sadandugly Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Ugh, can someone explain?! In the past I had a friend with benefits. I gave him oral sex once, and made out a few other times. I was a teen. I'd known him for over a year. And I was single, I could do whatever I wanted! Then a few years after that I made out with some guys I met at a bar (on different ocassions, I'm not a slut!). That's it. My ex friend with benefits introduced me to my now boyfriend and after a few months we started dating. I didn't tell him about my former friendship with benefits with this mutual friend of ours. Six months into the relationship he asks me about my past, I tell him about it, and he freaks out. Almost 3 years together and he still gets upset over it! The problem is he judges me based on it. He thinks less of me now because of the things I did. Despite the fact that I was a virgin when I met him, and that he took my virginity. Yes, I gave the other guy oral sex once. But just once, and even if that counts as losing my virginity, I still had a lot of sexual territory to explore. A lot. My ex friend with benefits didn't even touch me a lot because I didn't allow him to! I've explored my sexuality with him ONLY. Whereas he lost his virginity with his ex. She cheated on him, and he forgave her. She cheated on him with his best friend and he forgave her! Yet I have never cheated, I just with held some info about the past, and he has not forgiven me. He feels betrayed. Even though I immediately stopped all contact with the ex friend with benefits. Of course I feel upset and jealous over his forgiving the cheating ex but not me. He says it's different. He says I fooled him intentionally. I never intended to 'fool' him! I just don't think I have to go disclosing my past to any potential life partner. What's even worse? Apparently I've been insensitive and have to 'suck it up'... I've talked to other guys about this, and what do they say? 'It's normal for him to feel upset over that, you should put yourself in his shoes, try understanding how he feels'. What? So it's ok for him to get upset over something so insignificant, over something that's LONG gone! Yet I can't get upset over his forgiving the cheating ex (and not me) or the fact that I feel insecure about his porn watching, because apparently 'it's different' and that 'you're getting upset over something meaningless, focus on more important stuff'. But if I tell that to him over my past? No. Just no. I 'fooled' him. I 'betrayed' him. No matter how much I love him, my past gets in the way. And it doesn't matter how much it hurts me that he gets hung up on it, that he gives so much meaning to it, he just feels that way and I should respect him! Why is it ok for men to be upset over the past? I think it's stupid... just as I shouldn't be a nagging, jealous girlfriend over 'stupid' things, then he shouldn't be a nagging, jealous boyfriend either! He should just get over it, not bring it up anymore and accept it, same way as he tells me to deal with the porn or his ex. Ugh. I love him, why does he do this to me? Why is my current love not enough?
Thornton Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 IMHO he's being very immature. Your past shouldn't matter as long as you love him and are faithful. He's getting jealous over the fact you gave a guy oral sex - some people have partners who have lived with other people and had sex with them on many occasions, some people's partners have even been married before and have had kids with someone else, but they aren't behaving as jealously as your bf is. Holding stuff against you that happened before you met is way out of order. Why did you feel the need to tell him about your past anyway? Do you think he really wanted to know you sucked some other guy's c***? I've usually found that inexperienced people brag about what little experience they have in order to make themselves look more experienced, and then it backfires because their partner doesn't like what they're hearing. You've learned an important lesson here: your past is private, and it stays in the past where it belongs. Don't give people ammunition to use against you.
Author sadandugly Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Why did you feel the need to tell him about your past anyway? He asked me about it.
Hkizzle Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I'll tell you why some men seem to have issues with women having been with other men, or why society as a whole seem to have a double standard that penalizes women. For example if a man sleeps with many women he's seen as a stud, but if a woman sleeps around she's seen as a slut. It's a psychological and genetically driven behavior, it's not to do with logical thinking. Think of it this way, if a man sleeps around, a woman if she gets pregnant by the guy is still sure that the baby she's carrying is her own baby. However if a woman sleeps around a man isn't even going to be sure that if she gets pregnant, it's his kid. He will then spend lots of resources raising a child that's not even his. Of course, you two are not even thinking of having kids. However, the behavioral wiring is wired into the brain regardless, which is why he's jealous of your past. Hope you understand the explanation. If not I can elaborate.
Thornton Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Just because he asked about your past, that doesn't mean you had to tell him all the graphic details. You could have said you briefly dated this guy, and just left it at that - you didn't have to say exactly what sexual acts you did with him. Next time someone asks you about your past, don't give them all the details, because it only leads to trouble.
sally4sara Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I think it is because guys like to think that every girl they ever slept with still vividly remembers them and every sexual act they shared plays and replays through their heads daily. So when they meet a new girl and they get too big of a dose of the girl's sexual past, they think she is still remembering every sexual thing she's done with the other guy(s) over and over everyday in her head. And he is worried that he can't live up to it.
