All the horror stories make me never wish to get married, ever.

[vox]

I read various long-term relationship and marriage forums trying to get a handle on me and my partner's issues and seriously, marriage seems to be a literal destroyer of souls, happiness and any enjoyment in life. Add children into the mix and you have to totally give up who you are and what interests you...

 

Seems like everyone who is married is miserable and desperately looking for a way out. Am I wrong?

[2sure]

Seems like everyone who is married is miserable and desperately looking for a way out. Am I wrong?

 

I would say yes, you are wrong.

 

I am happily married. My marriage has experienced crisis, which is what brought me here. In a relationship support forum you only see the ugly stuff - but think about how many couples are NOT on here.

 

Also:

 

Seems like everyone I know who is single is miserable and desperately looking for a partner.

[vox]

Seems like everyone who is married is miserable and desperately looking for a way out. Am I wrong?

 

I would say yes, you are wrong.

 

I am happily married. My marriage has experienced crisis, which is what brought me here. In a relationship support forum you only see the ugly stuff - but think about how many couples are NOT on here.

 

Also:

 

Seems like everyone I know who is single is miserable and desperately looking for a partner.

 

I guess it's more than everyone I've known in my family, in my friends, except for one couple has been miserable and divorced, or should have divorced. It just doesn't seem worth it. I can more than support myself, I can have just about anyone I want... what's the point?

[vox]

If I hadn't had any children, I wouldn't be enjoying my grand children. They are the light of my life!

 

No - there are many good marriages. You don't hear about them, because they aren't in crisis.

 

I'm only 30. I'm so not ready for the whole kids thing yet, if ever. I'm sure I'd love 'em but I'm honestly pretty selfish and I like my life the way it is, having the means to do whatever I want.

[Pyro]

My advice to everyone is to not rush into marriage. Take all the time you need to get to know the person. Divorce is at such an alarming rate now and I believe that people rushing into marriage is a key reason why.

 

Even after years and years together, divorce can still happen but I think that the odds are less and less the more you know the person.

 

Even through the number of divorces happening there still lies many happy married couples, so it is very possible to get married and remain happy.

[2sure]

Well, as you describe yourself as "pretty selfish" definitely dont get married or have kids. Nothing wrong with being selfish as long as you aren't hurting anyone else or pretending not to be.

[vox]

Well, as you describe yourself as "pretty selfish" definitely dont get married or have kids. Nothing wrong with being selfish as long as you aren't hurting anyone else or pretending not to be.

 

Well, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome a few years back. I'm definitely not the average joe. I'm 6 and a half feet tall, make almost 6 figures before I turned 30, gay, aspie, and I'm not hard to look at. And I'm not saying these things to boast. They're just facts.

 

There's just a whole world out there and it seems like married people just... stop living. They stop looking to learn and grow and they just become sit at home ____ and ____ or Mom and Dad.

 

I don't want to ever stop learning, growing, traveling, meeting new people, enjoying life.

[quankanne]

the trick is to find someone who will grow with you and share your life/loves. The people you read/hear about in bad marriages get that way because they choose to stop growing, thinking, "now that I'm married, that relationship is gonna take care of itself."

 

my big sister married her HS sweetheart back in the early 70s. They had two kids, he started screwing around on her and she finally divorced him about 10 years into the marriage. Dated a bit, but not seriously because she was hurt pretty badly by my brother-in-law and because she was divorced mom raising the kids by herself in another city. Enter the guy she's married to now ... what a HUGE difference that relationship is! They do stuff together, he COMMUNICATES with her, he does stuff with and for the kids, they have a lot in common. Now, they're kicking back, enjoying her retirement and their growing brood of grandbabies. Did she want her marriage to end? No. But I know she thanks God each and every day for putting this "new" husband in her path, because she's a much happier person.

 

her ex really isn't a bad guy, and they get along much better now, it was just that they weren't a good match because of the kinds of personalities they were.

 

if you plan to be successful in your marriage, you've got to go into it willing to work at it. And don't knock "boring homelife" – it might not be YOUR cup of tea, but it's someone else's bit of heaven.

[Pyro]

There's just a whole world out there and it seems like married people just... stop living. They stop looking to learn and grow and they just become sit at home ____ and ____ or Mom and Dad.

 

I don't want to ever stop learning, growing, traveling, meeting new people, enjoying life.

 

That is usually what happens when you start a family. The kids come first.

 

Nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids and/or to ever get married but the kids are the reason why you find them sitting at home. Someone has to raise them.

[alphamale]

Seems like everyone who is married is miserable and desperately looking for a way out. Am I wrong?

i would say it applies to MOST married folk, not all. but its true that marriage most likely will suck the life out of you

[GorillaTheater]

i would say it applies to MOST married folk, not all. but its true that marriage most likely will suck the life out of you

 

I am a mere dessicated husk of my formerly robust self.

