Care for him very deeply, but not in love. Can't seem to find the strength to end it

[Onionskin]

Hi guys

 

I adore my bf of 5 years, he is my best friend and has always been there for me through everything.

 

However, I am not in love with him. I care for him deeply, but it is different. As much as I don't want to lose him out of my life, I am being unfair.

 

I don't know what to do. Everything is wonderful up until the time when he wants to be intimate and it is weird to me, like having sex with my best friend... or brother!

 

I have tried in vain 4 times now to break it off, but every time I crumble and tell him I love him and I want to be with him - honestly, the thought of seperation between our mutual friends, having to find a new place to live, not having anyone to care for me anymore and things like that are what usually stop me.

 

Any advice? We live together too (me at his place) and he is madly in love with me.

[Soul Bear]

5 years doesn't come easy....not with anyone....

[Thornton]

I have been in this type of relationship, and you have a choice between working on the physical side of your relationship and trying to feel passionate about him again, or ending it. Usually in my experience the passionate feelings have simply gone and can't be recaptured, and you don't even want to work on the physical side of things because you just don't feel that way about him. If you don't have any chemistry with him, my advice would be to end the relationship - you both deserve someone who you feel attracted to and who feels attracted to you. Could you really see yourself spending the rest of your life in a passionless relationship with this guy?

[Onionskin]

Usually in my experience the passionate feelings have simply gone and can't be recaptured, and you don't even want to work on the physical side of things because you just don't feel that way about him.

 

You have captured it exactly. I have no desire to even work on it, because the feelings are just gone.

 

What did you do, if you don't mind me asking?

[NopeNah]

You need to be honest with him and end it. Don't give him any false hope of a 2nd chance, either.

[boogieboy]

You have captured it exactly. I have no desire to even work on it, because the feelings are just gone.

 

What did you do, if you don't mind me asking?

 

SHe left and moved out, thats what she did. Besides the inconvienences of moving, co-dependence, and guilt, what are you afraid of?

[Thornton]

You have captured it exactly. I have no desire to even work on it, because the feelings are just gone.

 

What did you do, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Sadly I had no choice but to end the relationship - things weren't going to get any better and I couldn't live like that forever. The relationship had no future in it - if we weren't having sex before marriage, things were hardly going to get any better afterwards, and we would obviously never have kids - neither of us deserved to spend our lives like that, because without physical chemistry all we really had was a friendship. My ex and I are still friends and are dating other people, and I'm happy that he has someone who feels passionate about him. I'm sad to lose our close friendship, but I was maintaining the friendship at the cost of a proper relationship for both of us, and we are still friends.

[BeSteady]

If you do lcare for him then be respectful and do the right thing and end it. IF you do it with kindness, compassion and grace there is a chance sometime in the future there can be a friendship

[boogieboy]

DONT hope for a future friendship, if you think that you might wind up telling him the wrong thing like "can we be friends" which will be torture to him.

[Onionskin]

Besides the inconvienences of moving, co-dependence, and guilt, what are you afraid of?

 

Making a mistake and wanting him back.

Division between our mutual friends.

Going through the same pain and torture I went through with my ex.

Losing one of my best friends.

My family losing someone they have come to know as family.

Hurting someone who I care for so much (although I have to keep reminding myself to stop thinking about him and think about me - it's very hard!)

 

Why is this going on for five years?! If when you are intimate, he is like a best friend or brother, then why is this still going on. That is a serious issue. You have to have that sort of chemistry to continue such a relationship. It sounds like you have misled him and he is going to endure massive heartbreak. I feel sorry for him....

 

It hasn't been. I have only felt this way for the past year or so (although that isn't any better, I know). As I said, every time it came down to it - should I stay or should I go - I crumbled each and every time and just stayed. I need to know how to get up the strength to do what is best for both of us.

[Thornton]

Are you sure you couldn't regain any chemistry with him? When my relationships have turned into brother-sister friendships, it's usually happened within the first six months or so, plus I wasn't really that into the guy in the first place. If your relationship worked for four years, what changed? I think you have to be 100% certain that your relationship can't be saved before you break up with him. Perhaps you should go to counselling together? Does he know how you feel?

