My husband's coaching causes me pain -

[bizbee]

Hi all. A few years ago, I came here and got some really good feedback in reference to things that were going on in my life at the time. Suddenly, I've found myself with a different set of problems and had no where to turn, but to the LoveShack.

 

My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years. He coaches Track and Cross Country at a local high school. At the time that I got involved with him, I understood that he coached, but I didn't understand the extent to which he loves it. Now, over 1 1/2 years into the marriage, it is really putting a strain on me.

 

It seems that when his seasons come a long, which is just about always, except for a couple of months in the winter, our life is abruptly changed and our relationship suffers due to the lack of time spent together. Not only that, but the devotion he puts to the kids is almost sickening to me. They are always texting, calling and emailing. With modern technology it seems that there is never a clear cut off to it, it's 24/7.

 

I understand the he loves the sport and he is a great coach, but I honestly believe he loves the sport more than he loves me and would give me up for the coaching.

 

We started running together a while back to try to spend more time together because our work schedules are already conflicting. However, I see the running coming to an end too.

 

DH tried to get me to go out to the practices to run with him and the team, but that doesn't appeal to me at all. Other than, our 8 kids (that's not a typo-we blended a family), I really need some ADULT time when I work out. I love kids, obviously, but I want to spend my work out time with people my age or older. Plus, even as a child I have been fond of older people, probably since I was an only child and hung mostly around adults.

 

Anyway, he has vowed to coach until he dies, so it is something I have to be prepared for. In my heart, I want to spend time with him, but coaching is not my thing, especially teenagers that are not mine. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but I believe the best way for me to be supportive of him is to stay out of his way, cut off my emotions and go about my own desires.

 

It is hard for me to draw that conclusion because more than anything, I would like to spend a large portion of my time with my husband. However, the coaching thing just isn't working out on my end.

 

I suggested in the past that I get involved and do something on the back end to help him with the coaching so that perhaps I could feel connected. But that isn't working out because I am not involved in any capacity and still feel like an outsider.

 

I would love to hear all suggestions and comments. I have an open mind and am willing to try something that I haven't tried before.

 

Thanks,

Natalie

[LakesideDream]

Probably not a great idea to change the terms of the contract a year and a half later eh? Sounds like your H is a great guy, who works hard in a very shakey world situation economy. Coaching at the High School level is a "second job", brings in extra money beyond the regular teaching gig. With 8 children depending, doesen't sound like he has much choice.

 

Compaired to so many peoples problems yours seems trivial. A great guy, works hard, loves kids...

 

Oh well. takes all kinds.

[Enema]

You have expectations from a partner and he has recreation needs. Neither of you shouldn't have to compromise because it's what you both need.

 

What would an ideal situation for you be? Him to cut back on track and hang out with you more? Probably not going to happen.

 

What would be an ideal situation for him? You to stop being possessive of his time and let him do his thing? Probably not going to happen.

 

You guys don't sound like a good fit. The kids makes it really messy. How long were you together before getting married? It mustn't have been a long time or you would have noticed he was this way and nipped the relationship in the bud.

[LakesideDream]

You have expectations from a partner and he has recreation needs. Neither of you shouldn't have to compromise because it's what you both need. .

 

 

Enema, In this situation "his" "recreation" needs are a part of his profession. Coaching is probably what gaurentee's his job. My daughter (30) is a teacher in California, sweating out firings. She's trying to get an extra gig as a swim coach (she teaches History).

 

Teachers are not the most secure people these days.

[Trialbyfire]

bizbee, who's watching the eight kids, when he's off coaching 24/7 and it's time for you to work out or do something on your own? Also, how many children are yours and how many are his?

[boldjack]

TBF, maybe some of the kids are older and can help baby-sit.

[bizbee]

Enema, In this situation "his" "recreation" needs are a part of his profession. Coaching is probably what gaurentee's his job. My daughter (30) is a teacher in California, sweating out firings. She's trying to get an extra gig as a swim coach (she teaches History).

