adamt Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I've never experienced someone close to me passing away yet but my ex lost her mom just before our break up. NC seems the best way to get over an ex. I just wonder if their are any similarities in how you get through both situations this way. I mean you go NC and cut them out of your life as if they don't exist anymore. Then you accept quicker that they are never coming back. In a way are you convincing yourself that they are not alive. When someone lose to you passes away is it any easier to accept they are gone. i expect it still hurts but do you come to terms with the reality quicker. If your partner passes away is it harder to get over than your partner splitting up and seeing them around with a new partner. i know of people who's partner passed away but they moved on just as quick. But then others who never seem to fully recover. One of my friends lost his girlfriend to illness when he was 30 and 6 years later he still seems not quite over her and not had a relationship.
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 When you have lost someone close to you to death, you will realize in a split second how very little it has in common with losing someone to a break up. Its the difference between a paper cut and an amputation.
Beardy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I wouldn't like to say one is worse than the other. I've had two people very close to me die this year and my girlfriend of over 5 years leave me for someone else. With the deaths, there was no anger really, just remorse and grief. And that still exists and probably never goes away completely. With the break-up, I'm angry and hurt, but I know it will pass. The relationship I had wasn't good (even if I thought it was), otherwise it wouldn't have ended. In the long run, it will be a good thing for me, even if it hurts now. So I guess, maybe a break-up is more intense because of the anger and hopes involved, but I'm pretty sure it'll be more short-lived than the grief I still feel for those I lost this year. I guess that is why your friend is taking so long to get over his late girlfriend.
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I've never experienced someone close to me passing away yet but my ex lost her mom just before our break up. ... I just wonder if their are any similarities in how you get through both situations this way. Interesting thoughts! In either case, we need to learn how to live without the other person -- not just cope/survive, but actually grow and thrive. And we eventually need to come to acceptance of the reality that the person is no longer in our life -- at some point, we need to give up our crying and missing and hoping and wanting another minute, hour or day with that person. IMO, in many ways, when it comes to healing/moving forward, it is the same whether they're dead or just not that into us anymore. The loss does look (very) different but the initial emotions are the same. Heartbreak is heartbreak. I'm not sure that it is "easier" to accept death over a break-up -- I think that some of the feelings, thoughts and perceptions during the grieving-healing process will just be different. And some will be the same. With death, though...you kind of always have access to the missing and wanting another minute, hour or day with that person. I feel that for my deceased dad, but not for any of living my exes.
marlena Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 When you have lost someone close to you to death, you will realize in a split second how very little it has in common with losing someone to a break up. Its the difference between a paper cut and an amputation. Yes, from a breakup, you eventually recover. From a death, you never recover.
brock9911 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 theres a huge difference because when your partner dies, you still love that person and that person still loved you. there was no bitterness or hatred. in a breakup, theres a lot of tension that builds up to that so you dont want them around and its easier to cope when you dont see them or hear from them. with death, you would give anything just to hear there voice or see their smile again
northstar1 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 When you have lost someone close to you to death, you will realize in a split second how very little it has in common with losing someone to a break up. Its the difference between a paper cut and an amputation. It may not have all that much in common, but both can have a devastating impact to someone's life. IF you lose someone, you can accept that they are dead and no longer inhabiting the planet. Yes, it's very hard to come to terms with the death of a close one, but at some point you do realize that there will no longer be the possibility of new memories/associations formed with that person. With a bad breakup with a long term partner, it is sometimes very hard to get over as you are aware that that person is still breathing and alive and continuing their own journey without you. That can be very difficult to accept and that is why for some, the grieving and acceptance can take months or years.
brock9911 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 It may not have all that much in common, but both can have a devastating impact to someone's life. IF you lose someone, you can accept that they are dead and no longer inhabiting the planet. Yes, it's very hard to come to terms with the death of a close one, but at some point you do realize that there will no longer be the possibility of new memories/associations formed with that person. With a bad breakup with a long term partner, it is sometimes very hard to get over as you are aware that that person is still breathing and alive and continuing their own journey without you. That can be very difficult to accept and that is why for some, the grieving and acceptance can take months or years. yeah but when your partner dies, they were taken from you. when you and your partner are driven to the point of a breakup, you eventually see the bad in the relationship and you eventually move on. and like you said it may take months or years to get over. when someone dies, you never get over it, you learn to deal and live with it but you will never forget or fully heal from it. they will always be part of your soul and you will always know that it ended with you both in love not.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Whoah, what a subject!! Talk about 8 million nuances, reliant on the dynamics of the relationship between the two individuals. Both can carry rejection and abandonment issues. Both can be overcome, at least the negative emotional aspects, reliant on how each individual processes loss. Some live in bitterness and loss. Others look to the future and enjoy the current.
northstar1 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Whoah, what a subject!! Talk about 8 million nuances, reliant on the dynamics of the relationship between the two individuals. Both can carry rejection and abandonment issues. Both can be overcome, at least the negative emotional aspects, reliant on how each individual processes loss. Some live in bitterness and loss. Others look to the future and enjoy the current. Good points. I like your moxie.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Good points. I like your moxie.Thanks. You've come a long way northstar! Your posts radiate positivity and internal balance. It's great to see you happy, once again.
loved3709 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I recently lost my boyfriend tragically. A breakup is nothing compared to the devastation I feel right now. We loved each other very much and then he was suddenly gone...no warning, no arguments, no tension...just gone and now I have to deal with the agony that I will never see him again, I will never bump into him on the street and have that awkward first exchange. I have to live with the fact that I can't be with him and it wasn't our choice...someone else made that decision for us. That is tourture! Breakups can be handled with Tequila and a rebound.
