fooled once Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I know that seems like a stupid question since the forum is about OW/OM. But we have people from all over posting here, so I thought I would ask. I have never broken vows. When I was involved with a MM, I wasn't married, he was. I don't consider that 'cheating' on my part. I have never dated or married anyone who cheated. I see a lot of times a poster who is involved in an extramariatal affair say "well, my spouse cheated too" almost as if that is justification. I am trying very hard to not be too judgmental; because everyone is judgmental in their beliefs and I won't be a hypocrite and say I am not judgemental. But in this case, I don't intend to come off as judgemental. Just reallly curious. I am finding out that infidelity isn't as uncommon as I thought it was Maybe I am just naive or something. Have you been involved/married and cheated on that person ~ either a PA or an EA? If so, why did you cheat? Is it over? If so, why is it over? Did you end it or did the other person?
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Its a complicated question, for me. I have never cheated ON anyone. But I have been the other woman unknowingly AND willingly at times. When I found out I was the OW, I left. No questions asked. Except for the one time I actually did fall for the guy. But I was young and so was he. He fits the many MM I see here, but once he got engaged and confirmed for me that I was in a string of OW for him, I was out of there. I didn't bash him for it. I just left. It was over. But, to answer the question: I really don't know for sure. Unless you want to count the guy I dated in 7th grade. We were faithful for one week! LOL. I dumped him so that I could date another guy. Classic, right? LOL. Sorry, if I wasn't helpful.
2sure Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Nope. But I think that hanging out in relationship forums gives one an inflated view of how many people cheat. There are plenty of people in healthy relationships that have no need of relationship forums. In the past, I was OW and the guys were MM. At the time, I would say to myself: I know its wrong, but its not me doing the cheating. Ummm, no. If I knew it was wrong...what exactly did I think was wrong?? It was cheating, it was betrayal, I participated. So, although I can easily say I have always been monogomous...I have cheated. If you participate in infidelity...well, what IS infidelity if not cheating? What is cheating if not the opposite of fidelity? Just my opinion.
Peanut9330 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I have been cheated on but I never cheated on anyone and I would never cheat. Also I could never be with someone who is married or in another relationship that he is planning on ending soon, i'm not judging anyone who does or has been in that kind of relationship its just something that I cant handle.
Lyssa Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Like NID, it's quite a complicated Q. I've never cheated on my partners but been cheated on before. Sucks balls, I tell you. I don't want my partner to go through the pain so why do it, you know? I didn't know cheating is such a common behaviour until I came on LS (especially lately - with all the new threads on Infidelity/OW&OM boards). It's pretty scary but with the things that I had to go through as a fOW, my fiance knows very well that I wouldn't put up with cheating so if he ever did try, that would be the end of us and vice versa. Not sure if this answers your Q but my previous R and current one right now - have been the most fulfilling Rs I've ever been in. My ex was honest with me in every way and he was faithful. The same goes for my current partner.
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Yup, I would say that relationship forums which focus on infidelity and cheating, do give people an over-inflated view on how many people cheat or have been involved with cheaters as the other person. And yes, I've been in more than one totally faithful relationship, never cheated and never been involved with anyone who was previously committed, whether it was solely a relationship, common-law or married. I also know a lot of people IRL, who haven't cheated, been cheated on or been part of any type of cheating triangle. It really isn't as uncommon as people believe it to be. Oh, I should clarify that I've been cheated on.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 It really isn't as uncommon as people believe it to be. I agree. And I know plenty of folks that wouldn't cheat and haven't particpated in cheating willingly. Unfortunately, for some of us, cheating is quite common in our circles IRL. It is in mine. Doesn't mean that I make excuses or allowances for it. Just means I know its happening and have to deal with that reality.
