It's HUMILIATING being dumped.

[Taucher]

...is it just me who feels like this? Why do I feel this?

 

I mean, I was an EXCELLENT boyfriend. Not in every way, but in all the important ways. I have been discarded.

 

My ex has 3 best friends, all female. One of her friends has a boyfriend (of 5 years) who has cheated on her TWICE. He has gone to hotels, stayed late at work, done the whole thing with these other girls...AND HE HAS NOT BEEN DUMPED by my ex's friend.

 

Another of my ex's friends has a boyfriend who people seem to suspect of being gay. I didnt know why...but he was caught on a gay dating site...THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER!

 

Me, on the other hand. I am fairly handsome, VERY supportive of my ex when we were together. I have a wide circle of friends and used to spend most but not all of my time with my ex. I used to go with her to work and help her carry her books. I got on GREAT with her parents and her extended family. All her friends really liked me. We had SO much fun together. We made each other laugh (I have never met any funnier girl than my ex). I used to pay for dinner (not all the time - my ex earned a bit more than me!). I did pretty much half the housework. And the sex was amazing...best I ever had by a long way. We were both so in love and close to each other.

 

I wasn't a doormat. You have to trust me on this because it might sound from the above that I was. When we first started going out, 5 YEARS ago, I made her chase me, despite the fact that she is absolutely gorgeous and a bit of a stunner (whereas I am just maybe a bit above average!).

 

I KNOW I have been dumped and that there is less than 1% chance of getting back together. I'm over that.

 

My point? I feel embarrassed. All her friends' boyfriends with their cheating and being possibly gay AND I AM THE ONE WHO IS DUMPED.

 

And that is why I feel humiliated.

 

Should I?

 

T

[EmperorR]

Its understandable but you have to remember one thing I learned, it does not matter how good you treat someone, does not matter if they were cheated on in every relationship before you. With certain people it doesn't matter if you treat them like a slave or princess thr end result will be thr same.

 

Feeling humilated unwanted ugly, I've felt all of that. And it double sucks when you see your friends treating their gfs like trash but there still together while you get kicked to the curb being respectful faithful etc. But that's life. Don't change who you are, you will find someone who appreciates you one day.

[piticu]

No, you should not be humiliated. If it's not something you did then why should you?

She chose to break up the relationship with you, you should never be embarrassed on behalf of other people's choices or actions.

[joseffrost]

Sounds familiar - I got on with all of my ex's friends and family. Her parents even offered to take me away on holidat with them AFTER she dumped me!!

 

And her housemates' boyfriends? Well - one used to go schizo and jump out of moving cars, one of her friends cheated on her boyfriend at every available opportunity, and one was only with her boyfriend because his dad was wealthy. These are the same housemates who she just couldn't wait to get away from when she was going to move in with me next month, one of whom replaced me on a family holiday this summer.

 

And you know what? I wasn't perfect, I mistreated her at times but on the whole I was a pretty good boyfriend, I can see that now I'm over the initial self-blame stage. You're right, it is humiliating, because it makes me think that no matter what I did, it wouldn't have been enough.

[utterer of lies]

I mean, I was an EXCELLENT boyfriend. Not in every way, but in all the important ways.

 

Nice speech, but... you obviously weren't that great, after all. She dumped you. Something was missing.

 

 

My point? I feel embarrassed. All her friends' boyfriends with their cheating and being possibly gay AND I AM THE ONE WHO IS DUMPED.

 

And that is why I feel humiliated.

 

Should I?

 

A little bit of hurt pride will only do you good.

[caramel c]

Well, you could look at it this way...when you are feeling humiliated over this, ask yourself, humiliated in front of WHO? Her friends and their boyfriends? ha! In front of your friends/family/co-workers? No. You did nothing to cause anybody to look at you in such a light. This is a natural feeling you are having and I assure you it is temporary and nobody else looks at you this way. Carry on with yourself, men like you are valued in the single world.

[joseffrost]

Nice speech, but... you obviously weren't that great, after all. She dumped you. Something was missing.

 

So the dumper is always in the right and the dumpee is always lacking somehow? Don't think it necessarily works that way.

[Woggle]

Maybe you should be more like her friend's boyfriends. There are plenty of men in the same boat you are in and yet these same women wonder where all the good men are. Most women for some reason love men that treat them like garbage. I don't know why but you were not enough of a scumbag for this woman.

