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SATC - Better to marry a man who loves you more than you love him -- True or not?

conehead

By conehead
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conehead Established Member

conehead

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I just saw a rerun of this sex and the city episode last night, and was thinking of this in relation to my bf. I think at least for now, he loves me more than I love him, and I wonder if this is ok/good. He makes me feel giddy some of the time, but usually not. Though I do care for him alot and overall he makes me feel warm/safe.

 

Thoughts anyone?

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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I think the ultimate truth is...thank god SATC is no longer airing!! :laugh:

 

Anyways, coney, there's more to romantic love, than feeling warm and safe. What about passion and intellectual stimulation?

JohnP82 Established Member

JohnP82

Posted
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You should dump him so that he can find someone who doesn't feel like they are settling or someone who doesn't feel as in love with him as he is with you.

Soul Bear Established Member

Soul Bear

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I think the ultimate truth is...thank god SATC is no longer airing!! :laugh:

 

Anyways, coney, there's more to romantic love, than feeling warm and safe. What about passion and intellectual stimulation?

 

I'll second that :)

You'reasian Established Member

You'reasian

Posted
Posted
I just saw a rerun of this sex and the city episode last night, and was thinking of this in relation to my bf. I think at least for now, he loves me more than I love him, and I wonder if this is ok/good. He makes me feel giddy some of the time, but usually not. Though I do care for him alot and overall he makes me feel warm/safe.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

Its probably not a good idea to marry someone under those conditions.

 

Relationship, sure.

Sam Spade Established Member

Sam Spade

Posted
Posted
Its probably not a good idea to marry someone under those conditions.

 

Relationship, sure.

 

I think it is exactly the opposite - it is better to have a marriag eunder those conditions than a relationship. The problem with romantic love is that it is 1) a recent - and thus somewhat unnatural - invention and 2) that it undermines the possibility of happy and long term marital relationship.

Romantic love has undeniable appeal, but it hwould simply be kept separate from the issue of marriage. It's a life partnership that thrives better under somewhat different mindset.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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I think this is absolutely true. Generally speaking, women are looking for one long-term, high-quality, loyal partner. Men, generally speaking, are more inclined to seek a selection of sexual partners -- you know, "variety".

 

Scientific studies have proven that BOTH men and women are happier in a relationship in which the man perceives the woman as a step above him, a "catch". My own experience has shown me that a man who clearly views me as a rung or two above him (on the "ladder", as he personally defines it) treats me very well and makes me feel secure and happy.

 

In relationships in which the man seemed to need me just a little more than I needed him, we were both much happier.

The Collector Established Member

The Collector

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Except Carrie gets Big, who represents someone that cares less about her than she did about him. Even though she is a repulsive horseface that Big could easily do better than.

 

Not that I've ever watched such crap.

Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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I have complex issues with this theory. I can't say why, exactly. It just doesn't sound right.

 

For a relationship it sounds ok. But not for marriage.

 

Why would you want to spend your life with someone you don't love fully? Why would you want to be put on a pedestal, even if it's just a mini-pedestal?

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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Except Carrie gets Big, who represents someone that cares less about her than she did about him. Even though she is a repulsive horseface that Big could easily do better than.

 

Not that I've ever watched such crap.

:lmao:

 

Have you seen Chris Noth (Big) lately? He's really let himself go and he's only 54 years old. Sad.

 

I used to have a crush on him when he was in Law and Order. :love:

Citizen Erased Established Member

Citizen Erased

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:lmao:

 

Have you seen Chris Noth (Big) lately? He's really let himself go and he's only 54 years old. Sad.

 

I used to have a crush on him when he was in Law and Order. :love:

 

Really? Maybe he won't be in the second SATC film. Oh yes, a second one.

 

Agreed on the horseface thing.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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Really? Maybe he won't be in the second SATC film. Oh yes, a second one.

 

Agreed on the horseface thing.

Oh Noes, not another one. I'm going to hear about it from friends, for months! :p

 

These aren't even the worst pics I've seen of him.

 

http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2007/features/theysaid/070820/chris_noth.jpg

http://celebritybabies.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/06/06/chris_noth_060508_02_cbbjpg.jpg

Sam Spade Established Member

Sam Spade

Posted
Posted
I think this is absolutely true. Generally speaking, women are looking for one long-term, high-quality, loyal partner. Men, generally speaking, are more inclined to seek a selection of sexual partners -- you know, "variety".

 

Scientific studies have proven that BOTH men and women are happier in a relationship in which the man perceives the woman as a step above him, a "catch". My own experience has shown me that a man who clearly views me as a rung or two above him (on the "ladder", as he personally defines it) treats me very well and makes me feel secure and happy.

 

In relationships in which the man seemed to need me just a little more than I needed him, we were both much happier.

 

 

Wrong, and that's precisely the problem with "romantic" love.

In a partnership (i.e. as in marriage), the question of who needs/likes whom more is not only disrespectful, but completely irrelevant. It's a partnership - i.e. two adults chosing to pull their weight in their end of the bargain.

