Benfica2 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Well, my girlfriend just broke up with me. She was my first girlfriend, and the pain is killing me. I never got to know exactly why she broke up. We were together for 3 months, and durind that time she broke up a lot of times. But this time is definitive: it has passed 1 month since she broke up. I think she never forgot her ex-boyfriend, and that was one of the reasons. I suffer all day long, and I just can't take this anymore. She has moved on with her life, and is happy. To be honest, I am happy that she's happy... But, it hurts to see that I wasn't really important in her life... My self-esteem got a major blow, and I can't even get out of the house. I'm just 16, but I'm really afraid that I won't find anyone else... All my friends started having girlfriends when they were 12 or 13. I only had my first girlfriend when I was 16, and even that ended really badly. I think she just used me to try to forget her ex... The pain that I have is too much... I can't take this anymore... Please, I need some kind of help. I know that probably most of you may just think of me has a "crying-little teen", but belieave me, I wouldn't be asking for help if I wasn't passing through a really hard time... I can't move on with my life. I don't know if she ever trully liked me... I just can't cope with ths. I have suicidal thoughts all the time... I'm kind of afraid that if one day I'm really fragil, I may do something that I will regret... I'm happy that she's happy, but it hurts a lot to see her move on with her life like nothing happened... I can't sleep at all... Last night I slept two hours... I can't eat too... Please, i'm suffering a lot... If someone out there could help me, I would be forever appreciated.
silic0ntoad Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hey man I know your pain. With time it will fade. It sucks to be the rebound, but you have to keep your chin up. Now you know what to look for if a girl is just rebounding. No matter the age heart ache hurts- its just that you are now learning how much it hurts. Don't take your friends having girlfriends as a sign you should too. You are young and have alot of learning ahead of you. Grasp youth fully! Have fun with people, and learn. It's all youi can really do. The pain may seem unbearable. But keep your chin up. She is shallow and cruel to put you through a rebound and use you.
quankanne Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Ben! Get a grip on yourself … pervert, not that kind honey, it doesn't matter if she was your first or one of many, a broken heart is a broken heart. The good news is that yes, you'll bounce back. It may take a little time and a lot of emotion to get back to a "good" spot, but you will. For now, nurse your pain until you can get to a point where you can start looking at the relationship and see it for the good – and not-so-good – that it was. Then try to discover what you are supposed to learn from the relationship. It might be that you're capable of loving someone, it might be that someone is capable of loving you, or it might be the fact that your heart is yours to freely give. But only you can discover what that particular truth is. Then rejoice in that message. as much as you hurt, please know that you will survive being broken-hearted. Unfortunately, the only way to get past it is to let it run it's course, but I guarantee, you will get through it. And be a better man because of it, *if* you allow yourself to be open to future love experiences ... my personal thought is that every relationship where you allow yourself to love – no matter HOW it ends – takes you one step closer to the love you're ultimately meant to have. so don't fret the fact that you're only 16, but rejoice that you, YOU are capable of loving someone at ANY age. Some people don't have that capacity, but you do. And that bodes well, my dear. hugs to you, and the man you're going to become! q
silic0ntoad Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I agree- I didn't find love until I was 18. And even then, I don't know that it was true love- each girl/woman I was with after that it grew more and more mature. You just have to take a deep breath and the first thing you need to realise is- whatever the outcome, you will be OK.
Author Benfica2 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I can't thank you enough for the time you're spending trying to help me. I am trully apreciated, thank you. Just the fact that I can talk about this with someone helps a lot. But it has passed 1 month, and I'm still in the same state as I was when she broke up with me. She never showed love towards me, and that's something that really hurt. I don't even know if she ever had strong feelings about me. I can't bare the thought of being all alone... Before I met her, I thought I was a good person: I always helped everyone, and when I went to bed, it would make me extremely happy to know that I helped someone. But now, I can't even look myself in the mirror. I just see flaws, after flaws, after flaws... Girls always think I'm cute or funny or sweet, but then they just see me as a friend... The only person I really loved dumped me like I was nothing, and after a few days of breaking up, she told me that she had already forgotten me and that she had "feelings" for her ex boyfriend. And still, I can't forget her. I wanted to hate her, but I can't... And I feel bad that I want to hate her... All that happened it's not her fault, so I shouldn't wish to hate her... Maybe I'm a bad person after all... I just don't know how it will be when we get back to school. I'll have to see her everyday, and sooner or later, I'll have to see her with someone else. I can't even imagine how I will be when that happens... My grades will go down the toillet... I wish there was something I could do to surpass this... It has passed 1 month, and it seems that time hasn't helped me heal... Everyday seems twice as bad as the day before...
