Brown_Eyed_Girl Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been exclusively dating for just about six months. We are both in our late 20s. It has been a great relationship in many respects. He is affectionate, attentive, makes me feel safe, and is fun to be with. I like his family, he likes mine, and we've been talking about living together and eventually getting married. I thought things were going really well. He bought a beautiful piece of jewelry for my birthday and was so excited he couldn't wait until the big day to give it to me. But then my birthday actually rolled around, and he decided to have some drinks. He got sort of obnoxious and kept trying to get me to drink more and to "have fun." I was having a good time, but he quickly ruined that mood, and when I told him maybe he'd had too much drink, he got upset, accused me of being judgmental, and said we should break up. If it hadn't been my birthday, and if I didn't know how he truly felt about me (based on what he had been saying all along when sober), I would have walked out right then and there. But we worked it out, I told him how much he'd hurt me by saying what he did, and he apologized. All was good, until just four days later. After a late night of talking over IM about some pretty serious (but positive) stuff, he apparently got his nose out of joint that I wasn't pushing him to come stay the night with me and skip work the next day. He thought I was putting my career ahead of our relationship. And he showed up at my house at 3 in the morning not to take me up on my invitation for a late night romp, but to tell me that perhaps I should focus on my career. That's when I realized he'd had some drinks. We stayed up until 5, I told him how much he'd hurt me, and that this was the last time something like this would happen, because the next time I would end it. He agreed and the next morning said he was sorry, that alcohol makes him emotional and that's why he doesn't drink very often, and that he would stop because he didn't want to hurt me or lose me. When he is sober, which has been every night but three or four nights since we first started dating, he is supportive, affectionate, fun, and loving. These issues seem to have come out of nowhere. But these last two incidents have me wondering whether I am destined for more problems, and whether it's time to end the relationship. Could really use some advice, thoughts, kind words...
Girlygirl1977 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I think something doesn't smell right. There is also that saying - In Vino Veritas. . .I don't think he is benig less honest when he has been drinking. I think his subconscious thoughts are being verbalized. Something isn't right. . .your instincts are telling you something.
NightLord1 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 If this just started happening recently and he was fine up until not too long ago then maybe something is going on with him. Could be the serious stuff is beginning to sink in more and more and he is afraid if it gets that way it will screw up everything you guys have had thus far. Or could be he is afraid of commitment and is attempting to sabotage it by doing these things. I would say talk to him about this and see what he has to say. If it continues then yes walk away from it and be sure to tell him why. I wouldn't walk unless it continues however because you may never know what it really is unless you have a talk about it. Just be more on your guard and try to have a one on one with him to see whats up. Regards,
mickleb Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Yes, love, I can see that you do need some advice. You poor thing. This is a very tricky one. He does need to get some help. Some people are, basically, allergic to alcohol. It's a very crap condition to get stuck with because there's so much social pressure to be able to relax with a drink, or two, from time to time. Honest to God, I knew (he was a flatmate) a massive French guy, who, after a half of lager, at about 7pm in the evening, started pole-dancing - in a RUGBY PUB (I only tell you this in the hope of making you smile, just a little).. But he would get this out-of-control every time he drank. You are in such a tough position: he's a great guy.. but he's got this problem.. and you've only know him for 6 months.. but he takes the problem out on you.. AND you are, probably, the last person who can help him with it. (That's no judgement on you, just how it, usually, is in situations like this). I would advise you to end it but consider giving him a life-line, of some kind. Some very boundaried access to remain in communication with you - but at a distance. (Maybe a mailed letter / reply once a month - like a pen pal?) You could try this for a set amount of time and explain you are hoping he will get the help he needs. He may, of course, choose not to and you will then have to let him be. I feel for your situation. I think this is a very tough call on your part but I think you know it's time for action, now. I hope this helps in some way and really wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted and take care. x
Author Brown_Eyed_Girl Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Thanks for the replies. We talked some more yesterday evening, and I was feeling much better about things. He acknowledges that alcohol affects him badly, and that he is going to stop. He reassured me that he is committed to and loves me, is excited about moving in together, and all of that. But these two incidents, so close in time, have made me feel very gunshy, and now I need some more time to see whether he was serious about not drinking before we take our relationship to the next level.
Recommended Posts