Serena2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I need help making sense out of this. I am the dumpee, he's the dumper. After 5 weeks of NC my ex shows up unexpectantly at my home. I was not centered or grounded as I was completely unprepared for this. I asked him why he came. He said it was because I wanted to discuss things face to face. WEAK EXCUSE!! I said that was BEFORE the breakup 5 weeks ago. I told him he hurt me, how breaking up at the peak of a relationship isn't normal, and how he sabotoged the relationship and how it suc%s!! He acknowledged all this including the sabotage and said he made a mistake, said he's been talking to some men about it. I told him that I'd made it clear that I would not be demoted from girlfriend to FWB or friend. He ackowledged that he knows this. He said he doesn't know if letting me go is the right thing to do. He listened to me vent and we talked about the relationship for 2 hours and he never once turned the tables onto me. He's middle-aged and has never been married. The central problem in the relationship centered on his ambivalence and inability to take it to the next level. We discussed this. I asked him what he wants out of the relationship. He couldn't answer and I think he doesn't even know himself!! After all is said and done, it's still all the same eg. breakup was a mistake BUT doesn't know if letting me go is the right thing to do. In other words, he wants an in but is still ambivalent. I know he wasn't coming back in an attempt to redefine us because I've been adamant that I will not go there! Why come back and still be ambivalent with regard to taking it to the next level. Why didn't he get his shi^ straightened out and then come back ready to have both feet in or not come back at all!! I need a guys perspective on this!!
LisaUk Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hi, I'm not a guy, but I have just read a book that describes your ex's behaviour to a T, because I have just been involved with a commitment phobic man for 18 years! He left me just after we (finally) set the date to marry! The book is called He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter. I would suggest you read it asap. It will explain your ex's behaviour and why he is now back on your doorstep, but still unable to commit. Sounds like he is experiencing commitment conflicts, on the one hand he loves you, on the other he is extermely anxious, this equals ambivialnce! He could even just be checking to see if you are still on his hook! CP means not being able to say no, as much as it means being able to say yes. In other words he needs to know he can get you back when he wants, as soon as he knows this, he may well be off again. If you really want to get back with him, the only way this may be possible is if he is able to get help. The book advises finding a relationship counsellor who has experience of CP, see them together, but do not start up your relationship again, other than these sessions. The sessions will show where, if anywhere this relationship can go.
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