Why do men obssess so much over the past?!

[Teslacoil]

I'd just like to point out that women obsess about the past just as much as men do. Women can be even worse about it when it comes to other women.

 

I've known women who will hold grudges for years over something one of their friends did to them, even if it was slight or unintentional. "She didn't come to my baby shower", or "She dated one of my friends that I was interested in", etc.

 

Your boyfriend is being immature and hypocritical. Then again, it sounds like you're both fairly young, so it's not entirely unexpected.

 

Just tell him he's going to have to grow up and deal with it. At least you were honest with him.

[carhill]

End it. Much more productive things to do in life

[norajane]

Whereas he lost his virginity with his ex. She cheated on him, and he forgave her. She cheated on him with his best friend and he forgave her! Yet I have never cheated, I just with held some info about the past, and he has not forgiven me. He feels betrayed. Even though I immediately stopped all contact with the ex friend with benefits.

 

...

 

It took him one full year to tell me he was still talking to his ex... the one who physically and emotionally CHEATED on him, but that he forgave!

 

...

 

Of course I feel upset and jealous over his forgiving the cheating ex but not me. He says it's different. He says I fooled him intentionally.

He's a fool. His ex cheated on him with his best friend and he forgave her even though it's clear she intended to fool him? And he's still talking to her and lied to you about it?

 

Why are you taking this stupid guilt trip from him? You did nothing wrong. Don't let him make you feel like you did just because he has his head up his ass.

[Spectre]

I see more culpability in his actions, than hers. He chose not to ask, so there's no reason to previously divulge something, this insignificant.

 

If he couldn't handle it, he should have asked at the start or just not asked at all. Now he's acting like a moron, for what, one act of oral? I mean seriously, is this guy a 12 year old?

 

How was he supposed to know to ask if she sucked off his friend or not? Also, he doesn't seem to be upset at the oral sex, but the fact that it was with a mutual friend and that he was oblivious to it. It really isn't moronic to be upset over that. Not to say a person has to divulge every single detail of their past with their partner's, but if there is a person they are both friends with and would both be hanging out with..the right thing to do would of been to tell him what happened. Otherwise you're not fooling him, but making him look like a fool.

 

For example, I used to be in a relationship with a girl that had this one guy friend. Sometimes she'd go hang out with him, although it wasn't just the two of them alone, and sometimes we'd both be with him and other people. I'd come to find out later that she had slept with him a bunch of times like a year before we got together. I wasn't mad over the fact she had sex, I knew she wasn't a virgin and didn't care.

 

However, I also felt foolish and a bit hurt, here I'm sitting hanging with this guy, watching him and my gf joke around and be friendly, and it turns out they slept together. It's one thing to simply know your gf has been with other guys, but to have had one of them right up in your face for a while and been oblivious to it? I can't imagine most people not being mad at that.

 

Another thing, I don't know what it is with people on this board who are constantly spouting this forget the past non-sense. The past makes up who we are as a person. While of course it is possible for a person to change, their past is a good indicator of the type of person we are. If I found out my gf went out and blew a guy she wasn't even dating, just for whatever reason..well, I wouldn't be too happy. Not because of the act itself, but because personally, I really don't want to be with a girl like that. Then you begin to wonder, what about her current male friends? Is she going to hook up with them too?

 

Anyways, to the person who actually posted this thread. You say you shouldn't have to tell your bf all about your past, yet you let him take your virginity. If you aren't ready to be completely honest and open about your past, then you aren't ready to be having sex. Another red flag to me is that you say at first you said you would not tell him about your past. I can't say for sure, but there's a chance that could of made him wonder if there's anything else you're not telling him.

 

Still, it seems like you're trying to fix things, you said you cut off contact with the guy, which is good. I'd pretty much keep him out of your life forever, or at least as long as you're with your bf. As for him forgiving his ex gf, you actually shouldn't be upset over that. Know why? Because it means he's completely moved on from her and their relationship. I'd actually be worried if he was still holding a grudge, since then there's a chance that could mean there's still some unresolved feelings. As for him still seeing her? That's a no no, people need to learn to just stay away from their ex's, they broke up for a reason. If you're that concerned about being friends with your ex to the point where you'd risk you're relationship, then you should just end said relationship. So if I were you I'd tell him that you want the ex out of his life, don't just demand it, but actually explain why. If he truly loves you, he will do it. I will say I do think he truly loves you, because if he didn't then this really wouldn't of bothered him. Just remember that whenever you're getting upset about this situation.