 

I understand how you feel about losing a friend, and your family losing him too, plus division among mutual friends... I've been through it all. Many of our mutual friends sided with my ex and I no longer see them, my mother was devastated to lose him and still keeps in touch with him, and his family were devastated to lose me - as was I to lose them, because they were like my family. Luckily I didn't lose him as a friend - we're no longer as close as we were when we lived together, but we're still good friends, which is really all we should ever have been.

 

I think when it comes down to it, if you don't have those feelings for someone then the relationship is going nowhere. No matter how well you get on, or how much you like each other's families and friends, it's no good if you don't have any chemistry together... ultimately you're unlikely to be able to remain in a passionless relationship forever. Sooner or later someone will come along who does push your buttons, and then you'll be ripe for an affair. Are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life not having sex (which will make it very difficult to have kids), not feeling any excitement about the person you're with, not wanting to kiss him and make love to him? Is your bf prepared to spend the rest of his life putting up with you rejecting him? It doesn't sound like a happy situation for either of you.

 

Breaking up with my bf was difficult, but looking back it was the correct decision - I had no bf-gf type feelings for him and I really felt that lacking in my life - I still fancied guys and I didn't want to live the rest of my life in a passionless relationship. When I see him now, the complete lack of any physical feelings (and the complete lack of jealousy about him dating other girls) tells me I did the right thing.

[Onionskin]

Are you sure you couldn't regain any chemistry with him? When my relationships have turned into brother-sister friendships, it's usually happened within the first six months or so, plus I wasn't really that into the guy in the first place. If your relationship worked for four years, what changed? I think you have to be 100% certain that your relationship can't be saved before you break up with him. Perhaps you should go to counselling together? Does he know how you feel?

 

No. No he doesn't know how I feel because as I said, every time it comes down to it I cave in and tell him everything is fine. Honestly as much as I love them, I blame my parents. My dad had a tendancy to become verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive after a few drinks, and my mum was always telling me to just shutup so dad wouldn't get angrier. I was brought up with a very "keep your mouth shut and keep the peace" mentality..

 

I think when it comes down to it, if you don't have those feelings for someone then the relationship is going nowhere. No matter how well you get on, or how much you like each other's families and friends, it's no good if you don't have any chemistry together... ultimately you're unlikely to be able to remain in a passionless relationship forever. Sooner or later someone will come along who does push your buttons, and then you'll be ripe for an affair. Are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life not having sex (which will make it very difficult to have kids), not feeling any excitement about the person you're with, not wanting to kiss him and make love to him? Is your bf prepared to spend the rest of his life putting up with you rejecting him? It doesn't sound like a happy situation for either of you.

 

You're totally right, and I know that. Every time my bf and I have come close to breaking up, it is due to him feeling unloved by me, and each time I end up hurting him again. He doesn't deserve any of it. When we first met I was very very young (21) and he was much older (38). I was obsessed with him for years, completely infatuated... maybe that is all it has ever been? Now years down the track something just in me has changed.

 

When I see him now, the complete lack of any physical feelings (and the complete lack of jealousy about him dating other girls) tells me I did the right thing.

 

See that's where I'm confused... the thought of him with another girl breaks my heart.

[Thomas X Forever]

No. No he doesn't know how I feel because as I said, every time it comes down to it I cave in and tell him everything is fine. Honestly as much as I love them, I blame my parents. My dad had a tendancy to become verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive after a few drinks, and my mum was always telling me to just shutup so dad wouldn't get angrier. I was brought up with a very "keep your mouth shut and keep the peace" mentality..

 

This is very important. I suggest you explore this more about yourself.

 

 

 

When we first met I was very very young (21) and he was much older (38). I was obsessed with him for years, completely infatuated... maybe that is all it has ever been? Now years down the track something just in me has changed.

 

Bet you this had something to do with your dad. In fact, I bet it had a LOT to do with your dad.

[Onionskin]

Bet you this had something to do with your dad. In fact, I bet it had a LOT to do with your dad.

 

Yes, I thought so too. Maybe it scares me, the thought of ending up with someone like my dad?? I had never gone for older men before, EVER.

 

Oh gosh please don't get me wrong, I love my dad. He is a wonderful person. I don't want to make him sound like some ogre.

[Thomas X Forever]

Everything is wonderful up until the time when he wants to be intimate and it is weird to me, like having sex with my best friend... or brother!

 

 

...or dad.

