WhereDoesTheGoodGo Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Hi! Sorry if this is long. My boyfriend of 8 months is doubting his feelings for me. The first 6 months of us going out were fantastic- as always. We had arguments but nothing we couldn't deal with- not many. We then went on holiday in Italy for a whole 3 weeks,and there we had a massive falling out that resulted in him leaving the hotel he was staying in. It was during that night that he, according to his own words, decided that we were over. I acted in a horrible way that night and I'm not proud of it. He eventually came back, and told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. 2 hours later he took it all back, and swore he was drunk, he didn't know what he was saying, he was angry at me. I gave us a second chance. Jump to now. Ever since coming back from the holiday I've had difficulties letting go of what he told me that awful night. I lost my job soon after, and I'm finding it really hard being at home not doing anything, except applying for jobs. I guess you could say I'm depressed. This has resulted in increasingly needy behavior on my part which has been driving my partner away. He has told me he would be there for me through everything, but I'm sure he is feeling the pressure. We've been bickering in the last couple of weeks also. We had a small argument on Sunday, and he tried to get me to open up and talk about why we were arguing. I felt pressured and couldn't express myself, and after he had over and over again tried to get me to talk, I told him I was thinking about "a smooth exit" from this relationship, which isn't true at all, I regret saying it. He totally lost it, and got up to leave. I begged him to stay and then he told me everything that had been bothering me: - he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, however his behavior and what he had told me up to there were in complete contrast to this, he looked me in the eye the previous night and told me he loved me -he sometimes feels that he is too much of a coward to break up with me, out of fear of hurting me - it hasn't been the same since italy After this he stormed out. After this I sent him an email stating that if this is how he really felt, we would be better off apart, that I would not want him in my life.He phone me that night, told me that he did love me, but wasn't sure if we can make it work. He told me in stead of feeling relief after walking out on me- he felt incredibly sad and lost. He kept listening to my favorite song and crying. He told me he didn't want to give up on us. I told him the same. He asked about the email- I told him I'm confused. He spoke about us in the past tense which made me sad. He hasn't told any of his friends about what is going on yet. He told me not having me in his life would destroy him. I understand none of this is a sign that he loves me- just a sign that he cares for me. We agreed to meet in a few days. What should I expect? Do you think he just wanted to break up with me in person hence the delay?
mickleb Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Gosh, sweetheart, BOTH of you are very confused. It's as though you both really want to make it work but neither of you know the answer. You could say that you know you've been feeling down recently and that your work situation is nothing to do with him, and you're sorry it is affecting him. I would suggest you try to focus on this part of your life, at the moment, because that stuff - about not being able to love someone if you don't love yourself - is all true. You could say you love him to bits but you need to sort your life out and suggest you both take a step away from the intensity of the relationship, not necessarily by taking a break, but maybe by going back to just dating again? You could try to build the fun and good times back. He might not want to do this. He might have been doubting things in his heart and denying them in his behaviour but you both need to be honest, listen to each other and then (painful as it MAY be) respect what each other is saying. Keep us posted and good luck. xx
Author WhereDoesTheGoodGo Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Thank you for your very sweet reply. What you suggested is exactly what I'd been thinking. There's been too many tears for two people to handle recently. I'm just hoping he still wants to try to work it out. Regardless whether we *can* work it out- I want to try. I guess him even entertaining the thought of leaving the relationship behind speaks volumes of his feelings for me, or does it....I just don't know.
mickleb Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I don't know, my dear. Remember to let him know you will respect what he has to say before you give him the opportunity to be honest, and then hear him out. Remember that his honesty might not be what you want to hear. I'm rooting for you. Tread carefully and take care of yourself, with every step. x
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