 

I just think people in general should just consider their actions and think about the type of person they wanna be. The past can come back to haunt you. If you're a guy and you're a player and you hit on anything with boobs and have cheated on all your gf's, you can't really be shocked if the girl you're currently with finds that out and has a hard time trusting you.

 

Similarly, if you're a girl and you've banged a bunch of guys, or if you're one of those girls who at one time or another has slept with or fooled around with her male friends that you're *still* friends with and see on a regular basis, don't be surprised if your bf has a hard time handling that.

[Trialbyfire]

Six months into the relationship he asks me about my past, I tell him about it, and he freaks out. Almost 3 years together and he still gets upset over it!

 

How was he supposed to know to ask if she sucked off his friend or not?

Read the above excerpt from the opening post again. He didn't ask about her past until 6 months later. She didn't withhold her past, he NEVER ASKED...

 

Are you expecting her to be a mind reader, to KNOW that one act of oral would be enough for him to flip out, even though he never asked about her past? Think about it. If your g/f doesn't ask about YOUR past, do you inherently KNOW that she wants to hear about all your deep kissing details with exes, flings and ONSes? Come on. Be rational and reasonable.

[Spectre]

Read the above excerpt from the opening post again. He didn't ask about her past until 6 months later. She didn't withhold her past, he NEVER ASKED...

 

Are you expecting her to be a mind reader, to KNOW that one act of oral would be enough for him to flip out, even though he never asked about her past? Think about it. If your g/f doesn't ask about YOUR past, do you inherently KNOW that she wants to hear about all your deep kissing details with exes, flings and ONSes? Come on. Be rational and reasonable.

 

I don't expect her to be a mind reader, but I expect her to have a bit of common sense. Let's say I'm in a relationship and me and my gf are both friends with this other girl and we hang out with her every now and then, etc.. Let's say this girl is an ex gf. Is it right for me to not say anything, with the excuse that my gf simply didn't ask me if the girl was an ex gf? No, to me, common sense tells me that I should let her know something like that, because if she finds out after the fact a couple months later, she might have trust issues, and rightfully so. She wouldn't know to ask me that question, but it's something she should be made aware of nonetheless.

 

She couldn't foresee he'd wanna know every detail about her past, no, but if they're both friends with a guy and see him on an often/semi-often basis..common sense should say let your bf know that you did indeed have a past with him, even if it only happened once. If he has to force you to tell him 6 months later, it's going to cause a fight, and that's exactly what happened.

 

I also stand by the other thing I said: you aren't ready to be having sex if you can't even be open about your past.

[Trialbyfire]

Spectre. Read what the OP has written. Don't draw conclusions or project your situation onto her. He asked her 6 months later about her past and she told him. If he needed to know, he should have asked her about her past in the first little while.

[Spectre]

You really don't seem to be getting me. I understand that he did not ask her until 6 months into the relationship. What I'm saying is: he should not have HAD to ask, at least not about this. Why would he think to ask about that specific guy? She's friends with him, he's friends with him..it's something he should of been made aware of regardless of if he asked or not, it's the respectful thing to do.

[Trialbyfire]

The problem is he judges me based on it. He thinks less of me now because of the things I did. Despite the fact that I was a virgin when I met him, and that he took my virginity. Yes, I gave the other guy oral sex once. But just once, and even if that counts as losing my virginity, I still had a lot of sexual territory to explore. A lot. My ex friend with benefits didn't even touch me a lot because I didn't allow him to!

Spectre, read this excerpt from the opening post. The problems you mentioned aren't the problems.

 

The above excerpt states the problem, which is that he thinks less of her because of her past. It's not about friendship and who she got involved with.

[lkjh]

Trial, if you are dating a guy and it was getting serious would you expect him to tell you if he slept with one of your friends? Especially if it was the friend that introduced you two.

 

This isn't the battle of the sex's, its common sense. If you hooked up with your SO friend you should tell them

[norajane]

Spectre, read this excerpt from the opening post. The problems you mentioned aren't the problems.

 

The above excerpt states the problem, which is that he thinks less of her because of her past. It's not about friendship and who she got involved with.

 

Exactly.

 

He wasn't a virgin when he got involved with her. He had an ex who cheated on him. And he took her back. And she cheated again. And he forgave her and is still talking with her (despite not telling the OP he was still in contact with her).

 

So why does he get to have a sexual past but he judges his gf for having a short-lived one?

