heatherb16 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Things were going perfect. 1 month after the break up we were able to hang out and just have fun. Nothing physical. I was so proud of us both. Then one night, about 1 week ago, he came over, just like he had before. It was fine until we went to say goodbye. We hugged and immediately those feelings came back. For both of us. Touching soon happened. Followed by kissing. I wont go into details. I don't know why this is happening to me. Everything was going so well. If you go read my other posts you will see that we once had a break about 6 months into our relationship. The break consisted of pretty much what our relationship consisted of. We still kissed etc.. I feel like the same thing is happening. The thing is.. I don't blame him. It was equally both of our faults. Except I could have refused. I could have told myself that I'm not giving him myself for free. But I didn't do that. I showed him that he can pretty much get me whenever he wants. He knows I'm weak. How do you say no to someone that you have been in love with for a year and a half. I feel like my life is on repeat- a broken record. Get together, break up, make out, get together, break up, make out. But I need him. I need him to lean on. I need him to talk to. The worst part is that I can't even tell my best friend about it because I know she will probably contact him and scream and yell. Even during our relationship she always had to find something to get mad at him for. He was the nicest person you could ever meet and I believe my friends were jealous about that. He never once treated them with a bit of disrespect. He was always willing to be there for them, like he was for me. It kills me not being able to tell her. It really does. But, that's not the point. I don't know what to do. But I do know that everyone here is going to tell me to go into NC. Ever since the breakup we haven't been talking 24/7. There will be like 4 days where we wont talk at all and then we will text a little and maybe hang out for a bit. Today is the 5th day of not talking. I feel like we are doing it the right way. We are still open to contact each other if we want, but we aren't constantly seeing each other and talking like we were for the first couple of weeks after the break up. Should I just keep this up to see what happens? He doesn't want me back, so that is not an option. Things just felt so right. I came to the realization that he doesn't want me and that we just aren't meant to be, so why is this happening? What I can't figure out is if he'd just do what he did with me, with any other girl. Is it just testosterone kicking in, so he is using me? Or is it really that he still has feelings for me too, and is just pushing them back so he doesn't have to deal with a relationship? I'm sure no one can answer those questions, only he can. But It's just so confusing and difficult. This can be so frustrating.
tinktronik Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 If this person does not want to be with you and you view being physical with him as giving yourself away for free... Then you should also view him as being willing to take from you what you offer, knowing that you are in a disadvantaged position emotionally. You should go NC all the way, (at least for a while) maybe for 6 weeks and then see if you are feeling stronger.
miracle89 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 It's very difficult to be strong and not contact him and cope with your emotions in other ways. Hey, i'm in the situation now, trying to be strong and not knowing where i'm going to head with my guy and this whole NC thing is definately killing me, but girl, there's a time when we're just tested and once we go through an obstacle, it only makes us stronger and it'd be easier next time around. YOu said that you need him, love him and lean on him, have you considered that's probably the issue to why he needs his space soo much? Sometimes giving them space doesn't mean not talking to them for a couple of days and then expect things to be great, sometimes it means that whilst giving them space, you work on yourself and improve your problems so that when you talk again things could be different. Don't ask them why they are not commiting or why does it keep happening, sometimes we have to find the answers by ourselves, sometimes we need to take other measures to find out their feelings for us. Instead if he calls you on a night when you would usually be avaliable, tell him you're not because you are really looking forward to spending the night cuddling up in your blanket and watching a movie and that you will talk to him on X day. don't do it every time though. that way he'd think that you don't need him and will make more of an effort to keep you. If he doesn't then you have your answer to how deep his feelings for you are. Don't be someone whos predictable all the time, sure, show him affection when you spend time together and don't be a b**ch but also let him know where to draw the line.
Author heatherb16 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 It's very difficult to be strong and not contact him and cope with your emotions in other ways. Hey, i'm in the situation now, trying to be strong and not knowing where i'm going to head with my guy and this whole NC thing is definately killing me, but girl, there's a time when we're just tested and once we go through an obstacle, it only makes us stronger and it'd be easier next time around. YOu said that you need him, love him and lean on him, have you considered that's probably the issue to why he needs his space soo much? Sometimes giving them space doesn't mean not talking to them for a couple of days and then expect things to be great, sometimes it means that whilst giving them space, you work on yourself and improve your problems so that when you talk again things could be different. Don't ask them why they are not commiting or why does it keep happening, sometimes we have to find the answers by ourselves, sometimes we need to take other measures to find out their feelings for us. Instead if he calls you on a night when you would usually be avaliable, tell him you're not because you are really looking forward to spending the night cuddling up in your blanket and watching a movie and that you will talk to him on X day. don't do it every time though. that way he'd think that you don't need him and will make more of an effort to keep you. If he doesn't then you have your answer to how deep his feelings for you are. Don't be someone whos predictable all the time, sure, show him affection when you spend time together and don't be a b**ch but also let him know where to draw the line. Thank you. And we have, in fact, talked about how much space each of us needs. We know each others limits. But if he needs space then why is he doing that to me? Make much sense? It actually makes me feel good, knowing that he is the one who was craving that kiss, more than I was.
