choklit Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 My emotions for the past few weeks have been awful, so erratic. I will never allow myself to enter another affair. This has been one confusing and painful experience. I wake up at 4am crying, I have no idea at times what I want or need to be happy, and just want to be left alone........from everyone. Lack of enough rest and loss of appetite. My H has done everything to give me those unmet needs I had for so long. And unfortunately, I cannot even receive it because I am terribly missing the OM. Also still resentful toward my H for the years of dealing with his negative moods, being mean and impatient toward the children and me, and ignoring me. Had no interest in making me happy until now, makes me feel extremely angry at times. About seven months ago, I had given up, and was at the point in which I was sloppy with the A and almost could care less if he even found out. Even before the A, I was emotionally checked out of my marriage. There are days in which I want to strive to save my marriage, other days I want to separate! My lack of consistency is not fair to my H. The OM/MM and I broke NC a few times, but I have refused his request to see me eight weeks ago and managed to ignore 2calls/1email received almost 3 weeks ago. How can I get over these feelings of withdrawal(10month A)? How can I let go of the resentment toward my H? How can I regain physical attraction toward my H that I lost a few years ago due to poor hygiene? Why was I more sexually open during the A than I have ever been with my spouse of 10years? Is that normal because the hygiene issues were not a problem in the beginning? I almost feel like my marriage is over and I am miserable. Currently switching counselors because I have found certain websites to be more helpful and have received conflicting info on several issues. I am praying, NC, staying busy, mc and ic, and nothing seems to be helping me.
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Forgiveness is the key. You have forgive your H for whatever he did, like he has apparently given you for the A. MC is a must or you are only wasting both of your time. IC for yourself will help you figure out why you feel the anger and why you chose the A as a way to cope.
Devil Inside Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 How can I get over these feelings of withdrawal(10month A)? How can I let go of the resentment toward my H? How can I regain physical attraction toward my H that I lost a few years ago due to poor hygiene? Why was I more sexually open during the A than I have ever been with my spouse of 10years? Is that normal because the hygiene issues were not a problem in the beginning? I am also a MM that recently ended a 10 month A. We have also had a hard time with NC, but I think we have finally closed the door. As for getting over the withdrawal I actually recently posted about how long it takes. The answers vary. I know that with every time you break NC it starts over. It is like ripping off the scab and starting the bleeding all over again. So maintain NC if you really want to start healing. The longest anyone has posted is about a year. I think it'll feel less and less painful with time. Letting go of resentment will depend on many things. I know one thing I did was make things with my wife seem worse then thy were when in my A, because I needed to justify why I was in an A. I wonder if maybe you still might be in that mode. Also, he has changed, maybe you just don't trust his changes and it'll take time. I also wonder if you resent your H because he is the reason you can no longer be with the OM. I know I have felt resentful to my W because she is not the OW. If sexual attraction is solely relate to hygiene, have you told him. I mean if that is the only thing it seems like an easy issue to address, especially if he knows it will help you in wanting to have sex. It may be other things too. One thing to be careful of is comparing sex with your H with sex with your OM. It will never be the same, and can't. Another thing is people are sexy when they feel sexy. Maybe if he felt you wanted him he would try harder. Either way sex is about communication...so respectfully tell him what you want...sounds like at one time it was good. As for sex during an A, I think that most people would agree it is always crazier, more exploitative, and better. The best sex of my lif, hands down, was with my xOW. I mean...out of this world. However I wonder how much was just because of it being forbidden. Or how much was because I spent several years starved for sex like that and she gave it to me. Kind of like when you're starving and the first thing you eat tastes like the best ever. Also, remember, As are like fantasies. You get to be the person you may have always wanted to be, but weren't with your spouse and parent of your children. With the A you don't have the stres of everyday life and can be a sex god/dess. I know I had this, me and my xOW met mostly in hotels on vacations away from our lives. Having sex all day in everyway possible is sometimes that logistically wouldn't happen in normal day to day life. I also think that after 10 years people change. People start to want and desire new things. Their sexual appetitie and desires change. I know women especially develop a hunger. Without communication men don't keep up. Our egos get in the way. We want to believe we are great lovers. If my A taught me anything about sex it's that being open to feedback makes you a great lover. Not technique. It's about an attitude, a hunger, making the other feel so wanted that you will rip off all their clothes and ravish them. It's about giving them what they want..and having the confidence to enjoy it all. Maybe your husband is ready to open a whole new door to his sexuality and the two of you can have better sex than you ever have. I hear in couples that communicate it gets better and better as you get older. Most of all hang in there. I know how bad it hurts...trust me. I too find mornings the worst. I also had my appetitie and sleep affected. I felt depressed. It is slowly getting better. I hope in time, it will be less debilitating and I can look back and apprecuate the experience fow what it taught me. Don't make any rash decisions. Give it a shot and get MC and IC. You and your family deserve a chance, besides you sacraficed your OM to make this work...so you might as well try. Keep posting for support if you need it. I know many on here will just criticze us...nut many can identify...like me.
