Mountainlove Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hello, I would like your opinion ...do you think a person can be friends with an ex? Personally I never fancied being friends with any of my exes, but it would interest me what you think about it?
stace79 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hello, I would like your opinion ...do you think a person can be friends with an ex? Personally I never fancied being friends with any of my exes, but it would interest me what you think about it? Personally I don't really think it's possible. The only time I've stayed "friends" with exes is because either I was still interested or he was. I am also jaded because my fiance's ex broke us up when we first started dating. She stayed "friends" with him but as soon as he started seriously dating me she couldn't handle it and came after him. (She was the one who broke up with him - she didn't want a serious commitment at the time.) I think it all depends on the individuals, your feelings and your current SO's feelings, and the circumstances for the break up. If it was mutual and you have given yourself some time, I think it's more likely to work. If it was not mutual and you don't both take time to heal, odds are it's just going to be messy.
Teslacoil Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Sure you can. It really depends on the type of person you both are, and to a large extent what kind of relationship you had, and how it ended. I happen to be good friends with quite a few of my ex's. One is my old high-school sweetheart. It took a long time for me to get over her, but over the years we've become long distance friends. We call or chat / email whenever one of us is going through something really tough or really awesome. Then I'm also friends with 3 other girls who I dated for relatively short periods of time in college / high school. Who am I not friends with? I'm not friends with another girl I was in a long term relationship with, but I wasn't as crazy about her as she was about me. What made the end of that relationship complicated is that literally a day after I broke up with her, I met the woman who would eventually be my ex-wife. So it's somewhat difficult to be friends with your ex while you're simultaneously starting to date someone you're nuts about. I can tell you I'm not "interested" in any of my ex's. They're just old friends at this point. I can also tell you that my present girlfriend is quite a bit insecure that I still talk to them occasionally. If any of them make any comments on my Facebook page, she thinks they are flirting with me. So, it can be hard on your current significant other if you're friends with an ex.
Devil Inside Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I think it depends on who you are. I, personally, do not think I can. I am very intense in relationships. I have only tried to be "friends" with a few ex's and I know looking back it was only to remain in their lives in hope of one day rekindling our love. It hurts too much for me to see my ex's meeting new men and finding love. Of course once I am past the point of that hurting I realize it doesn't make sense to have these people in my life anymore. The relationship is over for a reason.
Spectre Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I think you can as long as you're single, but I think once you're in a relationship they really shouldn't be in your life anymore. If you really have to fight with your significant other over you wanting to talk with your ex, then you really don't belong together, since if you truly loved the person...cutting your exes out of your life shouldn't be that big of a deal.
frustrated&sad Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 This thread caught my attention. I recently reestablished contact with an ex. It has been 4 years since we split. I thought about him over the past 4 years. We were together 5+ yrs, so I still cared about him. We went to dinner, and, frankly, it was just nice to see someone who I cared about, who I had funny memories with, and who knew me when I was younger. I had no desires to reestablish anything and neither did he (at least, I don't think so). All this said, until a week ago, I was more of the opinion that it was not possible for me to be friends with exes. I always felt it created tension in my new relationships. Or strung people along. Or just got messy. Now I've no idea where I stand. I'll keep y'all updated!
relationship_learner Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I think you can as long as you're single, but I think once you're in a relationship they really shouldn't be in your life anymore. If you really have to fight with your significant other over you wanting to talk with your ex, then you really don't belong together, since if you truly loved the person...cutting your exes out of your life shouldn't be that big of a deal. I agree!!! You can remain friends with your ex as long as you are not in a relationship. Even though the past relationship is over, people will still be jealous if they see the person who used to care about them so much switch their full attention to somebody else...