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hugs, Benfica -- is that after the football/soccer club? How's the team doing, these days? Quite honestly, one month is a VERY short time to get over one's 'first love'. It will be perfectly fine to give yourself some patience and understanding. You're not really a different person than before you dated her -- your "good" self and all your positive qualities are very much still there. You could look at it as if they're maybe just hiding from your view because you're feeling so down and crappy. BUT. They haven't gone anywhere, so you haven't "lost" that part of your Self. Who you are, right now, is the SAME person at heart...just with a whole different experience added. So, you've grown. And you're busy developing life coping skills and learning how to deal with disappointments and sadness. And that's all to your growth into adulthood...not such a bad thing at all! The feelings are painful, and can be overwhelming -- but you know that already, right? At the same time, you can move through them...and you will. Everybody who posts here has gone through the same thing, at one time or another -- and we're all alive to tell our "war stories" about it. It is a life event that we all do survive. All those people you used to help...and those who are still in need of your assistance -- the world does need your kindness and compassion, and will be waiting for whenever you are ready to start sharing that part of you again! Can you think of one thing that you can do, right now, that will help to make you feel a tiny little bit better? Maybe watch a fave movie, listen to some music that helps you feel good, write in your journal, draw/paint a picture? Eat a gallon of ice-cream or a banana sandwich?
Author Benfica2 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I can't do anything to distract me. But to be honest, I feel a lot better after talking with you guys. I can't thank you all enough. I am also really afraid that I'll be alone and that I'll never find anyone... And yes Ronni, it's after the club. We're having a great pre-season btw. Next week we'll play against AC Milan at our home stadium
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Glad to hear of your great pre-season! I used to be a Liverpool fan...when I was your age...like a hundred years ago . Good luck against AC Milan. I think...if you want to at least TRY to do something other than feel crappy about the situation, then that would be okay for you to do. Because there's also the part that you are in charge of, and have to take responsibility for, how you're feeling -- that's where your personal power lives, in times of stress and distress. I am also really afraid that I'll be alone and that I'll never find anyone... Nah, there's not a chance in hell of that happening -- you just have too much love, kindness and compassion for that to even be a remote possibility. Oh, and intelligence and awareness -- you have those two, too I do understand how that fear has come into existence for you but, based on your posts, it just does not seem to be a realistic fear, IMO. So you can, and would be wise to, eliminate it before it starts doing really nasty things to your self-esteem and your self-confidence. Basically just tell it to eff-off, and not mess with your head -- after all, you're dealing with enough as far as needing to mend your heart. Sending hugs and healing.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Few questions. How old is she? Does she have any siblings? Do you? Are her parents divorced? Are yours? And finally, what state are you guys from?
Author Benfica2 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 She's 17. I have one older brother, who's 23. She's an only child. My parents and her parents are not divorced. And we aren't from the US. We live in Portugal. She just came to MSN, but didn't even bother to say anything to me. IT kinda hurt that she broke up, and not even one single time bothered to check how I was doing... I'm not a part of her life now, and probably never was. Still, thank you all for all the help!
Thomas X Forever Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hmm. I can rule out the most obvious things. However, being as how she is an only child, it's entirely possible she has a feeling of entitlement, as most likely she was spoiled growing up. There's a higher probability that as a result, within her mind, she is much less apt to feel remorse or recognize the damage her actions cause. I don't think ALL only childs have this, but the way you have described her, she matches this criteria and suspicion. This is a problem. Because if I'm right, she is in the beginning stages of a very serious disorder. Very serious.. But alas, it's far too early for me to tell. Yet. Can you tell me more in depth about her? Tell me what kind of person she is? You say you feel she may have used you to get over her ex. Is there any specific reason you feel this way?