 

In truly romantinc relationships, the other person is - ironically - pretty much irrelevant. You love the feeling, not the person; the person is basically a target, or a placeholder. The *high* comes from the preoccupation with our own feelings. And if there are barriers, even better. this experience is intoxicating, and everybody (hopefully) has felt it at least once in their life, but it has nowhere to go but downhill. But as long as the hight exists (for about 2-4 years) people are wiling to do stupid things to win the object of their affection. so, in that sense, yes, it works. But, no thanks.

Ariadne Established Member

Ariadne

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Thoughts anyone?

 

This is never a good combo.

 

The most stable relationships are the ones where the woman is truly in love.

 

Women are made to love and men to be loved. That's the way it is.

 

A man that is loved is a happy man (unless he has reservations about the woman), and will care for and appreciate the woman the most.

 

A woman that loves a husband makes for a good wife, helps the man be successful, keeps a good home, and everyone is happy.

 

The other way around never works. A woman that doesn't love would make a man the most miserable and ruined.

 

(Of course, men that are gaga would try and date women who don't love them anyway, and have the hardest time getting this in their heads)

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Well, there's no way I'll speak for every man, but I lived that dynamic (the one proffered by the OP) and now am getting a divorce. Personally, I think that's cr@p. My problem prior was that I thought I didn't deserve better. Have a nice day :)

Thornton Established Member

Thornton

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:lmao:

 

Have you seen Chris Noth (Big) lately? He's really let himself go and he's only 54 years old. Sad.

 

I used to have a crush on him when he was in Law and Order. :love:

 

Whaaa...? He is still gorgeous! A little older and fatter, but still stunningly good looking for a man of his age. Out of 10, I'd give him one :p

 

Also do not knock SATC. The occasional lack of beauty among the cast was more than made up for by the fabulous clothes, which tbh was the main reason I watched it anyway (I also watch Gossip Girl on mute just so I can see the clothes... do you think I have a problem? :confused: )

utterer of lies Established Member

utterer of lies

Posted
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Better to marry a man who loves you more than you love him -- True or not?

 

Of course it's true.

 

But if you only judge it as imprecisely as you do, you will never find out the truth.

 

Immediately start giving points to all he does and feels for you, and stuff you do and feel for him. Add up the scores and normalize them to [1,100]. Only marry if he scores at least 13 points above you.

 

*facepalm*

Fay Established Member

Fay

Posted
Posted
I just saw a rerun of this sex and the city episode last night, and was thinking of this in relation to my bf. I think at least for now, he loves me more than I love him, and I wonder if this is ok/good. He makes me feel giddy some of the time, but usually not. Though I do care for him alot and overall he makes me feel warm/safe.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

In general I'd say yes, marry someone who loves you at least as much as you love him. But make sure you do love him very much. You don't sound very passionate about your man. You're probably gonna get dissatisfied somewhere down the line and develop a passion for the poolboy. :bunny:

Sam Spade Established Member

Sam Spade

Posted
Posted
Well, there's no way I'll speak for every man, but I lived that dynamic (the one proffered by the OP) and now am getting a divorce. Personally, I think that's cr@p. My problem prior was that I thought I didn't deserve better. Have a nice day :)

 

What are the specific things that you knew you didn't like but thought you don't deserve better?

(there are things i don't particularly like about my gf, but they have nothing to do with her capacity to be loving, caring and affectionate etc. I used to think I 'deserve better', but then realised that I seem to have everything i need for a good relaitonship right in front of me. All the other things were mostly status-symbolish and of very peripheral importance for loving rel. So I wonder what exactly was going on with your marriage...)

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Emotional distance, mainly. Became evident once the honeymoon period was over, essentially the period prior to marriage. Perhaps another man would have been satisfied with getting his noodle wet on a regular basis. I am not that man. :)

Sam Spade Established Member

Sam Spade

Posted
Posted
Emotional distance, mainly. Became evident once the honeymoon period was over, essentially the period prior to marriage. Perhaps another man would have been satisfied with getting his noodle wet on a regular basis. I am not that man. :)

 

I see. I'm probably somewhere in between. (I.e. emotional connection is important, but I believe people are fundamentally alone, so I don't have much too high expectations in that department. Same thing with wetting the noodle :laugh: - important, but not worth any compromises).

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted

In all things imbalanced, sooner or later, something's gotta give.

 

In the situation of the person with less, they'll eventually harbour deep resentments, attempting to even the score, regardless of what was historically acceptable within their relationship.

 

In the situation of the person with more, they'll quickly or slowly lose respect for the person who gives too much, regardless of what was historically acceptable within their relationship.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Yep, that about sums it up. Living alone is far healthier. Now, if I can just find that cat I adopted. He's disappeared somewhere in the house. Siamese. Male. Go figure ;)

New Again Established Member

New Again

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Posted

False. I think it's an irrelevant point, actually.

 

Gotta agree with Sam Spade.

 

Not gonna marry someone just because I'm in love with him, that would be dumb. No offense to romantics out there who buy into the "true love and happily ever after" myth. So, it doesn't matter who's more in love.

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