serialgf Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 it really surprises me how many people on here are of the opinion that you absolutely can't be friends with your ex's. i agree with the poster who said that it depends on your personalities and the circumstances of the breakup, and also how long its been. however, i don't agree that the friendship needs to end or be put on hold if either of you is in a relationship. to me, if i am truly friends with someone, not "more than friends", then I will be friends with that person no matter what. and if we are truly friends, then my new bf should accept that and vice versa (of course i am not generalizing here, this is the way i am and works for me - i am offering a different perspective) i am pretty good friends with all of my ex's. i am not really in touch with all of them very much, but we are certainly friendly and at any point we might be in touch via email/chat/etc. to say whats up, check in periodically to see how we're doing etc. to me it's a natural part of caring for someone - once i care for someone, be it romantically or platonically, its usually for life, unless something earth-shatteringly horrible happens. just breaking up to me is not enough of a reason to end all contact with someone. a couple of my ex's i'm even closer with, either because we live in the same area or one in particular because we dated for 6 years (!) and he has troubles with alcoholism and his sexuality and we just generally really care for each other likewise, i tend to date guys with similar mindsets who are also friends with their ex's. i must admit its not always easy to accept but for me its an exercise in being a strong, confident person. my current bf is pretty good friends with a woman he broke up with 10 years ago, and they dated for i think at least 5 years.... it wouldn't usually be a problem for me to deal with but she is like genetically perfect, very beautiful skinny tall blonde.... and that's not what i look like at all... at first i would hide from her and do other silly things, but slowly i got it together, and recently i set out to just be friendly to her, and it worked. i feel tons better about their friendship and best of all i feel like i'm a part of it too.... i think maybe there are several factors that contribute to mine and my bf's success in being friends with ex's: a) we both have had very long term relationships with these people - i think its easier to discard your ex's when you've only been dating a few weeks/months b) we are open with each other about communication with ex's and include each other in whatever plans we might make to hang out with them c) we both see each other's ability to stay in touch/ care about/ be friends with ex's as an ASSET and not a bad thing (e.g. when we went through a rough patch we both felt knew that even if we broke up we would still remain friends) and d) it is very obvious that we don't have feelings for these ex's (when bf and i first started dating he was in touch with his most recent ex who hurt him really badly because he needed "closure" - we worked through this and he is over that pain now, is obviously happier, and *coincidentally* isn't really in contact with her anymore) to me its really a matter of unconditional love, but i'm guessing i'm in the minority here sorry for the novel but this is something i've been wanting to say for a while 1
donnamaybe Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Yes, you can. I'm friends with my first H. He's a good guy, as long as you aren't married to him. lol In fact, since both of our children (and their children) were going to be visiting over the 4th, he came as well and he stayed at my house, with my BF's blessing. As for any kind of "old feelings," ew! It would be like doing it with my brother.
Fay Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Hello, I would like your opinion ...do you think a person can be friends with an ex? Personally I never fancied being friends with any of my exes, but it would interest me what you think about it? I can and usually do (unless it was a particularly nasty breakup and/or I found out the guy was a douchebag). And usually there's no lingering romantic interest that's causing me to stay friends. Actually, right now about 75% of my exes are current friends of mine, and I don't have a single ghost of a romantic thought about any of them. I'm so smitten with my man that no one exists to me but him. I figure I choose my lovers by pretty much the same standards that I choose my friends, so if a guy was good enough to date, he's good enough to keep as a friend, no? Some new boyfriends have a problem with this, some don't. I don't want A to be unhappy so I'm limiting contact with any exes, because he did mention it makes him a bit uncomfortable, but I'm sure over time he'll see he has nothing to fear.
New Again Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I agree!!! You can remain friends with your ex as long as you are not in a relationship. Even though the past relationship is over, people will still be jealous if they see the person who used to care about them so much switch their full attention to somebody else... No kidding. I'm having some issues with my current bf and his "friendship" with his exes. And it really sucks when an exgf of his causes problems because (even if she's in a new relationship) she's jealous that he's moved on and she doesn't like seeing him with someone else. It just causes way too many problems.
MissHollywood Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 No way. The first thing I know after a relationship ends is to recover and my dignity. By the time I recover or think I've recovered, I don't see much point in any friendship with them.
Thornton Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 If the relationship ended amicably and neither of you wants the other back, then I don't see why you can't be friends. However it won't work if one person wants the other back, or if there are any hard feelings on either side. It becomes a whole different ball game when a new partner is introduced though... usually they aren't too happy about their new bf/gf hanging out with their ex...
Lizzie60 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Hello, I would like your opinion ...do you think a person can be friends with an ex? Personally I never fancied being friends with any of my exes, but it would interest me what you think about it? Yes.. I've remained friends with ALL my exes.. even the ones I dated for a short period of time.. I never ever had a 'big fight' with any man in my life.. I am especially close to my last ex.. we remained best friends.. with my first ex.. we're OK... but mainly for the kids..
freestyle Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I had a business partnership with an ex bf about 10 years ago. circumstances forced us to continue working together after we split up. After about a month of discomfort, we reached a place where we were able to enjoy each other`s company as friends, and still frequented the same social circles. It did`nt dawn on me until someone pointed it out, that my ex was exhibiting territorial behaviors in social settings. Anytime a man would start a conversation with me, my ex would be there within less than 2 minutes, joining in. I never noticed until someone mentioned it, and then I observed it for myself. I then realized why no one had asked me out for a long time.................. I have since concluded that it`s not a good idea to be seen publicly with an ex too much, as the public perception may be that you`re still together.................it doesn`t help you move forward and find new love. As it stands now, I run the business alone, and I am very careful about keeping work and romance separated.........hopefully my story will be helpful to others.