Author Benfica2 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Basicly, because she said that. She said that when she met me, she needed someone to give her atention, and that I was a great guy. She then said that she kinda took advantage of me because of that ( those were her exact words). She felt really guilty about that, so I said that I wasn't mad at her, and said that she had no reason to feel bad. She had a relationship with a guy wich lasted 2 years, and ended badly, according to her. She says that she still hasn't forgotten him. Still, she didn't do anything bad on purpose. I can't blame her for not having forgotten her ex boyfriend. And when she met me, she was probably really confused. So, in the end, She simply didn't do any huge mistake.
Ronni_W Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I kind of agree with you. But it still wasn't fair of her to (try to) use you to get over someone else. I mean, it's not fair, kind or compassionate to think it's okay to use any person like that. From what you posted, her actions aren't a reflection on you at all -- it's that SHE lacked any better (more effective, functional) ways of getting over her ex. That doesn't make YOU a "bad" person or mean that YOU aren't excellent 'boyfriend material'. In any case, I hope you're feeling better today.
greenparrot Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 ben hang in there, I am in the same situation. Although mine is worse she left me for this no good bad guy she didnt even know. At least yours went with her ex, although what a horrible person with no feelings to do that so cold and hard. If it helps it will bite her badly before she even knows. You on the other hadn sound like a great dude, I know the feeling of having left friends for a girl. I myself have now only one friend I fear losing to her. Man, I dont think I help alot, Im also in pain. Lets hope this gets easier.
Author Benfica2 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 You all helped a lot, believe me. It felt really good to get all of this off my chest. It still hurts though. She spends most of the time telling me that she's going out at night having fun... I can't explain, but it seems that she's rubbing on my face that she has forgotten me, because when she talks to me ( which is vary rarely), she spends the entire time talking about how much fun she had that day hanging out with her friend, and that she is going out at night to a concert, etc... Still, I just think that I'm not "girlfriend material". For two reasons: 1- Even I wasn't able to make her forget her ex. If I was a good boyfriend, maybe she would have forgotten him... 2- She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss... In 16 years, only one girl has appeared in my life... It hurts too much... In all honesty, I'm really afraid that I'll never find anyone else, but I'm not even sure I want to fall in love again... It will only make me suffer more. Anyway, I have wasted too much of your time guys. I appreciate a lot all the help you have given me, and all the advices. I will be forever grateful. Thank you all, really:)
Author Benfica2 Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 And GreenParrot, I hope you can surpass this hard time in your life too. I think that suffering is the natural consequence of happiness: if we were never sad, than how would we know what true happiness was? Yeah, Im becoming a kind of philosopher these days. Too much stuff going 100 miles/hour on my head... From the bottom of my heart, I wish the very best for you GreenParrot, and for everyone in this forum. If she left you by some random guy, she probably never deserved you. I know I know, I'm just some random teen who doesn't know anything about life, but I hope I can help you. As I said, I really wish for you to recover. Life's to short to be suffering because of someone. When you're most distracted, is when the girl of your dreams will come knockin'. And also one more thing: you have to try not to lose your friends. They are the most important thing someone can have.Because, if you loose your friends, after some time, it's them that you will miss, and not her. As they say: "Bros before..."... well, you know how that goes. I can't express how much I wish you too recover, believe me... I'm really sorry if I couldn't help much, but I don't know what to do to help myself either... Still, sometimes, just the fact that someone is out there listening and trying to help, is all the help that you need... Even if it's just some sad kid in his 16's.
Confused_Chump Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 This period you’re going through now is probably going to be the hardest. However, if you allow yourself to accept that time will heal your heart and then hang in there with all your strength, the pain you’re feeling now will slowly diminish bit by bit everyday. In the mean time, I recommend you start implementing NC and delete her off your MSN list. Any time she speaks to you now (or just seeing her name online) will only set back your healing process. In the state you’re in right now, there is no need for you to be worrying about what she’s doing with her life. I understand you want to see her happy, but how can you do that truthfully when you’re in so much pain yourself? Worry about healing yourself first, this is your first priority. If you feel like crying, just cry. There is nothing wrong with it and you’ll feel so much better after a good crying session. As for fearing that you’ll never fall in love with anyone again, it’s something that a lot of us go through. But you have to remain optimistic that life can be good. Yes she gave you your first kiss but there will be a plethora of “firsts” that you haven’t had a chance to experience yet. So why not remain optimistic that a very special person, that appreciates your love, will come into your life in the future where you can share many more “firsts” with? But in order to do so, you’ll have to let go and mend your heart.
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