KikiW Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I get that you don't believe you would ever love them like you love your own children, and that they act out in ugly ways. Problem is, you are married to their father. They are acting out because of the situation they are in. They have a party-girl mother that they probably know is not a good influence (at least subconsciously), and they are calling you "mom"... maybe because they see you as a mother-role model. And you tell them not to call you that. I wonder how that makes them feel? I wonder how having an irresponsible biological mother and a step-mother that holds them at arms length would affect them? I assume you have your own children from your statements - I wonder what they pick up on when you interact with your children and your behavior toward them? I really think you should get into some family counseling, like someone else mentioned. You can shout at all the posters who are encouraging you to work on forming a deeper relationship all you want, but the fact is you DID marry their father and with their father comes THEM. You need to put some effort into this, for the sake of those kids.
Sassy Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Silver Wolf, I'm sorry but you need to make an effort with these kids. You chose to be a part of their lives when you chose to be a part of your husband's life. They are a package deal, and to try and separate them from him is dismissing a big part of who he is. These children have seen their parents divorce (presumably). That is painful for any child. How do you think it makes them feel when you are dismissive of them, particularly when they are calling you an affectionate name? You do not have to BE their mom, but like it or not, you are a mother-figure to them. JMHO I agree totally!!
jasminetea Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I think I understand where you're coming from, although my step children are a lot older being 24 and 26. What worries me the most is the way they treat me as extension of their father. I.e. they expect me to put up with their cr*p, using my things without asking, abusing my home. I'm sure they wouldn't do that if I were an acquaintance or a friend of the family, I'm sure they'd be on their best behaviour if they felt they were guests, which really, they are! Its great that you actually feel nothing about your two, I really dislike my step daughter (I've never had such a disconnect with any other woman in my life), the fact that you feel nothing negative is far better than that. However, your marriage and your family life would be a lot more comfortable if you cared for them even a little bit. Have you tried spending time with them one on one? If they're together, they'll act as a pack and if daddy is in the picture they'll probably start manipulating; but if its just you and one of them at a time, it'll make it a lot easier to start relating. Even if you don't start loving them, it may be a great place to start gently putting in place boundaries with them.
queeniegirl Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Is it normal to not want to be close to your step kids. I have no desire to be their mother...they call me mom and that bothers me and I tell them to stop it. I just don't want to get close to them. I deal with them while they are around and thats it. I never say I love them because I don't. I don't hate them, I don't dislike them..I just feel nothing for them. Unfortunately, I know where you are coming from. Hate to say it, but mine acts like total brats 99 percent of the time. I only put up with them because of my $ situation right now. They make my life hell.
Shygirl15 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Their father sounds like a moron for marrying you. His kids should come first! He should be looking for a woman who will have respect for his kids, and who will put some effort into getting to know them and treating them with dignity. It's understandable if you don't want them calling you mom.. but CHOOSING to be with a man who has kids and not being willing to put forth some effort into forming a POSITIVE, healthy relationship with his kids or including them in your family? That sounds like a pretty horrendous situation for those kids. I feel for them. Exactly. He sounds like a whimp.
whimsical_memory Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I don't honestly believe that a step-parent can truly feel the same bond with their spouses child as they will when they have their own biological child. There is just something about knowing that you have carried this precious child inside your body, felt every move, every kick...every hiccup. The pain of labor is something that will bind you to your child in a way that being a step-parent does not do. I admire the OP for having the strength to be open about her feelings toward her step-children and for being open and honest about it with her husband.
Kamille Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Hmmm. Okay. So you know and realize that you could never love your husband's children as your own. He understands it. You take care of them and provide them. I'm going to assume that in providing for them you also provide them with some guidelines and boundaries. So where's the problem? Why is this an issue?
queeniegirl Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I'm telling you, even my own kids are too hard to cope with. My stepkids are not blending well. Feel overwhelmed. Trying to cope with a drinking problem and it's all a bit much.
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