oannamarie Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I have been married for 11 years. we have two kids together. I have been through alot with my husband. He was physically abusive to me up until about 5 years ago. I have cheated on him twice, 10 years ago and 5 years ago. He knows about both. He is so annoying. I cant stand to be around him at times. He is always injuring himself, broken back, broken ribs and wines and complains like a baby. I have to cater to him when he is home but he can go out with friends and be okay. When we are out in public he tells everyone he broke his back and ribs and wants sympathy for it. I feel like he disgusts me and cant stand him. I dont know if I have fell out of love with him. Sometimes I feel like if he cheated on me I wouldnt care because then he would leave me alone. Any opinions, Is this normal?
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I would think a certain amount of annoyance after 11 years is normal. The whining and looking for symapthy would put me over the edge. Then again you have stopped cheating on him and he has stopped abusing you...so you both must have done some work here. Sounds like its time to communicate.
Author oannamarie Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I have spoken with him about it. I asked him why he complains to me but can be around his friends and be okay and he advised me that it was because they dont want to hear him complain and that I am his wife and should take care of him. He also told me that I an inconsiderate because it annoys me when he is whining. It wouldnt be a problem with me if he wasnt always getting hurt. He has broke his back on two different occasions in the past four years and recently broke his ribs. Just last night he said do you think there is something more wrong with me than broken ribs. I feel like something else is wrong. We went to the hospital a couple of nights ago and he had xrays and was fine other than the broken ribs. It is like everytime he is hurt it is the end of the world and he is going to die. That he has the worst injury compared to anyone elses. I cant stand it.
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Well I know that broken ribs really really hurt. You cant breathe, you feel on fire, etc. A broken back a couple of times - I would think he is going to be in some kind of pain from that for the rest of his life. (Often leads to addiction) Hey...how about pain management?
Author oannamarie Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 He is on vicodin at the moment for pain but just started that Friday. He doesnt take pain meds for anything else.
Author oannamarie Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I understand that he may be in pain but since there isnt anything he or I can do about it why does he have to tell everyone. Like we or any stranger really cares about his pain. Why would you tell strangers. We were out to dinner last night and the waitress was at the table next to us talking about having knee surgery and he said well thats nothing you should try having two back surgeries and broken ribs. They werent even talking to him.
GorillaTheater Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I'm trying to wrap my head around the "whining". I mean, I broke a rib about 2 years ago and I *think* I sucked that up for the most part. But I've never had an injury as serious as a broken back, and I can picture myself whining at least a bit about it. I haven't come to any conclusions on this one way or the other, but I have to admit that right now I'm wondering about your empathy, or lack thereof.
Author oannamarie Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 He doesnt have the broken back anymore. It happened four years ago. He just broke his ribs and we havent even confirmed they are broken. For all he knows it could be bruised ribs. The doctor at the emergency room said she didnt see any broken ribs on the x rays but that it is still possible they are broken. So now he is telling every one they are broken. I dont mind having empathy for him if it was an every now and again thing about the pain but he has to tell every one so to me that seems like he is doing it for attention.
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I agree , there does seem to be a lack of empathy. I mean, even if there is nothing to be done for it...chronic pain is a life crisis, and who can he deal with this with if not his wife?? Right now and maybe always unless he finds some relief...pain is going to be a big part/ subject in his life. But yeah, interrupting strangers conversations to compare his pain with the table server's ....WTF? Honestly, we all know people like this. Just a thought. Is it possible he feels your nearly complete lack of empathy and is simply reaching out....?
GorillaTheater Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 "Annoying" I think I get, though like 2sure I wonder if he seeks attention from others because he doesn't feel you give him enough of it, but help me understand how he's "disgusting". Can you give any specific examples?
carhill Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I dont know if I have fell out of love with him. Sometimes I feel like if he cheated on me I wouldnt care because then he would leave me alone. Says it all. Disconnected and out.... OP, what's stopping you?
Author oannamarie Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 He is disgusting because he has gained over 100 lbs and he passes gas in public. It is disgusting and embarrasing. He is sloppy dressed and just doesnt care anymore. I have mentioned how I feel about the way he dresses. I told him, "It would be nice if you would dress up for me, i dress up for you and I think you are very attractive that way". He replies with I dont want to dress up and if you dont like what I am wearing then dont go out with me. I also have addressed his passing gas in public and he says he doenst care what other people think of him. His weight is not a real issue with me. I understand that he has injuries that prevent him from doing normal activities but if he took care of himself a little better that would be great.
GorillaTheater Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 He is disgusting because he has gained over 100 lbs and he passes gas in public. It is disgusting and embarrasing. He is sloppy dressed and just doesnt care anymore. I have mentioned how I feel about the way he dresses. I told him, "It would be nice if you would dress up for me, i dress up for you and I think you are very attractive that way". He replies with I dont want to dress up and if you dont like what I am wearing then dont go out with me. I also have addressed his passing gas in public and he says he doenst care what other people think of him. His weight is not a real issue with me. I understand that he has injuries that prevent him from doing normal activities but if he took care of himself a little better that would be great. Okay, I can see that. Do you agree with Carhill that you've disconnected from your husband, emotionally and otherwise? Is divorce on the table?