 

Oh, yeah, because he's a hypocritical immature jerk, who'd rather be a doormat for his cheating ex than a mature adult who can look at his gf of 3 years and appreciate her for who she is and what they have together.

 

sadandugly (geez, WHY did you pick that name?? is that how your bf makes you feel? dump him, if so!!!), google "retroactive jealousy". Or do a search in this forum for retroactive jealousy. You can read some insights from guys who simply cannot get over knowing that their gf's had sexual experiences before. It's a huge problem for some guys. Fortunately, it seems to be one mostly for younger guys. But some cannot get over it and it totally destroys their relationships. Unfortunately, they make their gf's feel like sh*t the whole time and destroy their self-esteem. Don't let him do that to you. You did nothing wrong.

[lkjh]

Norajane,

 

I don't get why this is turning into a battle of the sex's. Everyone on here agrees that his relationship with his ex-gf is wrong and the OP should really be pissed about that. But, that does not mean she is 100% innocent in all of this. The question is simple, was her withholding this info from her bf ok? Would you be angry if your SO did this to you? Don't answer this with your anger about the bf and his ex-gf, everyone knows that relationship is wrong and honestly both of these kids should consider separating. None of know anything about this kid, we don't know if he really forgave his ex or if he always brings it up.

 

I just don't see why girls are ok with looking into the bf's past(in all cases) but if a guy looks into his gf's past he is jealous and any other name everyone can think about.

 

 

It is pretty simple,if you are getting serious with someone and in the past you hooked up with their friend then you should tell them.

[reservoirdog1]

OP: your boyfriend is being a whiny, pouty, immature little bitch.

 

You didn't deceive him. He didn't ask about your past (until six months out), and when he did ask, you answered him honestly. The problem is not what you did with the friend with benefits, or what you did in terms of disclosure. The problem is with your BF and his inability to deal. Pure and simple.

 

When SHOULD you have told him? What's the magic mark at which you should have mentioned it? Before date #1? At the end of date #1? After date #5? Should you have brought it up over coffee? After Jon Stewart one evening?

 

Probably none of the above. Your past is your past, and you don't owe him or anybody else any apologies for it. Clearly, the revelation about the friend with benefits was going to piss off your BF regardless or when you told him about it.

 

Retroactive jealousy is an unnecessary pain in the ass, regardless of which partner it's coming from, and should not be tolerated. Almost everybody has a past. The only issue is whether or not their partners can accept it.

 

It seems clear that your BF can't. So, I think you should put him to a choice: either he drops it and never mentions it to you again, or you drop him. It may seem like a stark choice, but for christ's sake, you've been with your BF for THREE YEARS. If he's not going to get over it now, he's never going to.

 

Oh, and for the record... not all guys think like he does. Even as a guy who's gotten his heart broken and been on the receiving end of massive betrayal, a woman's sexual past doesn't bother me, and it never has. As long as she's clean and doesn't appear to have had a problem in the past with loyalty (and isn't into anything I consider to be too "weird"), it's no concern of mine.

 

Your BF needs to man up and grow a pair.

[Trialbyfire]

Trial, if you are dating a guy and it was getting serious would you expect him to tell you if he slept with one of your friends? Especially if it was the friend that introduced you two.

 

This isn't the battle of the sex's, its common sense. If you hooked up with your SO friend you should tell them

I care about numbers. I don't care about who they did. If they want to tell me who, that's up to them.

 

And yes, I've dated men who've slept with friends and didn't care, as long as these guys didn't sleep with everyone and anyone.

 

I'm not threatened by exes. They're exes for a reason.

[LovesHangover]

Anything more than the results of a STI/HIV panel is extra that your SO really does not need to know about. If information is disclosed, no one deserves to have their past held against them forever. People learn and grow. It is cruel to judge people by past mistakes indefinitely.

[Ravenholm]

At first glance you'd infer that his friend being involved would cause his anger. (not deliberating whether the anger was justified or not, we're just making observations here as to actions and causes) But when observing the cheating with the best friend situation, and the forgiving of the act, it's obvious that the "friend" thing doesn't seem likely.

 

My next guess would be that he felt undermined, and perhaps you both lost your virginity together. Then he found out you got slightly ahead of him in sexual activity and became angry. But again, the sex with the girlfriend before, rules that out.

