Alphafemale Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 So i reunited with a guy I met a year ago. We talked for a week or two, nothing happened. Now I have been dating this guy activley for about 4months. It was very progressive. He is one of those guys that has been cheated on alot and is very guarded. So now it looks like he is "letting me in" we have grown close and even talked about us being together. So i decided to ask him "where is this going" and he got terrified and started talking something like "I don't want a gf and dont want to be responsible for anyone else" but he has told me even how scared he was getting because he liked me ( 3 weeks before I asked him where is this going). So i don't know if i messed up by asking him a little early. I thought we were there and his actions and words said we were there so....Now after he told me that. I said ok well things can continue on like they been and everything was fine for like 2 weeks and now the past 2 weeks he would not call or ask me to hang out. I asked him was everything ok did he want us to stop talking. He said "No it's not that he is just getting things situated with some stuff with his job." Which is true but that does not stop him from calling and seeing me. So i seen him twice (only because of the occasion) and things were ok. He is just weird. I can see alllll in his face his feelings but he tries to act distant. He claims to be very straightforward guy he said if he didn't want to talk to me anymore he would just tell me. (we are very blunt... alpha females luv alpha males) and he knows if he tells me that. He would never speak to me again cause I don't back pedal, and I don't do the friends thing. So is he trying to figure out what he wants (even though he made it seem like he don't want a gf)? What should I do? I am having no contact now starting the begning of the week My natural reaction is to disappear. Which is what I do best, but since there is a genuine level of care I would just want us to say YES TOGETHER OR NO and keep it moving. Should i wait it out a certain amount of time?
digitalwizard Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 We noticed that the word "love" was never mentioned in your post. If you are not sure that you 'love' this guy, then maybe you should just move on and not be willing to wait around for him to make up his mind. The key to a relationship is communication and it sounds like from your post the communication is really lacking. If you start dating other people and "move on" with your life, perhaps that will be the fire under his ass that he needs to push him beyond his comfort zone that he is obviously unwilling to step out of at this point. It is not your responsibility to restore his trust in a relationship. If he is willing to put trust into a relationship, you should not put your life on hold, waiting for him to do so. I mean, we are talking about DATING, not marriage, right? This is one of most infantile steps in a relationship and he can't even commit to that. Rethink things, is our advice. If he is for real, he'll come around. If not, you will have moved on and not wasted your time waiting on him. Either way, good luck and we wish you the best.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 My natural reaction is to disappear. Which is what I do best. This is ALL you needed to say regarding yourself. In the context of this situation, you are NOT RIGHT FOR THIS GUY.
NightLord1 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Who know's what is going on there isn't enough information here to really gauge what the dude is doing. By looking at your name though "alphafemale" if running away is what you do best that would seem to contradict what an alpha female is. Any alpha wouldn't go running with their tail inbetween their legs when things got out of hand for them. I would say to not ask the dude whats wrong at ALL just leave that alone. If he wants to talk he'll talk if he don't then he don't. If you really want to continue on with the guy then let him come to you. Though honestly if he is acting like this he doesn't seem to be any "alpha male" if you ask me. Almost seems like his confidence is shot to hell. If he was so sure of himself I honestly wouldn't see him being so withdrawn with you. Regards
Juno Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 This guy sounds exactly like my ex. My ex voiced the same issues: I don't want a GF I don't want to be responsible for anyone I have trust issues I have work hard and put in long hours at work to succeed. Turns out my ex is an emotionally available, narcarcisstic, commitment phobe. Truely...in every sense of the words. I asked a similar question to my ex as you have. I asked, "are we more than friends?" He responded with, "I don't want to lead", then disappeared for weeks, resurfaced and pursued me hard only to disappear again. My relationship ran it's course far too long and was far too painful for the limited amount of "happy times". To this very day (everyday), I'm still dealing with heartache. It has been my sentence for almost the past two years for not hedding the red flags early on. Your guy seems to be displaying some of the characteristics of my ex. And if he has said to you, he doesn't want a GF, and doesn't want to be responsible to anyone...BELIEVE HIM! I mean who says this when things are going well? It's an indication of something that's off deep rooted in his personality that is beyond trust issues and being guarded and can not be changed no matter how wonder you are to him. And trust me, he will use those statments again when he feeling aloof, wants to impose a "time out" on you, or as an excuse to be unavailable as he pursues another promising option. Watch out for the "I want to be alone" statement. Finally, look at his history. Has he been married, engaged, what was his longest relationship, does he have kids. The answers should tell you if he is capable of caring for someone seriously besides himself. It's tough to navigate thru this type of situation because when you pull back, they pursue hard, and if you chase they become indifferent. That said, I would thread lightly with this one. Don't allow yourself to become overly invested. Spare yourself the pain, because recovery is a b*tch. Hope this helps
Author Alphafemale Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Well when I say disappear...I have disappeared for lack of caring about anyone's feelings but my own. Yes he had 3 relationships all pretty lengthy like 2 years and 2 out of the 3 they have cheated, but then he has contradicted himself by saying he does want to get married and have children he just has these barriers there. I think I'm just done. I wanted someone else opnion
Author Alphafemale Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 the girls cheated...thanx everyone for the responses
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