miracle89 Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 NP! To be honest, i don't know why exactly he does that, but maybe he could be thinking the same thing as you, maybe he is as confused about your relationship as you are, so therefore before jumping into the fire hotheaded he needs to know for sure what's actually happening between you two. The one thing that i have known is that a guy wouldn't re make a commitment after a break up or break unless he is sure that things will be different or will improve. or that the issue that was originally there that caused the problem in the first place would be dealt with and there is no other way without being in eachothers shoes than to have a bit of distant. It's cool for him to 'figure' out his feelings and deal with it appropriately and you can choose to be apart of it or not, but don't let him treat you like a doormat or someone who he can see on his terms, it's just going to be too overwhelming for you to deal with especially when the heat is strong. It should make you feel good that he wanted that kiss more than you and that's how it should be 80% of the time (for now), until you can start trusting him that he wants to make a serious commitment again, then obviously it goes back to 50 -50..
Author heatherb16 Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 NP! To be honest, i don't know why exactly he does that, but maybe he could be thinking the same thing as you, maybe he is as confused about your relationship as you are, so therefore before jumping into the fire hotheaded he needs to know for sure what's actually happening between you two. The one thing that i have known is that a guy wouldn't re make a commitment after a break up or break unless he is sure that things will be different or will improve. or that the issue that was originally there that caused the problem in the first place would be dealt with and there is no other way without being in eachothers shoes than to have a bit of distant. It's cool for him to 'figure' out his feelings and deal with it appropriately and you can choose to be apart of it or not, but don't let him treat you like a doormat or someone who he can see on his terms, it's just going to be too overwhelming for you to deal with especially when the heat is strong. It should make you feel good that he wanted that kiss more than you and that's how it should be 80% of the time (for now), until you can start trusting him that he wants to make a serious commitment again, then obviously it goes back to 50 -50.. You make great points. We have also had a break before, though. Thought things were different, but obviously weren't. Maybe we both were just too immature then, and didn't know what we wanted. I didn't really give myself the time to think about what went wrong in our relationship, during that break, because he told me it was just him and HE needed time. Maybe we should have given ourselves more time before jumping so suddenly into our relationship, again.. I think we were covering up problems, and just didn't want to admit to them. Or maybe he's just very bad at committment. Many possibilities. But I do know, now, that I have had the time to think, now that we are completely broken up, so if there IS a future for us, it may turn out better than this time Am I crazy? Haha.
gd26 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 By kissing you (while at the same time not wanting to get back together with you), he is only playing with your feelings and showing you disrespect. It's not fair to you for him to mess with your heart like that. If he ever tries to make a move on you in the future, you need to be very firm with him and tell him to STOP. I know this is difficult to you since you still want him, but do it out of respect to yourself knowing that you deserve intimacy with someone who genuinely wants to be your boyfriend - not someone who doesn't.
LakesideDream Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Heather, life isn't as simple as NC, and 180's. Life doesen't fit into little boxes we can put on the shelf and ignore until we decide to take them down and peer inside. Take what you want from the advise you receive, and in the end, or the middle.. do what you need. Feed your soul. If you don't it may die. I'm nearly a decade out from where you are, and I don't know how I would handle a similar situation. I think I know what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't push them away, or act revengefully. I've loved two women in my life. If either knocked on my door I would invite them in and offer them my hospitality. I'd listen to them. I'd love them, because that's what comes naturally to me. If I believed their need was great, I'd allow them to use me. Why not? When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. I would do my best not to let either of them hurt me. I still can feel pain. Don't beat yourself up. Time will pass, and things will become clearer in your mind. With luck and the will of God, the decisions you make will be good ones. The important thing is to make those decisions. Don't allow others to control you any longer.
Author heatherb16 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Heather, life isn't as simple as NC, and 180's. Life doesen't fit into little boxes we can put on the shelf and ignore until we decide to take them down and peer inside. Take what you want from the advise you receive, and in the end, or the middle.. do what you need. Feed your soul. If you don't it may die. I'm nearly a decade out from where you are, and I don't know how I would handle a similar situation. I think I know what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't push them away, or act revengefully. I've loved two women in my life. If either knocked on my door I would invite them in and offer them my hospitality. I'd listen to them. I'd love them, because that's what comes naturally to me. If I believed their need was great, I'd allow them to use me. Why not? When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. I would do my best not to let either of them hurt me. I still can feel pain. Don't beat yourself up. Time will pass, and things will become clearer in your mind. With luck and the will of God, the decisions you make will be good ones. The important thing is to make those decisions. Don't allow others to control you any longer. Wow. Your posts are inspiring. I've read a few and immediately am in awe, including the one you wrote to me. Thank you very much for your insight and knowledge.
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