 

My only logical guess, given the situation and quotes of you saying he said he felt, "fooled." It makes you really wonder, "What would someone feel, "fooled" by in a relationship? If I go out with a girl I just assume she's sucked a dick or two, and what not, that's just common sense. Actually hearing her confirm this wouldn't make me angry or make me say, "I feel fooled!!!"

 

I would assume he'd probably feel, "fooled" though if he expected to be getting a prized untouched beacon of purity. Now if I had a little perfect teddy bear, and then I found out the perfect fuzzy teddy bear that I believed was only touched by me had a dick in its mouth, my perspective of that teddy bear would change. Perception is largely based on perspective and expectation. We're not getting into the ethics or moral comparisons here, we're just talking psychology of one human and it's perspective on another human regardless of morality or gender.

 

So until there's more info, I'd think that to be the reason.

 

Now if this has just been one passing conversation, and his anger surprised you, well then just play hardball. "Well, that's what happened, I loved you and felt I should be honest enough to tell you. I could have easily not told you, uh... if you can't live with it, then I guess that's your personal problem. What else do you want me to do? I don't own a time machine, and I don't know anyone who's leasing one. Soooo I can't reverse time to make you feel better, so yeeeeaaahh.... you uh... you're gonna have to live with it I guess... tough ****."

 

Now if this has happened over a series of fights...

 

As to him clinging on to that against you. When stuff from the past is brought up or a loved one holds a grudge against me and frequently brings it up in argument. And let's just say, bringing up old things isn't ethically wrong to do, in my perspective it's just a weak argument. If they do it to me, what I do is just let it fly right off me.

 

"Hey can I have some of those Cheetohs?" "You had sex with my aunt!!!" ".... so anyways, can I have some of those Cheetohs?" "Yeah, I guess, how many do you want?"

 

It slowly just dissipates, words are weapons, and when they're not effectively doing what they're intended to do, a person will stop using them. Now this won't stop a fight or argument, but it'll stop that "clinging" past thing from coming up. Then maybe he'll move on to how mean you are because you didn't help him find his watch when he lost it. And you guys can fight as normal. (which is human)

 

My final observation is, given you've come to the internet for answers, it seems that he probably wins a lot of arguments. If you "won" all of these emotional battles. He'd be the one asking for help about you in this thread instead. So I'll stick with the thought that you're losing a lot of arguments. Just keep in mind that losing arguments might be affecting your psyche, but they really shouldn't have an impact on things like, "love" and "bonds" and what not. And most people argue out of habit, so he won't stop arguing with you the way he does, and you probably won't stop arguing the way you do, which apparently seems to be on the losing side. (not saying that's a bad thing or that someone is right and someone is wrong) He might be a complete idiot who just refuses to stop and says stupid things to make you angry, but it might win him arguments... So I'd uh, just pay attention to that too.

 

I only spoke about the argument thing because towards the end it seemed as though your psyche had probably been worn down and you were losing spirits. So yeah, try that whole uh, not getting mad about it thing. You said your problem "why does [my human] obsess so much over the past." So I tried my best to provide examples that would stop the obsession while simultaneously exploring the "why" of your human's obsession.

[lkjh]

anyone who says don't look into the past is crazy. If a guy has cheated on every gf he has had and you choose to ignore that then when he cheats on you, you can't complain. Same thing goes for guys, if a girl has a bad past and you choose to date her anyways then you can't be shocked when it turns out nasty.

[C-i-C-u]

Many men can not have the life of what most women can. Most men could only dream of going to a bar and having sex with whichever females they want. That isn't the case. A women can go to a bar or somewhere public and she would be hit on. Men wouldn't ever be viewed as a sex object or desired.

And the men, women have sex with. Are very few, it's like a prostitute. Men pay to have sex with the same girl over and over again. Women for free, have sex with the same male over and over again. So that male will have had hundreds of different partners like the hooker. And those males, like the hooker, are generally not nice people. But it doesn't matter, because people overlook the physical attraction or emotional attraction.

This might offend women, but men can be classified in three categories:scum, decent, great. Women can be classified into one category:scum. That is why there will always be a struggle, women will never get it.

[norajane]

Women can be classified into one category:scum.

 

Really?

 

So men are trying their hardest to be with...scum?

[AAlike]

anyone who says don't look into the past is crazy. If a guy has cheated on every gf he has had and you choose to ignore that then when he cheats on you, you can't complain. Same thing goes for guys, if a girl has a bad past and you choose to date her anyways then you can't be shocked when it turns out nasty.