 

Teachers are not the most secure people these days.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

Actually, he is not a teacher at all. This is a second job, but the income is not even worth it, it is so minute and taxes eat it up.

 

He coaches because he loves, loves, loves it.

 

- Natalie

[LakesideDream]

That invaldates my opinion completely. Ignore my posts. Obviously I assumed that he was a teacher, part time coach for a school.

 

Sorry,

[bizbee]

bizbee, who's watching the eight kids, when he's off coaching 24/7 and it's time for you to work out or do something on your own? Also, how many children are yours and how many are his?

 

Thanks for asking.

 

Fortunately, we have opposing work schedules, so that we can take turns keeping the kids. For example, he works days and I work nights. Our days off are different, too. We had a baby 14 months ago and have been able to manage each of us working a full time job with no daycare or sitters. I feel very blessed in that aspect.

 

He had 3 before our marriage and I had 4, plus we have one together. His 3 do not live in our house full time. They range in age from 1 to 20.

 

If we need to work out together, my mother lives a mile away and babysits for an hour or so. There is also, a nursery at the gym, if we workout there.

 

It's a balancing act, as far as the kids go, but we do not have any issues as far as they go. It is a full house and we love it that way. Of course, we do not plan on having any more, even though a part of me always will want another one.

 

- Natalie

[bizbee]

bizbee, who's watching the eight kids, when he's off coaching 24/7 and it's time for you to work out or do something on your own? Also, how many children are yours and how many are his?

 

Also, just to clarify, it's the emails, phone calls, texting, fixation, etc. that runs 24/7. The coaching is mainly in the afternoons, so, as stated in a previous post, I keep the kids while he is coaching. From time to time three is an overlap and I may have to go to work on my evening shift, in that case my mother keeps 5 of them for about an hour until he comes home.

 

Thanks again,

Natalie

[bizbee]

That invaldates my opinion completely. Ignore my posts. Obviously I assumed that he was a teacher, part time coach for a school.

 

Sorry,

 

No need to apologize. That is a very logical assumption and usually the first thing that people ask when I tell them he is a high school coach.

[bizbee]

You have expectations from a partner and he has recreation needs. Neither of you shouldn't have to compromise because it's what you both need.

 

What would an ideal situation for you be? Him to cut back on track and hang out with you more? Probably not going to happen.

 

What would be an ideal situation for him? You to stop being possessive of his time and let him do his thing? Probably not going to happen.

 

You guys don't sound like a good fit. The kids makes it really messy. How long were you together before getting married? It mustn't have been a long time or you would have noticed he was this way and nipped the relationship in the bud.

 

We were together less than a year before we got married. He was single for 9 years and I was single for about 2.

 

He says he is going to cut back to only coaching 1/2 a year, but only after he finishes out this year. We'll see.

 

I don't consider myself possessive at all. Our schedules conflict so much that we only have three evenings a week together. So, by the time he comes home from coaching we have a couple of hours before he goes to bed. That equates to approximately 6 hours a week during season!

 

It saddens me to not have quality time with him. During the off season we may get 18-20 hours a week of togetherness, which satisfies that need.

 

Every other aspect of our relationship is pretty good. The coaching, which I see as taking a way from our time, is the only thing that is building resentment.

 

- Natalie

[bizbee]

Not only that, but the devotion he puts to the kids is almost sickening to me. They are always texting, calling and emailing. With modern technology it seems that there is never a clear cut off to it, it's 24/7.

 

To clarify, the 'devotion' to the kids he coaches, which has a time value, is what bothers me. I respect the fact that he loves children. My whole issue is about the amount of TIME he takes up during the training seasons, which doesn't quit when practice is done because there are the texts, calls, emails, research, etc. that come nights, weekends and holidays.

[bizbee]

 

DH tried to get me to go out to the practices to run with him and the team, but that doesn't appeal to me at all. Other than, our 8 kids (that's not a typo-we blended a family), I really need some ADULT time when I work out.