[Devil Inside]

There are many million of people that are married and have children that are happy. I agree that it is something that you need to be sure of (both marriage and children). However if you and your potential spouse are committed it can be very fulfilling. There are many horror stories online because people tend to need support when things are bad.

[2sure]

My current H was much as you describe yourself, except straight.

He/We did not marry until he was 40.

 

Sometimes you just change. He didnt feel like he was giving anything up or he wouldnt have married, he had just found that the things that gave him pleasure changed.

 

Its kind of like listening to heavy metal when you are a teenager and wondering how the hell your parents can listen to opera?? You cannot fathom or ever picture yourself doing so....it represents a kind of death to you. Yet, that same teen when they turn 30 feels really accomplished & pleased when they have seasons tickets to the Met. Still others never have stopped listening to Metallica. And thats great. Unless they are married to someone who hates heavy metal and loves opera.

 

It isnt so much settling down as just doing something else. How exciting you make your marriage relates directly to how exciting you made your life before it.

[2sure]

[QUOTE=GorillaTheater;2311131]I am a mere dessicated husk of my formerly robust self.

 

And then, you know, theres that

[confusedinkansas]

Seems like everyone I know who is single is miserable and desperately looking for a partner.

 

Married Perspective: When you're married.......Everyone's single & HAPPY & lead very fulfilling lives & party & have sex.......

 

Single Perspective: When you're single.........Everyone's married / a couple...has kids, mortgages, cars, dogs...etc.

 

So when you're married everyone that's single looks like they have the life YOU want........& Visa Versa.

 

I think you can make your own happiness in either situation.

[HsMomma]

I don't want to ever stop learning, growing, traveling, meeting new people, enjoying life.

 

I'm quite happily married, though like Gorilla, am a mere shell of my former self because of it ...

 

What you're talking about above is not mutually exclusive of marriage - we continue to learn, grow, travel, meet new people & enjoy life, all while being happily married...with a teenager at home to boot.

 

I agree with 2sure - if you see yourself as selfish now, you certainly shouldn't get married & DEFINITELY shouldn't have children. Having & raising kids is the antithesis of selfishness.

[Woggle]

I am happily married right now but a reason that I won't have kids with her is that I don't want them to grow up in a broken home if this marriage sours which is usually the case. Happy relationships in general are a very very rare thing these days and unless the biterness between the genders changes anytime soon things will only get worse.

[vox]

I'm quite happily married, though like Gorilla, am a mere shell of my former self because of it ...

 

What you're talking about above is not mutually exclusive of marriage - we continue to learn, grow, travel, meet new people & enjoy life, all while being happily married...with a teenager at home to boot.

 

I agree with 2sure - if you see yourself as selfish now, you certainly shouldn't get married & DEFINITELY shouldn't have children. Having & raising kids is the antithesis of selfishness.

 

I just saw my parents in a miserable marriage for almost my whole life. They were not happy. I'm sure they stayed together for the children, but children don't need miserable parents. They never had any money, never went anywhere, never did anything. They became non-people. I grew up pretty poor by American standards so I vowed that I would never be poor. I'd grow up and do anything and everything I wanted, and so far, I have.

 

I see so many people just... fade when they get married. I don't want to fade away.

[2sure]

Same place most of us have come from, same thoughts many of us have had. Good thoughts to contemplate.

[Els]

You could look for someone who doesn't want kids yet either and who enjoys doing most of the things that you do.

 

That way you get to do almost everything you want except with someone you love beside you.

[vox]

You could look for someone who doesn't want kids yet either and who enjoys doing most of the things that you do.

 

That way you get to do almost everything you want except with someone you love beside you.

 

The almost is where I get tripped up. I feel smothered and stifled if I can't do everything I work for.

[HsMomma]

The almost is where I get tripped up. I feel smothered and stifled if I can't do everything I work for.

 

Then I guess I'm failing to see the problem. Sounds to me like you're perfectly content with your life just as it is. Stay single, have fun, don't have kids...sounds like a plan for you.

[Els]

Exactly. You can't really have ALL of your cake and eat it too. Since you're unwilling to give up on a slice, you just have to decide which one is more important to you then.

[LakesideDream]

I was married 25 years, two grown children before the divorce 8 years ago.. almost to the day.

 

Occasionally I find myself pausing to reflect. Sometimes I say "There's not much left of me anymore".

 

And it's true.

[HsMomma]

I was married 25 years, two grown children before the divorce 8 years ago.. almost to the day.

 

Occasionally I find myself pausing to reflect. Sometimes I say "There's not much left of me anymore".

 

And it's true.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, Lakeside...but I tend to think that's probably more a product of the divorce, don't you?

 

Wanna join some of us in the Beer Garden at the Water Cooler? I'll buy you a drink.