 

 

Anyway, let's get real. This age difference was asinine, and bound to crash and burn.

 

And we naturally look for a partner like our parents, because growing up, that's the guidelines for what is considered "normal" in our eyes. We subconsciously seek partners that are like our parents.

 

Does your boyfriend have any addictions?

[Onionskin]

...or dad.

 

Anyway, let's get real. This age difference was asinine, and bound to crash and burn.

 

And we naturally look for a partner like our parents, because growing up, that's the guidelines for what is considered "normal" in our eyes. We subconsciously seek partners that are like our parents.

 

Does your boyfriend have any addictions?

 

Oh dear... [

 

So you don't believe in any of that romantic "age is just a number" stuff that everyone is always saying??

 

Addictions - none. He hardly drinks, doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble or do anything of the sort.

[Thomas X Forever]

Oh dear... [

 

So you don't believe in any of that romantic "age is just a number" stuff that everyone is always saying??

Addictions - none. He hardly drinks, doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble or do anything of the sort.

 

 

This shows you have some level of deep insight. You may not understand how, but you do.

 

As for if I believe age is just a number... well, I dated and fell in love with a girl 4 and a half years younger than me. I still love her to death and miss her every single day and night. But 19 year age difference is pushing it.

 

That's ashton kutcher/demi moore craziness. Not to belittle your relationship. It's entirely possible it COULD be successful. The probability is just lower, and thus, why I made the earlier comment. Take it with a grain of salt because I don't technically know you two in depth, I can't say for sure. But you yourself know you want out. I don't need to know a damn thing about psychology to know that you should probably leave... Which pains me to say, because I hate to advocate breaking a heart. I know how bad it feels. Every day I do. But what can you do?

[Onionskin]

Hmmm... it may take me another 6 months to end this haha... I just know myself too well... but thanks for listening to me, I really appreciate the things you've said.

[NightLord1]

This would seem to be a very bad situation for the poor dude you are with because honestly this is just not healthy at all for either of you. You are making him believe you still do have passion for him when you don't and he's over there believing you do so in a sense that's a lie and a sham and in a way could even be considered manipulation even if you aren't doing it intentionally because you are pretending to be something that you don't feel you are anymore.

 

I don't mean to come off so harsh but you honestly have to tell this guy how you feel and break it off. I believe your obsession with him could have been because he reminded of your father only as the NICE dad that you wished you had more of. You know the guy that wasn't telling you to shut up and yelling at you constantly.

 

Thing with infatuations is they usually end just as hard as they started.

 

I'm no shrink but just offering my opinion. The longer this drags it could be possible you could come to resent this guy because you may feel that he is holding you back when in fact, it is you that is holding yourself back.

Regards

[NopeNah]

Why 6 months? Looks to me you're using this guy for a place to live..move out and move on! Let him do the same! He doesn't deserve to be strung along.

[boogieboy]

Making a mistake and wanting him back.

Division between our mutual friends.

Going through the same pain and torture I went through with my ex.

Losing one of my best friends.

My family losing someone they have come to know as family.

Hurting someone who I care for so much (although I have to keep reminding myself to stop thinking about him and think about me - it's very hard!)

.

 

wanting him back is the only thing you should be thinking of here. You seem to mostly be concerned with the inconvienences and not trying to figure out how to restore the passion in your relationship....

 

All the other reasons are just selfish, you will have to deal with them regardless.

 

Try to figure out how to regain the passion in your relationship if you think breaking it off would be a mistake. I mean if you think of him as a brother now, how could you possibly want to get back with him if you only think of him as a brother now?

[NopeNah]

how could you possibly want to get back with him if you only think of him as a brother now?

From what I gather...rent and bills are expensive when you're solo,YO! ..anyways.. OP..don't wait 6 months! Cut this guy free from someone who does not feel the same as he does. It's the ONLY/RIGHT thing to do.

[boogieboy]

From what I gather...rent and bills are expensive when you're solo,YO! ..anyways.. OP..don't wait 6 months! Cut this guy free from someone who does not feel the same as he does. It's the ONLY/RIGHT thing to do.

 

YO?!? wtf

 

 

anyways, rent and bills is no reason to string someone along.

[NopeNah]

rent and bills is no reason to string someone along.

yea...that was my point. Thats what I see her stringing him along for. Hell! She even said it herself, to a point.