AlektraClementine Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Even if my marriage to my former husband failed, I can report that he was faithful the entire time. As was I. I can also say with certainty that he would have NEVER cheated. That man would have remained in a miserable marriage for a lifetime (I pulled the plug but we were both unhappy) w/o ever resorting to being unfaithful. Just not in his bones to do it. I can also say that he is re-married and hasn't and wouldn't cheat on her either. Nor will I. I'll come to loveshack or go to a girlfriend in a panic about how I might be feeling things for another man and settle it before it gets to a bad place before I'd ever cheat.
sally4sara Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I have been 100 percent faithful in all my relationships where monogamy was expected since high school.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I have been 100 percent faithful in all my relationships where monogamy was expected since high school. Now, this has been true about me. But I am not sure if the Op is asking if we've ever participated in cheating too. I don't know. I'm developing a problem with simple questions lately. LOL. I love the qualifier "where monogamy was expected". Brilliant!!!
sally4sara Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Now, this has been true about me. But I am not sure if the Op is asking if we've ever participated in cheating too. I don't know. I'm developing a problem with simple questions lately. LOL. I love the qualifier "where monogamy was expected". Brilliant!!! Yeah, I didn't bother to factor in any time I enabled a cheater because I wouldn't knowingly do that and once discovered, never did it again! It is hard to know how to answer a question like that sometimes. I almost asked "what do you consider cheating"? because even that varies on here!
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I almost asked "what do you consider cheating"? because even that varies on here! yeah, that's why I said mine was complicated. I've never cheated on anyone. But, unfortunately, I have enabled a cheater or two or three. Is enabling the same as cheating? I feel its just as bad if your values are against it. But that's also why I loved your qualifier. If I was expected to be faithful, I was. If it wasn't an expectation, I did what I felt like and allowed the guy the same (but usually no sex was involved in those relationships unless we agreed to be exclusive later).
Author fooled once Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Thanks everyone. I guess like any forum/board you participate it, some of the views do become over-inflated per say. I know some people IRL who have cheated and some who haven't. One of my closest girlfriends is married to the man she had an affair with. I look at my parents (married 47 years) and my inlaws (married 50+) and know infidelity wasn't a part of their generation. I see so much on TV/NEWS/RADIO that all these people cheat and was beginning to wonder if I was abnormal In my former marriage and in my current, there has been no cheating. And I loved this quote where monogamy was expected since high school. *highfive* I am NOT saying anything negative about people who are involved or who have been involved in a triangle. If I was, then I guess I would be included since I did date someone for 2 years who was married/seperated/married. I hate liars! I do appreciate all the participation!
boldjack Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Yes, my wife and I are faithful, but I wasn't in many of my past relationships.
HappyAtLast Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I have been married to my current wife for nearly 40, completely faithful years. Unfortunately, I did engage in an affair during my first marriage.
Thornton Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 My current relationship is 100% faithful - I don't see why any infidelities with other people in the past should have any bearing on that. I have been unfaithful in the past, but never with a married person. If someone else is in a relationship when they're seeing me, that isn't my responsibility. I have cheated when I've been in a relationship, which I regret because it wasn't a nice thing to do, but I wasn't married. I think infidelity is an indicator that the relationship isn't working, so infidelity in one relationship doesn't necessarily mean that the person will be unfaithful in another relationship.
brainyblonde Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 well, i'll be perfectly honest with you... 1. i cheated on my husband with an OM. looking back i realise that the A was as a result of lack of communication between myself and H. he got a new job, became totally absorbed in it, and forgot about me. he was happier working late in the evening (every evening), and i felt discarded. i desperately wanted love and affection from my H, but work prevailed. i did feel like i talked to H about it, but i think i should have said, STOP, we need to talk. this is serious. so i wandered. initially it was fantastic, i felt like a teenager again. but the guilt was too much, and i got in too deep. i didn't want to continue at the depth of how the A was. so i told my H, and asked for his help to assist me ending it. BAD MOVE. i wanted to keep with my H. we worked through it, the marriage was never the same as before i wandered, but underneath i wonder if it contributed to the fact that he left me for OW 5 years later. 2. i have been cheated on. my H left me for OW. moved in with her less than a month from leaving me. 3. I have been the OW to a MM until yesterday! see my other threads, and help me through my hurt. so i have experienced A's from most angles, and every one of them sucks. what i know for sure though is i would NEVER cheat again, put up with any cheating again or see a MM again! my karma has come round in bucket loads, and it's very unpleasant. my learns: never let your R get to the point of embarking on an A. TALK through your problems, and act upon the resolutions, whether that means staying together or breaking up.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Unfaithful in HS relationships. Lost a really good friend by poaching her BF. Something that I regret to this day 25+ years later. But I once I met Mr. Messy, that was it for me. We got married really young and I never looked back. I can't see myself in future relationships but I can pretty much say I can only be one way..the way God would have me to be.