OutOnALimb Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 This is something I am experienced with a know about!!! I was married 10-years, Ron & I still e-mail about his life/family; Randy and I were married 6-years, we're friends on MySpace, just sent a congratulations on his wedding comment; dated married man for 2-years (regretful), but he still calls to chat; dated Jonathan, stopped dating, stayed friends, stays on my couch after a late night out; dated Tim, with Jonathan still on my couch; Tim & Jonathan are now great friends and roommates; I'm living with Seth. Seth spent all of last Sunday hanging out with Tim & Jonathan (Jonathan's still welcome to my couch). NO, THIS IS NOT A JERRY SPRINGER EPISODE or trashy style of friendships. We are simply people who have loved and respected each other and have chosen to remain friends. Seth and I will someday be married and I have no doubt that all of his groomsmen will be MY ex's. Ironic but funny if looked at in the right light. I'm thankful that we've remained close friends.
tryagaintoday Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 After reading through these replies, it seems to me that the ladies say yes while the men say no. True? False? For me, she said to want to still be friends but can understand that if I do not wish to. I said yeah, we can be friends, but it is only because I still need to contact her to settle our belongings, the apartment and some other stuff. Once those are done, I'm just gonna removed everything that has her in it as I had moved on. Well, if we meet again (and most likely we will as we had lots of common friends and interest), I will just treat her like a friend's friend. Polite, courteous and just something like "hello, how are you?" "oh good good". Things like that.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Hello, I would like your opinion ...do you think a person can be friends with an ex? on a hi and bye basis, speak when spoken to kind of thing...yes. the kind of friends that hang out alone and do things together and call each other regularaly? absolutely not, that is if you are in a committed relationship with someone else. Personally I never fancied being friends with any of my exes, but it would interest me what you think about it? if you want to hang out with your X and do things with them alone and call each other all the time, then don't get into a committed relationship with someone else. Would you like a boyfriend of yours hanging out with an X-girlfriend and going places with her...etc?
Dark-Farmer Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 It is possible but certain conditions exist for me. And i think these are reasonable and solid rules. Number 1 and most important: you CANNOT still have any feelings for them. or something will end up happening or one of you will end up getting hurt. Number 2: they cannot be the last person you saw, it has to skip a partner( ie. they have to be 2 partners ago). this one is most important to the person your are currently seeing or will see next. it is a shear jealousy/upsetting thing, and you should repect your current partner. (i would say the exception is a marraige with kids for obivous reasons) Number 3 also very important: you have to actually like them as just a friend. You know have stuff in common and what not. Some people you can love but not really want to do "friend stuff" with. In which case they aren't friend material, so why try. If both you or your ex does not pass these 3 simple rules i would have to say no.
huntersixx Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I think it's possible and I'm good friends with almost all of my ex's. Like others have said it depends how things end and the type of people you both are. As far as myself, I have a hard time with the idea of having strong feelings for someone and then boom, they are gone and out of my life completely. When my wife and I split in 2002 we didn't speak for a year, then we happened to get back in touch and we've been the best of friends ever since. It's great to have a girl to ask questions to from time to time and usually your ex knows you pretty good and would have some of the best answers or advice. She's thrilled for me that I found a great girlfriend and I'm always hoping the best for my ex as well. My girlfriend found it odd at first but isn't jealous because she knows if the ex and I wanted to be together we wouldn't have split up to begin with. Sorry for rambling so basically, I say it's all good.
tryagaintoday Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 no you can"t be friends w/ an ex *high fives alpha*
JohnP82 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I never could be and I can't understand why you would want to.
Island Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I think it depends on who you are. I, personally, do not think I can. I am very intense in relationships. I have only tried to be "friends" with a few ex's and I know looking back it was only to remain in their lives in hope of one day rekindling our love. It hurts too much for me to see my ex's meeting new men and finding love. Of course once I am past the point of that hurting I realize it doesn't make sense to have these people in my life anymore. The relationship is over for a reason. ^ This. Except I haven't tried to be friends with exes because anytime there has been any contact they haven't moved on at all. There really is no point. My husband and my brother provide all the male companionship and input I really need. If I wanted a mass male opinion about something I'd post here. It is better for my relationship not to create problems where there aren't any. And it is actually better for the exes because they can move on in their lives too.
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