 

uh, yeah, but that is because cheating is disloyal and is a calculated effort to hurt someone. Having sex when young and single is neither of those things. I don't think that anyone is suggesting that the past should be ignored entirely - you're right, that would be crazy. but you use the phrase "bad past" - the girl was a VIRGIN for god's sakes!!

 

So the question of "why do men obsess over the past" is kind of misleading, as is the retort of "the past shouldn't matter" - what I think is really being asked is why some men are capable of placing such a disproportionate weight on one or two sexual indiscretions which, in this day and age, should not be at all surprising. it's one thing to observe a longstanding pattern of chronic or destructive behavior and base judgement on that, it's another thing to completely offset all the good qualities and accomplishments of a girl by placing as much emphasis on the fact that she gave her next door neighbor a spur of the moment handjob once when she was 16, or something else that MOST PEOPLE HAVE DONE.

 

I think that there is certainly a lot of social conditioning that goes into this - much like the "prince charming" ideal that is pitched to females, men have been reared on this silly "angel" and "good girls don't" ideal that even men with sordid sexual pasts tend to revert to when falling in love.

 

Please note that I am not talking about those that have moral objections to premarital sex, or those that have brightline tests of acceptable behavior - I'm talking about those men that hold only their girlfriend to standards that they would not expect other girls, or even themselves, to have to adhere to. The types of guys that have slept with 20 girls but flip out because their GF has been with 10. or something to that effect.

 

Which leads me to this quote from Spectre:

 

"I also stand by the other thing I said: you aren't ready to be having sex if you can't even be open about your past."

 

although ideally I see what you're saying - it needs to be noted that many men have sort of adopted this attitude of "I know my girl is not a virgin, but I really would rather not think about or know the circumstances of why that is." Men are very visual and I think for plenty of men it's a lot easier to reconcile your GF sexual past when it's only an abstract concept versus knowing all of the details. once a concrete image has been formed, many men find it difficult to let go of that and it starts to foil their "angel" ideal, and then the ridiculous "you kiss my kids with that mouth" complex develops. I think that women probably know this and simply play along, and I can't say that I blame them.

 

Not only that, according to the OP's story, she was completely able to be open about her past...

 

The only other issue is whether she should have disclosed her history with the mutual friend simply because of the fact that he was a mutual friend.

 

I think that is a situational call. As an example, I went to a friend's wedding about six months ago. I knew both husband and wife from seperate circles before they had met one another, and I had fooled around with his bride-to-be several years prior - nothing too extensive, just some kissing and "petting" if you will, nothing ever came of it and we stayed friends and actually laughed about it a few times subsequently. i have no idea if she ever told him about it, if she has he certainly doesn't seem to mind. I brought my GF to the wedding too - and I'm assuming that according to some of you that I should have just blantantly told my GF "hey, I fooled around with his wife a few years back" and I'm not sure that I agree. not only would it accomplish nothing but placing way too much importance on an essentially meaningless event, honestly had I told her that out of the blue she probably would have just thought that I was trying to hurt her for no reason.

 

However, these are people that I would expect to see sporadically at best in the coming years - they are primarily a component of my past. If I were expecting her to spend a significant amount of time with my friend's wife in the upcoming future, my stance might change.

[C-i-C-u]

Really?

 

So men are trying their hardest to be with...scum?

It is not that they want to be with scum, its that there is no other alternative.

[fakobako]

the friends with benefits crap is so dumb and people need to chill out about it. he WAS NOT in your life at that time when that stuff happened, it was something that happened between you and your friend, NON of his business. and if he thinks less of you for it, forget him and move on, hes not worthy of you. ive only had 2 friends with benefits in my life, they didnt last that long and they were fun. but ill be damned if some guy tried to throw it my face and think less of me of it if i chose to be honest with him and tell him. im not saying that you should lie to your BF, but some things are best left unsaid. everyone thinks that you should be upfront about how many people youve slept with and blah blah blah. aslong as you have been responsible and have been checked out before you start having sex with someone new, and them being checked out too, and theres nothing wrong, theres no reason to tell them little escapades youve been on. its your past and you can choose not to tell them details. they nest and most relaxed relationships ive had are where we dont tell eachother how many people weve been with. im not a nosey person by nature anyways, so i dont really care. people who insist on wanting to know are just busy bodies and want something to nag about. even if you tell them its only been one person or 30, they will judge you the same, no matter the number. so anyways, kick him to the curb if he thinks less of you because of something stupid like that.

