My wife is not 'in love' with me

[GeraldY]

Except for my wife, I have no one to talk to. This is my story. My wife and I have known each other for 16 years and have been married for close to 10. We have 2 beautiful young kids whom we both love tremendously. Our first few years of marriage was at least in my believe a happy one. My wife comes from a broken family and she was finally convinced to give her heart fully to me.

 

5 years ago, I did a stupid thing. On a business trip to the Philippines, I met a girl in bar and had a nice chat with her. On my return home, we texted each other with little phone messages of love. I did not have anything physical with her nor was there any feelings involved. It was really just opportunistic and a little bit of risky fun while one was away. I would never have seen the lady ever again or call/message her.

 

My wife discovered the messages.

 

I admitted to cheating on her - while not physically, i accept that it was emotional cheating. Things were rocky and I pleaded for another chance. I told my wife that I would never cheat on her whether physically or emotionally again. And at the time, I thought she allowed me back into her life. I have kept to my promise to regain her trust.

 

I believe that I am a good father and husband. My wife confirms this. I have supported my wife in her career while I have forged ahead with mine. we spend time with the children. We have sex which I thought was good. we spend family time, go on trips and enjoy ourselves with friends and family.

 

Of course there were the occasional flare ups. Her key grouses was communication (or my lack of it) and emotional connection.

 

We worked on our marriage. Saw a marriage counsellor once or twice, but the counsellor was not really helpful. We worked on it ourselves. To my mind, things eventually settled down and I sought to regain her trust and love by being a reliable father and husband, supportive of my wife's career. The last 5 years was not easy but we functioned like a normal husband and wife and family.

 

A few days ago, I discovered a short message on my wife's phone from a guy at work asking her to meet privately and with the hidden mesage of a tryst (the guy said that his house was empty after dropping off his kid).

 

I confronted my wife and we had a major flare up. She denied any affair or that she was physically intimate with anyone. In any event, she put a stop to the message and she assured me that there would not be any further communicaton with him. Not really sure I believe her since trust is in short supply now but I do not want to be distracted by whether it was true or not. Suffice for my purpose, she has ended any dealings with this guy.

 

In the course of our confrontation, our relationship came up. It seems that she loves me but not in the way that I want it. She says that she loves me as a good father to the children and as a person who she has known for the past 16 years sharing in her life, but she is no longer "in love" with me. Recollecting, it is true that while we do have sex, this is usually initiated by me. In the last 5 years, her expressions of affection has dwindled to the point of non-existent. She has told me that in fact she has not recovered from my indiscretion and that in the last 5 years she has hung on for the kids. We had several discussions in the last few days and she had told me that given a choice, she does not prefer my company to her friends and colleagues. While she accepts that I have gained her trust int he last 5 years and she is sure that I would never cheat again, she says that there is no emotional connection or affection.

 

Unemotionally, we discussed divorce, trial separation, maintaining the status quo and carrying out in this marriage for the kids. she says she is confused.

 

I'm devastated and not sure what to do. I love her very much and have often told her and shown her. She acknowledges this. I alternate between depression and elation. I have said to her that I will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going and stronger. But her emotional walls are up and reinforced and she is convinced that I will not be able to succeed. I am not sure whether she is challenging me to work harder.

 

At the same time, she has said to me that she is not worth investing my time and efforts and that I should find someone who loves me as much as I could love them.

 

After several long nights of discussions (after the kids have gone to bed), she has said that she needs time to think and I have therefore arranged for a short "business" trip over the next few days.

 

I do not know what to do now or what i could do. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and from having given up smoking for many years, have fone thorugh 2 packs a day. Help me.

[Thornton]

You cheated and your wife never fully recovered her love and trust for you; this has probably been the source of many of the flare-ups in your relationship in recent years. If she hasn't been able to get over it in the last five years, that doesn't bode well for her ever getting over it. It sounds like you irreversibly ruined your relationship when you cheated, given that counselling and your best efforts to be a good husband and patch things up have not worked.