[mickleb]

What is the point of you being here, utterer? What does that name even mean? You bore me.

 

Taucher - you should NOT feel humiliated. Although, I agree, it IS humiliating getting dumped. It demonstrates to us we were unwise to trust in those we trusted, to believe what we believed about them.

 

But, at least we had the guts to try, eh? Better to have loved and lost..

 

You are a gentleman. There is no shame in that. x

[Taucher]

Its understandable but you have to remember one thing I learned, it does not matter how good you treat someone, does not matter if they were cheated on in every relationship before you. With certain people it doesn't matter if you treat them like a slave or princess thr end result will be the same.

 

it is humiliating, because it makes me think that no matter what I did, it wouldn't have been enough.

 

I think you have both touched on the same, valid point here. My Ex had 3 serious bfs before me, from between 1 - 3 years. One of them she was engaged to. They ALL ended the same way, with her leaving a bewildered man behind wondering what was going on. One of her exes resorted to turning up at her house (200 miles away!) and sending threatening letters. "Poor, sad, deluded fools" i used to think "But our relationship is DIFFERENT to what THEY all had".

 

Truth is, it ended exactly the same, because SHE is the same.

 

Or maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. I did do things wrong. She used to say I used to spend too much time with my friends, but she would NEVER come when I invited her (unless a certain female friend was present who she always was convinced I was having an affair with - I wasn't). Also, I was certainly complacent and just stupidly assumed we would go on forever, which caused a lack of effort on my part at the end.

 

I am, after all, a flawed human being. Just like everyone to some extent.

 

Nice speech, but... you obviously weren't that great, after all. She dumped you. Something was missing.

 

A little bit of hurt pride will only do you good.

 

First point. I am not going to start thinking that I am not 'that great' just because someone dumped me. What was missing was her love for me, in the end. And if I start believing that she fell out of love with me because I am intrinsically, unversilly and unalterably flawed, then I will probably NEVER recover from this. So I wont.

 

Second point about hurt pride: You are probably right about this and I agree. Wont be so complacent next time.

 

Well, you could look at it this way...when you are feeling humiliated over this, ask yourself, humiliated in front of WHO? Her friends and their boyfriends? ha! In front of your friends/family/co-workers? No. You did nothing to cause anybody to look at you in such a light. This is a natural feeling you are having and I assure you it is temporary and nobody else looks at you this way. Carry on with yourself, men like you are valued in the single world.

 

Good points caramel. I bumped into my ex's best friend and she was very nice to me and sympathetic and all that. But she said she was confused about why we split up so I started thinking that SHE thinks that there is some big secret that my ex is too embarrased to talk about.

 

Taucher - you should NOT feel humiliated. Although, I agree, it IS humiliating getting dumped. It demonstrates to us we were unwise to trust in those we trusted, to believe what we believed about them.

 

But, at least we had the guts to try, eh? Better to have loved and lost..

 

You are a gentleman. There is no shame in that. x

 

Thank you

 

You are right. I will be more cautious next time. If there IS a next time. Might just have flings for the rest of my life.

 

T

[utterer of lies]

First point. I am not going to start thinking that I am not 'that great' just because someone dumped me. What was missing was her love for me, in the end. And if I start believing that she fell out of love with me because I am intrinsically, unversilly and unalterably flawed, then I will probably NEVER recover from this. So I wont.

 

Sure, you're great. And I don't want you or anyone to think otherwise. Love for one-self is a great thing to have, and an important step of coping.

 

 

It's just that, being excellent myself in oh so many things, alarm bells immediately start ringing if I hear/read anyone else saying that about themselves.

[utterer of lies]

So the dumper is always in the right and the dumpee is always lacking somehow? Don't think it necessarily works that way.

 

Of course it doesn't. Don't imply too much

[stillafool]

...is it just me who feels like this? Why do I feel this?

 

I mean, I was an EXCELLENT boyfriend. Not in every way, but in all the important ways. I have been discarded.

 

My ex has 3 best friends, all female. One of her friends has a boyfriend (of 5 years) who has cheated on her TWICE. He has gone to hotels, stayed late at work, done the whole thing with these other girls...AND HE HAS NOT BEEN DUMPED by my ex's friend.

 

Another of my ex's friends has a boyfriend who people seem to suspect of being gay. I didnt know why...but he was caught on a gay dating site...THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER!

