SATC - Better to marry a man who loves you more than you love him -- True or not?

[conehead]

First, I have to agree that Chris Noth while gained a few pounds, still looks good for his age! lol That being said, I guess his character was the type of guy who I would never want to date. I think it's rather safe to argue that carrie loved big more than he loved her...and in doing so, it gave Big more power and ended up really hurting carrie. I mean, that really sucks. I dated guys I liked more before and the feeling just sucks. I think men prefer it for them to love the girl more.

[You'reasian]

Scientific studies have proven that BOTH men and women are happier in a relationship in which the man perceives the woman as a step above him, a "catch". My own experience has shown me that a man who clearly views me as a rung or two above him (on the "ladder", as he personally defines it) treats me very well and makes me feel secure and happy

 

In relationships in which the man seemed to need me just a little more than I needed him, we were both much happier.

 

Which studies?

 

I've found that the less I care about women, the more interested they are. Even more interesting is when I have a girlfriend, I'm suddenly attractive - but when I'm single, I'm boring/lame lol

[Woggle]

Which studies?

 

I've found that the less I care about women, the more interested they are. Even more interesting is when I have a girlfriend, I'm suddenly attractive - but when I'm single, I'm boring/lame lol

 

Very true. In most cases the more a man loves a woman the less she loves him. In most cases a man has to constantly keep stringing her along to keep her interested. A woman marrying a man like this just leads to her having an affair with some scumbag down the road and dropping the divorce bomb on him.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Very true. In most cases the more a man loves a woman the less she loves him. In most cases a man has to constantly keep stringing her along to keep her interested. A woman marrying a man like this just leads to her having an affair with some scumbag down the road and dropping the divorce bomb on him.

 

QFT!!!

 

The way I see things is that the more a man is emotionally open to a woman she'll somehow take advantage of that. It happened to me. matter of fact it keeps happening to me. whereas I try to open up emotionally and I get stabbed in the heart. So I just closed myself off emotionally, I'd just have fun and have sex, but as far as emotional intimacy goes, if she doesnt open to me, why should I? why would I try at all?

[carhill]

I learned a trick, one borne of many lonely years.... when I get a whiff of that emotional distance thing now, I shut it down pronto. Scorched earth, no recourse. I do this for two reasons; firstly, to maintain my personal health and, secondly, to allocate my valuable time and energy to spend on people who are compatible. I don't get mad; I'm not hurt. I'm merely done. Next. I really no longer care what circumstances brought about the dynamic. I just know it's unhealthy for me.

 

I don't even bother with the sex part. Why waste myself on an incompatible person?

[Chicago_Guy]

I think this is absolutely true. Generally speaking, women are looking for one long-term, high-quality, loyal partner. Men, generally speaking, are more inclined to seek a selection of sexual partners -- you know, "variety".

 

Scientific studies have proven that BOTH men and women are happier in a relationship in which the man perceives the woman as a step above him, a "catch". My own experience has shown me that a man who clearly views me as a rung or two above him (on the "ladder", as he personally defines it) treats me very well and makes me feel secure and happy.

 

In relationships in which the man seemed to need me just a little more than I needed him, we were both much happier.

 

There's a big difference between (a) a woman being more attractive than a man, and (b) a man loving a woman more than she lives him. I don't think too many men would want a woman who loved them less than they loved the woman.

[Chicago_Guy]

I don't think he looks bad. He looks happy, content. So he's a little overweight. So what.

 

Wow, he's fat and out-of-shape. I guess it isn't too bad for a man his age, but he should probably keep his shirt on.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is really a question of semantics. There's no real way to measure how much one person loves another, and the definition of love is subjective and personal to the individual.

 

The point is that relationships are happier and more harmonious for BOTH the man and woman when they are weighted slightly in favor of the man viewing the woman as a "catch" and the woman feeling that she is treated like one -- and not the other way around.

 

Men, in general, like to admire and adore, and women like to be admired and adored. When you turn that around and get into a situation in which the woman is admiring and adoring the man more, it causes problems.

 

Now, in the relationships I've had in which I was treated well consistently, I loved my partner all the more. In fact, the safety and security intrinsic to the relationship made me feel more loved, and safer in giving and expressing my love. It is only when I feel truly safe with a man that I allow myself to indulge in the full expression of love. When I do not feel secure because I am not being treated well, I naturally protect myself more, and that means not expressing love as openly.

 

YMMV.

[Ariadne]

relationships are happier and more harmonious for BOTH the man and woman when they are weighted slightly in favor of the man viewing the woman as a "catch"

 

This has been the experience in most of my relationships. The men were gaga or tending to me because they were so in love.

 

I have never been dumped by a guy in my life.

 

(I have been rejected by men I was obsessed with, though).

 

Those relationships didn't have a chance in hell, none of them.

 

I ended up treating them with the most disdain, to the point that I couldn't stand being in the same room with them.

[Isolde]

Of course requited, reciprocated love is what every man and woman needs. I don't think men handle unrequited love any better than women do; in fact, I think women are generally better able to deal with it.

 

Obviously I'm not encouraging imbalanced relationships! I'm just saying I don't understand why some women shy away from caring about a guy so much. So if he doesn't care enough back, move on and don't invest. But sometimes love does involve risk too.

[GoodOnPaper]

Men, in general, like to admire and adore, and women like to be admired and adored. When you turn that around and get into a situation in which the woman is admiring and adoring the man more, it causes problems.

 

My marriage is a turned-around situation in this regard and as the man, my satisfaction level is low. But if the man is the one more in love, isn't there a fine line between the woman feeling adored and feeling that her partner isn't enough of a challenge? Especially if she knows she has a higher dating market value than her partner?

