissistic tendencies prevent him from seeing any problem with himself - his admittance of guilt in his emails to me were a device to get me to contact him, I'm sure. His continuous supply of OW will bolster that perfect image of himself as will his very large wealth.

 

I'm amazed and have to admit to feeling rather humbled by your actions with your husband. What a very strong lady you are.

 

Rather narcissistically of myself, I'm intrigued about why you think he really does love me?

 

To add: I think I'm well on my way to finding peace of mind. I think it helps that I'm now very happily married (yes, already!), but also that I fell out of love with the man long before I finally left him.

[jasminetea]

I forgot to comment on this bit:

 

The OW rarely even get it. They think that some of these guys are healthy and 'normal' and that their allures and sexual prowess drive these men wild. What they don't get is that often they are already wild and disturbed... and/or broken... or filled with self doubt. Whatever it is ... some people act out sexually to the degree of the brokenness inside of them.

 

I have come to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, that not only is the type of man we're talking about sick, but the OW who are attracted to them and who accept their behaviour, over and over again, must also be lacking in something and also sick.

 

I mean, its obvious, isn't it?

[Gamine]

Firstly, thank you so, so much for the cyber hug. I've not had any sympathy before over this and I hadn't realised how much I've missed it. Its my own fault of course, everyone was rightly tired of the drama!

 

Yes, you're right that he's sick, I see that now. And I also believe that his sickness is also as a result of a very unhealthy relationship with his parents. It's probably the case the majority of the time with sex addicts like this, I would think.

 

I don't have it within me to have anything more to do with him. I was too badly damaged by him, not only his numerous affairs but all the other little hurts he would inflict, to be helpful in any way to him. I also think his narcissistic tendencies prevent him from seeing any problem with himself - his admittance of guilt in his emails to me were a device to get me to contact him, I'm sure. His continuous supply of OW will bolster that perfect image of himself as will his very large wealth.

 

I'm amazed and have to admit to feeling rather humbled by your actions with your husband. What a very strong lady you are.

 

Rather narcissistically of myself, I'm intrigued about why you think he really does love me?

 

To add: I think I'm well on my way to finding peace of mind. I think it helps that I'm now very happily married (yes, already!), but also that I fell out of love with the man long before I finally left him.

 

 

First of all I want to tell you how happy I am that you are finding peace of mind and that you are happily married. Your kind spirit comes through your posts and I am certain that your new husband has found himself with a diamond in his hands.

 

I believe that your xH still loves you because you are the safe place he turns to for comfort and stability... and approval. He is tearing himself down over and over again and with every tryst he leaves a little bit of himself behind.

 

Do you remember ever falling down and hurting yourself as a kid? Crying and crying...until the comfort arrived and felt soothed. We looked for the comfort. This is the same for his dynamic. He has to think quite a bit of you to come running back to you. If there was no love, trust me... he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. Now, I'm not romanticizing him in the least bit. But I get a feeling that you may be the only woman he has ever actually loved.

[SidLyon]

I forgot to comment on this bit:

 

 

 

I have come to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, that not only is the type of man we're talking about sick, but the OW who are attracted to them and who accept their behaviour, over and over again, must also be lacking in something and also sick.

 

I mean, its obvious, isn't it?

 

I don't subscribe to the view that all married people who are unfaithful are sick and that all people who have affairs with a married person are sick.

 

Given the statistics on marital infidelity it would require a very broad definition of "sick".

 

I do think that married people who cheat and those that cheat with married people have particular problems with honesty, integrity and 'boundaries'. At the risk of sounding sexist and generalist I also think it's different for men and women.

 

The old adages of, men do it for the sex and women for the intimacy, I think probably has more than a grain of truth in it.

 

I have nothing but contempt for my H's OW. While I know she has genuine feelings (of her own) I know for a fact that she has little empathy for a BW and a strong sense of entitlement. But "sick" - somehow I doubt it.

 

S

[jasminetea]

As I said, the type of man we were referring to is sick and the type of woman who is attracted to them must also be sick.