Author sadandugly Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Just because he asked about your past, that doesn't mean you had to tell him all the graphic details. You could have said you briefly dated this guy, and just left it at that - you didn't have to say exactly what sexual acts you did with him. Next time someone asks you about your past, don't give them all the details, because it only leads to trouble. I didn't tell him because I wanted to, but he ASKED for details! I avoided telling him, as a matter of fact, for a good while I refused telling him, but he wanted to know about details. I don't like disclosing that info to anyone, I'm not like that... certainly don't brag about my sex life!
Thornton Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You still had the option to say the details were private and not give in to telling him... disclosing that sort of info only leads to trouble, as you've now found out. Besides, usually only a fairly insecure/inexperienced guy will insist on having all the details anyway, most people either won't care or won't want to know. He's jealous, plain and simple, and this is his problem not yours.
Author sadandugly Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I think it is because guys like to think that every girl they ever slept with still vividly remembers them and every sexual act they shared plays and replays through their heads daily. So when they meet a new girl and they get too big of a dose of the girl's sexual past, they think she is still remembering every sexual thing she's done with the other guy(s) over and over everyday in her head. And he is worried that he can't live up to it. Haha, funny theory. Could be true, but he's so clueless, because I didn't get any pleasure out of that, and I certainly don't think of sex as often as he does... and replaying such a crappy thing that happened when I was a teen? Lol. He's great sexually, not like my (in)experience with the fwb. Lol, I wonder if that means he thinks about sex with his ex often and feels guilty? Hmm... and maybe feels guilty? Who cares, he usually compliments me on my 'skills'.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Any specific details are the business of the two partners involved. You should have pushed him back and told him it was none of his business. If he kept pushing, he doesn't respect you or your boundaries and that makes the problem way bigger, than someone being nosy. Having said all that, the number of sexual partners does matter and should be disclosed to any new partners. No one should be ashamed at their numbers, otherwise, why did they do it?
JohnP82 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 The reason why some people think it matters is because some guys don't like the idea of tons of guys having been with their wife/girlfriend just as some women don't like the idea of so many girls having been with their husband/boyfriend. However I would say it's hypocritical to judge someone by a standard beyond what you live by. If you're not a virgin then you should not demand for your mate to be one. You can say numbers don't matter but that's your opinion just as it's their opinion that it does. It doesn't make it right or wrong.
Woggle Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 He is subconciously making you pay for his ex cheating on him. Once a man is betrayed by a woman some tend to view every female with suspicion and he is just waiting for the ball to drop in this relationship.
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I disagree with everyone here, he is mad because it was with his friend. You gave his friend oral and never told him. This is the same guy that introduced you two. I don't think you have a crazy past but I would not date a girl that hooked up with one of my friends. Now he feels like he got tricked into dating you. If he still has to see the guy, that makes it worst. He feels like he got his friends "sloppy seconds". How would you feel if after a year dating you found out your bf slept with your best friend and never told you? Wouldn't you be a little angry. I also, disagree with everyone saying he has no right to ask about your past. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. People who disagree with this in general are just deluded. A guy has a right to ask about his gf's past just like a girl has a right to ask about her bf's past. If we plan on potentially spending our lives with someone we have the right to know about them. I don't think you have a bad past especially by today's standards, but I think your bf feels cheated. Also, your friend got to hook up with you without putting any "effort" in. Now every time someone ask how you guys met your bf will think about you and his friend. Being honest upfront in a relationship can really save a lot of trouble. People who tell you to lie don't realize that if in the future the truth comes out every little issue just gets 10X larger. Also, these are usually the people with crazy past that they are ashamed of. The only thing you guys can do is get the friend out of your lives or take a break and see if you two should be together.
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 He is subconciously making you pay for his ex cheating on him. Once a man is betrayed by a woman some tend to view every female with suspicion and he is just waiting for the ball to drop in this relationship. maybe in true in a individual case but not in general. This guy is mad because he was misled by a friend and partner
The Collector Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hey how come the Generalization Police never show up when it's men being lumped together?
Woggle Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 maybe in true in a individual case but not in general. This guy is mad because he was misled by a friend and partner It might be both but when a man is betrayed he never looks at women the same again.