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Since you're this unhappy, why not just divorce? I bet if your H knew how disguisted you feel by him, he would either want to work on himself (he could be just as unhappy as you are in the marriage, and have issues with you) and together you could do marriage counselling, or decide that it would be best for everyone, if you two divorced. To go on as things are now isn't healthy.
JackJack Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 JMO, I don't think I'll ever really comprehend how it is or why it is, people who are so annoyed or disgusted by their spouse or partner would continue to remain in that situation. Sounds like you both have been through alot over the years in your marriage. It also sounds as if you all have tried to move on with your lives together. However, I also think you need to sit down and have a long talk with YOURSELF about if this is something you want to continue on after all. Sure, spouses can do things from time to time that may irritate us or get on our nerves, but to be annoyed right often and just plain out disgusted, to me is another issue all together. Yes, it does sound like you have fallen out of love with him and not just recently. Its kind of like everything that happened years ago, might just still be what you're carrying around with you, and that no matter what he does or says, you're going to be put off by it. But its your choice on what you want to do. Its your choice to be happy or not. Good luck.
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I also have addressed his passing gas in public and he says he doenst care what other people think of him. DEAL BREAKER. This speaks volumes. I mean, I too can understand pain , weight gain, and depression and even the cycle that may exist. But its a real partners responsibility to some extent to at least, at the VERY least, to not be blatantly rude and disgusting and then be freaking righteous about his right to be offensive. He doesnt care, but expects you to??? I would tell him I refuse to be seen in public with him. No. No way.
Author oannamarie Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I will have to put some thought in this. I am pretty sure I dont "love" him but I dont want to hurt him either and am afraid of destroying the kids lives with divorce. We get along, dont fight so the kids dont see anything negative in our relationship. My husband broke his back while four wheeling. He broke his ribs at work.
JackJack Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I will have to put some thought in this. I am pretty sure I dont "love" him but I dont want to hurt him either and am afraid of destroying the kids lives with divorce. We get along, dont fight so the kids dont see anything negative in our relationship. My husband broke his back while four wheeling. He broke his ribs at work. I think ALL people involved will be hurt by divorce to a degree, there is no way around it. HOWEVER, I also think people who stay in marriages that are not healthy or where there is no real love etc, it will be far more destructive to the kids more so than if you get divorced. Kids know more than you think, and you teach them by remaining in certain situations that this is ok and how its supposed to be. Wheather you stay or go, the kids will need some type of counseling possibly to learn to deal and cope with whatever.
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 He has absolutely no reason or excuse to feel entitled to give up control of his bowels. When he does that in public, people see him and you and your kids as....people who just "dont know any better." I would absolutely, without question, draw the line at this just as I would at say...pulling out his penis and pissing at an outdoor event. And if my kids were around? No.
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I have been married for 11 years. we have two kids together. I have been through alot with my husband. He was physically abusive to me up until about 5 years ago. I have cheated on him twice, 10 years ago and 5 years ago. He knows about both. He is so annoying. I cant stand to be around him at times. He is always injuring himself, broken back, broken ribs and wines and complains like a baby. I have to cater to him when he is home but he can go out with friends and be okay. When we are out in public he tells everyone he broke his back and ribs and wants sympathy for it. I feel like he disgusts me and cant stand him. I dont know if I have fell out of love with him. Sometimes I feel like if he cheated on me I wouldnt care because then he would leave me alone. Any opinions, Is this normal? I know how you feel... I fell out of love with my first ex.. it was soooo boring .. I wasn't disgusted per se.. but sex was a huge sacrifice.. I had no more feelings for him... it was like sleeping with my brother..ewww... so I left.. (I once told him to get a mistress, he was sooo pissed)... Not much you can do... you just don't love him anymore.. leave...
vox Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Wow, OP, at the beginning of this post, I thought you were a hateful frigid bitch. I've never done such a 180 during a post. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and I'd be packing my bags right now if I were you. He just gave up. Gave up on you, on your kids, his marriage, himself, life. You want to stay for the children?? What the hell kind of example is he setting for your children? If you stay, you're giving THAT a stamp of approval. Run. Run quickly.
tinktronik Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 It sounds like your husband may be suffering from depression. Gaining of over 100 pounds, failure to perceive what others may think of him, failure to dress will behave in a manner that's appropriate in public; this could possibly be caused by his injuries or prolonged time spent recuperating. It sounds to me like you're ready for a divorce. If this is not the case, in other words, if divorce is not something that you're absolutely sure you're ready to move forward on you may want to look into some counseling for your husband having to do with his anger, your infidelity, and any depressive issues he may have.
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