 

If her key grouses are lack of communication and emotional connection, then you know what you need to work on in order to save your marriage... if you can persuade your wife to work on things with you. It's possible she was feeling negative about the relationship because she was being influenced by this other man, and now he's gone she may be more willing to work on things. Really all you can do is give her some space and work on your communication skills. Make sure this man is definitely out of her life though, because it sounds like everything was ticking along ok despite your indiscretion, until he came on the scene. Is it possible that she's using your indiscretion as an excuse to end the relationship so she can be with him?

[GeraldY]

Thanks for your message. T

 

I cannot be sure that she's using your indiscretion as an excuse to end the relationship so she can be with him. The chap is a person at her workplace. The opportunities are always there although she assures me that she will be candid with me if he does message or call her. I don't think the focus is the man but that she feels she has developed into a different person and that there are others out there whom she does feel a connection with - friends and colleagues.

 

Gods i feel so lousy.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Why do people and you say that you cheated on her???? You did not..... You talked to someone of the opposite sex and exchanged stupid emails nothing more.

 

Your wife is emotionally distant and reactions blown out of proportion. While things probably should have been handled much differently 5 years back, unfortunately that is too late. I hate to be blunt, but too often spouses use the lack of communication (usually an allegation the wife levels against the husband), and you seem to accept that it is true, though your writing seems to say otherwise, but is it? Sometimes I find it an easy out used by spouses who want to lay blame.

 

Frankly I think she is the one having an EA and maybe even a PA, seeing she works with this man and has turned it on you.

 

Good luck...

[seibert253]

Doesn't seem she ever recovered from your EA. After an affair, "working it out ourselves" nevers seems successful.

 

Her "conversations" with this chap at her work shows she's already emotionally disattacted from you. If she hasn't already, she's ripe pickings for an affair.

 

She doesn't want to upset the status quo, but she has a need that's not being met. Trust me, she'll look elseware.

 

Now what to do:

1. you need to sit down with her, and express your feelings to her, like you've done to us. Tell her EVERYTHING.

2. Admit your wrongs and accept responsibility for them. Give her examples on how you've attempted to put your transgression behind, and move forward in your marriage.

3. Reassure her that you love her more than anything and you always have. Let her know you realize your marriage is broke, you want to fix it, but you cannot do this alone.

4. Let her know her actions involving her "friend" at work are not acceptable, as your prior actions were not. Tell her she needs to end all contact with the "friend", other than work.

5. Tell her you are giving her ONE opportunity to be truthful about their relationship. Let her know if you find she's lied to you, your marriage is finished and you WILL be filing for divorce.

6. Start MC and IC for yourself and request she do the same.

7. (Some will disagree with this) Investigate the relationship with her work "friend". Keylogger on computer, check her cellphone calls and texts.

As I said, some will disagree with this, but you need to know your enemy in order to fight the war for your marriage.

 

If she's already emotionally or physically attached to her work "friend", then you need to get rid of that distraction first, before you work on the other underlying issues. If she is envolved in an A, then you need to start the 180 immediately. If she's not, the two of you need to get into counseling right now.

[Lucky_One]

Frankly I think she is the one having an EA and maybe even a PA, seeing she works with this man and has turned it on you.

 

Ditto on that. She has even told you she prefers the company of her colleague(s) to yours, and the guy has asked her to come to his empty house.

 

She is speaking classic affair-speak. I'm confused. I love you but not in love with you. I am happier being around other people. I need some space, so why dont' you leave for a bit? I promise not to ever communicate with this man again, even though we work together and I see him everyday. I am not worthy of being loved (because I am being unfaithful to you). You deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve (because if you fall in love with someone else and are happy, then my guilt is absolved).

 

I suspect that this guy is married, and that is why she is reluctant to give up the companionship of a marriage, the financial security of two paychecks, the help of having a partner for kids and household issues. If he was single, she wouldn't be nearly so confused.

[Gamine]

If I wasn't completely grounded in my self concept I could have easily spiraled out of control and had an affair myself or separated and dated immediately.