 

Me, on the other hand. I am fairly handsome, VERY supportive of my ex when we were together. I have a wide circle of friends and used to spend most but not all of my time with my ex. I used to go with her to work and help her carry her books. I got on GREAT with her parents and her extended family. All her friends really liked me. We had SO much fun together. We made each other laugh (I have never met any funnier girl than my ex). I used to pay for dinner (not all the time - my ex earned a bit more than me!). I did pretty much half the housework. And the sex was amazing...best I ever had by a long way. We were both so in love and close to each other.

 

I wasn't a doormat. You have to trust me on this because it might sound from the above that I was. When we first started going out, 5 YEARS ago, I made her chase me, despite the fact that she is absolutely gorgeous and a bit of a stunner (whereas I am just maybe a bit above average!).

 

I KNOW I have been dumped and that there is less than 1% chance of getting back together. I'm over that.

 

My point? I feel embarrassed. All her friends' boyfriends with their cheating and being possibly gay AND I AM THE ONE WHO IS DUMPED.

 

And that is why I feel humiliated.

 

Should I?

 

T

 

It sounds like your ex has a mind of her own and knows what she wants and doesn't want and when she is done isn't afraid to walk away. Her friends will put up with anything because they are insecure and "needy". You seem like a great guy and it won't be long before you are off the market. You have nothing to feel "humiliated" about. Good Luck.

[caramel c]

Well, if her friends are confused as to why you two broke up, they can ask her. If they think that there is more to it than what she's saying, they can keep interrogating her. At some point you have to release yourself from caring what these people think. It will drive you nuts.

[joseffrost]

Of course it doesn't. Don't imply too much

 

True - isn't implication the mother of all f**k ups? Or is that assumption?? D'oh!

[EmperorR]

Ah taucher, touching on what you said my ex was the same, she moved here to Canada from europe and did not even tell her ex bf that she was, she would tell me how her ex treated her horribly bla bla, looking back I was a sucker, should have realized any women who leaves their bf and moves halfway across the country can't be trusted. I won't be shocked now she's telling her current bf how horrible I was

[Els]

So what were her reasons?

 

Sorry to say but, not cheating and not being gay does not make you an EXCELLENT boyfriend. In fact I would say that those are the BARE MINIMUM requirements of even being A boyfriend. Goodness only knows why her friends are still with their guys; shows you the kind of people your ex mixed with at any rate.

 

Sorry, but I am actually very wary of anyone who claims to be an EXCELLENT (insert anything subjective e.g. lover, boyfriend, friend, etc).

[Taucher]

So what were her reasons?

 

Sorry to say but, not cheating and not being gay does not make you an EXCELLENT boyfriend. In fact I would say that those are the BARE MINIMUM requirements of even being A boyfriend. Goodness only knows why her friends are still with their guys; shows you the kind of people your ex mixed with at any rate.

 

Sorry, but I am actually very wary of anyone who claims to be an EXCELLENT (insert anything subjective e.g. lover, boyfriend, friend, etc).

 

Point taken. I was having feelings of anger when I wrote this. Of course I take responsibility for what I did wrong in the relationship and I wasn't excellent particularly, I do take that back.

 

But I think my thoughts about this are clouded by the nature of the break up. It was a shock to me (isnt it always though?!). She still has not given me any particular reason for breaking up apart from her feelings changed. Thats fine, it is her right. But I dont really have anything to assess, any of my behaviour to think about, well, nothing I consider serious anyway. Maybe THAT is my problem.

 

She still tells her friends that I was the most wonderful person ever, and keeps telling me that she will never find anyone like me again.

 

And I agree, anyone who says they are excellent at relationships are not to be trusted really, because no one is perfect, and if you think you are brilliant, then you are in denial about your own failings.

 

Ah taucher, touching on what you said my ex was the same, she moved here to Canada from europe and did not even tell her ex bf that she was, she would tell me how her ex treated her horribly bla bla, looking back I was a sucker, should have realized any women who leaves their bf and moves halfway across the country can't be trusted. I won't be shocked now she's telling her current bf how horrible I was

 

That's hard, but I guess that it is a cycle she is in which will repeat indefinitely unless she realises and tries to change. And when (if) she does change, she might assess you differently.

 

And you are out of her damaging cycle, which is probably better for you?

 

T