unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Just found out XMM's wife is four months pregnant so it seems I ended things just in time. We had an affair for a year and a half. I loved him, still do, will always. I ended it as it was too hard being second best with no future in sight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. So it's true, when they say they aren't sleeping with the wife they LIE!!!!! He told me they had only done it twice in three years. LIE!!!! He didn't find her attractive whatsoever. LIE!!!!! To remain married to her would mean a sexless marriage. LIE!!!! Finding this out has helped me somewhat. Yes I am upset but more angry and anger is good when dealing with withdrawal. Men Lie. Period. I'm still devastated though.
jwi71 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Men Lie. Period. Well...I want to say that not ALL men lie. All WS lie.. And I hope, that once the anger simmers down, the hurt subsides...you reflect upon this affair. Not some much him...but yourself and how a normally intelligent woman allows herself to be sucked in... Sorry you feel betrayed. It does pass...and, now perhaps you have greater understanding when some say "winning" the WS is really losing. JW
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Sorry yes I should rephrase - WS's lie, not all men. Sorry. It isn't the fact that they slept together that hurts most - I expected he would, he was married after all (I said this to him numerous times). It's just the fact he lied and I believed it. But...I knew he was liar by definition of being in an affair so I am stupid and naive I guess. I feel so humiliated.
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I feel sorry for that baby coming into the world with a father of no character or morals. What will that sweet child learn from him? Maybe the W will find out and move on before the baby is born. Tough, as a mother, that made my decision that much harder. I don't think most women are willing to take their child away from the father(yes, I know. This is a common threat so MM say), so the odds are she will stay.
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 IKJH - yes I believed him. This wasn't a random MM I picked up off the street, it was someone I had been close friends with for 12 years before the affair even began. Yes I was an idiot to believe him - but believe me the affair 'fog' does exist and I think I would have believed anything I was so caught up in it all. We always had a vow of honesty between each other as we had had as friends. He was always honest with me even when I didn't want to hear what he was saying - he told me he could never make me any promises and was upfront about his reasons for staying (his child), he never once strung me along....so I am shocked at this news. But yep I admit I am a fool. How could I be so stupid? I am so together in all areas of my life, what happened?
confusedinkansas Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Men Lie. Period. Married MEN & WOMEN lie when they are in an affair. ( - Who Knew!!) In the past I have chatted with married men on line - off & on - & most will say that their wives are not interested in sex....don't have sex....been years since they had sex....yadda yadda yadda - Just to get a woman to even meet them - they use this tactic. Look here in LS.......LOOK How many MEN post that their wives aren't interested in sex anymore? This is why they go looking. In their brains (MEN) they think that IF they aren't having sex on a daily basis they need to go look for more excitement!! (OK Done ranting about MEN) Women on the other hand - go looking for affection, communication, romance.........They LIE to their affair partners & say that their husbands NEVER take them out, they NEVER talk to them (well this part is mostly true) Doesn't give them a reason to step out on their spouses.......NONE of it does. BUT SH~IT HAPPENS! All the time. I'm sorry you are in so much pain about this. You use the word devistated - I'm sure that's an understatement. You are angry because of the wife - but you are still hurt over the end of the affair (even if you were the one that called it quits) it's VERY painful to let someone go that you love. Probably more painful knowing that he's there with his "happy" family. - Don't kid yourself on this one - Probably within 6 months of this kid being born he'll probably come knocking on your door. This is a tough one - I wish you the best. NC is the answer......but you probably already know that.
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 If you have known the MM for 12 years I am going to assume you know his wife. If this is the case what do you plan to do?
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Thanks for the support. Think it just hurts more as I can't have kids of my own. Yep he lied. And I am an idiot. Thank God for Loveshack.x
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 What do I plan to do? Nothing. Yes I do know his wife but not in a friendship way so I don't need to be rushing round there with a congratulations card. I met MM through years at the same bookclub (sounds geeky) which she didn't attend but I met her at various social occasions over the years so I know of her but don't know her as a friend if that makes sense.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Sorry that you are hurting, unhappy. I don't want to t/j this thread with something that it makes me think about, so I am going to start a new thread. Again, sorry you are hurting. How did you find out she is pregnant?
Confused4Now Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Sorry that you are hurting, unhappy. I don't want to t/j this thread with something that it makes me think about, so I am going to start a new thread. Again, sorry you are hurting. How did you find out she is pregnant? Almost feels like a D-day to me....I don't know what's worse. Being thrown under the bus or finding out your MW is pregnant. Just keep busy with with yourself and sorry for your pain.