confusedinkansas Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I know that with every time you break NC it starts over. It is like ripping off the scab and starting the bleeding all over again. So maintain NC if you really want to start healing. This is 100% accurate. I actually tried to be friends with my OM.... - What a joke that turned out to be. VERY hard lesson learned. Can't Be Done!! sex it's that being open to feedback makes you a great lover. Not technique. It's about an attitude, a hunger, making the other feel so wanted that you will rip off all their clothes and ravish them. It's about giving them what they want..and having the confidence to enjoy it all. This is good stuff.......I'm actually going to send this little tid-bit to my husband. Maybe he'll get the message. ____________________ choklit - we all have reasons for actually diving into an affair. Just because you break off the affair - does not mean that the things in your marriage automatically are fixed. The pain about the other man - Yep, it does subside over time (for me - a year) The affection for your husband....depending on how bad things were - Does come back! IF You want the marriage to continue (Trust me on this one - the issues with my husband were very much DIVORCABLE!!) I know that's not a word - but you get what I'm saying. Not sure about the MC thing - It worked for us for a minute.....we're a year past MC & none of it stuck! - So I'm not a huge advocate! But we all have to do what's best for our individual situations. Hang in there.......Post here when you need some advice. There are some of us that totally understand the pain you're feeling.
lkjh Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 If I read your old post correctly you never actually told your H about your affair. If you don't confess your marriage and sanity are doomed
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Block him so you won't read any of his emails and be tempted to write him back. And, somehow you need to deal with your own anger and resentment issues towards your husband, otherwise recovery is going to be alot harder.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 How can I get over these feelings of withdrawal(10month A)? How can I let go of the resentment toward my H? How can I regain physical attraction toward my H that I lost a few years ago due to poor hygiene? Why was I more sexually open during the A than I have ever been with my spouse of 10years? Is that normal because the hygiene issues were not a problem in the beginning? sorry, you are asking the wrong questions. Its clear you despise your husband, can't let go of the OM....so the question you should be asking is, "should I divorce my husband?". My answer, absolutely.......set him free, he doesn't deserve what you are doing to him.
Destiny28 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Choklit, I'm sorry you continue to hurt so deeply. Hang in there. It does get better and all takes time to heal. I know after I ended my EA I hurt for a very long time because I still felt so emotionally attached to the OM and had a hard time letting go of those feelings. But if you also look at the negative feelings you most likely experienced during the A like being deceitful, secretive, guilty, angry, depressed, etc they are not good feelings. Look at the A for what it truly was. Nothing more but an illusion and fantasy. I too experienced difficulty finding my H attractive right after my EA. It took time for the "fog goggles" to come off to realize I had everything I needed right in front of me. My H was more than willing to fill all needs but just needed to be reminded and actually "talk" to him about them.
pkn06002 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 It takes time and allow all the feelings you have to wash over you. Stay in NC and eventually it will pass. Journaling does help by getting all of those thoughts out of your head. Oh and ignore HOW Dexter made his comment, but do take to heart his message. Do you really want to stay married? Don't answer that question now because you can't you crave someone else. You can truly only answer that question once you get through the withdrawals.
Devil Inside Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Another thing occurred to me about resentment. I think that we often project how we feel about ourselves onto our spouses. It is easier to project those parts of me that I resent because I had an affair on my spouse. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for starters.
pkn06002 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 The idea that what attracted you to your spouse returns given time after an affair??? I don't totally agree with the notion, this does seem to be an individual thing. I guess you can develop feelings based on the idea that you have no other choices unless you are willing to divorce. Or some people really do redevelop those feelings, again a very individual thing. Take time and really reflect on what you need and if your marriage gives or can give it too you. But don't make any decisions while in the grieving period. Now your BS may make a decision but that is their right, like everyone has, to leave a relationship they are not happy with.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 You got to remember choklit you put yourself in this situation, when the time came to quit the affair when your husband found out, you didnt. You was making every excuse in the book to remain friends with him in case it didnt work out in your marriage. For as long as you keep the OM in your mind your withdrawl will be longer and you owe it to your husband to try. Are you a slave to your emotions. Arent you in control of yourself?