 

When my husband cheated and I read all of the emails back and forth between them something happened inside of me. A tie that binds the two of us 'uniquely' to each other was broken. The continuity I felt between us was severed. We are still together and while I can love him or like him ... and enjoy being with him... in the here and now... the continuity, the intimacy, the feeling that it is genuine, the feeling that our years together were building... one upon the other... Was shattered.

 

It's like I am living in the present every day. Whereas before, I as living in a feeling of the past and present. What goes is the stability, security, and feelings of being closely tied. For me, emotionally, the security was obliterated. Many women are emotional creatures and to take away the bond and PROVE to her that you can 'love' or say you 'love' anyone (almost anyone randomly) makes her insignificant to you ... perhaps in her heart and mind.

 

No matter how hard my husband works to restore that it is doubtful it will ever be the same between us. He tries so terribly hard every day doing significantly special things for me to show me how much he loves me. Without a doubt he has demonstrated how much he wants the marriage and how much he wants me.

 

But, the emotional tie of intimacy is shot. It's like the trauma of the whole thing affected my wiring towards him... and at least for the present the bond does not exist any longer. It was enough for me to learn that I wasn't the only one he could 'love'... and yes, like you, he declared that the 'love' talk meant nothing. Even so, it affects the psychological and heart wiring.

 

It shattered so much of what used to be. Marriage can be like living in a bubble... a world of just the two of you... and then WHAP. Reality. It stops being that way and there is a yearning to know what it feels like to be someone's absolute one and only.

[vox]

So, wait. You had a text message with a girl around the world, and in 5 years she can't get over that, but she can EA/PA with Cheaty McTryst from work?

 

You, sir, are nothing more than a meal ticket. Leave quickly.

[Snowflower]

Why do people and you say that you cheated on her???? You did not..... You talked to someone of the opposite sex and exchanged stupid emails nothing more.

 

 

No one here can speak for how the OP's wife felt about his indiscretion. For many people, this would be a form of cheating. And if it wasn't dealt with in a way for both spouses to come to a resolution, or a form of healing then it most likely festered for the following 5 years. Now the OP and his wife are facing a serious crisis in their marriage in part because of this indiscretion 5 years ago.

 

And yes, it was cheating on the part of the OP. Even if it was 'just' text messages.

[Snowflower]

So, wait. You had a text message with a girl around the world, and in 5 years she can't get over that, but she can EA/PA with Cheaty McTryst from work?

 

You, sir, are nothing more than a meal ticket. Leave quickly.

 

And exactly how do you know that the OP here is a meal ticket? Do you know this couple personally?

 

Why was it okay for the OP to have his little fun flirty text messaging and the wife should have just 'gotten over it'?

 

Nothing excuses her behavior...but the flirty text messages I'm sure had something to do with it.

 

Affairs don't happen in a vacuum.

[Snowflower]

 

When my husband cheated and I read all of the emails back and forth between them something happened inside of me. A tie that binds the two of us 'uniquely' to each other was broken. The continuity I felt between us was severed. We are still together and while I can love him or like him ... and enjoy being with him... in the here and now... the continuity, the intimacy, the feeling that it is genuine, the feeling that our years together were building... one upon the other... Was shattered.

 

No matter how hard my husband works to restore that it is doubtful it will ever be the same between us. He tries so terribly hard every day doing significantly special things for me to show me how much he loves me. Without a doubt he has demonstrated how much he wants the marriage and how much he wants me.

 

 

Oh Gamine, I am so sorry for you pain. I understand exactly what you are talking about here. I had to think on this very thing...the bond between my husband and I...for a long time after his affair. I came to a different conclusion than you have, but then my situation was different, too.

 

I truly hope though that in time you will be able to find that bond again, that not all was lost and that your husband can 'make up' for what he did. It takes a lot of time, a lot of processing and discernment, to figure out what the affair actually 'did' to your marriage. Sometimes the damage ends up being worse than you could have ever predicted, while other times the damage is not as bad as initially thought.

 

I hope, in time you will find peace and clarity, Gamine. (((hugs)))

[vox]

And exactly how do you know that the OP here is a meal ticket? Do you know this couple personally?

 

Why was it okay for the OP to have his little fun flirty text messaging and the wife should have just 'gotten over it'?

