lkjh Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 AA, I wasn't referring to the OP as being ashamed. I was referring to the person that said you should disclose your past to anyone. As to the rest of your post you are only talking about extremes. I never said you have to require you SO to be a virgin, but if your gf/bf has hooked up with one of your friends in the past they should tell you about it. You don't have to go magnum pi over something like this.
ChipMan Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 this blog really makes one think... from the amateur psychologists... to common sense which appears to be none too common... to totalitarian views galvanizing TrialbyFire to turf her BF... to plausible deniability (hope the next woman I run into doesn't treat me like the president)... can anyone quantify a piece of unspoken knowledge that cannot erode trust in a relationship? it's interesting that LovesHanger argued that an STI which can potentially cause physical harm, should be disclosed, yet an incident which effected an emotional repercussion, should have been denied?... Is a skin lesion more painful than an insecurity (a topic with which most women who are honest with themselves are well acquainted)? (b4 some rational person comes along and mentions that the aforementioned paragraph has arguments which are mutual exclusive... let's fuhhgeddaboutit...) this thread is neither about the 'past'... nor is it about condemning Trialbyfire for devulging the past... because it is admirable that she was able to open up... it's about an unresolved symptom (there go those men, always trying to fix stuff, and lookin' for a cure)... a pang which the BF leverages against Trialbyfire... in turn, infecting her... but, I do support lkjh... the BF was betrayed by X... at some point, BF learns to trust, again... maybe BF even confides in F-Buddy about SO... Water Cooler Talk ------------------ F-Buddy: SO, she gives good ---8 BF: :-S F-Buddy: oops BF: :--------[ (2 min. l8tr) BF: *What a prick* sure, the above scenario is merely speculation... or deductive reasoning, Sherlock... but, why would he ask about your habits six months in, and not sooner? if you place your faith in two people, and they conceal a shared moment (no matter how trivial), isn't it human nature to feel SO - Sold Out ??? I most certainly would think, "what other insignificant details are kept from me?", "from what else am I being protected?", "what's that Ne-Yo song, 'Sex with the Ex'?", "how long will this spectre haunt me?" (pun intended) This leads to a vicious cycle... BF is skeptical at SO's unexplained behaviors; SO hides explanations 'cause BF can't handle it; BF and SO each confide in other people who feign understanding, etc. ... AAlike - you're well within in your perrogative to make a "situational call", and withold, or keep your past private, but if an event or transgression were to reveal itself, would you be suprised at possible consequences of inaction? there are four corners in a square... if the BF is harboring an issue for 2.5 years, something likely remains unsaid by one or all of the parties involved... it's easy to peg someone with a googled condition... if u put up with me for a day or two, you'd categorically liken me to the Joker
Author sadandugly Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Umm? What? All this bashing I get from men... God, honestly, I guess we're different then. I don't have a right to be upset over what he did before he met me. Trust me, there are things (not sexual though) that he did before (like casually smoking pot) which I don't like, but hey he was young and it happened BEFORE we met. Does that give me the right to always throw it in his face? I know it's not sexual, but I hate junkies and people who do drugs, even if only occasionally. He no longer does it, so why should I be upset? I stopped talking to my "ex" (he's not even a proper ex, dammit) after this whole mess, so why keep bringing it up? Plus, why should he have to know about what I did BEFORE I EVEN MET HIM, YEARS BEFORE I MET HIM! That's what bothers me, I didn't even know he existed back then, and he holds it against me? What am I, a fortune teller? How was I supposed to know that 2 years after the incident, I'd meet my now boyfriend? And it happened then, and then we stopped being friends with benefits, and then I met my boyfriend. It's not like I gave my "ex" a BJ a month before I started dating my boyfriend. Honestly, the past doesn't DEFINE the type of person you are. Gee, how close minded.