[carhill]

Buh bye and enjoy that higher dating market power. That's a challenge I'll take. I mean, why even be with someone who thinks of themselves in those terms? Just by 'knowing', they've intrinsically settled and insulted the person who loves them at the same time.

[Ruby Slippers]

I must not be communicating very well in this thread.

 

I'm not talking about a huge disparity, where the guy thinks he's a bum and she's a queen. But I think when the guy snags a gal who's a little beyond what he thought he could find, that has a much better chance of sealing the deal for the man, keeping him invested and faithful, and so on.

 

My best and most closely bonded relationship was with a guy who let me know, in a flattering and positive way, that he thought I was out of his league -- not leaps and bounds out of his league, but a little out of his reach. He framed this in a "damn, I got lucky, and I can't stop grinnin' about it" kind of way, rather than a "you're better than me, and I suck" way.

 

I felt his love, fondness, respect, and appreciation in everything we did together, and I gave it right back. I never lost respect for him for expressing his feelings on the matter -- on the contrary, I appreciated his honesty and was touched by his openness.

 

I was able to indulge completely in my love and appreciation for him, and that brought out his best even more. We both felt like we were glowing all the time. It was a trip.

 

I certainly didn't agree that I was out of his league. I've never felt more confident, loved, and beautiful in my life as I did when I was with him. As a result of walking around feeling like a sex bomb, I got flirted with by other men constantly, but my response to all that attention was just to grin and feel lucky for having such a great love in my life. I never would have dreamed of stepping out on him.

[Ariadne]

"damn, I got lucky, and I can't stop grinnin' about it"

lucky for having such a great love in my life.

I never would have dreamed of stepping out on him.

 

So I take it that you loved him as much as he loved you, and that he felt lucky you were cute or sexy.

 

I agree also that it's practically impossible to love someone when you know you are not loved back. You always have to believe that you are loved.

[Isolde]

So I take it that you loved him as much as he loved you, and that he felt lucky you were cute or sexy.

 

I agree also that it's practically impossible to love someone when you know you are not loved back. You always have to believe that you are loved back.

 

Haha, how did my name end up in that quote?

[Ariadne]

Haha, how did my name end up in that quote?

 

I must have clicked your post to respond to it at some point.

[Sam Spade]

Such a pointles debate .

I don't think I'd ever go out of my way to impress a woman, and if anything - I'm a lot more willing to comit and be loyal to a woman 'beneath' my league (such a horrid expression ).

Girls of all "leagues" are fundamentally the same, so to the extent I'd ever consider "leagues", it would be only in regard to "maintenance" costs. It is a very unnatural state for a man to walk on his toes trying to please a woman. So it makes mych more sense to pick one who is more likely to appreciate all he does (rather than feels entitled to it).

[Isolde]

I don't believe in leagues. I think all that matters is both people feel lucky, like RS said, and it doesn't really matter how you arrive at that point.

[Trialbyfire]

Buh bye and enjoy that higher dating market power. That's a challenge I'll take. I mean, why even be with someone who thinks of themselves in those terms? Just by 'knowing', they've intrinsically settled and insulted the person who loves them at the same time.

Surprisingly, that's how I would see it. IMO, both parties should see each other as the cat's meow, loved and valued.

 

If anything, to need someone to love you more, you have to ask yourself why you can't love him/her more. Where's the lack within you or is the lack based on insecurity and distrust?

[Adunaphel]

I just saw a rerun of this sex and the city episode last night, and was thinking of this in relation to my bf. I think at least for now, he loves me more than I love him, and I wonder if this is ok/good. He makes me feel giddy some of the time, but usually not. Though I do care for him alot and overall he makes me feel warm/safe.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

I think it depends on both partners and on their needs.

Some people tend to get bored or take the other person for granted as soon as they feel very loved.

Other will start a lot of unnecessary drama as soon as their partner says/does something that might suggest he might be not so in love anymore.

 

I belong to the latter cathegory so a man who loves me more than I love him is going to make me feel happier, and more in love, which in turn (if he is anything like me) will make him love me even more, and the cycle will continue until the relationship blows up dramatically because all those hearts and pink rabbits bumping all over the place made our love nest too clustered and unconfortable.

[You'reasian]

The point is that relationships are happier and more harmonious for BOTH the man and woman when they are weighted slightly in favor of the man viewing the woman as a "catch" and the woman feeling that she is treated like one -- and not the other way around.

 

Men, in general, like to admire and adore, and women like to be admired and adored. When you turn that around and get into a situation in which the woman is admiring and adoring the man more, it causes problems.

 

Now, in the relationships I've had in which I was treated well consistently, I loved my partner all the more. In fact, the safety and security intrinsic to the relationship made me feel more loved, and safer in giving and expressing my love. It is only when I feel truly safe with a man that I allow myself to indulge in the full expression of love. When I do not feel secure because I am not being treated well, I naturally protect myself more, and that means not expressing love as openly.

 

YMMV.

 

I disagree.

 

Whenever a man loves a woman more than she love him, she really doesn't respect him - will eventually get bored, string him along and go. When a man doesn't care, women are naturally more interested in him.

 

In the ideal situation, a man and woman love each other equally and when that happens - they can't keep their hands off each other.

[Woggle]

I disagree.

 

Whenever a man loves a woman more than she love him, she really doesn't respect him - will eventually get bored, string him along and go. When a man doesn't care, women are naturally more interested in him.

 

In the ideal situation, a man and woman love each other equally and when that happens - they can't keep their hands off each other.

 

Very true. If a man loves her more you end up with one of those situations where he treats her great and is a wonderful man but she loves him like more like a brother or a friend.

[You'reasian]

Very true. If a man loves her more you end up with one of those situations where he treats her great and is a wonderful man but she loves him like more like a brother or a friend.

 

The term is friend-zoned.