Hotchocolate Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Choklit, Devil - your posts were helpful to me and made me feel like I'm not the only one going thru this. I too have fallen out of love/not sexually attracted to my husband for a variety of reasons, the biggest being an anxiety disorder that he won't get help for (and I may have just married the wrong guy). For cultural reasons, he doesn't believe in divorce and wants to hold on to the marriage, but not neccessarily hold on to me (I think if someone switched out my soul he wouldn't notice). I find myself in this marital middle place where things aren't so horrible to warrant the pain and hassle factor of divorce (child, finances). However, I worry I will eventually find the emotional starvation so intolerable and our differences so great, that I will eventually have to leave to save myself. We're in MC, but not sure if this is helping us come closer or rather reveal our differences. Anyway, compounding all of this, I posted earlier about a colleague that I was falling for. Nothing physical happened, but there was definatley an unspoken emotional affair that had a more substantial impact than I would have expected. I will admit, I really wanted to get physical, and it was thrilling to find my mojo again. But, I stopped just short after seeing the carnage and collateral damage on LS. Point being, I am trying to limit my contact and emotionally pull the plug with my crush, but I know how hard it is, and in my case nothing physical happened. It's amazing how the affair fantasy fog can cloud your vision of the other person, the situation and also maybe what you really want. If it helps, here are the sobering questions I keep asking myself: 1) What do I really want out of an A? If I am brutally honest, my hope would be to find my soul mate because I don't have that now (yes, I know cheating is not the way to do this, save your lectures people). However, my crush I suspect is just bored with life and wants a little spice. I doubt he would want to hurt me, but he probably isn't sure what he even wants out of an A. I suspect I would be his cupcake, not the prime rib. That is not what I want. 2) If I did wind up with my crush, what would we look like 5 years from now - would I be just trading one situation for another? Right now, my crush and I spend all our time traveling in nice hotels, great food, wine and charming conversation. What would it look like if we're arguing over who is running to Target for paper towels, the budget or what's for dinner? Probably just as sexy as my current situation. Also, would I go from OW to BS (or vice versa) -- could we trust eachother given the circumstances? 3) Am I seeing my crush for who he really is, or is the lust/affair fog making me project all my fantasy man qualities onto him? For instance, I am wildly attracted to his patient, calm, collected demeanor -- the big gap I have with my H. However, I projecting some of my other character "wishes" onto him that he doesn't neccessarily have (maturity) and overlooking some of his character flaws (passive aggressive). Net net, taking this one day at a time and trying to keep myself on the rails. I do not know whether I'll stay married to my H or not -- I have to get this other guy out of my head to really assess. But the one conclusion I have come to is that if I do get into an A, the short term thrill will likely be at a high cost, and probably won't get me to where I want to be in the long term. Best of luck to both of you and thank you for posting.
Devil Inside Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Hotchocolate I think that it is not possible to really answer those questions while still married. The conclusion I have come to is...even if I were to D my W, I would have to spend some time alone before really being able to have judgment about another potential love interest. Point is...don't leave your M because of this OM, leave if and only if it's what you want, and looking at the potential of being alone and not with this guy. At least that's what I try to do. It's not easy. I am a lucky bastard in that my wife is willing to change and give me what I need. I just wasn't asking her for it...my xOW gave me the romance and sexuality I was starved for.
Author choklit Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Thank you for responses!! It helps to hear from those who have experienced this side. I definitely need to forgive my H and let go of this resentment. It was built up within me for over a year prior to the A. Strangely, forgiveness was always easy for me. I did make the dumb mistake of trying to remain friends with the OM due to having a good friendship between our families for more than 10years. We were attracted to each other when we first met and we both knew how to keep a safe and appropriate distance. BUT, we ruined our relationships. YES, I was very honest with my H in the past regarding exactly what I needed from him and was very specific. How I was uninterested in sex due to hygiene issues. Yes, those issues have changed but there have been effects which most likely will not change. I have made suggestions on that particular area but still struggling to convince him. The OM and I never had intentions to leave our spouses due to each other. For him, leaving during "in sickness and in health" would be awful and would place his family in financial struggle and so much more(knowing him for this long, I am confident he feels this way). He is caregiver/sole provider. This is what is helping me with the NC because his W(we were friends so this is true) needs him now more than ever and I do NOT want to interfere with not being there 100%, we have been very unfair to our spouses. And I honestly believe her worsened state is due to stress. We love our spouses and children, we were being selfish. I am sure he could get over the guilt of the A versus leaving. This was my decision to end it, not his. We had those selfish thoughts of providing each other with a little excitement and satisfy certain unmet needs. And had the dumb idea we would control our emotions versus becoming dependent and never get caught. We both experience extreme guilt and the withdrawal is difficult. I need to either be at home 100% or leave to no longer be unfair to my H, I do not consider being with the OM an option.
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