shouldaknown Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Ok, First I want to say that he is not a jerk or any other bad name given to most liars. We have been together for almost 2 years and during those 2 years have had our "tragic family moments", all of which he handled with dignity and care and didnt have to. We are not married and he could have walked away, and in my opinion if he were any of those bad names liars are given he could have easily walked away and never looked back. Now, when we first met it was a 6 month long distance thing where we talked on the phone almost every day and had only really met in person for a brief 3 weeks before the long distance thing started. And didn't start actually dating until he moved to where I lived after the 6 months. We talked about everything...what we liked and disliked...yada, yada...basically we probably asked each other every question possible by the time the real relationship started (I dont count the 6 months of the LD relationship in our 2 years together) So, we did start off very quickly after he moved to where I was and we moved in together within a couple months...I know bad idea. Anyways, a year later, we bought a house in Nova Scotia and I came across a Phone book (yes a little black one...lol) I thought GREAT! and started to flip through it, only to find out that basically his entire past is a big fat lie. He told me he was an orphan and a bunch of other stuff and i see in this book "dad" and "brother" etc....Well I freaked out and emailed him...I am not so good at face to face. I didn't tell him I knew EVERYTHING (I called his brother and got a whole lot of info...not all good) and made him explain the numbers and names in the book. I almost died when the first thing he said to me was "I don't know where to start...I have been liar my whole life and I don't know where the truth ends and the lies begin". All I wanted him to explain was the book, I wasnt expecting him to lay it all out on the table. Admitted to a family and lots of other stuff. So my question is - Since he admitted to me on his own alot of the stuff should I trust that he will be semi truthful in the future? Or Am I to prepare for the ride of my life? There are alot of things I know about from his brother that he didnt admit to, but I am hoping that since the door has been opened maybe he will start to tell more honestly some of these things without me having to attack him with the knowledge I already have. I know that compulsive liars will lie further if they feel attacked and so I want to avoid this at all costs, believe me since this has happened I have been doing alot of reading. I really love him, and I am trying to convince him that I love him for who he is nw and not for who he was many years ago, but a liar has a hard time differentiating circumstances and just does it because thats what they do. I am very confused and a bit scared but I dont want to leave especially if this is because of some kind of disorder, I would feel like I am abandoning him right when he was coming clean. Help please tell me I am not the only one out there with dilemma.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Since one aspect of courtship is the opportunity to screen your partner for fitness as a mate, I don't understand why you'd ignore the results of the process. At the very least, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time he's late, every time he sounds funny on the phone, each time things don't add up, won't you wonder? At the very least, I'd suggest taking a break while he deals with some very real issues. Relationships are hard enough, but a relationship with someone you can't trust just seems doomed from the beginning... Mr. Lucky
Author shouldaknown Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Mr. Lucky... I totally get that he may very well, take on on a huge rollecoaster ride, but doesn't the fact that he came clean with a load of stuff that he wasn't aware I even knew about mean anything? I have alot invested in this relationship...house, time...etc. I know it was a dusey but isn't there a way to make this work? Something I can do besides just running away....Its exactly what he did and why he lied. Doesn't that just show him thats it's ok to do that? Run when things get tough? He stuck by me during a really bad time and he could have easily just walked away. I know we aren't married and that gives me the freedom to some extent to go without a dramatic divorce but I want to help him not leave him. Maybe I just need to give him the opportunity to show me he will or won't do it again before I leave...but at least I will be prepared for it. I dunno. Mishileena
Teslacoil Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 If you had a husband that stuck with you while your mom had cancer, would that excuse the fact that he beat you? Should you stay in that relationship out of obligation? Amusingly enough, some women would and do. It's an extreme example, but you get the idea. Just because he's "stuck with you" through tough times doesn't mean you're required to stay with him, and it doesn't mean you should overlook his other shortcomings. There are plenty of other guys out there who I'm sure would have stayed with you through those tough times and aren't compulsive liars. Wouldn't you rather find one of them? You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that "He'll change" or you can help him change. Don't fall for that. You can't change him, and you have no guarantees that he'll change himself. From the sound of it, this guy has been lying a very long time and is quite set in his lying ways. He should probably get individual counseling for the problem, if it is so severe that he's lying about family members. This is a HUGE red flag on your relationship. Stay around if you want to, I'm sure there are other positive aspects to the relationship that make you want to stay. However, think REALLY hard before you even ponder marrying this guy, or getting pregnant.