Nuala83 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I've never experienced someone close to me passing away yet but my ex lost her mom just before our break up. NC seems the best way to get over an ex. I just wonder if their are any similarities in how you get through both situations this way. I mean you go NC and cut them out of your life as if they don't exist anymore. Then you accept quicker that they are never coming back. In a way are you convincing yourself that they are not alive. When someone lose to you passes away is it any easier to accept they are gone. i expect it still hurts but do you come to terms with the reality quicker. If your partner passes away is it harder to get over than your partner splitting up and seeing them around with a new partner. i know of people who's partner passed away but they moved on just as quick. But then others who never seem to fully recover. One of my friends lost his girlfriend to illness when he was 30 and 6 years later he still seems not quite over her and not had a relationship. As bad as this might sound to say, I found my bf leaving me so much more painful than my father dying. I don't know how to explain this because I loved my dad dearly yet 1 year later I'm over his death. Almost 6 months post breakup and I'm not over my ex. I think there might be a couple of reasons for this. When my dad died I had no choice but to pull myself together, arrange his funeral, grieve, sort out his affairs etc. It was final, it was permanent and it was painful but it very gradually became less painful and I moved on. Also my dad's love for me was never questioned. However, when my ex left me I had to deal with feelings of betrayal (the other woman), anger, grieving, mind games, trying desperately to reverse the situation and trying to grapple with whether or not seeing him was best or not. And there's always the hope in the back of your mind that they might come back and take your pain away. You're not just dealing with grief, you're dealing with insecurity, jealousy, broken trust and you begin to seriously question the whole relatonship and yourself. Bloody hell! He just texted me. S*iiiiiiittt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1
Art_Critic Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Bloody hell! He just texted me. S*iiiiiiittt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is why your BF leaving you seems more painful.... After losing 2 parents to cancer I can honestly say that you cannot compare which one is worse.. I would much rather deal with a breakup then deal with the death of someone meaningful in my life. I miss my Dad and Step Mom each day and my Dad passed away 23 years ago and my Step Mom passed away 6 years ago. I recently had a child.. my first biological and nothing is harder then to know that he will never know his Grandparents and they will never know him.. With death you have to face that you will never see that person ever again..you will never hear them and most likely you will watch them get buried 6 feet under the ground. Death is forever and without warning or reasoning.. I can't think of a GF that I went on too long missing. certainly not past a year and certainly not 23 years later... you move on in love relationships.. you never move on when someone dies on you...
Ronni_W Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 As bad as this might sound to say, I found my bf leaving me so much more painful than my father dying. No, that doesn't sound "bad". With death, we KNOW that we have to accept it because dead is dead. But when they're still walking around somewhere on the planet, we don't have that same certainty of NEVER being able to change/repair/improve things...and it's in the uncertainty that our minds can play tricks on us, and keep us suffering longer than we ought to. My dad died 35 years ago. My marriage ended 10 years ago. Today, the two are totally, totally different. And some of it is the same. For me, it's not "bad" or "good" -- it just is how it is. Bloody hell! He just texted me. S*iiiiiiittt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope THAT went okay for you -- sending hugs and strength, courage...whatever you need.
Nuala83 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 After losing 2 parents to cancer I can honestly say that you cannot compare which one is worse.. Death is forever and without warning or reasoning.. I can't think of a GF that I went on too long missing. certainly not past a year and certainly not 23 years later... you move on in love relationships.. you never move on when someone dies on you... It's a different sort of love though. For the record, my dad's death was extremely sad because he was a suicide and yet here I am a year down the line feeling ok. I still think about him every day without exception but I went through the grieving process and let go. I know I'll do the same with my ex but with him I'm grieving the loss of my first love, my best friend and the future I imagined we were going to have together. I'm also dealing with the knowledge that he doesn't seem that affected by the break up and that has been a crushing blow to my self esteem and confidence. Then there's my imagination to contend with.... People do move on when someone dies. It's never quite the same and you'e left with an invisible scar but somehow I've managed to make peace with what my dad did and how he's no longer around. But I haven't reached that place with my ex yet...as is probably plain to see. I don't know if it's different seeing someone die slowly from something like cancer or losing them suddenly and without any warning like I lost my dad. But I'm getting off track. Oh and I haven't responded to the text. It wasn't anything of any significance and I've started to notice a pattern of him calling every so often, asking what I'm doing then disapearing for weeks. Frankly I don't need that.
Art_Critic Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 It's a different sort of love though. For the record, my dad's death was extremely sad because he was a suicide and yet here I am a year down the line feeling ok. I still think about him every day without exception but I went through the grieving process and let go. I know I'll do the same with my ex but with him I'm grieving the loss of my first love, my best friend and the future I imagined we were going to have together. I'm also dealing with the knowledge that he doesn't seem that affected by the break up and that has been a crushing blow to my self esteem and confidence. Then there's my imagination to contend with.... People do move on when someone dies. It's never quite the same and you'e left with an invisible scar but somehow I've managed to make peace with what my dad did and how he's no longer around. But I haven't reached that place with my ex yet...as is probably plain to see. I don't know if it's different seeing someone die slowly from something like cancer or losing them suddenly and without any warning like I lost my dad. But I'm getting off track. Oh and I haven't responded to the text. It wasn't anything of any significance and I've started to notice a pattern of him calling every so often, asking what I'm doing then disapearing for weeks. Frankly I don't need that. You know what... you are wonderful..that post was very nice.. I'm sorry that you've had to go thru that.. **Hugz ** and yeah.. don't reply to the text
Nuala83 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I didn't reply to the text. In spite of how it may appear, I have been listening to the advice you've been giving and I appreciate it. Hugs are always welcome
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