 

Nothing excuses her behavior...but the flirty text messages I'm sure had something to do with it.

 

Affairs don't happen in a vacuum.

 

Snowflower, the difference is it was FIVE years ago. 1-2-3-4-5. Hairstyles have changed since then! If she can't get over that in five years, then she has no business being in a marriage or relationship. The OP was wrong to do so, and he admits it. The only reason she is likely staying is that she doesn't want to have to fend for herself and their children.

[angie2443]

No one here can speak for how the OP's wife felt about his indiscretion. For many people, this would be a form of cheating. And if it wasn't dealt with in a way for both spouses to come to a resolution, or a form of healing then it most likely festered for the following 5 years. Now the OP and his wife are facing a serious crisis in their marriage in part because of this indiscretion 5 years ago.

 

And yes, it was cheating on the part of the OP. Even if it was 'just' text messages.

 

I think this may be the key. Time alone does not heal. There had to have been some resolution to the initial EA the husband was involved in. If the problems surrounding the first EA weren't resolved, then EA from 5 years ago is still doing damage.

[vox]

I think this may be the key. Time alone does not heal. There had to have been some resolution to the initial EA the husband was involved in. If the problems surrounding the first EA weren't resolved, then EA from 5 years ago is still doing damage.

 

Well, frankly, if someone can't get over something so relatively minor after 5 years, it's time to leave. Seriously.

 

Unless the only reason the person is still there is they don't want to upset their lives and routines and have to strike out on his/her own. And that's just lazy and parasitic.

[Gamine]

Oh Gamine, I am so sorry for you pain. I understand exactly what you are talking about here. I had to think on this very thing...the bond between my husband and I...for a long time after his affair. I came to a different conclusion than you have, but then my situation was different, too.

 

I truly hope though that in time you will be able to find that bond again, that not all was lost and that your husband can 'make up' for what he did. It takes a lot of time, a lot of processing and discernment, to figure out what the affair actually 'did' to your marriage. Sometimes the damage ends up being worse than you could have ever predicted, while other times the damage is not as bad as initially thought.

 

I hope, in time you will find peace and clarity, Gamine. (((hugs)))

 

 

Thank you, Snowflower. You are very kind hearted and I really appreciate your post. Strangely, I haven't changed inside regarding my outlook on life. I suppose that no matter how 'wordly' I thought I was in reality I am hopelessly a romantic and naive. I am coming to terms with the reality of life and how things can turn on a dime.

 

Thanks again....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Snowflower and all others..... I am sorry for your hurt, but I can't follow the logic at all. He had one evening of drinks and conversation and some texts with a person halfway around the world..... He says here in anonymity that that was it.... His wife in 5 years still obsesses over it and calls it cheating!!!! Damn, if that is cheating, may as well have a full blown affair, because it is not worth the psychological torture his spouse is putting him through, while having a much more intimate affair with someone from work and giving him the pychobabble crap that she is doing now....

[vox]

Snowflower and all others..... I am sorry for your hurt, but I can't follow the logic at all. He had one evening of drinks and conversation and some texts with a person halfway around the world..... He says here in anonymity that that was it.... His wife in 5 years still obsesses over it and calls it cheating!!!! Damn, if that is cheating, may as well have a full blown affair, because it is not worth the psychological torture his spouse is putting him through, while having a much more intimate affair with someone from work and giving him the pychobabble crap that she is doing now....

 

 

I absolutely agree. She needs to build a bridge and get over it, or she needs to leave.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower and all others..... I am sorry for your hurt, but I can't follow the logic at all. He had one evening of drinks and conversation and some texts with a person halfway around the world..... He says here in anonymity that that was it.... His wife in 5 years still obsesses over it and calls it cheating!!!! Damn, if that is cheating, may as well have a full blown affair, because it is not worth the psychological torture his spouse is putting him through, while having a much more intimate affair with someone from work and giving him the pychobabble crap that she is doing now....

