MHYH Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I was on the forum a couple years ago and it helped me out a lot... I'm back with another problem and am hoping you fine folks can help me out again, sorry this is so long. So there's this girl I've known for about four years now and have always had a thing for. Recently I was in a relationship with someone else, and whenever I would see this girl at parties or hanging out with people she would always be all over me. At one party she wanted me to fall asleep with her in the same couch and was rubbing me and whatnot, but like I said I was in a relationship with someone else so I didn’t let this escalate so I went home. She sent me a text the next morning saying she was sad I left. This isn’t the only occasion that things like this happened. Anyway, two weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of the time for reasons unrelated to this happening, and I decided to pursue this girl. Needless to say for whatever reason she isn’t as enthusiastic about me as she was. Although within these past two weeks we’ve gotten drunk at a couple parties and she would be dancing with me and wanting to be around me, and at both we ended up having sex. But both times the next day she was very standoffish and she tells me that she likes me a lot, but “things are just complicated”. It seems like now she is hung up on her ex-boyfriend and it seems like nothings going to happen between us. I’m feeling pretty dejected about the whole situation and I feel like the best thing to do is just stop trying to force anything and if she wants something to happen she’ll come to me like in the beggining. My intentions were not to just have sex with her and leave it at that. I really want to try and have a relationship with this person, but she seems like shes fighting it for whatever reason and using “its complicated” as an excuse… Sorry this is so long…I just had to get the story out to someone. BTW I’m 21, shes 20. All this happened in the last month or so.
Author MHYH Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I was thinking I'd need to leave her alone and let her contact me, but now I'm thinking she might think I was only in it for the casual sex, which isn't true at all. Now I really don't know what to do, can anyone help?
boogieboy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 If she wants to make it more than casual sex, she will let you know. As long as shes making excuses, assume shes not that into you, and let her make the moves. Dont initiate anything. Let her be in her stupid complicated state.
Author MHYH Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Yeah thats how I feel about it too...a stupid complicated state... I just don't know if doing nothing is right considering she's told me before that "Im not looking for casual no-strings attached sex, if I get with someone I want it to be for the right reasons.". And then it happened again. I feel like I should let her know in some ways that I'm not looking for casual sex either, it just happened in the heat of the moment. I truly want to have a relationship with this person. Before she said the quote above she said to me, the day after the first time we hooked up, "what happened last night wasn't a dissapointment...by any means, but it only left me more confused.". So like I said...I don't know if I should try to show that its not the sex I'm after, or just let her make the moves like you said boogieboy.
Teslacoil Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Like you said, she might not be ready for another relationship, hung up on her ex, or whatnot. Maybe she likes you enough for casual sex, but not much more than that. Maybe you're a surrogate boyfriend. You could try genuinely asking her out on a date somewhere. Explain that you really like her and would like to be more than just F*ck-Buddies. If she isn't interested in that, tell her "That's too bad", and tell her you really don't think the two of you should hook up again, because you're too interested to treat her casually like that. Tell her to give you a call when things aren't complicated anymore... but don't give her the impression that you're just going to sit around waiting for her. Either way, stop hooking up with her casually. If she doesn't come around, it'll just hamper your efforts to get a good girlfriend.
Author MHYH Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Thanks teslacoil, that makes perfect sense...now the only thing now is to find a way to say all that... If I just came out and said all that it would seem pretty weird haha, but thats exactly how I feel.
incineration Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 i can only say one thing... you guys should put time to talk about it seriously
WTRanger Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 If she's still hung up on an ex, there's not much you can do to free her from that. I'd run as quickly and as far as you can go in the opposite direction of this girl. I have a strange feeling that she wanted to steal you from your recent girlfriend. When you broke up for unrelated reasons, she no longer has the thrill of stealing someone away. The drunk casual sex is just that. To her, you are a dick in a glass case. You pull it out when you need it in an emergency. The more you hook up with her, the more you'll get attached emotionally and the more she'll stay distant. This isn't healthy, and FWB's never work. So run, run like the wind! If someone wants to be with you, it's never too complicated. They'll make the time. Since she's shown tendencies to make excuses, I think even if you try to talk she'll bury you in a mountain of "I'm busy" and "I don't know" and just keep the smoke and mirrors game going.
JohnnyBlaze Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I have a strange feeling that she wanted to steal you from your recent girlfriend. When you broke up for unrelated reasons, she no longer has the thrill of stealing someone away. The drunk casual sex is just that. To her, you are a dick in a glass case. You pull it out when you need it in an emergency. The more you hook up with her, the more you'll get attached emotionally and the more she'll stay distant. This isn't healthy, and FWB's never work. So run, run like the wind! I think WTR may have nailed it with that one comment. I used to know a girl who, when either she or I were in a relationship with someone, she'd be all over me, every chance she got. But the minute we were both single and free to pursue each other, she'd practically strip the gears throwing it into reverse. As soon as one of us got significant other again, she'd start right back up. Like Tesla said, let her know where you stand, in no uncertain terms. If she wants to go the same route, cool. If not, cut bait.
Author MHYH Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Thank you to the both of you. I think this is all really good advice that I'm definately going to follow. I've already shown her that I'm interested by asking her on a date, which didn't happen due to excuses. So the ball is in her court and I haven't contacted her since. I'm going to just leave it that way, and move on. If she feels like contacting me cool, if not then whatever. Thanks again for all the help and good advice!
utterer of lies Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 “things are just complicated”. Translation: "I can't tell you what I feel, because you might be hurt and upset and make a scene. You are not a priority, but still, we can enjoy time together, sometimes."
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