Author sadandugly Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I disagree with everyone here, he is mad because it was with his friend. You gave his friend oral and never told him. This is the same guy that introduced you two. I don't think you have a crazy past but I would not date a girl that hooked up with one of my friends. Now he feels like he got tricked into dating you. If he still has to see the guy, that makes it worst. He feels like he got his friends "sloppy seconds". How would you feel if after a year dating you found out your bf slept with your best friend and never told you? Wouldn't you be a little angry. I also, disagree with everyone saying he has no right to ask about your past. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. People who disagree with this in general are just deluded. A guy has a right to ask about his gf's past just like a girl has a right to ask about her bf's past. If we plan on potentially spending our lives with someone we have the right to know about them. I don't think you have a bad past especially by today's standards, but I think your bf feels cheated. Also, your friend got to hook up with you without putting any "effort" in. Now every time someone ask how you guys met your bf will think about you and his friend. Being honest upfront in a relationship can really save a lot of trouble. People who tell you to lie don't realize that if in the future the truth comes out every little issue just gets 10X larger. Also, these are usually the people with crazy past that they are ashamed of. The only thing you guys can do is get the friend out of your lives or take a break and see if you two should be together. Why? Why is it an indicator of future behavior? It's not! I feel offended because somehow, when I was 15, I was suppsoed to be wise enough to know that what I was doing would bring me awful consequences when I was 18? People GROW UP. I grew up. I would never do it again. I was immature. People DO change. It is hurtful to the partner being judged. Because you feel like an object, you feel like you're not good enough becaose of some mistakes you did before you met the other person. It's no walk in the park, let me tell you. It's so easy to judge, but being judged, not so much! I don't apporve of many things he did in the past, but he tells me I have to accept them, that they happened and that he's changed. Why can't he do the same? That's my question. So what I did is worse ONLY because he knows the otehr guy? I knew the other guy for years before he introduced me to my boyfriend, we didn't just randomly hook up and left it at that, we both treated each other with respect and we both established beforehand that there was mutual trust. How was I supposed to know that he'd introduce me to my current boyfriend, and that he was going to be so upset that I had given the other guy a blow job? How was I supposed to know that' he'd fall for me, BEFORE we started dating? How was I supposed to know that I was going to fall for him? HOW? So you think he has a right over my past, well I think I have a right to MY PRIVACY! Just like he has to his. The only reason I've pushed him into telling me about his past is because he has forced me to tell him, and I want to know, only to prove him that he's a giant hypocrite. But, oh no, poor guy, I messed with a friend of his before I met him! He messed with many girls, too, but since I don't know them personally, it's different and it's not as bad as what I did? I didn't LIE, I just kept my private information private. Hah, how romantic would it have been, in the middle of our first date, telling him "Oh, and just so you know... I gave oral sex to [name]... By the way, you look so handsome under the moonlight!". And you know why he's a hypocrite? It took him one full year to tell me he was still talking to his ex... the one who physically and emotionally CHEATED on him, but that he forgave! I just thought they were friends. Turns out it was his ex. But I don't know her personally, so I should just deal with it. You know what? If I knew her personally, at least I'd be able to know whether she can be trusted or not. At least he knows what kind of guy my ex friend is, but I don't know what kind of girl she is, especially if she's a cheater.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 sadandugly, what's stopping you from turning the tables on him and demanding he accept you for who you are, if he's going to play the same card? For that matter, why are you ashamed of your sexual past? It happened. Move on. You're giving this way too much power over you.
tigressA Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 This guy you're with sounds like an immature, insecure hypocrite and really, you shouldn't even bother with him anymore. I know it sounds hard because you love him, but it doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind over this. He'll always think he's in the right and you're wrong. I dated a guy like yours once--it was a very similar situation to yours too--and I learned the hard way that he wasn't willing to consider my point of view.