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Unfaithful in HS relationships. Lost a really good friend by poaching her BF. Something that I regret to this day 25+ years later. But I once I met Mr. Messy, that was it for me. We got married really young and I never looked back. I can't see myself in future relationships but I can pretty much say I can only be one way..the way God would have me to be. See what I mean? A saint, definitely. Your honesty on these forums is really refreshing. That's probably why so many people respond positively even to your harshest posts. I guess I should also point out that I have been faithful since HS too, since everyone else is doing it. I should also point out that I did the same thing that you did to your friend a number of times in HS. Thank God I realized that it was no prize being able to prove that you could hurt your enemies by "poaching" their boyfriends. I typically dumped the guys as soon as they dumped their girls for me. I, was no saint. I own it.
jj33 Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Ive never been unfaithful to anyone. I always knew there were lots of people who were unfaithful.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 See what I mean? A saint, definitely. Your honesty on these forums is really refreshing. That's probably why so many people respond positively even to your harshest posts. I guess I should also point out that I have been faithful since HS too, since everyone else is doing it. I should also point out that I did the same thing that you did to your friend a number of times in HS. Thank God I realized that it was no prize being able to prove that you could hurt your enemies by "poaching" their boyfriends. I typically dumped the guys as soon as they dumped their girls for me. I, was no saint. I own it. Nope. No saint. They are all dead. There are things that I have learned about myself(even as a teen) I had a huge chip on my shoulder. Looking to do whatever was necessary to ease the growing hole. Drinking, driving like a maniac, very promiscuous, and full of toxic attitude. :oI am blessed that 2 of my HS friends are still good friends. So I didn't chase everyone away.
Gamine Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I have never cheated or been unfaithful to anyone in my entire life. I married when I was 35 and by that time had become a 'professional dater'. Several committed relationships.. it was almost as if I never actually 'dated' but had a string of semi long and long relationships... 6 mos., year, two years, etc... When I was still wet behind the ears (19/24) I got involved with MM but they were 'boyfriends' who picked me up for dinner, took me to plays, brought me flowers, candy and perfume... courting me just like any other boyfriend. Initially I thought they were safe in that there would be a way to avoid the eventual possessiveness and desire to harp on getting married. I was wrong as they were just as interested in 'commitment' as the single men. I don't think I have ever had a relationship that didn't include a marriage proposal. I have always been a wild 'good girl' partying at Studio 54 (no drugs) and I've never had a ONS in my life. Honestly, I didn't think anything of dating a MM at that young age because, like others here, I didn't think I had any responsibility to the marriage that he was willingly stepping out on... I figured Hey... he put himself on the market. As i grew up I realized that I was very, very wrong in that. I had begun a spiritual journey in my 20's and developed compassion and accountability... and truly deep down in my heart wanted more than anything to be a truly good and kind person in thought, word and deed. To this day, at age 48, I've never cheated on anyone. I was cheated on in High School by my first love and again about a year or so ago by my husband... we are married going on 14 years in September. I never thought I could be in a long term relationship for keeps because I would change out relationships all of the time... boredom, etc... and when I met my husband everything changed. So I never cheated when I was dating... if I wanted to see someone else or decided the relationship wasn't going anywhere I'd end it and move on. And, usually without any explanations at all.
Woggle Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 I never cheated in my life but I was cheated on once. I don't like being betrayed so I don't do it to others.
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I only read the original post.. so maybe this has been said... You can ONLY be sure about yourself.. you CANNOT be 100% about your partner. So, in my case, I've never cheated.. but I can and will never say that I am totally, 100% certain my partners never did..
jj33 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Lizzie you make a good point. You never know for sure (I would not have beleived this until I experienced how easily people can lie to their SOs) In looking back I can think of 1 person who I never ever thought would cheat on me (it never even occured to me at the time) and its very possible he did. This whole thing has totally changed my view of things. I guess you just have to trust the person. It was a real eye opener to see how easily people can cheat. Very few people these days have 9-5 jobs and come home at 6 for dinner.... and there are a million excuses for being elsewhere. It would be particularly hard for me now to trust someone who had cheated. It seems to me that once someone crosses that line, if they dont have remorse, then there is no reason for them not to do it again if they dont think they will get caught.
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