AAlike Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 AAlike - you're well within in your perrogative to make a "situational call", and withold, or keep your past private, but if an event or transgression were to reveal itself, would you be suprised at possible consequences of inaction? no, I would not. to some degree I realize that it's a calculated risk. I think it's certainly worth it to risk the potential of dealing with some anger in an attempt to avoid heartache. people are much, much better at dealing with anger than they are heartache. Please note that I don't advocate lying - if I was ever asked about my sexual past in its entirety, I would disclose any "situational call" ..although I would first try and do my best to explain why I thought that the sexual past should be discussed in no greater detail than other elements of my past.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Ugh, can someone explain?! In the past I had a friend with benefits. I gave him oral sex once, and made out a few other times. I was a teen. I'd known him for over a year. And I was single, I could do whatever I wanted! Then a few years after that I made out with some guys I met at a bar (on different ocassions, I'm not a slut!). That's it. My ex friend with benefits introduced me to my now boyfriend and after a few months we started dating. I didn't tell him about my former friendship with benefits with this mutual friend of ours. Six months into the relationship he asks me about my past, I tell him about it, and he freaks out. Almost 3 years together and he still gets upset over it! only way I can see him getting upset about it is if this guy is still a close "friend". Is he? if so, your bf's concern is understandable. Why is it ok for men to be upset over the past? I don't get upset over a gf's past....unless what happened in the past happened while with me(and then I wouldn't be with that person), or if a gf had a really close guy friend that she use to f###. not real cool. Friends on a "hi and bye" basis that she had sex with, thats fine, but friends with a guy she use to shag and suck off, and still hangs out with him, especially alone.
Author sadandugly Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I don't get upset over a gf's past....unless what happened in the past happened while with me(and then I wouldn't be with that person), or if a gf had a really close guy friend that she use to f###. not real cool. Friends on a "hi and bye" basis that she had sex with, thats fine, but friends with a guy she use to shag and suck off, and still hangs out with him, especially alone. Ok, but why is it ok if guys stay friends with an ex gf? He kept talking to her well after I'd stop talking to my ex friend... and an ex gf is way worse, since not only did he f*** her, but he had strong feelings for her... sure, sure, he was long over her, but what makes that more acceptable? That I didn't personally know her? To me it's the same, and even worse, since as I don't know her personally, I don't know what kind of person she is or what she's up to. And most guys I know just can't leave their ex gf behind, they just have to remain friends with them. And I guess I betrayed him then, since, well, he wasn't a really close friend of his, but we were quite close, although I never hung out alone with him after I got with my boyfriend.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Ok, but why is it ok if guys stay friends with an ex gf? It isn't in my opinion. Not the kind of friends that hang out anyway. Being civil and speak when spoken to is one thing. Being good buddies is quite another. He kept talking to her well after I'd stop talking to my ex friend... and an ex gf is way worse, since not only did he f*** her, but he had strong feelings for her... sure, sure, he was long over her, but what makes that more acceptable? it isn't more acceptable. Unless he was on a "hi and bye" basis with her and not the kind of friends that hang out alone or go places together. And I guess I betrayed him then, since, well, he wasn't a really close friend of his, but we were quite close, although I never hung out alone with him after I got with my boyfriend. you betrayed him? how so? you mean you betrayed your bf? not sure what you are talking about here
batinhell66 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Hey man- Some people tend to dwell on the past more so than others. Honestly, unless your boyfriend is way more sensitive than mine (which is impossible), I think he's making a mountain out of a molehill. You've obviously cut contact with the former ftf, and went out of your way to make him feel wanted and more secure. Depending on how distraught he still is, you could either make more time to making him feel better (like staring at him while shirtless male models walk past you for their daily strut, or just telling him how attractive/great he is in bed) or just avoid over-complicating things with endless discussions that get you nowhere. I am no real expert on this subject, but I can definitely relate. Because of some borderline mean responses you're getting, coupled with the fact that my situation is very similar but much worse, I'd rather not post the gory details and just suck it up and deal with it, therapist/alcohol style. You can always throw in the Oscar Wilde quote, "Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future" if he's into that sort of thing. Also, everyone has a past. At least you're acknowledging yours. That's quite a step in the right direction. Hopefully he'll see that. Also, whatever you do, try not to read him answers you find on yahoo or google with "dealing with girlfriend's past". He might, just might get a little offended and deny being "that sensitive" and sulk some more. Fair warning.