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 A compulsive liar that had not been at least contemplating trying to change and who was not feeling really crappy about it all ...when confronted initially , would have lied. Would have said they had some kind of illness Would have said the family was too f'd up, would have said abuse made him do it, etc, etc, But this guy came right out and said : Ive been a liar my whole life Yes, theres a lot of work to do here. But you said that the other 90% that makes up your life with him is good so maybe the work is worth exploring with him.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I think there is something here. Is he ashamed of his family that he would lie and basically say that they don't exist to you? I agree with the others that you have been dealt a blow in the trust department, but I think there is so much more to this story. Sounds like you need to meet the family before you make this relationship a permanent one. You've been together for YEARS and he's be lying about having family? That's pretty twisted, though. You have to at least consider that part. Is he ashamed of you and not the family? Lots of questions and his lies have really made everything about as clear as mud.
justpassingthrough Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Break wide and cut your losses. IMHO, people lie when they're afraid to tell the truth and the fear is the reaction of the person they aren't telling the truth to. He's decided your opinion of whatever it is in his life he chose to lie about for you and didn't give you the dignity of doing that yourself. Nothing like forcing an opinion on someone and taking away their choices. More than that, he didn't come clean until he was confronted. Nope. There are more fish in the sea. Time to bait your hook and move on.
Author shouldaknown Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 A compulsive liar that had not been at least contemplating trying to change and who was not feeling really crappy about it all ...when confronted initially , would have lied. Would have said they had some kind of illness Would have said the family was too f'd up, would have said abuse made him do it, etc, etc, But this guy came right out and said : Ive been a liar my whole life Yes, theres a lot of work to do here. But you said that the other 90% that makes up your life with him is good so maybe the work is worth exploring with him. Thank you...that was my intial point was the fact that he could have only admitted to the family thing...but there was so much more that he ca out with I really wasn't expecting it. Quite frankly I was expecting him just to cover it up with more lies.
Author shouldaknown Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I think there is something here. Is he ashamed of his family that he would lie and basically say that they don't exist to you? I agree with the others that you have been dealt a blow in the trust department, but I think there is so much more to this story. Sounds like you need to meet the family before you make this relationship a permanent one. You've been together for YEARS and he's be lying about having family? That's pretty twisted, though. You have to at least consider that part. Is he ashamed of you and not the family? Lots of questions and his lies have really made everything about as clear as mud. After talking to his brother it is definatley not me he is ashamed of, but rather his whole enitre past. I am just worried that he i so bent on eliminating them from his life thats it's not healthy...they didn't screw up, he did. Maybe the problem is shame he can't deal with ??? I don't know
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 He purged. That cannot be a bad thing. Whether you end the relationship or not , He has come a long way.
Author shouldaknown Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 If you had a husband that stuck with you while your mom had cancer, would that excuse the fact that he beat you? Should you stay in that relationship out of obligation? Amusingly enough, some women would and do. It's an extreme example, but you get the idea. Just because he's "stuck with you" through tough times doesn't mean you're required to stay with him, and it doesn't mean you should overlook his other shortcomings. There are plenty of other guys out there who I'm sure would have stayed with you through those tough times and aren't compulsive liars. Wouldn't you rather find one of them? You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that "He'll change" or you can help him change. Don't fall for that. You can't change him, and you have no guarantees that he'll change himself. From the sound of it, this guy has been lying a very long time and is quite set in his lying ways. He should probably get individual counseling for the problem, if it is so severe that he's lying about family members. This is a HUGE red flag on your relationship. Stay around if you want to, I'm sure there are other positive aspects to the relationship that make you want to stay. However, think REALLY hard before you even ponder marrying this guy, or getting pregnant. We are both past the stage of having more children...both sides are grown and gone , so it's just the 2 of us. I have no intentions of being married again to anyone not just him. We agreed that at the beginning of the relationship that it was something neither of us were interested in doing again and were quite content wth just sharing our lives together. But the sharing has been apparently one sided up til now
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 After talking to his brother it is definatley not me he is ashamed of, but rather his whole enitre past. I am just worried that he i so bent on eliminating them from his life thats it's not healthy...they didn't screw up, he did. Maybe the problem is shame he can't deal with ??? I don't know That's what it sounds like to me too. Like he's ashamed of something and felt that he had to lie about it. But why would he say he was a liar all his life, if its just about some incident/s that he's ashamed of? KWIM? I certainly don't expect you to broadcast all over this page what happened, but I hope you look into it with him and maybe with the help of a therapist.
Author shouldaknown Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 That's what it sounds like to me too. Like he's ashamed of something and felt that he had to lie about it. But why would he say he was a liar all his life, if its just about some incident/s that he's ashamed of? KWIM? I certainly don't expect you to broadcast all over this page what happened, but I hope you look into it with him and maybe with the help of a therapist. There is alot of stuff regarding his past and his family that goes back years and years....lets just say that had he been completely truthful with me I may not have been interested in being a part of it. But now I am and I want to support him because he really isn't that person now, at least not with me he isnt. I think part of it is that he grew up a bit (funny that men take so long to do that sometimes ) and now is trying to leave the past behind, but in order to do that you have to face the past in my opinion. We have yet to have a real heart to heart about this but it will be coming soon and I will make my decision based on how he wants to deal with it all. If he isn't willing to move forward by cleaning up the past then I doubt I can be of any help and will have to move on. You can't help those who won't help themselves, as much as I would like to think I can Mishileena
Thornton Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 You really don't know him at all, so how can you love him? He created a lie and you fell in love with it, but it wasn't real, he was lying to you all along. On the other hand, at least he has confessed to some stuff, so at least it's a step forward... but he's strung you along with lies for such a long time that if I were you I'd feel betrayed. Having said that, I'm a sucker so if I loved him I'd probably hang around and try to "fix" him, even though I know logically that fixing people never works and the sensible thing would be to dump him. Ultimately it's up to you if you want to give him a second chance or not, but I'd suggest making it clear to him that there won't be any more chances, he needs to seek medical treatment and if he lies to you again you're gone.
