Vet Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Nor was my post an attempt to justify the right or wrong in doing so. But I hope you're not disputing the fact that, barely out of high school, we ask them to go. Nope, not disputing it, just thought I'd point out (as an aside) that your logic doesn't hold water: just because we send 18-year-olds to war doesn't mean it's right, so using that age as a justification for other behaviors (drinking, getting married, or having extracurricular relationships with coaches) doesn't make those behaviors right by correlation. Then since we are talking about kids of high-school age, what does your concerns about your younger child have to do with this? I'm assuming that, as they get older, you'll allow them more unsupervised adult interactions... Mr. Lucky Hey, you posed the question. I just answered.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 so using that age as a justification for other behaviors (drinking, getting married, or having extracurricular relationships with coaches) doesn't make those behaviors right by correlation. Your insinuation is an insult to every one that invests their time in working with kids. Shame on you. Up until a few years ago, my wife taught 5th grade in one of the highest risk schools in the large metro area where we live. Out of 22 students in her last year, do you know how many lived in a conventional nuclear family with Mom and Dad? Exactly four. The other 80% lived with a single parent, Grandma, Mom's rotating boyfriend, foster care, etc. And as those kids grow up without role models and positive examples, any rewarding interaction with a caring adult that takes the time to reach becomes more and more valuable. With some kids, it's the difference in the path they choose. But maybe you're right. Perhaps we should turn our backs on them. Nothing bad could happen to them after 4:00 pm, right? And there is that network of malt shops, Father Flannagan style boy's towns and well-funded government programs to pick up the slack anyway... Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Shall the OP sacrifice herself and her marriage at the altar of her husband's student athletes? That's the real issue here, philanthropy, good will and compassion aside.
angie2443 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Shall the OP sacrifice herself and her marriage at the altar of her husband's student athletes? That's the real issue here, philanthropy, good will and compassion aside. This is about what it is. I couldn't do it. I hope the OP is doing better.
Vet Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Your insinuation is an insult to every one that invests their time in working with kids. Shame on you. Up until a few years ago, my wife taught 5th grade in one of the highest risk schools in the large metro area where we live. Out of 22 students in her last year, do you know how many lived in a conventional nuclear family with Mom and Dad? Exactly four. The other 80% lived with a single parent, Grandma, Mom's rotating boyfriend, foster care, etc. And as those kids grow up without role models and positive examples, any rewarding interaction with a caring adult that takes the time to reach becomes more and more valuable. With some kids, it's the difference in the path they choose. Absolutely nothing you said in this post has anything to do with carrying on relationships (let's call a spade a spade) with children after hours. Teachers, with your wife included, don't need to converse with these kids 24/7 to be able to influence them in a very positive way. In no way has my position in this thread denigrated the very valuable work they do, so save your right indignation.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Shall the OP sacrifice herself and her marriage at the altar of her husband's student athletes? That's the real issue here, philanthropy, good will and compassion aside. The OP posted that her H has said that he would only coach one season in the future. Perhaps a successful compromise can be worked out... Mr. Lucky
Mz. Pixie Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Your insinuation is an insult to every one that invests their time in working with kids. Shame on you. Up until a few years ago, my wife taught 5th grade in one of the highest risk schools in the large metro area where we live. Out of 22 students in her last year, do you know how many lived in a conventional nuclear family with Mom and Dad? Exactly four. The other 80% lived with a single parent, Grandma, Mom's rotating boyfriend, foster care, etc. And as those kids grow up without role models and positive examples, any rewarding interaction with a caring adult that takes the time to reach becomes more and more valuable. With some kids, it's the difference in the path they choose. But maybe you're right. Perhaps we should turn our backs on them. Nothing bad could happen to them after 4:00 pm, right? And there is that network of malt shops, Father Flannagan style boy's towns and well-funded government programs to pick up the slack anyway... Mr. Lucky I agree with Mr. Lucky. My husband is the same kind of coach that the poster's is and just as dedicated. For the