socializing at work

[shadowplay]

My part time job (which I started in late May) has been going very well overall. Although it's a small, local company, I'm getting invaluable experience in every aspect my field (film production/post-production). I've already proven myself as a hard, reliable worker to my superiors.

 

While I sense that they like me, I still feel like I haven't totally bowled them over because of my poor social skills. I'm sure I'd stand out more to them if they felt some camaraderie with me.

 

Part of my job involves working the front desk on off mornings. It's an easy job, except it requires a lot of small-talking. My superiors are constantly passing by the desk and starting conversations.

 

I do everything I can to come off as friendly. I smile a lot, I try to listen and look engaged, I respond to what they're saying. But -- and this has been a huge problem throughout my adult life -- when it comes to making ad lib comments of my own I choke up.

 

I'm starting to think it's some sort of attentional thing. My brain just isn't wired for that kind of conversing, so it's about ten times more difficult for me than it is for everyone else. One problem is I almost automatically tune out when the other person is talking. It's an inner struggle for me to pay attention. Not sure if this is purely attentional or anxiety or both. Instead my focus keeps diverting to how I'm coming across. Am I nodding enough, smiling enough, making the proper "mmm's" and uh huh's"? Keep in mind I don't want to be thinking these thoughts, but I can't seem to control them. I really believe this is my ADD and general (severe) absent-mindedness which I'm in a never-ending battle with. It's the same part of me that continually forgets things, doesn't notice obvious details in my environment (what people are wearing), needs to have somebody repeat directions a few times.

 

I'm terrible at improvising things to say. My mind just blanks. You know how somebody will make a jokey comment and it's clear that you're expected to craft a jokey response in return? Well, if I don't know the person, 95% of the time I can't think of anything.

 

For what it's worth, the conversation always flows with people I'm close to. But in those cases we have a shared history and I can always fall back on inside jokes.

 

Any advice on how to solve this problem?

[thelipless]

Honestly, I don't view this as a problem. Its more of the fact that you just don't get along with these people. Thats why you are friends with the people you are friends with because you get along you can talk to them and converse because it just flows, that's why you spend time with them.

 

Some people get along with more people than others, its just how they are. Where I work, a small company with around 15 employees, there are only 2 people currently working there that I really get along with on a conversational level. There were others who I also got along with but they left. Don't get me wrong, I get along with everyone I work with, but when it comes down to having an enjoyable engaging conversation, there are only a select few I share that with at my work place.

[joseffrost]

I used to have the same problem - for me it was completely a confidence thing. I would worry about saying the wrong thing or not being funny/witty/clever enough in my reply.

 

It took moving to London, with very people I knew around me, to cure me. Sometimes the best thing to do is take a gamble, be yourself and realise that there's nothing to be scared of.

[shadowplay]

I used to have the same problem - for me it was completely a confidence thing. I would worry about saying the wrong thing or not being funny/witty/clever enough in my reply.

 

It took moving to London, with very people I knew around me, to cure me. Sometimes the best thing to do is take a gamble, be yourself and realise that there's nothing to be scared of.

 

Where are you from originally? Did you find people in London to be friendlier? Interesting there's a Londoner who works in my office and he's actually one of the friendlier, easier to talk to people here.

[joseffrost]

Where are you from originally? Did you find people in London to be friendlier? Interesting there's a Londoner who works in my office and he's actually one of the friendlier, easier to talk to people here.

 

No, from a little town in the country originally, but moved around the States and Europe alot when I was young. You'd think changing schools every year would have made me more outgoing, but if anything it made me realise how fleeting friendships can be.

 

Moving here took me out of my comfort zone though, and though I don't think Londoners en masse are more chatty than anyone else, there are plenty of people here in the same boat and it becomes surprisingly easy after a while.

[imani]

Lipless has a good point. I think you're smart to be this way Shadowplay. I don't see it as being odd. Its fine to be sociable at work to a degree, but its best to have your real friends outside of the workplace. Money, titles, and promotions on the line can make "work friends" change their tune quicker than scat.

 

Try not to make yourself out to be weird. You're perfectly normal in this way of thinking. Like Lipless, some people you're just going to get on better with than others. It doesn't make you antisocial, it just means you're probably selective on who you let into your life.

[Ariadne]

I almost automatically tune out when the other person is talking. It's an inner struggle for me to pay attention.

Any advice on how to solve this problem?

 

Omg, I have the same exact problem.

 

I have to be very engaged in what people are saying, say, if they are telling me a personal story that I find interesting to actually pay attention.

 

If people just talk, or, even worse, if there are three people in the conversation, I absolutely don't hear a word of what they say. And same as you, I panic at times when I go blank that they are going to notice.

 

The worst part is when one says a joke, and then they look at me for the reaction of how funny it was, and I have no idea what they just said.

 

I just "smile" and then they think I'm being rude or didn't get the joke.

 

I don't even know what to tell you..

 

Usually I just say, cool cool, or yeah... or smile. Or change the subject and ask another question.

[shadowplay]

It went a lot better today. I think I'm finally winning them over. My main strategy is to be as helpful as possible. People seem to appreciate that even if my social skills are lacking.

[tblucky]

It went a lot better today. I think I'm finally winning them over. My main strategy is to be as helpful as possible. People seem to appreciate that even if my social skills are lacking.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by acknowledging that you are experiencing difficulties because that is the first step to getting at the root of your problem. I would not downgrade yourself as someone who lacks social skills, as you are fine with people you feel comfortable with. After all, your social skills are not determined by how witty you are, but they are determined by your ability to become genuinely interested in others and develop a connection with them.

 

Some people are just not very witty. In fact, there are people who spend their entire lives trying to be funny as comedians and fail to make people laugh. I would try instead to be comfortable with not being funny. Try to relax by focusing more on others instead of yourself, and focus on the core social skills based on good listening and openness. Everyone has some sense of humor and that side of you will naturally come out when you learn to be confident around others.

 

I really do not think that trying to win the approval of others by serving them is a successful strategy in the long run. In relationships, think win-win. If you follow the lose-win mentality, you will fulfill everyone elses' desires but neglect yours, which matter as well.