 

Remember, the OP said his wife had somehow found the text messages and read them all. Reading things like that firsthand would have been very hurtful for the wife. I have read similar stories here on LS where this type of indiscretion such as texting has been going on and the OP is getting responses like, "dump their cheating ass," or "it is obviously a PA" or something along those lines.

 

So, I am confused...when is flirting NOT a big deal? I guess it depends on who ask.

 

My point is that for whatever reason, the OP and his wife did not resolve or heal their relationship from the indiscretion. It is not up to us here on an anonymous forum to decide whether or not the wife should have been over it or that the texting 5 years ago wasn't all that serious. For the couple in question here, this obviously was a wound that festered in their relationship.

 

If the OP and his wife had dealt differently with the initial discovery of this indiscretion 5 years ago...then perhaps it would not have come back to bite 5 years later. That is all I am saying.

 

But I agree that the incident 5 years ago is not any justification for the wife's behavior now.

[FromI]

I am pretty sure she is having an EA which most likely is PA.

If you try to confront her again, you can be sure that she will deny everything as long as she knows you have no proof...

It took her 5 years to understand that she cannot get over your email fling? Not likely. She is using your indiscretion as an excuse (and mostly to make you guilty: "you cheated on me... it's your fault...").

As Lucky said, she is giving you the classic affair-speak.

 

If you didn't suspect anything before, she could be just in the beginning of the affair and she can still be pulled out of it, if you want to save your marriage.

 

But if she really stopped loving you few years ago... and just stayed with you for the kids and "family", it is probably too late to "fix" her love...

[GeraldY]

Dear All,

 

Thank you for everyone's input so far. The diverse views mirrors the thoughts that have been cycling and recycling in head, making me alternate between joy and despondence - joy that we could work at it and despondence that it is all fruitless and we are on the road of no return.

 

I read a posting from many years ago from GuySimple, whose problem seems to parallel mine and using that as some guidance, have sought PC for myself - whether to see what is wrong with me or to cope with the problem. Either way it seems benecial for me. I suggested MC as a couple to my wife in the morning. Her reaction was a little unenthusiatic ("you go ahead first and see if it helps then let me know"). I pressed it with her this morning and she has said that she is actually looking for PC for herself as well to clear her emotional baggage (the negative me sees this as her trying to drop her baggage so that she can move on with new love and not find love with me). She added that only then, can she see an MC as a couple work. I am not sure whether to take this a positive sign or a negative one.

 

To Garmine, having read your post, this may be a personal question and feel free not to answer if you think so, will there or can there never be a possibility of falling in love with your H? Is my W really correct in her view? Can there be no credit for effort? I know that coming from a 39 year man, this may sound terribly naive - but cannot love conquer the resistance?

 

Maybe I did accept my EA too easily - I saw nothing to deny it. It was to me at least fundamentally still cheating and I saw no point in denying it. On a comparative scale, it may be minor compared to being in an EA and PA but an indiscretion is an indiscretion.

 

I am myself so confused. Its like i am heading for a trainwreck. Can there be no light at the end of the tunnel?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Dear All,

 

Maybe I did accept my EA too easily - I saw nothing to deny it. It was to me at least fundamentally still cheating and I saw no point in denying it.

 

If you keep up with this line of thinking, you will continue to be and have been exploited by your wife..... Plain and simple. You come back to it and seem to accept that it is cheating.... It was not. You don't think people flirt with each other all the time and push the boundaries???? Makes you feel good about yourself. But you stop dead and don't continue it when it progresses too far.

 

How about focusing on your spouse.... Is she perfect? Is her views about you correct? Is she open with you? Sounds awfully one-sided at this point.... Again you need to find out what is going on with her and the OM first.

[Chubbi]

5 years ago, I did a stupid thing. On a business trip to the Philippines, I met a girl in bar and had a nice chat with her. On my return home, we texted each other with little phone messages of love. I did not have anything physical with her nor was there any feelings involved. It was really just opportunistic and a little bit of risky fun while one was away. I would never have seen the lady ever again or call/message her.

 

My wife discovered the messages.

 

To Vox and others: How do you know what those text messages said?? This guy has admitted to being out of line- BELIEVE HIM! Quit flaming his W like she was in the wrong for getting mad over the text messages.