 

I just want time with my husband...not my husband and his track or cross country team. I get plenty of quality time with my kids. There is just a lack of balance with my partner. And of course, with most of my day / life taken up caring for my own children, the hour my husband and I spend running together 2-3 times a week offers us some much needed bonding.

 

Oh, well, it seems that life is like a yo-yo. Like I said earlier, I can accept DH's coaching more, if I just stay out of that aspect of his life.

 

With the children and homeschooling, I can tune him out. I know that doesn't help the situation, but it helps me to deal with not spending time with my husband.

[Vet]

Not only that, but the devotion he puts to the kids is almost sickening to me. They are always texting, calling and emailing. With modern technology it seems that there is never a clear cut off to it, it's 24/7.

 

I can't be the only one that sees a very valid problem with this--students and teachers or coaches should not be conversing with each other outside of school, practices, or competitions. I find it very inappropriate that he would be texting, calling, and emailing with his students. If he needs to get a hold of a student, he needs to be going through their parents. Period. This is not only to protect the students, but also himself (and his family) from allegations of improper conduct (even if they aren't true). I would put my foot down on this behavior immediately.

[CarrieT]

I can't be the only one that sees a very valid problem with this--students and teachers or coaches should not be conversing with each other outside of school, practices, or competitions. I find it very inappropriate that he would be texting, calling, and emailing with his students. If he needs to get a hold of a student, he needs to be going through their parents. Period. This is not only to protect the students, but also himself (and his family) from allegations of improper conduct (even if they aren't true). I would put my foot down on this behavior immediately.

 

Totally concur. The 24/7 stuff that is being described is bordering on creepy to me and would make me question what else is going on his this guy's brain that he is in contact with these kids that much.

[bizbee]

I can't be the only one that sees a very valid problem with this--students and teachers or coaches should not be conversing with each other outside of school, practices, or competitions. I find it very inappropriate that he would be texting, calling, and emailing with his students. If he needs to get a hold of a student, he needs to be going through their parents. Period. This is not only to protect the students, but also himself (and his family) from allegations of improper conduct (even if they aren't true). I would put my foot down on this behavior immediately.

 

I totally agree with you in that there should be a clear cut off and that it is inappropriate to be texting, calling and emailing kids. I am a firm believer in going through the parents. We have argued about that before, but he insists on communicating with the runners outside of practice. That is definitely one of the things that bothers me, too.

 

And since I do have several kids of my own. I would be weirded out if a coach contacted my kids in the same manner. I've told him that several times.

 

I'm glad you see that point, as well.

[bizbee]

Totally concur. The 24/7 stuff that is being described is bordering on creepy to me and would make me question what else is going on his this guy's brain that he is in contact with these kids that much.

 

Agreed totally. I think it is creepy too, and wouldn't want coaches doing that to my kids either. However, the texts, emails and calls are all related to running.

 

He is just the most dedicated coach you have ever seen in your life. He eats, sleeps and breathes it to the point where it is overbearing.

 

So, to balance it out, I guess I need to indulge in my own activity. Then I'll never see him and fear that our marriage will totally deteriorate.

[carhill]

OP, after your H divorced and then was single, how many women did he date? Did he have any STR/LTR during that period? I'm thinking he got entrenched in a certain mindset and you came along and validated it, so he's not going to change. I see men like this all the time. It's only when their wives reach a state of independence where the man isn't that pivotal to their lives that they choose to go or escalate their desires for equity.

 

I'd say a good start at equity, and something he can do quite easily, is to limit contact with his charges to hours when they are actually practicing/participating in events. IMO, that's a great boundary and would promote a positive response in yourself. Suggest it. Tell him precisely what you need and how this action could help you. Be clear. Men like specifics.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't be the only one that sees a very valid problem with this--students and teachers or coaches should not be conversing with each other outside of school, practices, or competitions. I find it very inappropriate that he would be texting, calling, and emailing with his students. If he needs to get a hold of a student, he needs to be going through their parents. Period. This is not only to protect the students, but also himself (and his family) from allegations of improper conduct (even if they aren't true). I would put my foot down on this behavior immediately.