Author shouldaknown Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 You really don't know him at all, so how can you love him? He created a lie and you fell in love with it, but it wasn't real, he was lying to you all along. On the other hand, at least he has confessed to some stuff, so at least it's a step forward... but he's strung you along with lies for such a long time that if I were you I'd feel betrayed. Having said that, I'm a sucker so if I loved him I'd probably hang around and try to "fix" him, even though I know logically that fixing people never works and the sensible thing would be to dump him. Ultimately it's up to you if you want to give him a second chance or not, but I'd suggest making it clear to him that there won't be any more chances, he needs to seek medical treatment and if he lies to you again you're gone. And I agree 100%....of course I am no idiot, I know I was duped, and I dont love hm for what he was but what he is now (minus the big fat lie) It's hrd to explain and if it doesnt work out I will be very sad and I will miss him alot but I will know it will be for the best. But I will give him the opportunity to work it out.
ItsOnlyMe Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 So my question is - Since he admitted to me on his own alot of the stuff should I trust that he will be semi truthful in the future? Or Am I to prepare for the ride of my life? There are alot of things I know about from his brother that he didnt admit to, but I am hoping that since the door has been opened maybe he will start to tell more honestly some of these things without me having to attack him with the knowledge I already have. <snip> Help please tell me I am not the only one out there with dilemma. You're not the only one. Not by a long shot. I'm new to this forum, and this is my first post. You don't know me, obviously, and I don't know you. You don't know my story. My words to you are based on my experience, so take them as that alone. No one can tell you what to do with your life. But, if you're brave enough to look, you'll find that you're kind of like Dorothy with the ruby slippers...you have the power to get back to Kansas any time you want; you just have to go through a lot before you actually believe in that power. There's a reason you are where you are--right here, asking these questions, dealing with these fears. You'll figure it out if you keep looking for the answers inside yourself, and not outside. My husband is and always has been a liar. In his case, he has a personality disorder and other mental health issues, but that doesn't excuse his behavior, and it doesn't change how I deal with it. I have compassion for all that he's gone through to become the person he is--broken people don't become what they are without a very interesting and often painful life history--but I'm learning new ways every day to take care of myself and not constantly fall prey to his tactics. It isn't easy. You asked whether you should trust your partner because he came clean with you. If his lies were small ones--the little white lies we all tell from time to time--I'd say you'd be pretty safe. But these lies he told you are far from small. It's the same way with my husband. Speaking from my experience I can tell you that the answer to your question of whether you can trust him to be semi-truthful now that he was partially honest with you is a resounding NO. Admission of a lie or lies will not stop future lying in a person with a long and complex history of lying. (In fact, some liars will admit to certain things as a sort of "Get Out of Jail Free" card.) You can't get someone to stop being a liar--they have to want to stop, and they have to take some serious steps to address the underlying problems that cause them to lie. This means therapy. Lots of it. But telling you this is probably a lot less helpful to you than helping you deal with it. His lying is beyond your control. If you remember just ONE thing in the course of your relationship with this man, remember that. You didn't cause the lying, you can't control the lying, and you can't cure the lying. You CAN control your reactions to it. You CAN lay out for him some guidelines and tell him how you expect to be treated, and how he can expect you to react if he doesn't follow through on anything he has agreed to. You do not have the right to question him endlessly. That's toxic to a relationship, as I've spent years learning myself. You do not have the right to snoop through his private things. That's also toxic. You do have the right to ask him to help you cope with his deceit by disclosing things to you openly. He has the right to comply, or to not comply. You have the right to walk away, or try another tack, if he's unwilling to meet your requests. This is all very complex stuff, and yet it's all very simple, too. Be true to yourself above all. Listen to yourself. Follow your gut instincts. Don't try to mold this man into the person you want him to be--that's futile. Be the best person you can be, honor yourself, know how you deserve to be treated, and everything else will--I promise you!--begin to fall into place. Peace!
Author shouldaknown Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Thanks for letting me know I am NOT ALONE It does hurt alot,and I am often feeling pretty low right now but to top things off since I find now I am second guessing everything, as well I should, and in doing so found out there have been OW. Funny thing is he told them the same crap he told me....It's like he wants so badly for this lie to really be his life that he tells it over and over again. Anyways, I doubt this is fixable, but he will be home soon and we can talk about how we are going to proceed with our "relationship". Which I think will end with me saying a polite "thanks for wasting my time".
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