scienceguy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Hey, I've been on this forum for awhile, and I've read a lot of pretty awful stories about people who have been cheated on, lied to, emotionally manipulated and even physically abused. One of the things that really amazes me is that that, even if the situation is obviously wrong, the person will have a lot of trouble making the right decision. I'm certainly not immune to this, having dated somebody who cheated on me. I guess it's clear that love can complicate, or even blind, a person from the right decision, but here's a question I'd like to ask: What tools have you learned that have helped make sure you are no longer completely blinded by love? Are there any techniques, ideas or aphorisms you keep in mind? How do you make sure you won't be a doormat in your next relationship? Personally, this is a really important topic for me because one thing I kick myself about is that I saw a ton of red flags that she was messing around with another guy--things I saw her do to her previous ex-boyfriends--and I chose to ignore such things. For other reasons, it doesn't bother me too much, but it's definitely something I'd like to work on before I start looking for another girl.
love_fool Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 What tools have you learned that have helped make sure you are no longer completely blinded by love? Are there any techniques, ideas or aphorisms you keep in mind? How do you make sure you won't be a doormat in your next relationship? Friends and family to back me up 100%, pushing me to just break up with him. Them calling me every night time and time again for me to realize his wrongs. Of course I didn't believe it and justified his wrongs. Regardless, they are your rock. They opened my eyes, and it took 6 months for them to do that. I can not be thankful enough for a community like LS, and all the aphorisms and words of wisdom shared between us within these forums have been a push for me to get back on my feet. "Do not settle for less" is my current favourite aphorism at the moment. I will be sure not to fall back into this next time, because the pain alone I had to endure is enough for me to know when the right time is to leave.
CaliGuy Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 What tools have you learned that have helped make sure you are no longer completely blinded by love? One of the best ways is to write down your exes faults. You'll soon learn that person isn't nearly as high up on that pedestal as you thought! Are there any techniques, ideas or aphorisms you keep in mind? I remind myself that the ex took me for granted and left me to be with someone she thinks is "better" for her. While that may be true, I also know that I deserve better than her, FOR SURE! Not only that, but I WILL find someone better How do you make sure you won't be a doormat in your next relationship? For this I highly recommend "No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover). Solved my problem right then and there
NightLord1 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 You will only be a doormat if you ALLOW someone to walk all over you. Anyone will take someone for granted if given a chance. There's two things I live by now whenever i deal with ANYONE and those are "indifference" and "do not react" When you show indifference and can genuinely be that way without it being an act then you are showing that you are cool, collected, and can handle any situation you are faced with calm resolve. This shows confidence and that you are sure of yourself. If you do not over react to things this again shows you can handle yourself and keep yourself collected and calm. Whenever someone can get you to become angry to the point of blowing up, showing TOO much outward emotion, or loosing your cool they pretty much win right then and there because you let yourself be controlled by them by loosing your emotional control. Women like guys that are confident, sure of themselves, and know where they are going in life. Ask ANY woman what they find attractive in a guy i'm sure most of them would say confidence. There is line between confidence and being full of yourself like bragging but confidence will take you far in ANYTHING that you do period. Don't let things get to you so much and try to "roll with the blows" that life throws at you and you may find yourself less stressed out and even more attractive to women. Just my thoughts. Regards,
Nuala83 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 For this I highly recommend "No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover). Solved my problem right then and there I've heard you recommend that one before especially for men. D'ya know of anything good out there for women?
Quest Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Good questions! Force yourself to look at the other person's behaviour, not their words. Read 'He's Just Not That Into You'. When your instincts are saying something's wrong listen to them and talk to friends about it. Get lots of reinforcement from friends when you decide 'enough's enough' so you don't get sweet-talked back into the relationship. Keep a list of reasons why you broke the relationship off next to the phone - just in case. If you've got real co-dependency issues join a group. Remember it's better to be on your own than with someone who undermines you.
CaliGuy Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I've heard you recommend that one before especially for men. D'ya know of anything good out there for women? There's nothing I know of on that level but I will say that if you find books on boundaries, self-respect and confidence, that's about the same. NMMNG is about loving and respecting yourself and acting like a man (not a door mat). Without loving and respecting yourself, this is impossible to accomplish. Too many people feel they need to be validated by others when in truth, the root of confidence is self-validation. "Am I doing this because it makes me happy or am I trying to make others happy?!" When your motivation is to make others happy to make yourself happy, it often leads to destroying confidence and self-esteem. You're not on this planet to MAKE others happy and honestly, that is out of your control. The only person you control on this planet is yourself. I am not saying ignore others or don't be kind. Just don't validate yourself though others.
caramel c Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 There's nothing I know of on that level but I will say that if you find books on boundaries, self-respect and confidence, that's about the same. NMMNG is about loving and respecting yourself and acting like a man (not a door mat). Without loving and respecting yourself, this is impossible to accomplish. Too many people feel they need to be validated by others when in truth, the root of confidence is self-validation. "Am I doing this because it makes me happy or am I trying to make others happy?!" When your motivation is to make others happy to make yourself happy, it often leads to destroying confidence and self-esteem. You're not on this planet to MAKE others happy and honestly, that is out of your control. The only person you control on this planet is yourself. I am not saying ignore others or don't be kind. Just don't validate yourself though others. These second two paragraphs are genius. Thank you.
moo Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I've heard you recommend that one before especially for men. D'ya know of anything good out there for women? Yes, the book "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
nature Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Book for women: "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov is the equivalent to the men's "No More Mr Nice Guy". It basically tells you to love and respect yourself first, to not act as a doormat, and to not try to be something you are not to please a man, etc. It's an excellent book for women needing strength to get their self esteem back and set boundaries.
Recommended Posts