And I'm somewhat frustrated by your overly PC take on the situation. I've never been a head coach but have assisted others in several sports. You underestimate both the time committed and the positive influence that sports and coaching present to kids. There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about a high school coach contacting his atheletes on nights or weekends to discuss their training, results and plans. If our only goal in life is to proyect ourselves from improper allegations, then we're all in trouble...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

I'm hearing that the OP feels her H is prioritizing his students/athletes over their marriage. That's my concern, not the appropriateness of the contact. He can become single and contact them all he wants and not have to worry about priorities. I see that in his future

[Vet]

And I'm somewhat frustrated by your overly PC take on the situation. I've never been a head coach but have assisted others in several sports. You underestimate both the time committed and the positive influence that sports and coaching present to kids. There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about a high school coach contacting his atheletes on nights or weekends to discuss their training, results and plans. If our only goal in life is to proyect ourselves from improper allegations, then we're all in trouble...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Political correctness has nothing to do with the topic at hand, nor does your attempt to use it as a red herring bring anything to the discussion.

 

There is absolutely no reason for an adult to be communicating with his or her students after hours. On the rare occasion that there is something important to communicate, they need to be contacting parents. Anything else is inappropriate, especially when it's constant as the OP indicated.

 

Also in response to your last sentence: It is not our only goal in life to protect ourselves from improper allegations, but this is a straw man argument--I never said it was our only goal. However, it is a very important thing to protect yourself and especially your family from unnecessary risks. This is one of them. Were I in the OP's situation, I would be putting my foot down on this.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow, a red herring and a straw man, both in the same response.

 

I'm simply going to guess that you've never been involved in this type of activity (I mean coaching, not the lurid trappings that you attempt to associate with it). Had you participated, you'd know that your standard of "absolutely no reason for an adult to be communicating with his or her students after hours" isn't correct, possible or desired by the participants or their parents.

 

Here's a question for the OP:

 

How many of the parents of your H's atheletes have contacted you or the school to ask that he stop communicating with their kids with this "inappropriate" contact?

 

Mr. Lucky

[angie2443]

How many of the parents of your H's atheletes have contacted you or the school to ask that he stop communicating with their kids with this "inappropriate" contact?

Mr. Lucky

 

How many of them know?

[Chubbi]

And I'm somewhat frustrated by your overly PC take on the situation. I've never been a head coach but have assisted others in several sports. You underestimate both the time committed and the positive influence that sports and coaching present to kids. There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about a high school coach contacting his atheletes on nights or weekends to discuss their training, results and plans. If our only goal in life is to proyect ourselves from improper allegations, then we're all in trouble...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I just want to point out Mr. Lucky is true here. My highschool and college teachers always gave us their phone numbers, email addresses, facebook information, even the street they live on etc etc. They have told us to not call them at 2am talking about a paper or leaving late homework in front of their door since students have done that. I have professors that go drinking with their students or playing Wii. They do encourage their students to come and talk to them about issues- eating disorders, cutting, feeling blase about school, depression, abuse, peer pressure anytime

 

From what I read your H is an excellent coach, I would bet his students ask him all kinds of questions. Great teachers and coaches are not only that but also are guidance counsellors, advisors, and friends with the upmost respect. Students will even invite him to go places with them. My peers love our best teachers and would want their input on a variety of subjects. I am pretty sure coaches recieve the same amount of esteem.

 

I've never seen it from your side though OP. I guess the time commitment would be frustrating. I'm not saying it's right. I just wanted to point out students talk to their teachers/coaches after hours for a variety of reasons. Sometimes your coach would seem like the only person you can feel safe talking to...