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Found out she was pregnant via her announcement on Facebook. Joy! Thanks for the support. I guess I deserve this pain - what goes around comes around etc...should have gotten involved with a married man. It's my fault.
OpenBook Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Men Lie. Period. Truer words were never spoken. When a man is trying to impress a woman, he will lie. All men do this, whether they're married or single. No exceptions. It is an unfortunate fact of life. Men lie to women, deceiving them in order to further their sexual ambitions with them. A woman is wise to recognize this and be on guard with EVERY MAN who crosses her path. Don't take what he says at face value. Instead, pay attention to what he DOES. I am sorry you are hurting, unhappylady. Welcome to the human race. Isn't it great.
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Thank you so much for your support. The only saving grace is that the affair was over - thank god I didn't find this out two months ago when I was still seeing a future for us... x
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 She's on your friend list on facebook? Or do you have access to her page? Take care of you and be glad it ended - You're free of the dynamtics and pain of an A.
jj33 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Yes Thank God you are out. If youd found out while you were seeing him who knows? The child might be fathrless and you might be in jail. Be proud of yourself that you ended it.
fooled once Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Quit looking at her and his facebook pages........
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Truer words were never spoken. When a man is trying to impress a woman, he will lie. All men do this, whether they're married or single. No exceptions. It is an unfortunate fact of life. Men lie to women, deceiving them in order to further their sexual ambitions with them. A woman is wise to recognize this and be on guard with EVERY MAN who crosses her path. Don't take what he says at face value. Instead, pay attention to what he DOES. I am sorry you are hurting, unhappylady. Welcome to the human race. Isn't it great. Yes men lie and all women should know this but women lie to. Just look at how many female cheaters are on this board
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Can I just defend myself here - neither he or she are my friends on facebook. She happens to work with a relative of mine - and when this relative posted her congratulations the whole thread appeared on my facebook page as I am linked to the relative. I have ended the affair, closed my email accounts, changed my mobile number and home number - and maintained NC for over a month now. Please give me a break.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Can I just defend myself here - neither he or she are my friends on facebook. She happens to work with a relative of mine - and when this relative posted her congratulations the whole thread appeared on my facebook page as I am linked to the relative. I have ended the affair, closed my email accounts, changed my mobile number and home number - and maintained NC for over a month now. Please give me a break. I was wondering how you saw that on Facebook if you weren't their friend. That explains things. Still sucks, though. I can't imagine your shock as you sat down just to catch up.
Author unhappylady Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 No it wasn't the best moment ever. Nobody in my life knows about what's happened with MM so it isn't my relative's fault I saw what she had written. I keep having flashbacks of the three days following my ending of the affair where roses and loving messages were delivered to my home and work pleading with me not to walk away..... So proud I didn't buckle. Thanks for your support.
donnamaybe Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 So proud I didn't buckle. Good for you! Now you get to have your own life instead of allowing some man to rule your every mood like so many in this forum. It's sad.
confusedinkansas Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Yes Thank God you are out. If youd found out while you were seeing him who knows? The child might be fathrless and you might be in jail. Be proud of yourself that you ended it. Why would she be in JAIL:rolleyes:
Reggie Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Truer words were never spoken. When a man is trying to impress a woman, he will lie. All men do this, whether they're married or single. No exceptions. It is an unfortunate fact of life. Men lie to women, deceiving them in order to further their sexual ambitions with them. A woman is wise to recognize this and be on guard with EVERY MAN who crosses her path. Don't take what he says at face value. Instead, pay attention to what he DOES. I am sorry you are hurting, unhappylady. Welcome to the human race. Isn't it great. [/quote I disagree with this. Neither gender has a monopoly on honesty. Also, many, many women are just looking for sex vs affection, etc. IMO. I've seen this firsthand, especially when I was younger and decent looking.
Reggie Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 No it wasn't the best moment ever. Nobody in my life knows about what's happened with MM so it isn't my relative's fault I saw what she had written. I keep having flashbacks of the three days following my ending of the affair where roses and loving messages were delivered to my home and work pleading with me not to walk away..... So proud I didn't buckle. Thanks for your support. Sounds like he was quite the liar. And, as you have referenced, you have integrity and boundary issues, as well. Live and learn(and get therapy or something for the honesty issues).
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