 

What if your SO came home with text messages saying, "You are such a beautiful M/F. I think I love you. I would do anything for you- My W/H is a doesn't treat me like you" etc etc. It's not telling what hurtful things those text messages could have said, and you shouldn't assume you know!!

 

His W has no idea whether or not he was lying to her when he said there were no physical contact. For all she know, it could have been a full-blown affair and the SOB have been denying and gaslighting her the whole time.

 

How do you know he was just "flirting?" Where's your proof, Vox?? Since when does flirting = professing love? Who the hell have you been flirting with if they tell you they love you for eternity? He ADMITTED he was out of line and still you guys jump on his wife because she was overreacting?! I hope you don't ever get mad at your SO if he/she/x came home professing love for another person then. I hope you just look at the text messages and smile to yourself saying your SO was just flirting around.

 

If his W came on 5 years earlier and said she discovered text messages, what would you have told her, Vox? Huh? With her information, what would you have said? Would you have told her her husband was just flirting and she should just suck it up?

 

You need to get over your mean, dumb and stupid derogatory views, Vox and grow up. I feel sorry for the woman who wasted nine months of her life bringing the parasite you are into this world. If you want to be a woman, they have surgery for that.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

To Vox and others: How do you know what those text messages said?? This guy has admitted to being out of line- BELIEVE HIM! Quit flaming his W like she was in the wrong for getting mad over the text messages.

 

What if your SO came home with text messages saying, "You are such a beautiful M/F. I think I love you. I would do anything for you- My W/H is a doesn't treat me like you" etc etc. It's not telling what hurtful things those text messages could have said, and you shouldn't assume you know!!

 

His W has no idea whether or not he was lying to her when he said there were no physical contact. For all she know, it could have been a full-blown affair and the SOB have been denying and gaslighting her the whole time.

 

How do you know he was just "flirting?" Where's your proof, Vox?? Since when does flirting = professing love? Who the hell have you been flirting with and they tell you they love you for eternity? He ADMITTED he was out of line and still you guys jump on his wife because she was overreacting?! I hope you don't ever get mad at your SO if he/she/x came home professing love for another person then. I hope you just look at the text messages and smile to yourself saying your SO was just flirting around.

 

If his W came on 5 years earlier and said she discovered text messages, what would you have told her, Vox? Huh? With her information, what would you have said? Would you have told her her husband was just flirting and she should just suck it up?

 

You need to get over your mean, dumb and stupid derogatory views, Vox and grow up. I feel sorry for the woman who brought you into this world. If you want to be a woman, they have surgery for that.

 

You just made up a whole thread on texts you never saw.... He said they did not kiss or do anything. He's been open in an anonymous forum. If he said inappropriate things, he should/I expect admit them here.....

 

Incredible the lengths some people will go to validate the pain of EA's.

 

Heck all men/women...... Never dare talk to someone of the opposite sex or have a drink..... you do and you are cheating.....

[angie2443]

GeraldY, if you want any chance of saving your marriage, insist that you both go to MC. Find a good one- one who is specifically trained in MC and not just a counselor who will take to you both. You need to get to the bottem of these texts from 5 years age. We can argue forever rather or not you cheated, but what we think doesn't really matter. You and your wife need to work on this together and an MC might be able to help you work it through. I hope it works out for you.

[happylife]

My H had a 'friendship' with another woman whilst he left me with our new born baby. I believe that he never slept with her but also believe that she was married and he would have wanted to. It has been the root of all evil in our marriage (if you read my posts you'll see) and i think you need to give it serious attention. Have you appologised to her about it? My H didn't feel the need and told me i was over reacting, this just infuriated me even more as it was a big lack of respect. I ended up having a short affair, and in the back of my mind i thought i deserved it. This was a horrible thing that i did and it has only ended up with an even worse situation now. Best to address this before things get too bad. I have insecurity issues which need constant attention and reassurance. My H can tell me 100 he loves me and just once say he hates me (for what i did) and i hang on to the latter!! maybe your wife's like me and feels very insecure?