lkjh Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Look you don't seem to get it, your bf is not angry and upset that you hooked up with someone before him. He is mad because you hooked up with his friend, the same friend that hooked you two up, and then the both of you mislead him(intentionally), which in turn made him out to be a fool. Second none of us said we think its ok for him to stay friends with his ex. You are trying to justify one bad thing with another bad thing. This is called blame shifting and you are doing it a lot. Him staying friends with his ex is wrong too and you should be angry about this but only if they actually stay in contact. To your third point, what you did is not comparable to him smoking pot before he met you. Now if he use to sell it to your dad then it would be comparable. That was a joke. If you can't understand this then you must have a screw loose. I will say it one more time, you messed around with his friend who happens to be the same guy that hooked you two up. It's not about the hook up, its about who it was with and the misleading. It's not like you hooked up with a "ex" and then met your bf randomly and he never had to meet the guy.
norajane Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 What does your bf rag on you about? That you gave a guy a blowjob years ago long before you met him, or that he knows the guy and you were all friends? Whatever it is, if he can forgive his ex for cheating on him and stays friends with her, he should damned well be able - AFTER 3 YEARS of dating you - to get over this and move on. If he can't do that and if he is making you feel sadandugly, as your LS name implies, DUMP HIM. You don't need to be tortured about this forever, and he doesn't have the right to do so. You are letting him do so.
metalsman Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 One thing which i can't help but mention here..having seen this thread develop over the last..eons!! Right at the start of this the OP states that she only gave her previous fwb a blow job..and hadn't lost her virginity to him. I wondered if the OP might like to consider this.. that the act of giving oral sex is on the same level as full intercourse..that is to say that a guy's most intimate part is effectively accepted by also one of the most intimate parts of a girl...if not more so...i mean a pussy can acknowledge feeling and sensation etc..but not taste!! I find it a bit of an enigma that girls quote the act of giving a bj as being a lesser act of sex than full intercourse, and as such therefore acceptable as part of generally "fooling around". By my reckoning i find it to be more intimate and submissive of the girl to perform this especially given that it's a function given specifically for the pleasuring of the guy, not a joint expressive function
oldguy Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 He is subconciously making you pay for his ex cheating on him. Once a man is betrayed by a woman some tend to view every female with suspicion and he is just waiting for the ball to drop in this relationship. Good point, he may have told himself he forgave his ex to avoid the pain but if he truly never got past it he may be taking it out on you. You may be his release valve. Also; simply stating that the past is the past is an extreme oversimplification, not necessarily in this case but in general. It just ain't that simple. I'm not trying to defend the boyfriends attitude at all, but; his ex cheated n him with his friend, I'm guessing they didn't simply confess, then he is introduced to his new GF by a mutual friend only to find out later that they had sex, and lets stop splitting hairs here, we all know what sex is, whether it's vaginal, oral, anal or manual. So his real issue may be one of feeling like he has been thought of as a fool because of this "secrete between her and this other guy. As unrealistic as that is, it may be part of the problem. Again, I'm not defending him, he has issues that he needs to resolve I think. I also don't think this girl has done anything wrong and certainly nothing she should be ashamed of.
MissJoness Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Yea well at least he cares about you otherwise he wouldn't be jealous. I never had a guy who would have cared if i had been with someone else.
MissJoness Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I don't expect her to be a mind reader, but I expect her to have a bit of common sense. Let's say I'm in a relationship and me and my gf are both friends with this other girl and we hang out with her every now and then, etc.. Let's say this girl is an ex gf. Is it right for me to not say anything, with the excuse that my gf simply didn't ask me if the girl was an ex gf? No, to me, common sense tells me that I should let her know something like that, because if she finds out after the fact a couple months later, she might have trust issues, and rightfully so. She wouldn't know to ask me that question, but it's something she should be made aware of nonetheless. She couldn't foresee he'd wanna know every detail about her past, no, but if they're both friends with a guy and see him on an often/semi-often basis..common sense should say let your bf know that you did indeed have a past with him, even if it only happened once. If he has to force you to tell him 6 months later, it's going to cause a fight, and that's exactly what happened. I also stand by the other thing I said: you aren't ready to be having sex if you can't even be open about your past. Yeah, in that case you should let your partner know you 'dated'. But the OP, let the boyfriend know the sexual details, that she gave him oral. The only reason I would tell a b/f that I had oral with another guy, would be to make him jealous and to get off on his reaction to feel like he really, really cares about me.
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