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Why? Why is it an indicator of future behavior? It's not! I feel offended because somehow, when I was 15, I was suppsoed to be wise enough to know that what I was doing would bring me awful consequences when I was 18? People GROW UP. I grew up. I would never do it again. I was immature. People DO change. It is hurtful to the partner being judged. Because you feel like an object, you feel like you're not good enough becaose of some mistakes you did before you met the other person. It's no walk in the park, let me tell you. It's so easy to judge, but being judged, not so much! I don't apporve of many things he did in the past, but he tells me I have to accept them, that they happened and that he's changed. Why can't he do the same? That's my question. So what I did is worse ONLY because he knows the otehr guy? I knew the other guy for years before he introduced me to my boyfriend, we didn't just randomly hook up and left it at that, we both treated each other with respect and we both established beforehand that there was mutual trust. How was I supposed to know that he'd introduce me to my current boyfriend, and that he was going to be so upset that I had given the other guy a blow job? How was I supposed to know that' he'd fall for me, BEFORE we started dating? How was I supposed to know that I was going to fall for him? HOW? So you think he has a right over my past, well I think I have a right to MY PRIVACY! Just like he has to his. The only reason I've pushed him into telling me about his past is because he has forced me to tell him, and I want to know, only to prove him that he's a giant hypocrite. But, oh no, poor guy, I messed with a friend of his before I met him! He messed with many girls, too, but since I don't know them personally, it's different and it's not as bad as what I did? I didn't LIE, I just kept my private information private. Hah, how romantic would it have been, in the middle of our first date, telling him "Oh, and just so you know... I gave oral sex to [name]... By the way, you look so handsome under the moonlight!". And you know why he's a hypocrite? It took him one full year to tell me he was still talking to his ex... the one who physically and emotionally CHEATED on him, but that he forgave! I just thought they were friends. Turns out it was his ex. But I don't know her personally, so I should just deal with it. You know what? If I knew her personally, at least I'd be able to know whether she can be trusted or not. At least he knows what kind of guy my ex friend is, but I don't know what kind of girl she is, especially if she's a cheater. I am not saying your one incident makes up who you are. What I was saying is that people have a right to know about their SO's past. You should always want to know about your SO past behavior, this is one of the things that should tell you if want to be with that person. For instance, if a guy cheated on everyone of his ex's would you still date him? If you say yes then you shouldn't be surprised when he cheats on you. Peoples past behavior in general is one of the best indicators of who they are. You always judge a persons actions not their words He asked you about your past and you asked him about his past. Obviously you two have a lot of problems and you should consider if you really want to be with him. You are only 18 and if you having issues now they will most likely get worst. Look, I know you are a little jealous about him forgiving his ex-gf. But what you should really be angry about is the fact that he still talks to her. Now about you and your ex-friend with benefits, you didn't have to tell him on your first date but if you knew they were friends you should have told him towards the start of the relationship. Some people will disagree with this but if you did it you wouldn't be here now. I defiantly think he is holding a double standard but that doesn't mean what he is feeling is unwarranted. You both have a right to be angry with each other. You should be angry that he still talks to is ex-gf. You should also be concerned about what their "friendship" is really like. He should be angry because you withholding that info is really messed up. Now he feels like a fool and he can't trust you Answer the question I asked in the first post, if after a year being together you found out that your bf and best friend slept together and never told you. Would you be angry? Most likely you would. It sucks when you are deceived especially by two people you should be able to trust.
MrFun Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I ignored my girlfriend's past and bitterly learned to regret it....twice. Now I'm wiser. No matter what you did or didn't do in your past. It's your current principles and core values that make a difference. Past experiences make you who you are today, BUT most people never learn, they got away with something once and they'll try to get away with it again. Take a good look at your partners values and principles. If they don't match, the person doesn't match. Case in point: my exes both did coke and lied and dumped their long term bfs without any consideration. Both cheated and got away with it. They told me about their past, thought they were bold and noble in doing so. In the end though, I tried to ignore what I knew was inevitable all along. Both cheated and dumped me. And deep down I know they'll dump and cheat on the next guy. People that don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it.....
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 No offense to everyone but why are you pushing her shame and guilt buttons? She's got enough of it already, over something that's fairly insignificant on the scale of things. She gave a guy oral once, when she was 15. Big deal. We're not talking about sleeping with 40 guys before she hit the age of 18. If so, I would also be questioning her ethics and sanity.
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 No offense to everyone but why are you pushing her shame and guilt buttons? She's got enough of it already, over something that's fairly insignificant on the scale of things. She gave a guy oral once, when she was 15. Big deal. We're not talking about sleeping with 40 guys before she hit the age of 18. If so, I would also be questioning her ethics and sanity. I'm not questioning her ethics and sanity. In my first post I even said a few time that by todays standards what she did was small. What I am trying to point out to her is why her bf feels betrayed.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I'm not questioning her ethics and sanity. In my first post I even said a few time that by todays standards what she did was small. What I am trying to point out to her is why her bf feels betrayed. While I understand that you're trying to help, in your own way, read this excerpt from her opening post. Six months into the relationship he asks me about my past, I see more culpability in his actions, than hers. He chose not to ask, so there's no reason to previously divulge something, this insignificant. If he couldn't handle it, he should have asked at the start or just not asked at all. Now he's acting like a moron, for what, one act of oral? I mean seriously, is this guy a 12 year old?
Devil Inside Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 He sounds insecure. Hopefully he can get over the past and see that he has you in the present. If not the future may be done.
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