season our lives are upside down. He's a teacher as well but the total that his sport brings in for us is ridiculously low- and it doesn't begin to even cover the gas he uses coaching these kids. First of all, these texts are surely not personal. The ones my husband gets are "Is practice tomorrow? What time?" Those kinds of questions. Any emails are sent directly to the parents so he is not emailing with kids. Kids have cell phones now when they didn't have them before- and in high school many of them are driving themselves as well back and forth to practice. I don't think people understand the relationships you have with these kids. You coach these kids four years- and sometimes you have their siblings as well. When I first got together with my H- I was determined that I would not get attatched to these kids. Wrong- you can't help but do it. They come to my house to parties for the beginning of the season and Christmas- they know my children-and we know their struggles. There have been countless times when some of the parents didn't have money for equipment, fees, and the assortment of things you need to participate in the sport. Every time my husband finds a way to get these things paid for- whether by fundraising or by paying for it out of our pocket. Some of the kids live in homes without carpet. They don't have coats in the winter, new shoes, clothing etc. They've never been on vacation. Many times there are no dads in the home- or they are in abusive situations. Mom is a drunk and can't even make sure they get to school in time everyday. He keeps up with their grades- and helps them with tutors if they need it for their subjects. He tries to keep them out of trouble- he busts his butt to help them get scholarships to college. To change their lives. Just this week- one of our kids where we've had the entire family? Well his birth mom hasn't seen him since he was seven. He's 17 and works at a fast food place and she came in there last week. She said "Don't I know you?" and he said "No, you don't". His own mother didn't know who he was. This is a kid who is not getting support at home- but he can always runs his problems by coach who will try to help the best he can. They come to him with their problems- they depend on him- they respect him. It's a high calling. I don't deny that there are people out there who are not doing it for the right reasons- and there are perverts out there. That makes me angry because it makes the whole profession look bad- and it's not. Some of the kids would probably fall by the wayside if it weren't for my husband, I know they would. Some of them still have- but if we can help a few make a success out of their lives- then it is worth the effort that's put in.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 This is a kid who is not getting support at home- but he can always runs his problems by coach who will try to help the best he can. They come to him with their problems- they depend on him- they respect him. It's a high calling. I don't deny that there are people out there who are not doing it for the right reasons- and there are perverts out there. That makes me angry because it makes the whole profession look bad- and it's not. Some of the kids would probably fall by the wayside if it weren't for my husband, I know they would. Some of them still have- but if we can help a few make a success out of their lives- then it is worth the effort that's put in. As you said, it's not a vocation, for many it's a calling. My wife spent 30% of her take-home pay on everything from Christmas trees to eyeglasses to Rid (for the uninitiated, it's an anti-head lice shampoo). These caring people are the only safety net some kids have. And believe me, the ones that slip through the cracks fall a long way... Mr. Lucky
Mz. Pixie Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Shall the OP sacrifice herself and her marriage at the altar of her husband's student athletes? That's the real issue here, philanthropy, good will and compassion aside. No, she shouldn't. There needs to be some boundaries here. A friend of ours is a close coaching buddy of hubby's. He implemented team moms on his teams to cut down on the communications between himself, kids or parents. My husband started that this year and I can tell you it's already made a huge difference. Sure there are still calls- but we just don't answer after 8:30 or so. They need to compromise on this issue. She needs to be willing to bend and he does as well. It's going to be harder for them though considering their work schedules are not the same etc.
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Here's what I'd like to see. Irrespective of the needs of the students, after normal working hours, H needs to prioritize a block of time with W outside of her normal working hours. She does the same. That's it. Just do it. No other considerations. That's what makes for a healthy marriage. The trick is the conscious prioritization of one's spouse. IME, nothing kills an emotional attachment/connection/interest quicker than feeling like one is somewhere down around the dog poop in priority. Hope they work it out
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