[theBrokenMuse]

Men wouldn't ever be viewed as a sex object or desired.

 

You've never met men of the same caliber as some of the ones I hung around with then. Women were clawing over one another to get at them. Funny how pathetic and desperate it made them look.

 

And the men, women have sex with. Are very few, it's like a prostitute.

 

The analogy that follows is completely nonsensical.

Men pay to have sex with the same girl over and over again. Women for free, have sex with the same male over and over again. So that male will have had hundreds of different partners like the hooker. And those males, like the hooker, are generally not nice people. But it doesn't matter, because people overlook the physical attraction or emotional attraction.

Anyone want some fries with that word salad?

 

This might offend women, but men can be classified in three categories:scum, decent, great. Women can be classified into one category:scum. That is why there will always be a struggle, women will never get it.

 

I don't think ANYONE will ever get it because, once again what you have presented here is a bald assertion that you may have tried to base on something you wrote in the previous paragraph but fail miserably (not that I would expect anyone who minces words this horribly to be able to have a firm grasp of logic but) where on Earth are you deriving that 'all women are scum' from without it being a ridiculous generalization that you happened to pull out of your obviously bitter arse.

[lkjh]

the friends with benefits crap is so dumb and people need to chill out about it. he WAS NOT in your life at that time when that stuff happened, it was something that happened between you and your friend, NON of his business. and if he thinks less of you for it, forget him and move on, hes not worthy of you. ive only had 2 friends with benefits in my life, they didnt last that long and they were fun. but ill be damned if some guy tried to throw it my face and think less of me of it if i chose to be honest with him and tell him. im not saying that you should lie to your BF, but some things are best left unsaid. everyone thinks that you should be upfront about how many people youve slept with and blah blah blah. aslong as you have been responsible and have been checked out before you start having sex with someone new, and them being checked out too, and theres nothing wrong, theres no reason to tell them little escapades youve been on. its your past and you can choose not to tell them details. they nest and most relaxed relationships ive had are where we dont tell eachother how many people weve been with. im not a nosey person by nature anyways, so i dont really care. people who insist on wanting to know are just busy bodies and want something to nag about. even if you tell them its only been one person or 30, they will judge you the same, no matter the number. so anyways, kick him to the curb if he thinks less of you because of something stupid like that.

 

 

You missed the entire point. Her bf is mad because her friends with benefits was also his friend and the same person that introduced him. He isn't mad because she has hooked up with someone else in the past. If you are so ashamed of your past that you are not willing to tell her future partners then obviously you have something wrong with your past.

 

Everyone has the right to want to know what their partners did in the past. It's how you find out what type of person they are.

[AAlike]

You missed the entire point. Her bf is mad because her friends with benefits was also his friend and the same person that introduced him. He isn't mad because she has hooked up with someone else in the past. If you are so ashamed of your past that you are not willing to tell her future partners then obviously you have something wrong with your past.

 

since when was she not willing or indicated that she was ashamed? from what I can tell, she fully disclosed...hence the problem! I mean, she might be ashamed NOW after 30 months of senseless browbeating from her BF, but I doubt that she ever even thought about it before that.

 

Also, I highly doubt that this problem is ONLY because of the fact that it is a mutual friend. I mean, if I read correctly, he's been fixating on it for TWO AND A HALF YEARS! Given that information, I have a feeling that this would have probably happened at some point no matter what.

 

Look, I understand what you're saying - ideally, no, you shouldn't feel the need to hide anything from someone that you profess to love - and in turn that person should be able to accept your past provided it is not an indicator of destructive or hurtful behavior (which cheating is, and oral sex is NOT).

 

The problem with this "full disclosure" approach is that what people are able to handle logically is very different than what they can handle emotionally, and something that would not even get a second thought from you when told to you by another person can potentially rip your heart out when associated with someone that you love.

 

I mean, honestly, do you really think that most rational people really want to know this type of information right off the bat? and it should just be disclosed without prompt? "hey, before we kiss for the first time...you know Jim that introduced us? Just wanted you to know that I blew him in 2004! now, where were we..."

 

If you require your partner to be a virgin, or to never have had sex out of wedlock, or to never have had a same sex encounter, or as inane as I think that it is, you have a well-defined "cutoff number" of maximum sexual partners, then by all means, ask away and make sure that your partner falls within those parameters, no doubt about it.

 

If you do not, I guess I just don't see what you hope to gain by going Magnum P.I. over the details of their sexual past, other than heartache.